karin_and_boys

Well, not unhappy, but unsure...we are back from Illinois a year, and everything has been fine. Really no major complaints at all. Apart from the kids who preferred their US school. Things I expected to find hard (going from big house to smaller one) really hasn't bothered me at all. Less space to clean! And in hindsight we really didn't use all our space in the U.S house. I do miss the large yard (1 acre) well the privacy associated, though at the same time I like my neighbors here and love popping in for a coffee occasionally (never happens spontaneously in the US, not for me anyway)
Some things haven't worked out as I envisaged, mostly regarding family here, and I HATE the climate. I know the chicago winter is brutal, but the summer is glorious. This weekend reminded me of those days in Chicago where you threw on shorts and tee shirt and spent the day outdoors.

But, now we have a chance to go back, and I feel so nervous to give up what we have here. Having done all the sums, I think we would be a bit better off financially here, as we would have the big college fees and more provision for old age and there is just the security of being old in UK versus U.S So looks lke a no-brainer to stay here, riight?

But, I cannot get beyond the feeling that I am depriving my boys of better opportunities. The school was better, without a shadow of a doubt. Even though they are in a private school here, facilities are not comparable. My younger boys wants to work for NASA, hes only 11 and who knows may well never make the cut, but has an enormous interest in space and technology and staying here, well, zero chance of achieving that dream.

My parents here are in their late 70's and even in the year I have been home I have seen them deteriorate and become more dependent. Even if I say I will fly home twice a year and spend a week or two, its not the same really, is it? It doesn't help that my boys are their favorite grandkids.

I know my husband really wants to go back, his parents passed away a number of years ago, so no issues for him there. But he knows my situation so will not go if I am not 100 percent comfortable.

We are mid 40's , so thinking about retirement is on the cards for us. If I was 30 i would be less concerned. Also our boys are early teens, we cannot jump back and forth with them anymore. We have lived in limbo for the past 4 years, not even wanting to get a pet because we don't know where we will settle. I know this isn't good for the kids. Its not good for us either. But maybe we should be thinking more of the next 10 years first?

This weekend my friend handed me a coin and said, Karin, just flip it, because everything seems equal and it probably longterm doesn't make much difference what you do.

I see on this forum a lot of peiople return from Australia and seem very happy to be back. But not so many from the U.S? Is everyone on here estatically happy to be back in the UK from the US?

We will have to make our decision this week. I am desperately looking for signs, anything, I am even on the brink of getting my fortune told (not really but tempted)

Some might say if I don't feel comfortable don't do it. But I just don't do well with change and didn't feel comfortable coming back to UK either (it was driven by a job change)

As to where I would be happiest? I could do well either place. and we would be going back to the same neighborhood and I have a couple of great friends over there. So I think I would be fine.

Am I the only person conflicted in this way? Misery loves company, please let me know if you are in any way in the same boat!
Thanks for 'listening; even if no-one replies its great to get this down on paper
Karin.

janeyk

Um
we returned in Jan from NZ in hindsight should have given it longer come over for a holiday as we were home sick we had really good jobs etc etc but we gave it all up here I am 4 months later still no job (OH has managed tos ecure 3)but we can not live on his salary I have always been the breadwinner now both OH and DS want to retrurn I feel like screaming neither want to relocate in UK should I find a role!
we need to return before 26/11 to keep our visas let alone the poor dog who would have to fly back again!
I love the SW but no roles for me we are in our early 40's and have a pre teen so if we move we need to do it now!

Mummy in the foothills

But it isn't is it? It's easy for someone who hasn't lived in the US long term to say that. But as you age things become even more unequal. US seems geared for the young and healthy to me.
Do what is right for you and your Dh not for what you think the kids "might" want or do. Happy parents make happy kids.
Horrible choice, I hope you can find an answer and some peace with it.

dunroving

I've been back for 4 years and still not having much fun. Have applied for US jobs and had an interview in NC in March, but came in second. Will try again for next academic year.

Englishtart

I think it depends on the circumstances of each case separately. For a person with no ties (children/partner etc) it is probably a lot easier to make that decision, I know you really want to get back here Dunrovin and I 'get that' completely. I really hope you make it soon sweety

If you have a family and your kids are teenagers or close to it, the decision is a lot harder, changing schools is hard for them, especially if changing countries too, (I know yours were here before, so not as unknown for them) Then there is the age of the parents to consider, the health care in the US is a big negative compared to the UK, even with good health insurance, people have still gone bankrupt because of huge medical bills.

It seems that a lot of people go back to the UK as they get older and start to realise that the health care would be less of a burden there, it's a good reason.

I think for you OP, you have to be sure that you are all going to be better off in the US, short/long term. It's not going to be easy for you being here if you know your parents need you there, you have to consider everything, it's not an easy decision, Good luck and know that once you have made it, it will be the right one for you all

bettyboo67

No you definitely are not the only one conflicted right now, my husband and I have been back and forth with our decision to move back to the UK from BC in the past few weeks that we're really tired of it all.
Our house is on the market but is not selling and we've had hardly any viewings, during that time the summer has arrived (and summers in BC are pretty good too) my husbands job has improved hugely ,which was the main reason for his unhappiness.
Today the sun is shining, I have a house full of kids running in and out, some friends just popped by to drop off stuff for our camping trip (our whole street goes camping together every July) and I'm thinking are we mad to be starting all over again? I think the answer to that is yes.
Now how do I tell my mum that we're staying?

Bevm

To the OP, I really don't think your kid's space ambitions play a part. I suspect that sort of career is highly competative, so a good degree from Cambridge or some other top university in the UK will be just as much use to him, and more use than one from a so-so US university. Graduates and postgraduates are very mobile these days.

Also, in 2020 there will be all kinds of exciting scientific and engineering possibilities that don't exist now, and who knows where they might be centered. Even Asia. In fact, the general opinion seems to be that the US space program is wasting away, so the US might not be the place.

What I'm saying is, don't do anything based on any ideas he has now, but of course you want the best education for your kids. Surely there's a way to find a good school where you are, especially if you can pay fees.

Bettyboo, in your situation, I wouldn't come back yet. What's another year or two?

Bev

kevin747

Nope

dunroving

No you're not "not happy", or no, no-one is not happy?

Too many double-negatives!

Scout

Here's the thing......you cannot base your decision to up and move to another country based on an 11 year old's dream to work for NASA.....when I was a kid I wanted to be a firefighter but after a year or so, that phase passed and I moved on to wanting to be a doctor, actress, etc...... No one here though can really make up your mind for you.....that's something you're going to have to do with your family.

We can toss our thoughts out there for you to think about though. Mine may be a little different since I'm an American....but I'll toss them out there anyway.

You say your parents are aging. Are you going to be torn when they need more and more help and you can't be there?

If you move back now and your children grow up in the States and 10 years from now you decide you want to move back again to the UK. Will you be able to handle it when your children don't want to move back and decide to stay in the States?

Did you get citizenship when you were there or were you just there thru a work visa for your husband? Can you get citizenship if you go back or would you simply be there because of your husband's job and if anything happened to that job would you have to move again?


Do you want to grow old in the States? Would your retirement there be taken care of? People in the States don't take care of aging family members like they do in the UK. Most often, the aged in the States are put in a nursing home, there aren't home health care workers to come by the house every day and check on you.

There's a lot of 'what if's' that pop into my mind. Think of as many as you can and weigh them up with 'here vs there' and then try and make a decision. Good luck.

dunroving

I note that you didn't mention your wildest adolescent fantasy - to be a PostMistress in AberBargoed.

But seriously, on the general topic this thread is leaning towards, I watched a poignant 1-hr documentary on STV last night (STV player here, for those who can use it: http://player.stv.tv/), called "the August Years of May and Gloria". May and Gloria are a mother (82 yrs) and daughter who've lived in Canada for years but return to Scotland (Edinburgh area) partly 'cos mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

Anyway, it wasn't a happy ending (mum was in a home within 6 months), but a real eye-opener on how much of a wrench it is to leave people, things, and places behind and how bittersweet to meet up again with people you gew up with.

A must-see for any ex-pat.

Droidling

Very moving that

sallysimmons

I can't really help with your question because I am here in New York, not back home, but these are some of the main factors in my wanting to move home.

I'm now in my forties and realizing that my retirement will be difficult if we don't find a way to get our living costs under control and start saving. I have done all the budgeting and the UK would be way, way cheaper for us. I know that's not the case for everyone but for us it's because a) we live in a ludicrously expensive part of the country so house prices in the UK don't phase us and b) we're self-employed so we have ginormous health care costs and very high self-employment taxes. Even with the higher income tax, we'd pay less tax in the UK.

Everything here in New York is expensive - not just housing but utilities, car insurance, food - sometimes I think US society is just one huge profit-making machine and I live right in the middle of it!

Not to mention that we have no security with our health care plan so it could be taken away at any time. President Obama's new law may help with that a few years from now, but I suspect health care companies will find a way round the law.

Finally, in England we have friends and family to help us as we age (and who we can help). We don't have that here but maybe you did.

I've come to feel that being close to family is more important than the type of house I have or the weather although I'm sure if I was home I'd feel worse about the weather

As for the kids, maybe I have this all wrong, but isn't the UK education system better than the US system? I don't have kids so what do I know? But I have a teacher friend who came over on an exchange and left with his hair standing on end about how little the kids knew. Plus so few adults seem to be able to spell, write properly or do simple math, which makes me wonder about the quality of the system. So is it a certainty that they would have more opportunity here?

magistrate

Just a word about the education system here in the UK ,I firmly believe although my daughter is 29 that the Uk children are better informed about the world ,the US children are educated about the USA and do not see what the rest of the globe is involved in ,if you watch the US news channels it is American news and little of world stories.
My own feelings concerning the downsides in England are terrible litter bugs even on Dartmoor as in my local news today!,crime and the youth but hopefully the new government will consider changes in the weak penal system. The most surprising thing too is the obesity problem now in the Uk ,never used to see so many very overweight teens and children but lots more junk food than was years ago.
Television not as good as it used to be but maybe thats a mid 50s lady moaner.
I know this is unrelated Ladies ,does anyone have advice for the most horrendous hot flushes,flashes in the USA,I feel i am going crazy ,have tried herbal remedies ,cut back on all the good stuff to eat that is supposed to aggravate the condition . The doctor just recommends HRt or anti depressants which I do not want ,I wake up 10 times a night on average ,no wonder I am depressed !duh.Help pleasssssseeee.

Confused1

I think you need to be careful about how you compare UK and US education - it really depends upon the school. I have a family member who is a UK teacher, and she has informed me that my children are at least a year or two above the level of the kids in the UK at the moment. Admittedly they attend a private school, but even so, you do need to take that into consideration. Also, we live in the Bay Area, and as such typically the local news does address foreigns concerns, particularly if they concern nationals of those countries that now live here. I admit that it is selective, but it is there. Also, that void can be filled my merely listening to the radio at home and watching the BBC World News on television. These are gaps that can be filled if you are concerned about the lack of knowledge in these areas.