Kath_143

I just don't know what to do. I have read threads and topics about moving back to the UK after long periods of time but it is such a scary thought. I have lived in OZ since 1989 and been through a divorce and a de facto breakup but each time chose to stay because you think at that time, you are young and your parents will live forever. Then it hits you. You are 50, a single mum with two boys under 10 and in a good job and living in a new house that I built in a nice part of Sydney. My parents are 86 (Mum) & 82 (Dad) live in UK and mum is dying of ovarian cancer. Dad is struggling emotionally but comes from the old school and is physically and otherwise mentally strong. My brother is hopeless and is moving further we away from them.

I have looked at potential areas to live in, companies to apply for jobs and a even a transfer with my current employer. I have done a budget and looked at renting my place out which wouldn't cover the mortgage. You see I have done everything. I even want on this blog a while back and all of you said "go back", "do it before they hit high school". Financially it could be suicidal. Will I feel the same in the UK after mum and dad pass? Am I looking at the UK with rose coloured glasses? What will I do if I have to come back here. I feel very displaced and caught between a rock and hard place. As one of you said, the UK has changed but it is and will always be my home.

So you see total confusion. Does anyone have any experiences of this situation or has been through anything like this?

Howefamily

It sounds like you are going through a very tough time frankly. I wouldnt make any decsions about moving countries right now. It sounds as though although you have gone through your own difficulties that you are settled where you are.

Is there any way you can go back for some time to spend with your parents without actually moving?

Kath_143

Hi Howefamily, thank you for your reply. I went back with the boys for Easter and will be going back for 3wks over Christmas. I just hope Mum will still be with us then. To spend time in the UK would mean a leave of absence from work with no income and my boys would need to transfer to a school for a period of time too. A great suggestion and one I would love to do. Do you have any ideas?

Moses2013

Sorry to hear. I wouldn't move your whole life over to the UK and I know that many companies do offer career breaks of up to 1 year. Maybe you could do this and rent out your home in Sydney for a year + get a job over in the UK. The kids will adapt to a different school and language isn't an issue anyway.

brits1

Hi,

I am so sorry to hear of your mothers illness, it sounds for yourself though that you are in a good place personally, ie a home, good job and a place you enjoy living, it must be horrible to worry about your Mum and then of your own personal situation, have you asked or told your Mum of your plans and concerns for her? she might want you to stay and enjoy your life where you are now (most parents want their children to be happy) if you want to spend some quality time with your Mum could you not take some time from work and have a long period with your Mum in the UK? We returned home from Aus, we missed family but it was not really the reason we returned home, my beloved father lost his sight "out of the blue" just over a year after we returned home and I looked after my Dad, it was hard work at times but I loved/cherished every min. I spent with him, he sadly died unexpectedly in April and I am still devastated, my Dad use to say all the time "I don't know what I would of done without you"(my brother and SIL who live close by to my Dad were as much use as a chocolate fireguard) but my Dad also you to say he wished we had stayed in Aus as he thought we were far better off there, we did/do not think so but what I am trying to say is, even though my Dad was fortunate to have me return home, if it had happened while I was still in Aus and my Dad knew I was returning just for him he would of not been happy at all for me to leave all that we had there just for him as that was how he thought. (Nothing would of stopped me to come and help him though but that's me!) Have a chat with your Mum, see if you can work something out that works for you both. Good luck, Take care

spouse of scouse

It really is the 'curse of the expats', isn't it I've read so many stories on BE that are similar to yours - it was my husband's turn last year.

I don't know if this will help, but it's possible to defer your mortgage if you're unable to pay it - my sister deferred hers for a year when she was ill. That might take a bit of the financial strain off you if you want to be with your Mum for a while. I'm not sure if you could still rent out your home while your mortgage payments were suspended, but I can't see why not.

I agree with the suggestion others have made, that it's not a good time for you to be thinking about upping sticks and moving back permanently. If you're able to work out a way to visit her for a month or two, you'll have some breathing space. My best wishes to you and your Mum.

Pollyana

I'm sure you've already checked, but just in case....do you have an entitlement to Long Service Leave?

fulwood

I hope this comes across the right way.. But I also think you need to ask yourself what you can live with in terms of emotions? if your mother was to pass away now - how would you feel? Beat yourself up for the rest of your life cos' you weren't there? If you go at Xmas and you stay for 3 week and she passes after you are gone? How will you feel? I think part of it is what you can live with. My brother died and I have regrets but not about time I spent with him. Just make sure you don't have regrets.. Sorry to be so morbid..

Howefamily

I really feel for you and believe that if you can get some time away to be with your parents right now thats what you should focus on.
Moving back to the UK will take significant time and effort and is a huge move and may not be what you want in the long term.

Right now you need support and a short term plan to spend time with them. After that take a good look at where you want to live.

Kath_143

Hi everyone, thanks for all your advice and kind words. I think you are right that I shouldn't be making any big decisions yet. We find out how mum is shortly in terms of life left and maybe going over to the UK earlier and my boys joining me at the planned time in December is an option. It will be week by week and I am sure my thoughts will change as much. All I know is my heart is in the UK but my life is in Aus.

brits1

See how you go on when your back in the UK, I know for me that "where your heart is" will make you happiest in the long run, otherwise your just going "through the motions" so to speak. Hope you work it all out though and that the precious time you do spend with your Mum is special. Good luck

JC3

Hi Kath,

Sorry if this sounds daft, but if you haven't done it already I suggest you get Mum & Dad up to speed with a PC / iPad and Skype. Then Skype call them frequently - everyday if you like. It's so much better than the phone when you can actually see the person at 'the other end of the line'. Not quite the same as being there of course, but frankly if you spoke to your Mum & Dad for half an hour everyday on Skype, that could be more than you would do were you physically back in the UK living in another house.
Best wishes
JC3

penguinsix

We took something like this a step further. We set up a spare computer in a room with Skype that is running 24/7 and configured ONLY to accept our calls. When we call in video starts immediately and it's like we have a window in our house into our parents house. This way we can just 'check in' from time to time, and sometimes we just leave it on and they can just say something while walking by or whatnot. My parents use it to watch our kids have breakfast, play, just go about being normal kids. Much easier than the 'forced' call where you go through a list of things to talk about before hanging up. A virtual window into another room.

JC3

Wow. Now that is smart! What a great idea.

JC3

BEVS

I love that idea.