Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

I've been back in the UK now for almost three months. I thought it would be easy, just step of the plane and it would all feel 'home' and 'right' just like it did on all those many visits back to the UK whilst living in New Zealand ........ but now its a permanent move it feels hard to be here and I am struggling to find the nice things I left behind (british sense of humour, history, decent housing, bbc, pretty countryside etc etc)

The worst thing that is getting me down is the attitude of people in the UK. Almost everyone is so negative and gloomy and can only see the bad side of pretty much everything. I have literally fallen out with long term friends over this as they were so negative I didn't want to be around them. I see the free healthcare, the opportunity for every child to have a free education, the personal freedoms enjoyed by everyone here and the relatively easy to live with climate and low likelihood of earthquakes and tsunamis.

I am a glass half full kind of person and I was so excited about coming 'home'. Even a recruitment consultant laughed at me the other day when I said I was excited about working in the UK and said "oh my you are the only one who is". Didn't get me a job or even an interview to go on the books though whatever she thought!

The reason I have returned to the UK is that I am an only child ......... and for the final years of my ageing parents lives (they are 90 and 82) I want to do what's right by them as they have always supported me through good and bad times. Not to do this would not give me peace of mind. It was untenable to continue flying back and forth twice a year and always worrying if people back home were OK. So for this reason it is right to be here but for most every other reason its feeling very wrong.

Is this just me or do other returned expats feel this way too? Are there any UK groups for returned expats? We are a unique breed and a lot of folks who have never been anywhere else seldom understand us and our lack of belonging and homesickness either side of the planet.

Just wondered if I am the only one who feels like this. Very lonely and very out of step with pretty much everything and constantly thinking have I done the right thing and should I go back to NZ.

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

Is this just me or do other returned expats feel this way too? Are there any UK groups for returned expats? We are a unique breed and a lot of folks who have never been anywhere else seldom understand us and our lack of belonging and homesickness either side of the planet.

Just wondered if I am the only one who feels like this. Very lonely and very out of step with pretty much everything and constantly thinking have I done the right thing and should I go back to NZ.[/QUOTE]

Me too! You are not alone. I came back to the UK after emigrating for a year, going through a lot of stress and uncertainty while I was there. Now having come back I don't know where I belong and even though I was on an emotional rollercoaster when I was away, I do still think did I make the right decision. I think its called the expats curse...its hard to settle back when you've had a taste of another life. I also have feelings of failure, that I didn't succeed in what i set out to do..its a feeling that not a lot of people here who havn't done it understand too well. BE has always been such a great resource as it is a place where people understand what you are going through...

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

Me too! You are not alone. I came back to the UK after emigrating for a year, going through a lot of stress and uncertainty while I was there. Now having come back I don't know where I belong and even though I was on an emotional rollercoaster when I was away, I do still think did I make the right decision. I think its called the expats curse...its hard to settle back when you've had a taste of another life. I also have feelings of failure, that I didn't succeed in what i set out to do..its a feeling that not a lot of people here who havn't done it understand too well. BE has always been such a great resource as it is a place where people understand what you are going through...[/QUOTE]

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

I think it can take quite a while to settle again, having no job, that uncertainty makes it worse, you start thinking back wondering if you did the right thing etc etc. I'd try to rise above the negative and remember why it is you moved back, to help the parents. Then either bite your tongue, roll your eyes or figure out a snide comment back to those who try to rain on your parade. Each option depending on who is doing the raining of course.

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We too are looking to settle nearer home but close enough to family, we have been here in NZ for nearly 5 years now and completely understand everything you have said what you left behind. Sense of humour, history, decent housing, bbc, pretty countryside etc etc) and the biggest no brainer for us as a family, the kids have not seen their grandparents in 5 years over here and I don't care what anyone else says on the forum for what its worth, you need your nearest and dearest around you even when your in New Zealand. I know we didn't come here wearing Rose Tinted Glasses after all this is our second trip to NZ. But we are a unique breed and a lot of folks who have never been anywhere else seldom understand us and our lack of belonging and homesickness either side of the planet we endure.

But to wrap it all up, this has been another one of life's lessons to add to the next chapter of our lives, we have done it and enjoyed most parts of New Zealand, but being closer to home is what will make it for us, even Europe and 3 hours flying time away will cut it for me and the family. I know most parts of Europe are still recovering or in deep recession, but looking at New Zealand and what it will cost to recover Christchurch estimations of $30 billion dollars we will take our chances in Europe for now.

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

I have only been back 2 weeks and haven't had your experience thankfully.

I am staying with family and all have been supportive of my decision.

There is a thread on here somewhere suggesting that when you get the inevitable "WTH would you want to come back to live in this dump?" questions from negative friends or rellies, you reply with "Have you ever lived in NZ/Oz/USA?" When they say "No." You say "Well then."

I have this retort ready but haven't had recourse to use it yet. :thumbsup:

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

OP, you are so not alone. Sadly so many expats feel the way you do, myself included. I have been an expat pretty much all my life, traveling throughout Asia with Scottish parents then finally settling (or so I thought) in South Africa. I was brought up by my parents to be Scottish and believed myself to be Scottish, that is, until I left South Africa with my husband and two children and landed in Scotland 10 years ago - only to realize that I am not actually Scottish! I had a huge identity crisis. I since left the UK and have now been traveling over the last 10 years with my husband and 2 kids and have stayed in England, Germany, Italy, China and Singapore (on 2 separate assignments) and its now time for us to have a home -we are headed to England at the end of April. I have been reading a book called Third Culture Kids and it has given me so much insight to the expat phenomenon, I would highly recommend it. Try keeping in mind the reasons why you have returned to the UK i.e. your parents and try to keep the smile in place. You have also just survived 3 months of icky winter weather which is always tough, try and think of the long summer nights and the beautiful spring colours coming (hopefully). Good luck in finding a job. I wish you all the best.

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

Much of the same for me too. Not commented much on here since I have been back. Trying not to remind myself what I left.
Been back in UK for 5 months now. More or less slotted back into my old life as I only managed 8 months in Qld Australia. Came back at the worst time what with the weather and cutbacks. I agree with the negative views of the UK but I suppose in this climate its justified. Far more positive in OZ.
I thought I was homesick and dragged my family back but realised after a few days i dont really want to be here. I could easily be a ping pong pom but unfortunately my kids are happy and glad to be back. If it was just the wife and myself I think I would have gone back to OZ already. Think I am stuck here for good.

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

Hi FF,
I haven't returned yet, hopefully this year, but wanted to let you know that there will come a day when you realise that you have done the right thing by your parents, not just for them but for you too.
My parents have been gone for quite a while. I knew I loved them but it wasn't until they were gone that I realised just how much they meant to me, and how much I wished I had gone home to take care of my mother after my father died, nay while they were both still alive.
She was quite ill and my brother was taking care of her but, from the moment I left England, she would have done anything to have me come home again. Now it is too late to give her that gift and I have some guilt about going back now. Too late for her. NOTHING can replace having this time with your mother and father. I miss mine terribly.
I too have occasional fears that I will wake up one day in England and say WTH have I done, but hope that day never comes. Let's face it, I immerse myself in all things English here in Canada... TV shows, food, books, etc... my life here has become stagnant and I could give you a list as long as your arm of things that I miss about being there.
It's a bit of a British thing to whine I think, but you can be that bright light that helps them to see another side of things. Perhaps it would help to make a list of the things you missed about the UK before you went home, just to remind yourself. Surround yourself with positive people if you can. Remember lots of those negative people haven't experienced life anywhere else and think it's all a bed of roses. We know that that isn't so.
All the very best,
Linda

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

Brilliantly said and I agree 100%. My dad died while I was living abroad and although I got to spend his last few weeks with him, I regret every day the years I missed with him because I was pursuing my own desires. Now I want to get back to be with my mum, but the decision isn't only up to me and so I am stuck here.

You are doing the right thing - not just for them but for you too. But I really feel for you regarding British negativity. I know that will be my biggest challenge if I ever get back. The whining and drama is SO annoying!

Give it time and keep your end goal in mind. Your parents need you and you're doing a wonderful thing being there for them. Good luck!

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I can understand the parent thing and it was mainly that which made me and family to move back to UK after 4 years away . When we returned I found that both my parents had stil their own life and we hardly saw them !
I then realised that i had my own family and that their future was equally if not more important .

We moved back to Perth after 1 year and we are all absolutley thrilled to be back in Perth . The UK is not the same place , and i'm 100 percent sure that we are in the right place for us .

I say trust your instinct , good luck .

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I have been living in Australia for 4 1/2 years and this Thursday get my Australian citizenship. I will also be turning 29 in September. I have visited the UK about three times since I move to Australia. The one thing that has stuck with me on my last two visits is how much I actually miss my family, especially my nieces. You can have the most beautiful sea view or the most relaxed lifestyle, but without your loved ones its pointless. I am already having the feelings you mention and I am still about 7 months out of returning to the UK. Hang on in there and your decision to return will be justified. An idea might be in a year to go back and visit where you just left and see how you feel, i have a feeling you will be referring to the UK as home. :thumbsup:

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l agree completely. l just hated being so far away when my father died suddenly in 2002..not that l could have done anything,but l just felt so bad at being so far away. I manage to see my mum once a year,(instead of the once a week that l used to see her when l lived in the UK) but she's 81 now,fortunately in good health but everytime we have to part company,l can't help wondering if it'll be the last time that l see her.

I've been in the US for 13 yrs now and realistically,will probably never go back to live in the UK,but l'd go back in a heartbeat if l could. For all it's faults,it home ! At least l have dual citizenship to fall back on,so l can come and go as l please..if only l had the chance !

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What you said makes a lot of sense. My parents are still with me but getting older and I'd be lying if I said they weren't a huge part of my desire to return home. I want to spend quality time with them whilst they are still active as well as see my nieces and nephews as well. My Mom also wanted me home from the time I left so I am happy to be finally heading back - I'm flying on the 26th of this month and I can't wait!!

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Intresting thread we did just that return to be nearer family who with the exception of my Dad totally blanked us, we were home a total of 7 months and in that time we did not see our inlaws once though not through the want of trying, my eldest brother we only saw when we decided to leave and I pushed myself on him!
I enjoyed being back home, but 7th months without a job proved challenging and our saving diminished, back in NZ we have now had our first visitor (my dad) and tbh loving it, if it was left up to me the inlaws can whistle if they become ill I am not going to spend my hard earned cash racing back there!

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we have been back in the UK since August and have seen less of family than we would on a holiday.

My mother is quite elderly and we see her every 3 weeks (rotates with siblings) and quite honestly she would not know if it was once a year or every day.
For us, being here for family is not a consideration.

We are enjoying seeing friends- who are generally making more effort, but are very much looking forward to our return to Aus next year.
My family are always busy when we try and see them!

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

Always interesting to read other families who have made the huge step of going back to the UK, We went back to UK from NZ way back in 2003 initially for my wife's sake to build the bridges so to speak as you do with family. Interestingly enough the same happened with us, we had a holiday in Portugal with family and frequent visits were had by all, but all said and done it wasn't enough and we were drawn back to NZ in 2006 with a good job offer and flights paid and all our worthy goods shipped and held to a $30,000 bond over 3 years 8 months with the company i work for, so we have had to make a go of it one way or another. So we decided it would always be a 5 year plan and work hard at making a go of our new life again. So we have never looked at NZ through rose tinted glasses to be honest, we have kept an open mind, but most importantly for our children this is their future and we need to get it right for them. So whether it be across the ditch or Europe there are some hard decisions to make ahead in the next few months.

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

This is what scares me about waiting too long to go back.

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We have been back for 2 and a half years and have really struggled to settle down, so much so, that we are planning our return to SE Qld. We left due to family reasons and rose tinted specs about being close to family, the reality is very different, have since fallen out with my sister, hardly ever see my brothers and my parents have their own lives. My Husband's family with the exception of his parents don't bother with us either and couldn't even be bothered to come to our son's christening, especially bad as one of them was a Godparent - their loss. I digress, we live in a beautiful rural part of Lincolnshire, but Industry round here is really limited to Retail, Farming and Hospitality - there are far more opportunities for my children back in Brisbane and my big circle of friends who I speak with almost daily are more like my family. So we have made the decision to up sticks and move again, our children are 4 (born in Brisbane) and 18 months so shouldn't be too unsettled by the move.

I am English, will always be English but part of me feels very Australian too and I just don't seem to fit in here and really miss the life I had in Australia. I thought these feelings would settle down given time, but some 2 and a half years on we still feel exactly the same.

Unless you have been an Expat, I don't think you can understand just how it feels.

I hope you are able to sort out your feelings one way or the other soon.

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

I totally understand where your coming from here Josiejo having moved back to Skellingthorpe ourselves and renting at 600 pounds a month for the 2 years and family arguments also became common order of the day, and all too easy for family members to fall right back into meeting up with each other putting it in the too hard basket.

These are just a few of the nagging doubts you end up with going over time and time again in your head, we also have to the chance to make it over the ditch to Queensland in the not too distant future and make a go of it there also but still grandkids and family still a long way off to come and visit. Oh well have plenty of time to make up our minds and put together a list of "For's and Against" I suppose.

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Well it's not an easy decision whatever you choose as you unintentionally end up hurting someone in the process. How did you find going back to NZ after 3 years out? I'm really keen to get on with going back, but everything is stacked against us what with the Exchange Rate and the housing market in the UK. But those financial issues aside, it's the energy to make the move again, the first time round it was relatively easy as it was just the 2 of us, but having little people to consider is making me over analyse everything. Oh well, we have put wheels in motion and are intending to rent our UK house out until the market picks up and also I guess as a safety net, just in case we go through the same cycle when we get back to Brisbane.

Keep telling myself to regret the things I've done and not what I haven't done!

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I find great inspiration with this quote from Saint Augustine:- “The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.”

I think I have now turned to the next chapter and will continue reading the next page, life on this planet is so short and full of tragedy and I have lived through a few myself and only go wanting the best for my family. I have learned a lot in the 4 1/2 years I have been here, and yes it is a beautiful country in its own right. But for us at the moment we are torn between two countries, Queensland has drawn me back 3 times in the 4 1/2 years we have been here in NZ and have visited friends often over there, funny enough we too had a house in UK we rented and eventually sold to cut our ties in the UK altogether as our intentions was not to return. We spent a fortune getting back again and now feel no obligation to stay in Auckland with only 17 months left on my contract and so much uncertainty whether I will get a new contract, major downsizing looms over the coming months with budget cuts. But we have choices and are now taking time to consider those choices wisely. We have Indefinite PR in NZ so not a problem to come back either way, but would like to give Aussie a try sooner rather than later.

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

Most of the threads on this forum focus on people who want to come back to the UK, or have returned and settled in straight away. It's easy to forget that some of us find it a lot harder.

I grew up in the UK, lived in Hong Kong and spent 30 years in South Africa. My wife decided to return in 2006, and I visited her a few times, then she asked me to join her permanently in 2008. I did, with serious reservations, but I had no desire to come back to the UK at all. I left because I didn't like it, more than 30 years ago, and I still feel the same way. I've been back to Africa several times since then, and it's like going home, with the inevitable sadness when I leave to come back here.

I belong in Africa, warts and all, and I'm going back.

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

I think part of the problem with returnees stems from the expectation that they will be going back to what they had when often the hole that they left in other peoples' lives has been healed over and there is no space for them in it any more. And rightly so, in some ways, you cant expect people to be living with the grief of having lost someone important for all that long. In some ways, the onus is on you to try and restore their trust in you - why should they make huge efforts if you could be gone again? People protect themselves from emotional pain in lots of ways and you may see it as rejection but they may see it as protection - not easy for any of you!

In some ways it is much better if people view a return to UK as being a move forward, and treat it just the same way that they treated a move away across the world the first time. If you arent moving back to a home and a job judiciously retained while you did a quick attempt at a foreign country, then head back to UK and try somewhere else and start anew... give it the same sort of enthusiasm and settling in period that you gave the first place.

What is happening, apparently, for some of you is the "curse of the expat" always destined to be looking back at what you had elsewhere and remembering it to be better than what you have where you are now - it's a common phenomenon. Every place is going to have its good points and bad points and the points that made you leave one environment in the first place are still going to be there the second time around unfortunately. There is no utopia.

Good luck with whichever way you jump

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

Hey there

We have just moved back to the UK also (from Ca, USA) and have to be honest - good days, bad days... it takes time to settle in. We have an extremely supportive family so in many ways they make things easier for us.
I think when you are abroad you forget the shitty parts of "home" and for me, only remember the Dougie MacLean "Caledonia"... I know I did! But in reality.... that Caledonia is there - you just have to see it through those expat eyes! Don't buy into the cynicism!!

When the bad days come round, I think about our support system here, the healthcare we have free access to, the humour (it does exist... you just gotta find your peeps!) and of course, the daily "hi, how's it going?" with our parents... that's worth it, right!? My old man had a triple bypass last year and tells me the same story 5 times every day! Ah well... at least I know when to laugh...
I'm so grateful to be home... the job search is tough but again... we're here with the people who love us and whom we love... that's the measure of a good life... not the sunshine, the beaches nor the possessions!

Hang in there...

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

I know that when we head back to Scotland, we will have a lot of support from my family and that will help. we also know that we are going back not for the family but because we want to. its killing me that its going to take us a long time to get back due to the earthquake and getting our house sorted.

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

My husband is South African and after spending 16 years of my life there I felt it was my home too. But, after much deliberation between SA and UK we have decided to head to the UK (I am a British expat living in Singapore). We made the decision based on the fact that the reasons we left Africa are still there eg crime, difficulty with children getting a proper education, government or lack thereof, employment (affirmative action effects) and cost of living. Whilst the cost of living at first seems low is in fact pretty high when you factor in life insurance, car insurance and medical aids which are exorbitant due to life expectancy, hi-jackings and stress related illnesses. Is your wife heading back to Africa with you?

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Very interesting thread.

Tough one Frequent Flyer. I would have done what you have done. In fact, I did return for my Dad , leaving my husband here. Husband knew it was for as long as it took and was very understanding as he could see that, for me, with my Dad it just had to happen, be it for weeks, months, years.

I did it for my Dad because I loved my Dad and I simply couldn't have cared less whether he embraced my return as the absent daughter or not. I simply loved him enough to just return for him. To be with him unconditionally . He was so precious to me.

We met a person once in Nelson airport. She was doing a twice a year return to the UK to be with her parents. I admired that. I managed 4 returns in 4 years. I'd have done more and for longer if we'd had the money. Husband is back there now with his 83 yr old Mum. We've managed to find the money for him to also get back there annually somehow.

I dunno Freq Fly.

Mr BEVS family all tell us that the UK is going to the dawgs and we are best the hell out of it. They are also all doom and gloom, yet they none of them seem to have it so very bad or seem on the cusp of severing their jugulars. I'm always hearing about the holidays they have or the family get togethers.

Maybe it's that they perceive that we, the removed ones, have / had the better life that they would only dream of ( via fanciful TV progs ) and just simply can't see that it is the same poo , different bucket for most of us. In fact, it can be the same poo without familiar pals and family around us.

They're sticking it to you mate. You 'escaped' but returned. They just don't get it & you are now an exotic. Something beyond their understanding.

There is a reverse culture thing that can go on. Have a read HERE It's an ancient article and just shows what a BE saddo I am. :p but it still stands strong I feel.

I think you've done ace in returning . You may not stay forever but you are in the right place at the right time for now. Fair play to you.

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

I read that article. It should be required reading for all returning expats. Most importantly it makes it not only OK, but normal to go through periods of depression, disenchantment and loneliness as we find our way toward re-integration.
I am trying really hard to prepare for going back, to realise that it may not all be smooth sailing and to allow for that part of the expereince as well as the looking forward to all of the things that I miss about England, the easy part. Time will tell but I am dead certain that this is what I want to do.

Re: Back Three Months and Struggling to Settle ...
 

I agree the article should be mandatory reading for all returnee's. On my own recent 3 month "looksee" trip I think I experienced all those stages.

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The posts on really make you think about what you are doing. All I know is regarding parents I was home when my Dad died and never missed a visit to the hospital when he was sick. We had some good times and I know he enjoyed me being home he loved my baby son and got great pleasure from him. No regrets. Not the same with my Mum. When she was ill I was in the UK and I could not afford to go home when I decided I had better go to take care of her my brothers had already put her in a home and put her house up for sale. I cannot blame them I was not there to help. But the last phone call to her was just after Christmas and she asked me when i was coming home and she could not understand why I was not there. She died two days later. I will always regret that.

I do think ex-pats returning home look at it through rose tinted glasses. Expecting everything to be as it was with nothing changed. Its different when we go home for visits people do make extra efforts to come and see you but when you are back home for good they just get on with life and its a gradual acceptance of you being back.

My family had me really upset a few weeks ago my brother was really ill things were awful in the UK moan moan moan, but the next minute I get a call from SIL saying she had booked a holiday in Greece for the family and they were looking forward to it. Not only that but they had also booked another one for later in the year. I have one friend that wrote to tell me she has 5 holidays booked for this year. So things cannot be that bad.

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I am sure that this may be true for some but not all. In my many trips back, I have always paid close attention to the changes and looked for them asking myself "How would it be to live in the UK now with all these changes?". I think many of us are aware of how much things have changed and try to keep an eye on them through the media.
It is because I am aware of the changes that I have chosen not to go back to my home town. The beautiful school in the centre of town is now a shopping centre; the countryside I used to cycle through is now housing estates, etc. etc. so I shall go to somewhere I have not experienced before. My best friend there goes on and on about the changes and how awful it is, but it has changed everywhere. There is lots I could moan about here too. Life is what we make it wherever we live. In my 10 years here on Salt Spring I have seen so many changes. It is all part of life.

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Since time began people have been complaining about change instead of seeing the positives. It happens everywhere and it will probably always happen. I saw lots of changes when I was back last and more positives than negatives to be honest.

As for friends slipping away again, I think that's up to us. We are the ones who left and we are the ones who will have to work to rekindle those relationships. I can't wait!

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I so agree with you, Sally. I will be going back this summer after 30 years. I go back at least twice a year and call my parents every day, so I keep in touch with things. I've never actually talked about my life in the US when I've been back in England to anyone other than my family because, quite honestly, it's a foreign concept to them and they're not really interested. Conversely, the same has been true over here - Americans are really not interested in hearing about life in England. After all, if you keep harping on about the other country, they will ask the question "why are you here, then?"

I think for me the hardest part will be getting back into the employment culture (here's hoping I can find a job in the first place!) - Los Angeles is different to the rest of the USA, let alone the UK! But I know that for me, this is right decision.

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This is so true....it is easier if like me, they keep you in the loop to some extent because you only went away on a posting for oh's job and would rather have stayed in UK and they know this.
I do find having no base (UK house rented out) when I return for holidays very stressful but when we return permanently I think being back in the house that is so full of 'early baby' memories will be so much easier.
No date yet...but I too can't wait to be there for elderly relatives and rekindle the friends who go way back...the true ones who you can always just pick up again with however long it's been.

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I knew there would be things I missed about Aus but not enough to make us/me want to stay.....we take days out here and try to look for the positives...I can understand why some people ping pong in a way but if we have learnt anything about migrating etc is that you have to go with your heart as well and we are that bit wiser, we knew we would not be able to start where we left off here in the UK friends and family do move on thats natural but that works for us as well, we have made knew friends and are a bit more independant from our families than we were before we left the UK which is also good for us...we join in the best family bits and leave out the things we dont want to join in...lol...we are in a new area for us which is nice and we have made new friends and have kept some old friends which again is life..it moves on.....we dont thing "have we done the right thing" that would drive us mad...we just try and improve on the things here we find a bit more taxing....ie we cannot get to the beach as quickly as we did before but we do have a day out to a beach and we have seen some lovely ones we have never visited before....we mainly look at the positives more than the negatives now....good luck....its never easy moving no matter where...

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Nicely stated thank you. It helps me as I wait in what I term 'no mans land.' To take that plunge.