PomGirl2020

Hi all,

Life decisions are so bloody tough and I’m already quite rubbish with change, so thought I’d reach out to people who have already made the leap & potentially help me out, to make my decision?

I’m a born and bred Londoner, I left England when I was 24yo to teach English in Thailand for a few months, which got me out of my dead end job, away from my overbearing/too dependent family and mend my broken little heart.

Decided that 4 months wasn’t near long enough, so booked a one way ticket to Sydney, alone.

Fast forward 5 years, I’ve worked for 2 of the biggest Media companies in Australia, got my Permanent Residency, met the love of my life 3yrs ago, moved closer to the beach, bought a beautiful Frenchie pup and have made friends for life here.

Now, don’t get me wrong, those 5 years have been the toughest of my life, standing on my own two feet, missing friends/family, suffering financially, surviving feelings of loneliness, guilt, anxiety, fear and isolation, which led to a quick stint with a therapist who reassured me that I’m doing great haha. Oh and the fact I finally made contact with my biological father after 20 years who came out to Australia to visit me – great guy, definitely helped (can’t say the same about my mum now though!).

Anyway, I’m turning the big 3-0 in a few months and wanting the obvious; a mortgage, marriage, babies etc. but my boyfriend and I are feeling stuck.

We could never buy a property here in Sydney, let alone save enough money to do so (his parents are offering us to live rent free at theirs until we have saved enough for a deposit, side note: they live in a cute little village, they’re amazing and how I imagine a perfect little family to be). He says he would never have a baby out here either, as he reckons we would need the support of family. He’s also dead set on moving home THIS August!!!

I’m panicking. I absolutely LOVE our little life here. Albeit can be boring at times, like how many beaches can you see before they all look the same and ‘oh look, another beautiful day making me feel guilty for being sat indoors binge watching UK TV drama’s hungover’ lol. But I like to imagine my future little babies digging in the sand and enjoying the sunshine but I also know what a terrible shame it would be for them to feel as isolated as we do at times, without grandparents.

Anyway, enough about my future visions, in the present, I just can’t seem to cope with the idea of being home. The hideous commute, the council tax, central heating, always wrapping up in 50 layers of clothing because - crap weather, the misery, saving enough $ for 1 big holiday a year, crap wages, BREXIT, rudeness, the crime rates, the drinking culture, the unhealthy/crap food, pollution, the class system, poverty, etc etc etc.

I left because all of the above and Sydney is essentially this big protective bubble, keeping me a million miles away from all of that.

How will I ever cope going back to it, besides being in love?

I’m fearful of getting depressed...

I’m scared it will be the biggest regret of our life...

I’m worried that if anything rocked our relationship then I’d end up alone and stranded...

I’m scared to fly my French Bulldog back after all of the latest press articles on dog deaths in cargo holds. ..

I’m scared I’ll have no friends. ..

I’m scared I won’t find a job in Media again. ..

I’m fearful that I’m not good enough for England anymore...

I’m fearful of my mum finding out that I would want to build on a relationship with my biological father who lives in the UK (she has no idea I’ve even met him). ..

I’m worried that everything I’ve built here together with my boyfriend, just won’t work or translate back in England. ..

I’m scared I’ll go back to being the person I once was and forget all about this life changing experience that has shaped me into becoming a better person...

Are any of these fears rational?

Does anyone have any advice or life experiences whereby it has worked out all for the better and they ARE happy back in England now?

So sorry for the essay, but am I absolutely crazy if I leave Australia???

Thank you for reading, if you got this far. X

Helen1964

Why on earth would you even think of moving back to the UK if you dislike so much about it? You sound like you really loathe it.
Just so you can afford to buy a house?
Sorry but that’s bonkers.
Would it not make sense to try a different, cheaper part of Australia?

PomGirl2020

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate your response
..............I would move back to England for love and to be with my boyfriend.

After his parents most recent visit, it's become burned in his mind that our life in Australia is 'just like a holiday', that it's 'not real life', that 'we're behind our friends in life' and that our 'real' friends and family are all back in the UK.

He wants to buy a house and renovate it. His dad already has a deposit to give to him, as he helped his older brother buy a house and 'it's only fair to do the same'. He has all these plans which essentially revolve around England, or more importantly, Oxford. He has said he will only marry me and have children with me - or even get another dog, back in the UK. I mean I don't know if that's bribery or if that's just where he sees himself and his future.

He has the luxury of a close knit family. He has the luxury of knowing he has their support no matter what, be it emotionally or financially. He didn't move out until he was 26 yo, when he came to Australia. I on the other hand have had to pretty much fend for myself since I left home at 19 in all senses of the word.

It was holding onto the hope/faith that things would get better with my family that I probably stayed so long in the UK, but then the realisation that my family definitely do not have my back. Most noticeably when I fell ill in hospital in Australia and none of them came to my aid and have never made the trip to see me (neither mum or stepdad (both financially stable) - biological father wasn't in the picture at this stage, hence I decided to reconnect with him at the sheer lack of connection I had with my own mother).

I do still have very close bonds with my friends, many of which have made the trip to see me here in Australia and I've been home twice in 5 years and always spend time with the same friends. I know they would help me out with a place to stay if I ever needed one, or if things didn't work out with my boyfriend.

And as much as I hate certain elements of the UK, I do miss the buzz of London in particular. I miss going to the theatre, roast dinners, pubs with open fires, I miss the countryside, country walks and British parks. I miss having Europe on my doorstep, a quick trip to Amsterdam, Paris, Spain etc. I miss Camden Town with it's markets. I do love all of the usual English things, cream tea and scones, fish and chips. Lake District. Cotswolds. The fashion (ever changing, not just the same stock in Zara for half a year!). Marks and Spencer food, especially their biscuits! Most of all I miss my only sibling, my 10 year old half sister, who I absolutely adore, despite my crappy relationship with our mum.

You are right, however. In your point about moving home just to buy a property. It does seem rather silly. Especially when even if we lived rent free for an entire year, I don't think I could ever match my partners bond. I feel like maybe there would be more to do and explore, and I do see moving home as potentially a new adventure?

We both are bored here. It has become apparent. Each weekend, if we are not out drinking with friends (more likely if he is not out drinking with friends), we are just sat at opposite ends of the sofa on our phones, or walking the dog to the same dog beach, same park or just doing the mundane, food shopping, house cleaning. It's not like we have enough outside interactions, not like 'popping in for tea at his nan's', or perhaps taking my little sister to Legoland. It's not like we're making plans anymore either, as he's dead set on returning home. It's not like we can organise a big 30th birthday for me here, when my closest friends are in the UK and have just recently visited us for Christmas. He's not accepting requests to be best man either, until we know where we are going to be! It's also the age where friends are getting married and having babies, so we are missing out on life.

We both definitely feel stuck. Hence the notion that moving home will make us feel unstuck and better about our life and our future?

robin1234

Probably not a good idea to contemplate international travel, or long airline flights, until the covid-19 pandemic has settled down. This is guesswork, but maybe a year or more from now, just assuming it peaks now, settles down in the northern hemisphere summer, comes back with a second wave next winter, then maybe there are medical strategies in place ...

So, use the rest of this year to come up with a solid plan you both agree on!

spouse of scouse

My two cents worth. Your boyfriend knows what he wants and has made it very clear to you that he will not compromise. If you want to be with him, have his kids etc, then it's going to be his way or no way. I think your only decision is whether or not this is acceptable to you.

Something to remember, once you have children your ability to move to another country will be curtailed. If he won't give permission for you to take them out of the country you're living in, then you either stay or you go without your child/ren. The same, of course, applies to him. It's something we've seen time and again on BE and it's a horrible situation to be in.

Best of luck.

Pulaski

I detect an air of "the grass is greener" syndrome. Some people return to the UK and find the nirvana that they're looking for, others find that things weren't quite as good as they remember, especially if friends and family have moved on, psychologically, if not geographically. It's impossible for us, and probably even for you, to know whether you fall into the first group or the second, but I do see one significant red flag for one possible unrealistic expectation - that you're leaving Sydney for one reason that is commonly cited as a reason (here on BE) for people wanting to leave the UK, and that is the affordability of homes.

park99

Sorry to hear your are in such a tough situation. It does sound you are confused and torn.

All those negative things you listed about England are somewhat true but I am sure Sydney is no way near perfect. You admit you will never afford to buy in Sydney and your bf wants to move back to England where you would have family support, why not take this as an opportunity? Do you have a strong career in Sydney? If so are you willing to give it up just to be with your bf? If not, then again, why not take this as an opportunity to move back to England? But for the health of the relationship with your bf and his family, try to be financial independently asap when you land in England, make clear understanding what it involves when it comes to financial help from your future in-laws.

I also live in a beach town and I love the beautiful surrounding, but life is not just about beaches and sunshine.
Take some time to think and ask yourself what's the most important thing for you in next 5, 10 years? Also might be worth listing some positive things about England if you do decide to move back.

BritInParis

If you’re looking for more affordable property then be aware that Oxford is the most expensive city property-wise outside of London.

BristolUK

These are all great things about the UK and would make anyone want to move back

Are you sure you experienced all that by age 24 though? I don't want to sound mean but I wonder if that's a composite of what you want or hope to feel rather than something experienced and longed for.

scot47

I notice that you give the dog precedence over the boyfriend.

Genesis

If I were you? From what you have written? Stay in Oz. If the man does not like that...find one that does. Relationships should be about compromise. You sound well sorted in Oz. Sounds like you have a lovely life. It also sounds like you will be VERY unhappy in the U.K.

I have been away from GB for 15 years now. Spent 45 odd years there before moving to NZ and wild horse would not draw me back. Never.

Think of your situation as a couple of buckets. It is what I do. One bucket is the ‘shite bucket’ the other the ‘rosy bucket’. Make a list of pros and cons of your life in Oz ....then fill your respective buckets with this information and then simply see which one is heavier. Obviously one hopes and imagines your rosy Oz bucket will be brimming with goodness. Then repeat the exercise for what you imagine your life in the U.K. may look like.

Job done. Sorted.

Jerseygirl

so would I if he was willing to move away without...putting his feeling first.

Benson55

Why move back and hate it?
have you seen the property prices in London and you can afford them.
Sounds weird.

Mishclark

Same. Well my dog departed last year after 15 years but he was better than anyone I've met in the last few years...

All jokes aside OP think I'd stay in Oz if that's where your heart is.

My question which would make the decision for me- do you see a long term future together? I don't necessarily mean marriage as that's not always necessary, but long term goals, whether you want children or not, are you both willing to meet each other 50/50?

I've moved countries many years ago but it was a mutual decision and I'm glad I did. I've moved again on my own to where we then went , would I do it again? Not countries but for the right person areas or places? yes. But I'm big on 50/50 compromise.

It does sound pretty awesome, I enjoyed all that you have mentioned over in Uk when I was your age as a backpacker, I know what you mean about the buzz!

You'll probably have to wait a while until things settle down (I live in Nz but am stuck in Oz while things settle, am an Ozzie ) , that might give you some time to work things out. I always say trust your gut , it's always right. .

Pulaski

One detail buried in post #1 is that returning to the UK is going to tie PomGirl to her boyfriend, married or not, because they're going to end up in housing provided by her b/f's parents. .... What if it takes longer than expected to save a deposit for their own place? What happens if the relationship fails? Then PomGirl would have to find her own place .... and that might push her into tolerate a failing relationship longer than she should, or arguably worse, she could be summarily "evicted" if her b/f decides to end the relationship. Something similar nearly happened to my sister, but the house was provided by her husband's employer and she was protected because she was married, but he tried to kick her out when she had nowhere to go, no job, no relatives within 500 miles, and was in a foreign country which she had arrived in less than six months earlier.

Under these specific set of circumstances I would suggest that PomGirl first needs to work out whether this relationship is worth investing in for the long term, and if it is, make it as permanent as she can i.e. make marriage a precondition for the move, and if either she doesn't think it is worth it, or her b/f won't agree, then walk away.