FrequentFlyer

I've been back in the UK now for almost three months. I thought it would be easy, just step of the plane and it would all feel 'home' and 'right' just like it did on all those many visits back to the UK whilst living in New Zealand ........ but now its a permanent move it feels hard to be here and I am struggling to find the nice things I left behind (british sense of humour, history, decent housing, bbc, pretty countryside etc etc)

The worst thing that is getting me down is the attitude of people in the UK. Almost everyone is so negative and gloomy and can only see the bad side of pretty much everything. I have literally fallen out with long term friends over this as they were so negative I didn't want to be around them. I see the free healthcare, the opportunity for every child to have a free education, the personal freedoms enjoyed by everyone here and the relatively easy to live with climate and low likelihood of earthquakes and tsunamis.

I am a glass half full kind of person and I was so excited about coming 'home'. Even a recruitment consultant laughed at me the other day when I said I was excited about working in the UK and said "oh my you are the only one who is". Didn't get me a job or even an interview to go on the books though whatever she thought!

The reason I have returned to the UK is that I am an only child ......... and for the final years of my ageing parents lives (they are 90 and 82) I want to do what's right by them as they have always supported me through good and bad times. Not to do this would not give me peace of mind. It was untenable to continue flying back and forth twice a year and always worrying if people back home were OK. So for this reason it is right to be here but for most every other reason its feeling very wrong.

Is this just me or do other returned expats feel this way too? Are there any UK groups for returned expats? We are a unique breed and a lot of folks who have never been anywhere else seldom understand us and our lack of belonging and homesickness either side of the planet.

Just wondered if I am the only one who feels like this. Very lonely and very out of step with pretty much everything and constantly thinking have I done the right thing and should I go back to NZ.

coal

Is this just me or do other returned expats feel this way too? Are there any UK groups for returned expats? We are a unique breed and a lot of folks who have never been anywhere else seldom understand us and our lack of belonging and homesickness either side of the planet.

Just wondered if I am the only one who feels like this. Very lonely and very out of step with pretty much everything and constantly thinking have I done the right thing and should I go back to NZ.[/QUOTE]

Me too! You are not alone. I came back to the UK after emigrating for a year, going through a lot of stress and uncertainty while I was there. Now having come back I don't know where I belong and even though I was on an emotional rollercoaster when I was away, I do still think did I make the right decision. I think its called the expats curse...its hard to settle back when you've had a taste of another life. I also have feelings of failure, that I didn't succeed in what i set out to do..its a feeling that not a lot of people here who havn't done it understand too well. BE has always been such a great resource as it is a place where people understand what you are going through...

coal

Me too! You are not alone. I came back to the UK after emigrating for a year, going through a lot of stress and uncertainty while I was there. Now having come back I don't know where I belong and even though I was on an emotional rollercoaster when I was away, I do still think did I make the right decision. I think its called the expats curse...its hard to settle back when you've had a taste of another life. I also have feelings of failure, that I didn't succeed in what i set out to do..its a feeling that not a lot of people here who havn't done it understand too well. BE has always been such a great resource as it is a place where people understand what you are going through...[/QUOTE]

Mummy in the foothills

I think it can take quite a while to settle again, having no job, that uncertainty makes it worse, you start thinking back wondering if you did the right thing etc etc. I'd try to rise above the negative and remember why it is you moved back, to help the parents. Then either bite your tongue, roll your eyes or figure out a snide comment back to those who try to rain on your parade. Each option depending on who is doing the raining of course.

jonesey

We too are looking to settle nearer home but close enough to family, we have been here in NZ for nearly 5 years now and completely understand everything you have said what you left behind. Sense of humour, history, decent housing, bbc, pretty countryside etc etc) and the biggest no brainer for us as a family, the kids have not seen their grandparents in 5 years over here and I don't care what anyone else says on the forum for what its worth, you need your nearest and dearest around you even when your in New Zealand. I know we didn't come here wearing Rose Tinted Glasses after all this is our second trip to NZ. But we are a unique breed and a lot of folks who have never been anywhere else seldom understand us and our lack of belonging and homesickness either side of the planet we endure.

But to wrap it all up, this has been another one of life's lessons to add to the next chapter of our lives, we have done it and enjoyed most parts of New Zealand, but being closer to home is what will make it for us, even Europe and 3 hours flying time away will cut it for me and the family. I know most parts of Europe are still recovering or in deep recession, but looking at New Zealand and what it will cost to recover Christchurch estimations of $30 billion dollars we will take our chances in Europe for now.

Beedubya

I have only been back 2 weeks and haven't had your experience thankfully.

I am staying with family and all have been supportive of my decision.

There is a thread on here somewhere suggesting that when you get the inevitable "WTH would you want to come back to live in this dump?" questions from negative friends or rellies, you reply with "Have you ever lived in NZ/Oz/USA?" When they say "No." You say "Well then."

I have this retort ready but haven't had recourse to use it yet.

Donnavan

OP, you are so not alone. Sadly so many expats feel the way you do, myself included. I have been an expat pretty much all my life, traveling throughout Asia with Scottish parents then finally settling (or so I thought) in South Africa. I was brought up by my parents to be Scottish and believed myself to be Scottish, that is, until I left South Africa with my husband and two children and landed in Scotland 10 years ago - only to realize that I am not actually Scottish! I had a huge identity crisis. I since left the UK and have now been traveling over the last 10 years with my husband and 2 kids and have stayed in England, Germany, Italy, China and Singapore (on 2 separate assignments) and its now time for us to have a home -we are headed to England at the end of April. I have been reading a book called Third Culture Kids and it has given me so much insight to the expat phenomenon, I would highly recommend it. Try keeping in mind the reasons why you have returned to the UK i.e. your parents and try to keep the smile in place. You have also just survived 3 months of icky winter weather which is always tough, try and think of the long summer nights and the beautiful spring colours coming (hopefully). Good luck in finding a job. I wish you all the best.

garyp

Much of the same for me too. Not commented much on here since I have been back. Trying not to remind myself what I left.
Been back in UK for 5 months now. More or less slotted back into my old life as I only managed 8 months in Qld Australia. Came back at the worst time what with the weather and cutbacks. I agree with the negative views of the UK but I suppose in this climate its justified. Far more positive in OZ.
I thought I was homesick and dragged my family back but realised after a few days i dont really want to be here. I could easily be a ping pong pom but unfortunately my kids are happy and glad to be back. If it was just the wife and myself I think I would have gone back to OZ already. Think I am stuck here for good.

bandrui

Hi FF,
I haven't returned yet, hopefully this year, but wanted to let you know that there will come a day when you realise that you have done the right thing by your parents, not just for them but for you too.
My parents have been gone for quite a while. I knew I loved them but it wasn't until they were gone that I realised just how much they meant to me, and how much I wished I had gone home to take care of my mother after my father died, nay while they were both still alive.
She was quite ill and my brother was taking care of her but, from the moment I left England, she would have done anything to have me come home again. Now it is too late to give her that gift and I have some guilt about going back now. Too late for her. NOTHING can replace having this time with your mother and father. I miss mine terribly.
I too have occasional fears that I will wake up one day in England and say WTH have I done, but hope that day never comes. Let's face it, I immerse myself in all things English here in Canada... TV shows, food, books, etc... my life here has become stagnant and I could give you a list as long as your arm of things that I miss about being there.
It's a bit of a British thing to whine I think, but you can be that bright light that helps them to see another side of things. Perhaps it would help to make a list of the things you missed about the UK before you went home, just to remind yourself. Surround yourself with positive people if you can. Remember lots of those negative people haven't experienced life anywhere else and think it's all a bed of roses. We know that that isn't so.
All the very best,
Linda

sallysimmons

Brilliantly said and I agree 100%. My dad died while I was living abroad and although I got to spend his last few weeks with him, I regret every day the years I missed with him because I was pursuing my own desires. Now I want to get back to be with my mum, but the decision isn't only up to me and so I am stuck here.

You are doing the right thing - not just for them but for you too. But I really feel for you regarding British negativity. I know that will be my biggest challenge if I ever get back. The whining and drama is SO annoying!

Give it time and keep your end goal in mind. Your parents need you and you're doing a wonderful thing being there for them. Good luck!

Davesax

I can understand the parent thing and it was mainly that which made me and family to move back to UK after 4 years away . When we returned I found that both my parents had stil their own life and we hardly saw them !
I then realised that i had my own family and that their future was equally if not more important .

We moved back to Perth after 1 year and we are all absolutley thrilled to be back in Perth . The UK is not the same place , and i'm 100 percent sure that we are in the right place for us .

I say trust your instinct , good luck .

golgo13

I have been living in Australia for 4 1/2 years and this Thursday get my Australian citizenship. I will also be turning 29 in September. I have visited the UK about three times since I move to Australia. The one thing that has stuck with me on my last two visits is how much I actually miss my family, especially my nieces. You can have the most beautiful sea view or the most relaxed lifestyle, but without your loved ones its pointless. I am already having the feelings you mention and I am still about 7 months out of returning to the UK. Hang on in there and your decision to return will be justified. An idea might be in a year to go back and visit where you just left and see how you feel, i have a feeling you will be referring to the UK as home.

flbrit59

l agree completely. l just hated being so far away when my father died suddenly in 2002..not that l could have done anything,but l just felt so bad at being so far away. I manage to see my mum once a year,(instead of the once a week that l used to see her when l lived in the UK) but she's 81 now,fortunately in good health but everytime we have to part company,l can't help wondering if it'll be the last time that l see her.

I've been in the US for 13 yrs now and realistically,will probably never go back to live in the UK,but l'd go back in a heartbeat if l could. For all it's faults,it home ! At least l have dual citizenship to fall back on,so l can come and go as l please..if only l had the chance !

Lorac05

What you said makes a lot of sense. My parents are still with me but getting older and I'd be lying if I said they weren't a huge part of my desire to return home. I want to spend quality time with them whilst they are still active as well as see my nieces and nephews as well. My Mom also wanted me home from the time I left so I am happy to be finally heading back - I'm flying on the 26th of this month and I can't wait!!

janeyk

Intresting thread we did just that return to be nearer family who with the exception of my Dad totally blanked us, we were home a total of 7 months and in that time we did not see our inlaws once though not through the want of trying, my eldest brother we only saw when we decided to leave and I pushed myself on him!
I enjoyed being back home, but 7th months without a job proved challenging and our saving diminished, back in NZ we have now had our first visitor (my dad) and tbh loving it, if it was left up to me the inlaws can whistle if they become ill I am not going to spend my hard earned cash racing back there!