Nits22

Hi everyone,

Sorry to be a downer among the World Cup's happiness (match results notwithstanding).

I used to be somewhat of a reagular here but I haven't posted in a year. I moved to the US a year and a half ago. Got my GC last July =D

So, now that I have all the legal matters behind me (for now), I have to deal with "real life", married life. And I don't know how well it's going... Being here by myself, having to start over again, working a job I'm over qualified for, not finding a different employer who will take my education abroad seriously, being away from my mom, my brother, my nephew and nieces, my friends, my room, my streets... my language (I'm a Spanish speaker)... it's all turned me into a person I don't recognize.

And I feel the strain in my marriage.

On top of that, I live in beautiful but Winter-all-year-round Vermont. The lack of warmth and sunlight is making it worse. I spent all last year depressed. And not teenage-depressed, but actually gloomy, sad, tearfull and the complete opposite of cheerful and hopeful. And needless to say, I am not the person my husband knew, and I don't know how well he is dealing with it.

He is a sweetheart and he encourages me to go out, meet people, go back to school. He hugs me and kisses me and tells me he loves me. We just spent our vacation in my mom's house, blahblahing in Spanish (which he doesn't understand) the whole time. And he never complained, not even once. By the way, I was so happy and I felt so complete during our vacation, that it felt like a honeymoon. We had a great time.

But the thing is... I am not sure he's sure about his feeling for me anymore. Having to pay bills and support a house is difficult enough. Moving away from that overwhelming feeling of being madly in love into a more settled (although as powerful) feeling of loving someone is difficult enough. Adding the distance and my mood to it... it's not easy. And I don't want to lose him.

Today is the first time I am able to put all these feelings into words. He's at work tonight, but I'll be having this same conversation with him tomorrow. I guess right now I just need to have another expat tell me they know exactly what I'm going through. I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Thanks for reading

MrEmjoy

I'm not just saying this but I know exactly how you feel

Your OH may be very stressed, it's been a hard few years for most people, but don't mistake his stress as a sign of his feelings for you changing.

I hope talking to your OH about it will make it easier, it's hard being away from home.

My family thought I was coming home after leaving in July of 2008...I was only meant to be gone for a few months

Scouse Express

I've been here for 14 years. It still gets to me now and then. Just worj through the problems and focus on the positives and you will be just fine.

Jim.

Nits22

Thanks, both

What you said, MrEmjoy, sounds a lot like my husband. Sometimes me, being a girl, get all concerned about our feelings and I become a mess when he is just stressed and would like nothing better than for me to relax and just cuddle with him on the couch. Poor thing, I do make it difficult for him

penguinsix

You may actually find solace in some other expats who are going through the exact sort of thing, in opposite.

http://talk.uk-yankee.com/index.php?board=68.0

That is the US expats in the UK, and they have a special messageboard for Homesickness. It deals with those who followed their love to the UK only to find themselves not in the shiny metropolitan London but some cold and dark corner they had never heard of before, surrounded by 'their husbands friends and family' not their own, dealing with no jobs for their skills and questioning their lives. You may find some of their stories strikingly similar and perhaps some of the advice being offered there also relevant.

Good luck.

Sally Redux

She's from Argentina though.


Hey Nits, I noticed you hadn't been around for a long time.

Sorry to hear it's been hard for you. Not only a different culture but a different language, that must be extra difficult. Lack of other support networks can really put a huge strain on expat marriages.

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I guess you can only be honest with him about how you feel.

Steerpike

Is hubby forced to stay in VT? I came here from UK, to California, and I'm still thrilled to see the sun most days, after 27 years. A lot of people don't seem to be affected by it, but I can almost feel my mood change when the gray sky gives way to blue.

There's a lot of places with more sunshine, and on the west coast, it's not humid either ... get thee to San Diego or the Bay Area or something. And if hubby is a ski instructor , get thee to Tahoe where the summers are warm and you can zip down to SF for a nice weekend break. Mountains and snow are good for postcards, not real life ... Good Luck!

cindyabs

Nits,

There is much of adjusting to being married mixed in with the ex pat blues in your post, Also, worrying about how both your husband sees you "now" and how you see yourself is creating turmoil within you, well that just adds fuel to the fire.


I'm thinking more thoughts here, will post more later.

Englishtart

I hope you get to have a good honest talk with your hubby soon, communication (on both sides) is one of the most important things in marriage, maybe THE most important.

I can empathise with your feelings about your hubby being stressed and you worrying about how he is feeling about his marriage etc, but, only he knows exactly what those feelings are, it's very easy to 'imagine' what he is feeling, and you can work yourself up into a grand old tizzy by coming to your own conclusions Take a few breaths and sit down together and 'listen' to each other, tell him your fears and your concerns regarding homesickness and how you are going through a really hard adjustment period (he probably knows, but don't just assume he does)

If he has concerns about your marriage encourage him to be open and honest about everything, you cannot hope to work on resolving them, if you don't know what they are. Hopefully it's just a case of you over analysing everything (one of my biggest faults too) and he can put your worries to rest
Good luck

cindyabs

You snuck in with what I was trying to think best how to diplomatically put in words you little monkey ET, Being women ( and I don't care WHERE we come from), we have a tendency to get ourselves all wrapped around the axle with what we THINK may be an issue.

Englishtart

sorry! I know what you mean Cindy, I have a huge imagination and it has caused issues in the past, if hubby is over 30 mins late, I can have him laying in a ditch somewhere hidden from view, and dying in agony! By the time he gets home, (in my mind) I have organised his funeral and written his obit!

cindyabs

Add it all together with getting used to living together, and I repeat the anecdote of DH and I spending a week together every 3-6 months for the first 3 1/2 years of married life. Well, let me tell ya, it was a whole different ball game when he finally moved over here and we were a real married couple with real issues and real life situations outside our love nest bubble !!!

Bob

Never easy when your feeling stressed, so good luck with it all, but if you can move away to another area, it'll probably help a lot....then again, where abouts in VT are you? Some parts aren't quite so gloomy and all that.

cindyabs

She's in ski resort country.

I HAVE to say this, and not meant argumentively but based on the first 21 years of my life......... helluva lot more sunshine in northern New England than in northern Europe.

Still winter can be looooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnng as well we know, and some longer than others. Me, I do like a cold, clear crisp, snow gleaming in the sun day than a blizzard.

Leslie

With the unemployment rate in California being almost twice that of Vermont, is this really prudent advice for a young couple? She expressed many challenges and concerns only one of which would be solved by more sunshine.

It's getting to where almost every single problem that expats post about get the same answer from you - just move to California and soon you'll be farting through silk. California is a beautiful state but it undermines the legitimacy of many of these heartfelt posts to imply that all unhappy people are just unhappy because they live in the wrong place. Besides, quality of life, not to mention the best physical environment in which to live, is a completely personal and subjective matter.