polrowrow

Hello,

I’ve been wanting to talk to someone about the dilemma of where to live for almost a year and not sure why I didn’t find this sooner!

To provide a bit of background as brief as possible - my Australian now-husband and I met in my hometown of london when we were 19 and he was on holiday and he moved here for 4 years. I am a home bird and always wanted to live here in London forever. However I agreed to move to his home of Melbourne for a year or so to meet his family and friends properly and ‘travel’. We stayed in Melbourne for 2 years and got engaged. I loved my job, the warm weather, I fell in love with the city and made amazing friends. We got a partner visa for me to stay in the same job and city for the entirety of our stay. Halfway through we made plans to move back and get married. My younger brother was also going through some hard health issues. After we booked the tickets home and applied for a visa though, things seemed to really fall into place with Aussie life for the last 6 months.

As the time came to leave Australia in January 2017 I was devastated and felt like I was in the middle of the best time of my life. I loved the lifestyle and the friends I’d made. It sounds dramatic but it felt like I’d torn myself out of my life. I got quite depressed in London living at my parents’ for the first 5 months. Things have got a little better over the past year but I still miss Melbourne everyday and I’m constantly comparing things. I miss the beach and fresh air, and the relaxed outlook to life.

People in london seem so stressed, everything is very work orientated, my commute adds 3 hours a day to my work day and that seems to be normal, rent is half of my salary for a tiny 1 bedroom shared with my husband. And this is coming from someone born and raised in London; I am seeing it in a new light after Melbourne. I think we could be happier in a slightly smaller city like Bristol or Brighton, but we are reluctant to start from scratch again as we already feel split in two. Also to move away from my family as they are the main reason we are here.

Cost wise, lifestyle wise, social life wise, weather and outdoor wise, Melbourne makes 100% sense for us as a couple. Yet my ties to my family are so so strong and I feel awful guilt about leaving them. My parents have been amazing and I’m close to my siblings. I know I could live with seeing them once a year but it’s hard to make that very final decision as we don’t want to keep moving. As we approach our late twenties we are looking to still have lots of fun and an active social life (which we lack in london) yet also a place to ground ourselves to have children in a few years’. We are being destroyed by our decision whether to stay or leave. I’m lucky to have a flexible husband who doesn’t mind either way, he would probably be happier in Melbourne but loves my family too and knows how close I am to them. He makes it work either way.

Sorry this has turned out to be SO long and I’m not sure what I’m hoping from this. Maybe someone who has been in the same situation or even someone who has made the decision to live in Australia despite being very close to their family. How did you feel after you had a baby as well? I just feel like life there is ‘unfinished’ and I can’t feel excited about the future here, while I also can’t bring myself to uphaul us again. Help! X

Caroline in Arizona

My recommendation is that you go back to Melbourne. You say that “life there is “unfinished””. I’m not sure those feelings of unfinished business will go away. We are returning to Scotland next year after 32 years in Arizona. I have remained close to my family and childhood friends for the duration. Being close to your family does not mean that you have to physically see each other all the time. It is so much easier to stay in touch these days with virtually no cost. In the past 24 hours I’ve heard from our 3 sons, my brother, my sister and a niece. My feelings of homesickness became more pronounced after our 3 sons left Arizona. If I had felt this degree of homesickness when I was much younger I would have returned earlier. You are young, you love it over there so I say go back. England will always be waiting for you if you decide further down the road that you are ready to return to your homeland.

verystormy

The only advice I will give is that you mention costs of living in London, which I fully understand, yet you only mention UK options that are also very expensive places to live. My advice is to remember that one of the good things about the UK is its smaller size. For example, we can visit family in London for a day trip, but live in Scotland - a flight is £30 and takes 45 minutes.

Moses2013

I can only agree with verystormy and you should think of the positives rather than the negatives. You can live in a cheaper nicer part of the UK and would still be close to the family.


You have many options and it's up to you what kind of lifestyle you create.
Some cities might have lower wages, but you can maybe afford a bigger house and still have more money left. Maybe a smaller town near the coast might offer you a better lifestyle etc. Even if you miss warmer weather during winter, you can fly to Spain in less than 3 hours and it doesn't cost the world.


Just to add, what about a city like Cardiff? Heard a lot of positive things about it and you basically have everything on your doorstep including a National Park. It's also just 2 hours to London with the train.

brits1

After living in some large Cities overseas I know I could not live "in" them again, I enjoy visiting a City from time to time, the good thing in the Uk is that nothing is very far away. Bath, Bristol,York, Norwich, Newcastle, Leeds are all smaller cities but with everything a big City has but with wonderful countryside on their doorstep. My SIL lived in Chelsea for years but moved to Kent about 10 years ago and loves it, she only visits London as a "treat" so you could try a move away from London or move back to Melbourne. Good luck with everything

polrowrow

Thank you soo much for your advice, it's been so useful to read everyone's answers. I don't think a smaller city is an option for us at the moment. Maybe one day in the future, but my husband wants to be in either London or Melbourne. Partly because of his career but also because my family is pretty much the only reason we are here, and even to be a day trip away from them doesn't seem worth it. I'd rather be in Australia

polrowrow

Thank you sooo much for your advice, it's been so useful to read everyone's answers. I don't think a smaller UK city is an option for us at the moment. Maybe one day in the future, but my husband wants to be in either London or Melbourne. Partly because of his career but also because my family is pretty much the only reason we are here, and even to be a day trip away from them doesn't seem worth it. I'd rather be in Australia.

polrowrow

Thank you soo much for your advice, it's been so useful to read everyone's answers. I don't think a smaller city is an option for us at the moment. Maybe one day in the future, but my husband wants to be in either London or Melbourne. Partly because of his career but also because my family is pretty much the only reason we are here, and even to be a day trip away from them doesn't seem worth it. I'd rather be in Australia

polrowrow

Thank you loads for your advice, it's been so useful to read everyone's answers. As I mentioned I don't think another UK location is an option for us at the moment. Maybe one day in the future, but my husband wants to be in either London or Melbourne. Partly because of his career but also because my family is pretty much the only reason we are here, and even to be a day trip away from them doesn't seem worth it. I'd rather be in Australia

polrowrow

Caroline thank you sooo much for this answer. It really helped to have someone make sense of my feelings at the moment! And what you said about being close not having to be physical was a really good point. Thank you Good luck with everything too

MidAtlantic

I don't know where you are in London, but a 3 hour commute sounds horrendous and would certainly add to stress if it was me. I lived for 20 years in Camberwell/Herne Hill and worked in central London. I then lived in Uxbridge and worked locally, so no real commute at all. So much depends on where you work and live. Maybe review other outskirts of London.

You are fortunate to have a husband who is so understanding.

At heart you seem to be saying that you want to be in Melbourne and it is an element of guilt about your family that keeps you in London. Surely your family want to see you happy? Maybe some mutual understanding that you will come to see them once a year could work? Although be careful what you promise because ill health can change that (it did for us when my wife was unexpectedly taken ill, making travel now an ordeal for her) and travelling with young children in the future would be far more of a challenge.

Only you can answer the where you really want to be vs your family question.

Good luck with whatever solution you find.

Moses2013

Another location would still be worth it for you and your family. I doubt you see them every day now and being 2 hours away is still closer than being on the other side of the world. If you can afford a bigger home, your family could actually visit and stay with you any weekend. Regarding career, what's the point of a career if you are unhappy anyway.
From your answers, I think it's pretty clear that you will go back to Melbourne and London will never work for you. The things that make you depressed now won't change in the near future (stressed people, expensive housing, long commutes).

durham_lad

Having stayed in St Kilda for 3 weeks a few years ago I can see why you like it so much in Melbourne, we thought it was excellent. Our daughter’s partner is from Adelaide and has lived and worked in a number of cities including Melbourne, Sydney, Vancouver, Seattle and Santa Monica. He says that his favorite place by far to live in was Melbourne.

When we moved to Houston in 1987 with our very small children it was supposed to be for 2 years and we were happy with that knowing we wouldn’t be away from family too long, but after only 18 months the company decided to close down the office and we had the option of returning to England or relocating to another city in the USA for another 2 year assignment. Although we have a very close relationship with all our family it was a tough call but decided that our adventure was not yet over and if we did go back we might spend the rest of lives thinking “what if”. We decided to stay and as mentioned above it really is quite easy to stay in contact. We would visit England every year and were earning enough money to bring over our parents every year. (Her parents one year, mine the next).

We did eventually move back to England and are very happy to be back but loved all our experiences in America.

Caroline in Arizona

durham_lad - what a great line “decided that our adventure was not yet over”. I think that sums it up and as so many of us realize we are very fortunate to have these choices.

durham_lad

We had been mentally prepared for 2 years away and in that first 18 months we had a wonderful time, spending all our spare cash on vacations with the children and were simply not ready to go back at that time. Very fortunate indeed to be working for a big company who needed my skills and were able to offer me another 2 year assignment in a place north of San Francisco, Wilmington, Delaware, or Baton Rouge Louisiana.

We ruled out the San Francisco because it was a long way for family to come visit and the cost of living was way more expensive so our travel would be somewhat curtailed. I chose Baton Rouge because it was a better fit for what I wanted to do career wise and it worked out really well. After 2 years there we decided that the children were old enough to be involved in the decision of whether to move back or stay on, and they were very keen to stay which suited us just fine.