Bishop3912

Hello everyone, I was just wondering if I am losing my mind!!! We moved over to Oz at the begining of November 07 we started missing F & F after being here 7 weeks, we batted back and forth about going back to the UK as we were really unhappy and it was starting to affect our children. We spoke to family and friends who all thought we were mad to go back and that we hadnt given it long enough out here in Oz (some family were really excited for us to come back and were really pleased we were) we lasted a grand total of 11 weeks and 5 days before we went back to the UK . We had the house put into storage with a delayed shipping time whilst we made a decision as to whether or not to stay in the UK, OH had a possible job offer in the UK which did not come off but he did get a job offer here in Oz. We decided to take the Oz job and come back, we stupidly thought that the homesickness eased through time (rather than because we knew we were going back to the UK). THe more people nagged at me in the UK and said to me that they knew we wouldnt last the more I wanted to prove people wrong and come back. :curse: Well we came back and have been back the grand total of 21 days!!!! and hey ho the downward spiral started with a vengance after only 6 days. I am really missing my family and wish that we had never came back. I wish that we had never started the visa process, that I had never sold my lovely house and given up a good life that we had to come out here for a supposed "dream". Instead of finding our dream I have found a nightmare, I am now getting more and more depressed about being out here and am feeling really trapped. :curse:OH is reluctant to give up his job here to go back to the UK to try to find a job in case he doesnt....our rental on the house here runs out on 11 June and I know that I dont want to rent somewhere else or buy anywhere the way I feel. I just want to go back to the UK, I am missing Tescos, my local area, the shops and most of all F & F, as I said I wish that I had my old life back. Any advice on my feelings would be appreciated as I feel my head is about to explode. Dcts want me to go onto medication but I am not sure thats the right path to take. Argggghhhhhh!!! :curse: Also how did/did any of you guys that are going back to the UK get a job secured before you went. Sorry for rambling.

McBaine

Hi Bishop ,

I feel for you and your family, very emotional and difficult decisions.
There is certainly a ' i want my old life back ' although i dont know if its a reality ?? I personally am a little guilty of it myself, sometimes we just dont know when we have it good !! LOL.

May i ask you why you wanted to move to Oz in the first place ?
I can understand some of your reasons for wanting to go back to the UK , we are in a similar boat .

When moving to a new area/ country i personally feel you need to give it between 6 months and a few years .

As far as looking for work , you could try searching for employment agencies in the area you MAY move too !

What scares me in moving back at this exact point in time , is the cost of living in the UK ,compared to my current situation here in Victoria.

Im sure some wiser soles will reply with some good information ..

Bye for now.

jojosan

Hi there, sorry to hear you're feeling so awful - homesickness really grabs you by the throat sometimes, and you just cannot shake it off.

It sounds like a complicated situation you're in. Your OH now wants to stay I think? Or is he willing to go back too? There has been so much said about ping-ponging, and it looks like you caught it early.

I think that you and OH have to have a long talk and decide once and for all what you are going to do. I don't even necessarily mean long term, but at least for now. You've got the house for nearly 2 more months; would it be a better idea to extend your stay to get a few consistent months under your belt, without thinking you may go home, before you assess the situation again? In your mind you will know that you need to spend that time just living and getting on with it, so you can try to stop pining so much, but at least you will also know there is not a 'forever' end date, so you could return. I think you need that time to be really sure.

At the end, when you review the situation, you need to be really sure about what you both want to do. If the pull to the home you know in the UK remains as strong, then perhaps you should go, but with the determination that you will stay and forget about Australia. I imagine (as I haven't done it) that the ping-pongers get that way, as they allow the best bits of either life to creep into their daily life too much, so they pine for what they haven't got. IMO that's not a healthy position for anyone to be in. It's almost a case of being tough, making the decision and sticking with it. But you have to be really clear about the decision you are making in the first place.

I really hope you can get to the point of knowing what is best for your family; and going for it - whichever country that is in.

Good luck, as I can see it is hard going...

kelbelinoz

Hi doll, sounds like you are in a right two and eight!!!

I sympathise fully with you, we have had similar experience, but have not been back to the uk in 7 months. We moved here august 07 and we too sold our beautiful house to fund our "dream". I have cried a lot and stayed in with the curtains shut (when kids were in school).

We made the decision that we wanted to move back in February and have been working towards it since. I really kick myself for coming here, but at the end of the day, what is meant to be is meant to be. I really don't think that unless it is absolutely vital that you should go on happy pills as they really will not help in the long run. Coming off them is very hard and from experience they just numb the real feelings, making a decision even harder to reach as you will question wether it is you or the pills!!!

I have over the last few weeks been in tears about leaving here too(ironically), as I think that maybe we should have tried longer, but at the end of the day if your heart is not in it then don't do it. There are many expats on this site that have REALLY tried for many years and they now find themselves in a worse situation as their kids have really settled or their OH. Also financially you may find that you won't be able to go back to your home town, despite what the papers say, property is still rising in a lot of areas.

We too are in a shit financial situation as we spent a fortune moving here. We gave away a whole house of furniture and bought all new here. We will be charged VAT on the bloody stuff when we take it back!!! About 2000 pounds!!

We just lost $11000 on a car as we bought new and have had to sell back to dealer for a lot less!!!

What I have to say is that all you have to do is decide then everything will fall into place. We are unable to go "home" as we don't want to strap ourselves to a huge mortgage to go backwards. We are compromising and moving to where the inlaws live. Although I really do not want to move there I think that it will turn out for the best. Our mortgage will be smaller than when we left also the property will be a step up from where we left. We did consider renting back in our local area(st albans) but I don't think that it would do my pride any good as after being a home owner in a small village, I couldn't stand to rent!! I emailed my boys old school and they said they are full now......ar**holes. This has just made me more determined to make it even better somewhere else.

I truly believe that you do not want to go backwards, it's just because you can't that makes you want it so much. If you cast your mind back there must have been many things that you were not truly happy with or you wouldn't have chased your dream of oz so hard in the first place.

Don't judge yourself, you are only human, and I'm sure that you feel like you are in a big hole at the momenmt without even being able to see the top.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, we are moving back next week, and although we will be living with inlaws while we find a new home( have our eye on one already) it will be fun embarking on the next chapter in our lives together!!

At least when you old you will have lots of adventures to recall!! Just think if you'd have stayed in one place forever.....you'd always be wondering what if ???

Money and houses can be replaced, memories and opportunties cannot.

Try to enjoy your time here. Write a list of all the things that you want to see and do, do something each weekend, and the time will fly. We made a list as we were depressed and felt like going home would take forever. Now we have done a lot of things on the list. Since writing it, it has grown and we are looking at coming back in couple of years to do the rest of it, only next time we will just take a long holiday!!!

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon. Pm me anytime. Know you are not alone. ((((((hugs)))))))

Bishop3912

Hi McBaine, thanks for the reply. THe original reason for coming out here to Oz was to give our kids a nicer life in the sense of less peer pressure growing up and violence etc (which there is quite a bit of around London, subs and also the pull of not having a mortgage and supposedly having more money. Its been the oposite for us, I feel the environment for the kids here in Oz does not out-weigh being away from their family (to which we are all very close). The non mortgage thing wont be happening as OH jobs doesnt warrant have loads of money the houses we can afford are not what I would chose as the rate has now dropped so low its outpriced us from the properties we originally were looking at. I know people say anything up to 3 years to settle but I really dont know if I have it in me to stick it out, my cousin lives in Perth and she said stick it out for the citizenship and then the kids will have their own choice to make when they are older, but personally I do not feel this is an issue if we are not happy. Will get OH to look for jobs at agencies in London as this is where he will be working, dont know whether or not they will be interested until we are back in the UK though?

Bishop3912

HI JoJoSan, thanks for the reply. Yep OH now wants to stay as he has a job here and nothing in the UK. (think personally he lacks confidence in looking for another job as each job he has ever got has fell into his lap!!!).

OH doesnt mind going back to the UK but eventually, he keeps saying just take each month at a time and in a years time we will make a decision. For me I feel this is not viable as I am stuck at home verses his going to work every day its now becoming obsessive. Someone said to me once that you dont realise what youve got till its gone and that is so true. When you go through the visa process you are so anti-UK that you cant wait to get out here, I defo got caught up on the expats threads!!!! then when you finally do get out here you want to be back, the UK has its faults, but so does every country, nowhere is perfect. For me I feel the UK can offer us as a family in earnings and home etc more and a better education for my kids and better job prospects. Maybe Im wrong?

Bishop3912

HI Kelbelinoz thanks for your reply. OMG I am so jealous that you are going back. I keep telling myself that I am going back and I become so happy then I realise that I am not and get so down again. May try to put off docts for a while to see how I go. Have even contemplated going back with the kids to get a job myself whilst OH stays here earning and then when I am sorted he can come back once the house is packed up!! OH wasnt too keen on this idea. Financially we have spend a fortune too, moving out here first off, then getting the house packed up again and then having it delivered again plus flights out to Oz then back to UK then back to Oz again for 5 of us!!!! THen the car that we bought first time round and lost $7K then the one we have bought this time round (both used). The list sounds a good idea so think I will dig out the Tassie guide book as still so much that we havent seen. Will have to sit down with a bottle of wine and OH to discuss properly rather than snatched conversations. Think he might be put up for murder in a few days time though!! lol. Dont know how you got through the last 7 months (how long was it before you decided to come back to UK). Our dream was to give the kids a better life, but without family I dont think they will, they are missing their nanna and grandad badly too plus all the other family that we are close too. Financially I feel we are worse off as OH wages are a lot less, but shopping is expensive as are the clubs etc that the kids want to do (which they did in the UK). Good luck with the move back. x

McBaine

Hi ,
We moved back with our young kids for the same reasons as you.
Although sadly for me , it just doesnt feel like home .
Citizenship for the kids would be advantagous when they are older , no doubt about it, HOWEVER its quite a awile to wait , sometimes a week feels like a month, lol .

Speak soon

Try to keep ya chin up , there are people here going through similar feelings like you !.

Bye

Bishop3912

thanks mate, its good to know that others are also going through the same things. Yeah citizenship would be adventagous but there is no way I would last the 2 years. Especially as you have to be not leaving Australia for the last 6 months of the time and smack bang in the middle of it is my sister in laws wedding in the uk. So our 6 months would have to begin again and then we miss the qualifying cut off date of June 09 so then we will have to do 4 years!!! I just keep thinking of what the kids are missing out on back in the UK with F & F. Will keep my chin up, thanks for the words x

quoll

{{{hugs}}} to you!!!

I think there may be exceptional circumstance exemptions for the staying in Aus thing - you may get permission for a significant family event which would take you back to the 2 year timeframe.

You can do 2 years if you set your mind to it. Can you manage one day? sure you can. Can you manage a week? yup that too, so there are only 52 weeks in a year so 104 weeks in 2 years and you have already been here a few weeks so it must be under 100 now!!! Get a calendar and cross off the weeks as you get to them.

Break it down into small chunks and it wont seem like forever! Have a plan for things to do - can you get a job of your own? If you cant get a job, how about doing a volunteer job? Get out there in the community and make a few connections.

Your kids are going to be fine no matter what you do. Kids are resilient creatures and as long as you dont muck them about educationally by doing major radical shifts at about GCSE or A level times they will survive. They can probably even survive quite happily for a couple of years if you turn it into an adventure rather than a nightmare.

Having said all that I really do know how hard this is for you - all I can suggest are mind tricks because that, at the moment, is all you have control over. I have been here 29 years on Sunday - yup, that bad that I know to the day how long it has been! It wasnt as bad for me in the early years because I didnt know I was going to be stuck here but now I am stuck here I loathe it and every little niggle becomes a full blown focus of hatred. I survive by mind tricks and regular trips home. I dont know that my kids have had any better life here than they would have done at home (one of them has gone back for a better lifestyle and career prospects), I certainly am facing a much less rich retirement than most of my friends and of course I miss my elderly parents but I find myself just not belonging here.

I hope you can work out something that suits you both - compromise is always the name of the game! (My compromise is that I will stay in Aus - he is Aussie - and his compromise is that he wont go and live a self sufficient lifestyle out in the bush!!!!)

Bishop3912

Hi Quoll, yep you are right counting days off can be done, but I really dont know whether it is what I want, we never saw ourselves living in Oz "for ever" so the kids missing out on the UK education will definately put them really behind. I know that the system and job prospects are far better in the UK for my kids than out here, I cannot believe you have managed to last so long, you must really love your OH, my OH has been really good about all this and has told me tonight that we can go back soon if thats what I really want.!!! really I am packing my bags already, feel so relieved already just knowing that I can go back. Big decisions to be made now. xxx

JAJ

Unclear what the source of the last piece of information is.

LCT

Hi Guys,

I empathise with the predicament that many of us face living in limbo land. Many of us (myself included) seem to be guilty of spending our days dwelling on and romaticising about what we had in the past. I for example, move jobs and then want my old one back, move to Oz and then want my old life back, go home and then want to be back in Oz again ... get back to Oz again and yep, you guessed it.

I am trying to train my mind to focus 3/4 on the present and 1/4 on the future. This is hard work! The past is the past, it has gone. There is no point worrying about what may or may not happen in the future. I know that if I live my life like this, when I near the end I will look back and curse myself for wasting so much time.

I think that the most important thing we can try to do is focus on enjoying each and every day that we have. Try to do something that we enjoy every day, even if its just indulging in a banana bread and latte. Try to notice only the good things about our surroundings. Wherever we are, take a moment to appreciate that little rainbow lorikeet, the swim in the sea or pool, the drive through the beautiful English countryside, the trip to M&S.

Personally I've been through hell and back since this whole Australian saga began and I have absolutely no idea where I am going to spend the rest of my life which means I see only a brick wall when I look into the future.

However, I do now believe that life is too short to spend days wallowing in misery and therefore I'm trying to live in the present and enjoy and appreciate every day. Since coming back to Oz I have done a sailing course, a massage course, meditation and yoga, a tarot course ... you name it, anything to keep busy and keep my mind focused on the present.

I think that this may be the only way that I can work out a solution that I am happy with long term. If I go home again, at least this time I won't be able to curse myself for not having made enough effort to settle.

I am hoping this might be helpful and motivating and not patronising. I still have bad days when I completely forget about all of the above and feel like a big black cloud is hanging over my head. I hope that we can all find peace of mind wherever it may be.

Good luck to all x

Nottinghill

I know where you are emotionally. On this forum I have seen this theme so many times. It is a little like a woman fallen under a spell of "a new man": her heart is made up and the mind is running back and forth creating "reasons" justifying what she is about to do. All I can say is that if your case turns out the same as 1000's of others once back in U.K. : 10months, and the pendulum will be heading the other way. Remember the importance of job and income. Job market in U.K. has changed now. Jobs are more demanding and the pay and benefits are poor.
Do not exaggerate the family thing., How often did you see your family when you were in U.K.? Did they really have a lot of interest in your children? If your husband’s job is fairly pleasant and he has good rapport with his boss I would advise you to see a councilor instead of a travel agent. I am not being funny moving country is not all win. Its trading in what you have for something else. Many Brits go somewhere else and then start trying to blame the locals for not being the same as in England. Then they start looking for English foods, newspapers, pubs and get together with other Brits until anyone watching is justify to ask: if you prefer so many things British why bother coming here?

Please sit down with husband and work out a 5 or 10 year plan. A plan with concrete objectives. And try and set your mind away from what is really a very bad habit...And save some money! Good luck!

Nottinghill

wise words