Redgal

Hello everyone,

I am new to the forum. My name is Kath. I'm sorry , this is probably going to be a long post.

I first moved out to Canada for grad school 14 years ago. I married a Canadian and have lived in Canada ever since. We have moved all over the country and moved to a small northern town in BC 3.5 years ago and had a daughter (who is now 3 years old). We are both 38. I love it out here - it is quite a hippy, artsy, quiet little town, great wildlife, a real sense of community and we have made a lot of wonderful friends. I feel like I have made so many significant improvements to my life on a personal level since I have been out here and we have worked so hard to get where we are now. I've always felt homesick at different times but have managed to override it and make a nice little life out here.

and here comes the BUT....( well several actually!)

My hubby's family live in the lower mainland - it's only a short flight away . They have the money to fly out to see us but choose not to. Most of his siblings live there too ( he is from a large family). We largely get ignored by them because we live out here and yet the expectation is for us to always visit them. We have both found this increasingly hard to accept since our daughter was born - we may as well not have any family living in Canada. ( I'm trying not to rant on this one!)

Hubby has an okay job in that it is stable. Doesn't pay much and he has no chance of promotion or pay rise for 10 years and it has a very high stress load. He can't see himself staying in it much longer. It's a small town and very few jobs for both hubby and me ( when our daughter is in school). It is 4 hours to a city but that city doesn't have any real cultural activities that interest us.

We have both come to the conclusion that we are not city people and love to live more rurally. We also agree that if we are going to continue to live in Canada, we will live here.

All my family live back in the UK. I have one elder sister who lives in Lincolnshire. My parents live in Lancashire. My parents are the only ones who have seen our daughter - we haven't been able to afford the time or money to travel back home for 7 years. We are going this year but won't likely be able to afford it again for a few years. My parents have visited us every year we have been here, faithfully. Last year though, I noticed how much older they were getting and it worried me. I know they will not be able to make the trip much longer ( they are 68). Their friends of similar age are getting sick and some have passed away. They have a wonderful connection with our daughter - it's amazing to see them together and is very important to us. My sister and the rest of our family are really looking forward to seeing our daughter and would be estatic if they knew we are considering moving back.

So, recently, I've been wondering what the heck I'm doing out here. It's so lovely but it can't last forever and I feel this really strong pull to go back home. No guilt or anything. Just a strong pull back to my 'home' to raise our daughter. Hubby is in agreement. He often watches shows from back home and brings up the subject of moving or remarks on how accessible places are.

So where's the problem? I am going to miss what we have here and the friends we have made. I remember it feeling crowded back home. We have no jobs lined up and the thought of selling everything up and moving us all is scary ( we have two dogs).The situation in the UK is bad economy wise. We are trying to find a small village type of place that is kind of hippy or old-fashioned ( if you know what I mean), quiet countryside but close enough to a city for work and cultural activities for our family ( I miss historical castles!). We'd have to live in a cardboard box since we'd not be able to get a mortgage and will have $50k to cover everything - new car, new house, etc. we are not fussed about a big house but privacy is nice.it seems so much more expensive in the UK. It seems daunting and impossible! A move like this for us would be permanent since we have no money to ping pong and want stability for our daughter too. I don't have CDN citizenship either. If we move back home, we'll be starting over again....


I know that nowhere is going to be 100% perfect for us - there will always be a trade off but right now family seems to be an important value to us.... is this a good enough reason to move?

I suppose what I am trying to say is that we are still trying to make a final decision - moving back makes no financial or security sense but it does make intuitive sense....are we completely crazy?

I'd love to hear from others, good, bad, ugly, advice, experience and general thoughts including areas that might be worth checking out would be VERY much appreciated.

Thank you so much,
Kath

Gabgoeshome

Hello Redgal ,

I could have written the emotions and feelings in your post ,many people on here could .

I personally would go home ,it will be an uphill battle to start and organize -I think worth it though .

I don't have enough time to answer all your points right now ,I will just say we are in a very similar situation here in the US .(after only 6 )

Stay around on this site ,you will find so much help and posts from those with empathy

Good luck .

Beedubya

Hi Kath

Writing things down as you have done is therapeutic and will help you to start getting your ideas and thoughts into some meaningful shape.

We are all of us scared on here about making BIG moves, I am sure if we all had a few million dollars we would have no second thought about it.

I am going back home to live permanently in 25 sleeps from now I am
57, single and going back with very little and having to start all over again. I will be leaving my 2 adult children and my 2 grand-daughters here in Australia and that is the saddest thing for me, but I just can't hack it here any longer.

You will find LOTS of people in the same boat as yourself on this lovely forum. Just stick around and you will find loads of advise and help.

citizenmarie

Since it sounds like you are fairly content with things where you are, it seems like you really need to try staying in England for a month or two before making the big move. Is that doable? I know for me, over the past 20 years, I've never been "home" for more than 2 weeks (from the US) and it's been rush-rush here and there. Not really absorbing how it would be to live there. I think things can get get very nostalgic in the mind, with TV shows, films, memories... And everything can get a bit idealistic.

Just my opinion, as that's what I have in mind to do, knowing full-well about my tendency to fantasize!

Redgal

Thanks so much for your replies. It's so helpful to be able to talk about it here. So thankful I found this forum

Citizenmarie - I also have a tendency to fantasize and that, in part, is what worries me, that I will see it through rose-coloured glasses. We are going home for 1 month in June/July. Hoping to visit some places that we short-list.I I know this trip home will tell us a lot. On the other hand, I'm also at that point that whilst I know it might not be what I envision, I am willing to suck it up somewhat because of the relationship our daughter will have with my family and that I will be there for my family when they really need me - just as they have been here for me. Then again, maybe I'm seeing that all rosey too!

I do know that if my parents suddenly passed away I would regret being out here forever and if they got sick I would immediately pack up and go home.

We are not going to make a final decision until after we have been home for a month.

Confused1

You may also want to consider - when they pass away, as all parents eventually do - would you then feel stuck in the UK, somewhere you don't want to be?

Food for thought - the family time is great, on weekends, holidays etc. What about all the other time that you have to deal with the mundane task of everyday life? You have the option of going back now, but will you have any options once you are back?

Just questions, I have no answer to the above.

Redgal

Thanks Confused1

The first question you asked is exactly what my parents said to me, lol. However, hopefully at that point we'll be set up enough to be able to choose here, there or somewhere else entirely. At that point our daughter will also probably be independent and making her own choice where to live. My sister will still be there along with the rest of my family but yes, it is a possibility....

I know what you mean about mundane day to day and that is one of my major concerns. I couldn't hack it when I was younger. But now I feel in a different place somewhat like I am able to put that aside and see the good...I don't know. I have mundane days here too and they suck wherever you are but I wouldn't be able to think " well, I'm just homesick, everything will be better when I go home"...I would just have to deal with it for xx years...scary thought!

Agh, if only there was a right answer, a concrete decision and 100% perfection.

Confused1

[QUOTE=Redgal;9145330]
I know what you mean about mundane day to day and that is one of my major concerns. I couldn't hack it when I was younger. But now I feel in a different place somewhat like I am able to put that aside and see the good...I don't know. I have mundane days here too and they suck wherever you are but I wouldn't be able to think " well, I'm just homesick, everything will be better when I go home"...I would just have to deal with it for xx years...scary thought!
QUOTE]

I know exactly what you mean - I have 2 kids, and have to say that one of the reasons we are staying here (California) is because I think they will have a better standard of life here. They skype their grandparents and cousins, so they can show them what the got for Christmas etc.,and actually speak about nothing for hours at no cost to anyone. Relatives come out here to visit quite often and love the fact that they are coming to nice weather. Next year I am planning to have the kids go over to the UK for the summer, and spend their summer holidays with family over there, particularly as now they are getting older. As they do get older, they will be able to spend more time out there without me being there also, with my siblings and their kids.

I know what you mean about "not knowing what to do" though, but as you can see, I'm trying to find a way to have the best of both worlds. No idea if it will work out! I think I would regret leaving, and be miserable with that decision. But everyone is different. I am also not sure how I would explain to the kids when they were older that they used to live in California, and had a pool - but we moved back the UK - that is a really scary thing to think about!

confusedenglishrose

As a recent returnee who just spent 3 months on my own 'looksee.' I think I can say that the suggestion to go back for whatever extended period of time you can wrangle between jobs and finances is a sound idea. I know I enjoyed every minute of my 3 months and certainly did not want to come back to where I am now. Lets just say I walked out of the boarding area on the day I was supposed to fly and essentially cancelled my flight back to the USA. Unfortunately, rationality and then reality set in and I flew later in the week. But that should give you an indication of my level of not wanting to go back. And I spent my 3 months there when the weather was ....cold and have returned to eternal 70F days? Still want to go back though and planning for that.

lilybilly101

Hi Kath

I have just moved back home from living on Vancouver Island which was beautiful but a little too isolated for me in the end. I'm now living in the Stockport area and looking to move to Marple Bridge where my son goes to school. There is a sweet little village called Broadbottom. Oh my goodness, it has the most incredible community and is as pretty as an English village can be. Google it and you'll see it's website. It's amazing for families and the people are very friendly. There's lots of arty types there....I just love it!

I can identify with your desire to come home. When I had my little boy it became increasingly difficult and once I had my daughter it was game over and the move home became a 'when' rather than an 'if'!

My husband is Canadian and also had a secure but crappy paid job for his skill set. The pull to stay was there but I was going a little mad and my Dad had died, Mum was alone, and other family stuff brought us back. We're now looking for work so I'll let you know how that goes. What field are you both in?

I'm personally much, much happier to be back with family support and the variety English life offers, in both work an our social life (oh my goodness, I was so bored there at times). You sound more content there so I would wait until you're burning to leave!

I understand your worries as you want the best for your family and any move is a risk. I wish you lots of luck with your decision.

lilybilly101

So exciting! You must be giddy.

SomersetGirl

Hi Kath, Its such a big and difficult decision isn't it. I can tell you we were happy in Canada for 30 years, and have now decided we want to go back to the UK, for a number of reasons. One of the things I regret is not being there for my parents in their later years and nothing can change that. Also, as you get older, living with Canada's climate (even in BC) is difficult. Try to imagine yourselves living in Canada in your 50s and 60s and maybe that will give you a bit more of an answer. If your daughter lives her whole life in Canada, she may not want to move to the UK when she is older and then you would be separated from her too, and your future grandchildren. I really think you will have a better idea of how you feel after you've been there for your visit this summer.

fulwood

Redgal you say you have 50k to cover everything if you decide to go for extended visit and then move back. maybe rent for a year or more - you can then look around at places you like, not tied down in a sense and if after year or so you feel UK is home for several years to come then buy. just a thought..

curleytops

Hi Kath,

I think you'll find your time at home this summer invaluable in determining what you want. You're quite right about the "intuitive" thing - sometimes against all reasonable arguments, something just feels "right".

I did my soul searching trip 3 months ago and was amazed at just how comfortable I felt in the UK immediately in spite of the fact I hadn't been back there in over 30 years. It's not perfect, nothing is, but if you can see past the flaws and potential obstacles and at the end of the day still feel that is where you belong then I guess you know what you have to do. I experienced a great feeling of inner peace just doing ordinary things over there and felt as though I could finally be myself again for the first time in many years. This helped me make up my mind.

I would recommend getting your Canadian citizenship before making any move because one thing is certain - you can never say never and it would make returning to Canada easier for you if you decided to do so down the line. The time frame for processing varies depending on where you live; I live in a remote northern Ontario community and I think it took my Dad about 6 months to get his citizenship a couple of years ago. You do not have to renounce your British citizenship. It sounds as though your husband is wonderfully supportive and that is going to make the decision one way or another much easier for you.

I wish you the very best with your decision, please let us know how you come on

Beedubya

Oh it's a right old roller coaster Lil LOL!! x