jemima55

You are so right about the international issue. We are both UK cits but due to a job transfer ended up with one of us wanting to stay in the US and one wanting to go. I felt like we needed some counselling from someone who understood that this problem is part and parcel of being an expat, unique to this situation. It caused a huge amount of unnecessary heartache.

kwazywabbit

I feel for you too! Its always tough when we want two different things.
I have the same problem, in that my ex-wife wants to stay in canada with my two daughters and i want to move back to england! So for now im here until they are a bit older.

I wish you all the best.

Exile

In my experience, it can often feel much easier being the one making "the sacrifice", rather than the one feeling guilty about causing other family members to be unhappy.

If I'm honest, I seem to remember occasionally enjoying that self-righteous feeling of martyrdom as I sacrificed myself on the altar of sunshine, space, fresh air, pristine beaches, wine, big houses, swimming pools.

It enabled me to have the shallow but enviable lifestyle, plus the moral high ground.

I suspect I'm far from alone here.

(I'm not suggesting this is or would be the case for Erica, by the way. It's just a general observation based on my experience and too many years spent reading this forum).

jemima55

Exile, I love you for admitting that!
In all the hard work of getting our house ready for sale I finally decided to drop the guilt, and informed the family of that. As far as I`m concerned I am the one who "made the decision" which I actually think is brave because it would have been nine times easier just to let things stay as they were.
Moving continent is blimmin hard work though. I`m glad thats happening now and not in ten years time!
Sorry to the OP if this doesnt tie in with your original post. I think you sound very brave!

sallysimmons

Tell me about it! I am so tired I'm sleepwalking through my days and I'm terrified I'm going to forget something major. No matter what it's like back home, I am NEVER doing this again, so we are staying put!

Erica

Hi Exile, you are so right! Due to some personality quirk, I definitely find it easier to be in the role of martyr than of the leader pushing everyone to do what I want - probably because I was third of four children and tend to go with the flow. It has been hard being the one forging the way on this move back to England and trying to jolly everyone along, when my kids were having a hard time adjusting at the beginning and now that my husband is miserable here. I love it here, it is where I am from, and am happy (I will be back!) But, I think (and hope) that we will get on better when he is happy back with his old friends and all the things he likes to do there and when he can work better hours and be with the kids more - it has been very hard on our marriage. I do love the SF Bay area as well, it's not exactly a hardship to live there. It is just really hard to leave my family here; the kids and I just spent a really fun few days with my sister and her kids - they all get on really well. I think that knowing that we are going makes me appreciate it here even more, really living for the moment, probably a good lesson in life.

J.JsOH

Ditto; moving back was not easy and the hard work continued once back, in settling in, acclimatising.
While some things would be easier if we were now still living in USA and it is sometimes tempting to consider moving back to USA the thought of the whole effort to relocate is a huge deterrent to move anywhere ever again.

Erica

I know! So awfully stressful. Alot of my hair fell out about six months after the move back to the UK, doctor couldn't find anything wrong physically, I think it was the stress of it all. I would say we are just now settled and happy - 18 months on (well some of us!) and now we are going to do it all over again. However, at least we are going back to the same town, same friends and we are going to leave most of our stuff here and rent our house out as a holiday home. And we don't have to worry about the dog going that way, just a plane ride for him not all the 6 months of pet passport business. Seriously though, there should be a disorder named Post Transatlantic Move Stress Disorder.

katybluewater

Ditto ...have so much to do, but on some days it is just overwhelming.....never again!

bettyboo67

Phew Erica, I really feel for you having to do that move all over again, at least it sounds like you didn't hate where you were living before and it will feel familiar to all of you.
It's such an upheaval all this emigtating lark, no-one really tells you how difficult it can be to come back. I thought it would be simple and it really hasn't been.
We have mostly settled in now after nearly 10 months back except that OH is working in Singapore which isn't ideal but the only way we could make it work. Lots of people have been asking me when we will be moving out to join him but right now I couldn't even think about it. Its meant to be really nice out there but I just don't think I can move again and I especially don't feel this would be fair on my 11 yr old who needs friends and stability right now.
Hats off to you and I hope your hubby appreciates you and that you are able to make it back often. At least you had this time with your family and your kids really got to know them. Best of luck

MartynK

These things happen. We can't see the future, and I suspect that more people find themselves in these situations than we realise; and most of the posts on this forum are from people who are over the moon about being 'home' again.

I grew up in the UK, went to Hong Kong when I left university, and got married a couple of years later. We'd known each other when I was at college, drifted apart, got together again in Rhodesia of all places (this is part of another story); and ended up back in Hong Kong. My wife was very young, and she was homesick, so we returned to the UK but I couldn't settle down.

We moved to South Africa in 1980 and lived there for many years, but my wife eventually decided to come back to the UK in 2006 because her mother was ageing and ill. Our kids - both grown up - didn't want to move and neither did I, so we stayed. I came back to visit in 2008, and eventually decided to return in 2009 so that we could be together, but it was much the same situation we had been through all those years ago. I felt trapped in a country I have no affection for, went back to SA several times on business and personal trips, and really felt that I was going home every time.

We've now reached the point when my wife has decided that she wants to go 'home' too. She's miserable here, and her heart is breaking for Africa (it can do that to you, warts and all), but we're older now and it won't be so easy to just pick up the pieces again. Right now, I'm hoping we can get everything sorted out by autumn here, and go home before winter. I can't see me returning again.

Sarah

Could be my over active imagination, but it always seems to be the woman in the relationship that is the one to compromise. Seems that women always go wherever their husbands home country is most of the time.

MartynK

It does seem to be the case, yes, but not always. I only came back to the UK to be with my wife, but I thought that was only right because she had followed me to SA in 1980, and I don't think she ever felt pressured to do so. I don't want to live here, and it's ironic that she wants to go 'home' now, but these have never been issues and we'll do what is best for both of us. We'd be much happier in SA.

charleygirl

Oh Erica, I am sad for you, as a mum who lived torn for 15 years and now moved back to the UK and now I see how my children (they stayed in the USA,) are torn and confused. ( i did divorce). I know you have decided to give the US another chance, well bless your heart for that... I hope it works.

morayeel

reading all these posts as i am returning to the uk after nearly 25 years. Always feeling like I was never "home" in the us. Luckily my daughter has decided to move back after I am settled. If she were to change her mind I would feel so sad that I would hardly ever get to see her and her son again and torn between the 2 countries. How did it work out for you returning after 15 years if you don't mind me asking. I have my ticket booked for May 1st