DayPerson

Thanks for the link, I didnt realise I was entitled to some French benefits, I never claimed any before.

I saw the doctor today and she said it was unacceptable that dad won't accept carers and he's putting all the stress on me and it's making me ill. Dad is acting childish, not speaking to me, slamming doors, turned the TV off when he left the room but I was still there. It's hard enough coping with one adult playing up but two is extremely difficult.

I'll make an appointment to see citizens advice as I need to see where I stand and whether there is anything I can do now

michali

I think it is a very good idea for you to speak to someone at CAB. It is obvious you are going through a really rough time and your father, instead of being supportive, is making things worse. I guess he too is very worried about the future. Maybe CAB will be able to refer you to an agency which can assist and advise you. I do hope so!

petitefrancaise

You aren't. These will be benefits that you are eligible for in the UK, you apply for them before you leave the UK. They are paid by the UK social security and not the french one. Or perhaps the french secu pay but they reclaim it from the UK.

Dorothy

As someone who lost a child to suicide I find your posts stating that you "can always kill yourself" offensive.

quiltman

I've followed this thread with interest. One good thing that may come out of it is to make people think about the future before moving and settling elsewhere. Like it or not, we all get old and can all suffer unexpected misfortunes or the problems of old age.
Before we moved here to live with our sons, we asked "what can we do when we become decrepit and unable to cope for ourselves"?
As in France, here it is expected that the family provide most of the care for aged relatives and there is no real back up such as social Services, carers, benefits etc. Senior citizens do now get free health insurance but this only pays a proportion of the costs in most hospitals and nothing towards home care.
I did find that there are some residential /nursing homes here but are few and far between.Many are aimed specifically at foreign retirees and their brochures refer to them providing more services than usually available in UK homes! However the costs are , in UK terms, cheap - around £600/800 a month. Staff speak English and most are registered nurses. There is no means test so you can keep your savings and assets.
The alternative is to hire 2 nurses to give 24 hr care and based on current wages here, that's around the same price, maybe a little less.
The final alternative would have been to return to UK, re-establish residence, find a home, pay a fortune, keep minimal savings and put up with the vagaries of the British weather! Plus of course being separated from our family here.
If these alternatives had not been available, or too costly , then we would never have made the big move.
hopefully, Dayperson will find a way out of their predicament - plenty of intelligent suggestions have been made by others but talk of suicide is both self defeating and of no help at all. I've just seen Dorothys post and feel so sorry that daypersons apparent intransigence has caused her such upset. you never know who is reading the thread and I'll bet she's not alone.
Dorothy, it's not much but consider yourself hugged.

petitefrancaise

Well, your doctor has a point. If your dad is behaving like a spoilt /frightened child then YOU really do need to take control. I think I'd tell him that I was doing my best, that he isn't helping and if he carries on then he will either find himself on his own or looking after himself and your mum. Then go out for a nice walk, cup of coffee, chat with a friend and let him stew a bit. Honestly, would they have put up with that kind of behaviour from you as a child?

Find sources of support - groups etc for you to get out a bit.

That old adage about putting on your own oxygen mask on first, is spot on.

Good luck.

Shard

Have never heard this adage (outside of a flight) but it's a good one. I'll use it!

Jerseygirl

Standard airline safety procedure. Put your oxygen mask on first before helping others...

DandNHill

I'm so sorry Dorothy and anybody else affected by suicide that you have had to suffer this way.

Having worked for a while with people with mental health issues I would comment however in defense of the OP that she is probably so so deeply distressed with the situation she is in that she doesn't know which way is up any longer.
You reach a stage where you ask for help but you don't know what to do with that help. All the suggestions require effort. Stress makes you incapable of action.
I don't think it's only Mum and Dad who need help but the OP too. She's too deep now to see the wood from the trees!

OP you don't mention if you have a support network? Uncles, aunts, siblings or cousins? You need somebody to advocate for you and help you figure this out.

Having grown up in France with a mother who spoke no French I really don't think moving back is the sensible thing to do.

I'd say reduce the price considerably so somebody snaps it up. If you move back to France you'll just have the same issues but with the added language barrier.

scot47

I hope this is widely read and is seen by those who do not think of the pitfalls of moving. If you move to France and cannot communicate in French, troubles will come. Be sure of that.

angie_329

yes, do go and get some professional advice and support asap, often agencies say 'no first '... but experts who know the system can help you get assistance by pushing a bit harder on your behalf... stress how distressed you are and unable to cope and you need some respite care for your parents so you can recover. You can also say this to your GP, Again stress how mentally distressed you are. Only once you are better should you make decisions.

If social services know there is a son or daugther looking after an elderly couple you go to the back of the queue.

dealing with ill ageing parents is extremely mentally taxing.

you may be entitled to carers allowance.. amongst other things but lets see what the CAB say.

scot47

If in the UK your mother should get Attendance Allowance at the Higher rate. You, or another carer, then qualify for Carer's Allowance. these will then passport you on to other benefits.

I have been down the road of claiming that for myself. It is a long and detailed application and will take some time. Maybe someone could help you with it. I got a friend to help me with mine !

NiHao

I agree with DandNHill, you are clearly extremely stressed and at this point it's hard for you to even think straight. It's all got too much for you and you need help urgently and more help than a forum like this can provide. You are expressing suicidal thoughts and need help.

Please call or email The Samaritans immediately. Things seem impossible right now and you are utterly overwhelmed and appear in crisis but things are going to get better you just need help and support so that you can then break things down, get everything in perspective and improve things a step at a time. Speak to The Samaritans they will help you.

This link has contact telephone and email for The Samaritans and other help lines. The Samaritans are available 24 hours every day of the year. Call them right now. It's confidential please don't put off calling.
Suicide - Getting help - NHS Choices

Next, please go back to your GP on Monday and tell her that you are having suicidal thoughts and need help. Be very clear that you can not cope and need help desperately, tell her specifically that you have been expressing suicidal thoughts. If you are not able to hold on till Monday go to A&E and tell them you are having suicidal thoughts and need help.

There has been some good advise on this thread and compassionate and supportive comments (some not so much!) but you are experiencing so much anxiety and are so stressed at this point you can't really take any of it on board and formulate a logical plan. Get help from The Samaritans and your GP and then you will be able to get well enough mentally to be able to put a plan together and put it into action.

The CAB is a really great place to get help finding your way through the system of what benefits/help etc. you can access but get help for your depression/anxiety/distressed state of mind immediately so that you will be well enough to action their advise.

Hang in there, you've been going through a lot and it's all become too much for you but you won't feel like this forever. Make the call, tell your GP.

Editha

I've just read this thread for the first time.

I see you've been advised to contact the CAB. I suggest you should also try the Alzheimers Society and Age UK. They will be able to give you specialist advice on your situation.

I also suggest you contact your MP. I notice that you have been given that advice before, and you may have already done so.

michali

Excellent post!