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Confused emotions
After 8 years of living in Napier NZ, we went back to the UK to visit my ill mum. After a few days there, my husband and I looked at each other and admitted we wanted to move back. We've been back a week and I can't wait to get back now.
Admitting that I wanted to move back has highlighted how unhappy I am here but I am wondering if it's all too fast. When we moved here I was a primary school teacher, I found it really difficult to get permanent work and was second choice after beginning teachers as I 'didn't have enough experience'. After 4 years of this, I got pregnant. I stayed home with my daughter, who is now 4. I decided teaching was not for me and studied for a degree in psychology (which I've just completed!). When I went back to England, I caught up with my old teaching colleagues, my passion was sparked again. I told my husband that I would teach in England if we moved back. I've withdrawn from the post-graduate degree I was enrolled on in NZ. I'm worried that we have decided this big thing on the back of this big emotional trip, to go back to Brexit, on the hopes I will teach again. All this and we uproot our little Kiwi from her home here. Please tell me we are doing the right thing!!! |
Re: Confused emotions
That happened to us on our last trip back to the UK from Canada and we have heard similar emotions from others who have recently been back to the UK. We enjoyed our first seven years in Canada but then we moved to Victoria on Vancouver Island. Not only have the cost of living gone through the roof we have seen how the politics work (or should say doesn't work). Nepotism and corruption seem to be part of every day life in BC. The wrong people get promoted and many don't even have any relevant experience and get the top jobs. Its embarrassing because the better, more experienced people get left behind. People here seem to live in a bubble and very few have any worldly experiences. Now I understand the meaning of the word 'thiefdom' commonly used here. I could provide many examples as could my wife. We both have excellent jobs but are tired of the lack of culture. We have decided to move back to the UK and retire when our youngest finishes high school in about 3 years. Both of us would rather go asap because we no longer enjoy the place but think its best for our son to complete grade 12 before we go.
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Re: Confused emotions
Originally Posted by zoexr
(Post 12642727)
After 8 years of living in Napier NZ, we went back to the UK to visit my ill mum. After a few days there, my husband and I looked at each other and admitted we wanted to move back. We've been back a week and I can't wait to get back now.
Admitting that I wanted to move back has highlighted how unhappy I am here but I am wondering if it's all too fast. When we moved here I was a primary school teacher, I found it really difficult to get permanent work and was second choice after beginning teachers as I 'didn't have enough experience'. After 4 years of this, I got pregnant. I stayed home with my daughter, who is now 4. I decided teaching was not for me and studied for a degree in psychology (which I've just completed!). When I went back to England, I caught up with my old teaching colleagues, my passion was sparked again. I told my husband that I would teach in England if we moved back. I've withdrawn from the post-graduate degree I was enrolled on in NZ. I'm worried that we have decided this big thing on the back of this big emotional trip, to go back to Brexit, on the hopes I will teach again. All this and we uproot our little Kiwi from her home here. Please tell me we are doing the right thing!!! I felt like that for a long time . Follow your heart. I personally have stayed too long unhappy. I realize that the thoughts of moving back is the only thing giving me life. I doubt if I would ever feel better if I gave up my choice not to return. Life is to be enjoyed. It’s not worth it for me staying unhappy. I hope to move back sometimes soon. I worry more about the kids. They seem so settled and happy . I am hoping they would adjust fine with time. I don’t want to leave it too late either. |
Re: Confused emotions
I hear you zoexr as we've been feeling much the same. 9 years in NZ and I'm a mess of emotions.
I think back to the reasons we moved to NZ - for a better life for the kids (then 2 and 5) and a better work life balance. When we arrived it was a wake up call.... it took me 3 years of being unable to find a part time job in my profession before I caved and took a full time job. 5 years of living in a small damp cold house which was affordable. So now we have a warm new house with a big mortgage, stressful jobs with a long commute (at worst up to 2 hours a day for me), we don't see the kids or each other as much as we'd like and we wonder what are we doing here, this was the life we had in the UK - big mortgage, stressful jobs, commuting! But then I look at my girls, in particular my youngest who like your daughter is a fully fledged barefoot tree climbing free spirited kiwi with a million friends and we say to each other, can we do that to her. At 14 my oldest actually wants to go back and has loved our trips home, she wants to go back to uni there. So that leaves the littleun (Miss 11) and how we square that with our conscious. Elnino05 I share your sentiments exactly.. worry about the kids who are settled and concerned if we leave it much longer it'll be too late. When we moved here we were so flippant with the decision and just took the leap blindly having faith - now the decision feels massive. I think we've pretty much decided to look for jobs back home and rent out the house here and give it a year back there to see. I feel we'll regret it if we don't try and at least if the kids are really miserable we can come back and join the ping pong pom ranks and we'll just suck it up!!! Oh for a crystal ball :) I don't think there's any easy answer to these feelings which are probably the expat curse as a friend recently called it.....maybe it's a case of the grass is greener but then being close to family is always going to be greener for a lot of people. At the end of the day if it doesn't work out back in the UK you can always come back. |
Re: Confused emotions
Originally Posted by vicejw
(Post 12644023)
I hear you zoexr as we've been feeling much the same. 9 years in NZ and I'm a mess of emotions.
I think back to the reasons we moved to NZ - for a better life for the kids (then 2 and 5) and a better work life balance. When we arrived it was a wake up call.... it took me 3 years of being unable to find a part time job in my profession before I caved and took a full time job. 5 years of living in a small damp cold house which was affordable. So now we have a warm new house with a big mortgage, stressful jobs with a long commute (at worst up to 2 hours a day for me), we don't see the kids or each other as much as we'd like and we wonder what are we doing here, this was the life we had in the UK - big mortgage, stressful jobs, commuting! But then I look at my girls, in particular my youngest who like your daughter is a fully fledged barefoot tree climbing free spirited kiwi with a million friends and we say to each other, can we do that to her. At 14 my oldest actually wants to go back and has loved our trips home, she wants to go back to uni there. So that leaves the littleun (Miss 11) and how we square that with our conscious. Elnino05 I share your sentiments exactly.. worry about the kids who are settled and concerned if we leave it much longer it'll be too late. When we moved here we were so flippant with the decision and just took the leap blindly having faith - now the decision feels massive. I think we've pretty much decided to look for jobs back home and rent out the house here and give it a year back there to see. I feel we'll regret it if we don't try and at least if the kids are really miserable we can come back and join the ping pong pom ranks and we'll just suck it up!!! Oh for a crystal ball :) I don't think there's any easy answer to these feelings which are probably the expat curse as a friend recently called it.....maybe it's a case of the grass is greener but then being close to family is always going to be greener for a lot of people. At the end of the day if it doesn't work out back in the UK you can always come back. Canada is a great country but I miss Europe too much. I can’t wait to get back really. Staying back gives me the feeling I am stuck. It’s so far off when I consider travelling. Air fares are so expensive too. The kids will definitely adjust with time. I would Give it 6 months. They would be fine. I would not move back to my old neighborhood. I will settle somewhere else and treat it as another experience entirely. My only worry is how the girls would adjust in school. My youngest is yet to start kindergarten. She would be in year 2 by the time we get back hopefully. Sometimes its it’s too much to take in. The house goes on sale in a few months. My husband is already job hunting. A day at a time. Hopefully I will get there. |
Re: Confused emotions
Originally Posted by vicejw
(Post 12644023)
I hear you zoexr as we've been feeling much the same. 9 years in NZ and I'm a mess of emotions.
I think back to the reasons we moved to NZ - for a better life for the kids (then 2 and 5) and a better work life balance. When we arrived it was a wake up call.... it took me 3 years of being unable to find a part time job in my profession before I caved and took a full time job. 5 years of living in a small damp cold house which was affordable. So now we have a warm new house with a big mortgage, stressful jobs with a long commute (at worst up to 2 hours a day for me), we don't see the kids or each other as much as we'd like and we wonder what are we doing here, this was the life we had in the UK - big mortgage, stressful jobs, commuting! But then I look at my girls, in particular my youngest who like your daughter is a fully fledged barefoot tree climbing free spirited kiwi with a million friends and we say to each other, can we do that to her. At 14 my oldest actually wants to go back and has loved our trips home, she wants to go back to uni there. So that leaves the littleun (Miss 11) and how we square that with our conscious. Elnino05 I share your sentiments exactly.. worry about the kids who are settled and concerned if we leave it much longer it'll be too late. When we moved here we were so flippant with the decision and just took the leap blindly having faith - now the decision feels massive. I think we've pretty much decided to look for jobs back home and rent out the house here and give it a year back there to see. I feel we'll regret it if we don't try and at least if the kids are really miserable we can come back and join the ping pong pom ranks and we'll just suck it up!!! Oh for a crystal ball :) I don't think there's any easy answer to these feelings which are probably the expat curse as a friend recently called it.....maybe it's a case of the grass is greener but then being close to family is always going to be greener for a lot of people. At the end of the day if it doesn't work out back in the UK you can always come back. When we decided to leave after 6 years we ended up leaving our 19 year old daughter as she had met a boy.....it’s so very difficult when that happens. Kids adapt but leave it too late and everything changes. |
Re: Confused emotions
Originally Posted by zoexr
(Post 12642727)
Please tell me we are doing the right thing!!! My pals kids back in the UK have plenty of freedom and open spaces around them. They seem to do much that the NZ kids do. Mind you they mostly live on the South West coast. We have older pals , like us. They came as a family of 4. Their kids went back to the UK and are still there. 5 years ago our pals left and returned to the UK. Obviously they wanted to be close to their adult kids and they felt NZ was boring. They found a nice house and he settled to full time work with a heck of a commute. Six months ago they returned here as they felt their UK life was a lot of work and commute. It really isn't working out so good for them. They are now having to come to terms that it will still be work and commute. Their kids are still in the UK. I doubt they will ever want to live here. |
Re: Confused emotions
Originally Posted by Spacecake799
(Post 12644489)
if I can just add we took our 3 kids to NZ. Hubby got a job and loved it but I was the one who whilst happy enough just wasn’t content to stay forever and not see family again. When we decided to leave after 6 years we ended up leaving our 19 year old daughter as she had met a boy.....it’s so very difficult when that happens. Kids adapt but leave it too late and everything changes. My advice to Zoexr would be if you want to go do so whilst your daughter is still young and remember you can always come back if it doesn't work out. We're lucky to be able to have options in that respect :) |
Re: Confused emotions
As someone with 30 yrs of ex-pat experience I feel for you all. I'm afraid there are no easy answers as they constantly say on the 'Wanted Down Under' series on TV.. Whatever decision you make you will end up hurting someone. So true. Once you put your foot in the bear trap that is becoming an ex-pat you will live between two worlds for the rest of your life.
Depending on how long you have stayed in your new country will measure the amount of pain it will cause to leave it. especially if you have kids who were born there ,or grew up there. We didn't even move half way around the world to experience this. we moved to the Netherlands ( It did add extra stress because we had to learn the language on top of everything else ) It could have been the other side of the world in terms of missing family and friends . Some family members never made the trip to visit us. ditto some friends.There was a strong feeling that we had 'betrayed the motherland' by moving. That grudgy attitude has remained with many. May I suggest it is now nationwide due to this horrendous Brexit mess. I'll be blunt. Foreigners are not welcome anymore, ex-pats come a close second . My lovely Danish friend feels she cannot bear to remain in the UK and has to go to Denmark for long periods to just 'get away' she has lived in the uk for fifteen years and always felt welcome and at home until the last two years. I would therefore be wary if you have kids with NZ accents ,maybe being too cautious here, but if it happened to her ,it could happen to them right now. The Dutch call it 'Heimwee' missing home and all it represents, or at least all it mean't in the past.Thats what you have to look at ( believe me I went through your pain several times over 30 yrs.) The PAST.. because as you have moved on ,so has the UK. I don't recognise my homeland anymore.It is a foreign country with ideals and ways of life I don't like. Its not what I remember or what I grew up with. Thats hard to accept. So all I can say is remember why you left in the first place. Think about ,and put your kids first now, they are the important ones. Can you in all honesty replicate the life they have now ? If you are in the wrong place in your new land...move first...and see if that fixes what's wrong . We did, and life improved considerable. There are no guarantees whatever you do ,you will always live in that ex-pat land wishing for something, just make it the best you can for all. My ED left us and went to the USA where my only grandchild now is... what can I say about that ! The compensation.. My YD left her exhausting job, overpriced rented flat, and boring fiancee ( her words :lol:) in London and moved here to the land of sunshine and low wages.She moans about nothing ever working ( NL where everything worked like clockwork) No culture ( London:lol:) but then she works part time.has her own gorgeous recently renovated three bedrooms apartment. walks five yards to work.and spends every spare minute on the beach. Life is a compromise I wish you all well with your final choices. |
Re: Confused emotions
Originally Posted by getoutofbritainquick
(Post 12642983)
That happened to us on our last trip back to the UK from Canada and we have heard similar emotions from others who have recently been back to the UK. We enjoyed our first seven years in Canada but then we moved to Victoria on Vancouver Island. Not only have the cost of living gone through the roof we have seen how the politics work (or should say doesn't work). Nepotism and corruption seem to be part of every day life in BC. The wrong people get promoted and many don't even have any relevant experience and get the top jobs. Its embarrassing because the better, more experienced people get left behind. People here seem to live in a bubble and very few have any worldly experiences. Now I understand the meaning of the word 'thiefdom' commonly used here. I could provide many examples as could my wife. We both have excellent jobs but are tired of the lack of culture. We have decided to move back to the UK and retire when our youngest finishes high school in about 3 years. Both of us would rather go asap because we no longer enjoy the place but think its best for our son to complete grade 12 before we go.
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Re: Confused emotions
I am actually more confused than ever. The thought of staying forever in Canada is no fun in any way.I love it but not to stay. I have been fighting depression of late. I definitely won’t miss the cold snap and bundling the kids up. Life of an expat! I will definitely miss somethings about Canada but I have never stopped missing things about England too. |
Re: Confused emotions
Originally Posted by vicejw
(Post 12644676)
I think for me that is a huge concern. I wish we'd made the decision years ago when we first started having doubts. Miss 14 is content to go back and I'm sure even if we don't go back now she will go back at first opportunity (she wants to be a historian and is in love with the history - NZ can't compete with that) but Miss 11 is kiwi through and through and so if we don't go now I feel it'll be too late in terms of schooling and then we'll have to commit to another 10 years or so. Then it'll likely be one in one country and one in the other...... First world problems I suppose but there we go.
My advice to Zoexr would be if you want to go do so whilst your daughter is still young and remember you can always come back if it doesn't work out. We're lucky to be able to have options in that respect :) |
Re: Confused emotions
Originally Posted by zoexr
(Post 12642727)
After 8 years of living in Napier NZ, we went back to the UK to visit my ill mum. After a few days there, my husband and I looked at each other and admitted we wanted to move back. We've been back a week and I can't wait to get back now.
Admitting that I wanted to move back has highlighted how unhappy I am here but I am wondering if it's all too fast. When we moved here I was a primary school teacher, I found it really difficult to get permanent work and was second choice after beginning teachers as I 'didn't have enough experience'. After 4 years of this, I got pregnant. I stayed home with my daughter, who is now 4. I decided teaching was not for me and studied for a degree in psychology (which I've just completed!). When I went back to England, I caught up with my old teaching colleagues, my passion was sparked again. I told my husband that I would teach in England if we moved back. I've withdrawn from the post-graduate degree I was enrolled on in NZ. I'm worried that we have decided this big thing on the back of this big emotional trip, to go back to Brexit, on the hopes I will teach again. All this and we uproot our little Kiwi from her home here. Please tell me we are doing the right thing!!! I am in exactly the same place with making the decision to return to the UK, although the timing is about right for us.We went back to our home town twice last year and we had a real connection with our family, we all seem to be in a place we’re we really value our relationships. Both my husband and myself had the same feelings , I sense of belonging with our family the city and all the past memories we shared there. We are planning to do as many return trips in the next 2 years as possible to test the emotional pull we felt and just be sure about our plans. Let me just say I have had the best life here in NZ and have no regrets, I will be leaving behind 2 adult children who are kiwi born and settled in there life plans, that will be the hardest part not having them around. But we will be retiring in about 5 years so we won’t be looking for careers just a nice home and near Liverpool where most of the family live. I’m 90% sure it will happen in 2023 it’s just sensible to not rush into it as much as I would love to jump on a plane tomorrow. I don’t think you can compare apples with apples as the lifestyle in NZ would win hands down, I use this reasoning when I have doubts- it’s not about which is the best place to live, it’s about which journey do I want to take and which adventures do I want to have ! I hope this helps x |
Re: Confused emotions
Originally Posted by Elnino05
(Post 12644842)
I am actually more confused than ever. The thought of staying forever in Canada is no fun in any way.I love it but not to stay. I have been fighting depression of late. I definitely won’t miss the cold snap and bundling the kids up. Life of an expat! I will definitely miss somethings about Canada but I have never stopped missing things about England too. |
Re: Confused emotions
Originally Posted by muners
(Post 12645868)
hello, I feel my wife is in the same frame of mind as you right now. Just announced after almost five years in Canada that she wants to return to the UK. I seriously don't want to leave, I can't stand the UK, but for the sake of my wife and eight year old son we'll be leaving at some point. I'm gutted, angry, frustrated, but I guess my wife has been feeling those same emotions and more, prior to finally making that decision.
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