calif04

Hi there,

I just discovered this forum and thought some of you might have some helpful advice.

I left the UK ten years ago for America with my husband. We're currently living in California, have three small kids and great jobs. And we love California and are very happy. I've never, in the 10 years we've been gone, ever felt homesick and, although we had no specific plans when we left the UK, I think I'd come to believe we'd always live in the USA. Until the last few weeks. I'm suddenly unbearably homesick for the very first time. Moving back would be a logistical possibility -- husband would be happy either way and our jobs could transfer with a 1-2 year lead in -- I'm just not sure what we want.

So I was wondering if anyone else had had weird, out-of-the-blue feelings of homesickness after a long time away? How did you process them? Are there any helpful resources for think about this kind of thing that you've come across? I guess I don't really know how seriously to take these feelings that maybe we should 'go home' to raise our family.

thanks.

Caruthers

Only you can know. Maybe not relevant but one obvious pull for many people is the prospect of a parent dying and not being there or to be near to hand for the remaining parent.

Mummy in the foothills

Mine started after the children were born and never went away.

quoll

I never thought I was homesick exactly just a niggling feeling of not belonging (in Aus) even though things seemed to be going well - good jobs, kids in good schools, own house etc. No matter how hard I tried to rationalize, my heart just didnt get the message that my head was sending it and now I am so glad that it didnt - this life works far better for me but each to his own - I dont really know how you ever know other than that you feel wrenched into two when you do visit and have to leave. Good luck with your decision!

Scrapcat

Mine sort of grew on me over a few months, finally realised that I'd just been repressing it and once I finally realised that there was no point in denying it any longer. It was about finally being honest with myself. Good luck!

Sally Redux

It was different for me because I never felt I fitted in. If things are otherwise going so well for you, it seems a little hasty perhaps.

jocksternhcle

Hi Calif04

I can perhaps give a perspective from your side. My wife and I lived in England for three years and had a great time with top jobs and made wonderful friends with whom we have kept in touch. We came home when kids were on the agenda and now have four. We feel now that we have left parts of our heart in England but also know a big part is here in Australia. We are now coming back to England with the kids a bit older but fully understand that we will miss Australia when we are there. Today's roving lifestyles bring a lot of sizzle but their fair share of complexity and heartache as well.
The only problem with Australia is that it is so far from everywhere (New Zealand and Fiji respectfully excepted of course). I don't think we would feel the same if we lived in the US as, Europe, Asia etc are all 10-12 hours away. When we travel to Europe I always feel like I am in the centre of things - mind you that can have drawbacks like when I see the middle east bubbling over.

Best of luck with your deliberations.

vetnurse1

Well put. I used to think people who stayed in one place all their life must be mad, now I would give so much to feel that settled!

Barrybriggs

My itch is more than 10 years old, but I know I am yearning for the past, but, as they say, one cannot turn the clock back. I realize the country I left behind is no longer the same. I do pop back from time to time, which gives me some comfort. But, with all the changes that have taken place since I left, I am sure I would find it difficult to resettle. Of course, money is a big issue. You need quite a bit when moving back. Life ain't easy.

Zen10

I have a similar experience. We moved to Australia many years ago and I never felt homesick, but recently it has started, although there are reasons for this - like starting our family here. How did I process it? I'm still working on that.... but being 36 hours, $10,000 and 16,000 kms from home is not easy.

NiHao

calif04,

Have you been able to identify specific things, places, people, aspects of daily life that you are suddenly missing or is it more general? Is it that you are missing things/people about the UK or is it that you are feeling tired of not quite fitting in here?

Are your children in school yet? That was a big moment for me when our eldest started school I had really strong feelings of wanting her to be in the British school system and to have experiences I had. If we could have gone then we would have. It may be that as your children are getting older you are starting to have that now or never realization, once children are in middle and High school it becomes a much more difficult move to make.

I think what I'm trying to ask is have you been able to pinpoint what is the source of the homesickness, did something in particular trigger it or is it just that after 10 years you've enjoyed it but are now ready to return "home"?

Are you able to make a visit back to the UK? I think its always very telling how you feel when you are actually there and what your emotions are like when its time to fly home. I trip would probably give you greater clarity.

calif04

Thanks for the great replies. It's just so helpful to know others have been through similar things....it's very hard to explain this stuff to non-expats. We love it here. We feel like we're missing out on lots of stuff 'back home'. It's very hard to work out where the balance lies.

I had a long talk with my husband last night about it which was somewhat clarifiying. We were able to identify a couple of potential 'triggers' mostly to do with the kids.

The first, house prices. We live in one of the most beautiful and one of the most mind-blowingly expensive places in the US. Up until now we've been content to rent a modest place there, but now we want to buy to give the kids some school district stability. Trouble is, starter homes (read run-down 2 bed bungalows) start at $1.4m and have up to 30 or so all cash bids once they go on the market. It's madness. We might just about be able to scramble the money together for something small in a less nice neighbourhood but our heads got turned when we spoke to some UK agents specializing in the area we'd move back to and they were able to show us how much more we'd be able to get for our money there. So it's a tough one re lifestyle choice. Here it's sunny all the time and we're near the beach and skiing, but we'd have to squash our five person family into a tiny house. At home we could have more space and live in some nice countryside but we'd be giving up the sunny outdoors which we really do enjoy.

The second is schools. Love the preschools here, generally very un-impressed with the elementary and middle schools, even the private ones. There's a real culture of 'unschooling' here that I don't much care for when it comes to older kids and which wouldn't suit my rather serious, bookish children. We think they'd do better in the English school system. And it sounds silly, but I do want them to have some of the experiences we did, play the same sport, do the same exams etc. And then if they wanted to do uni in the US we could help them do that.

The third is friends. We go back fairly regularly and i'm under no illusions that all would be the same. We've lost contact with many old friends and I'm ok with that as I don't think we'd have much in common with them any more. We have both however kept very close contact with a core group of friends who all socialize together and who we would live nearby. We go back for their weddings and milestones. They're our kids godparents etc. So I think we'd like to be back there so our kids could grow up together. On the flip side, we have some really lovely close friends in Calif too. BUT the nature of the area we live in is to be a little transitory. People constantly come and go. And many of our closest friends here are English people on secondment for a few years who will eventually move back to England too. Family is less of a draw. We're not close and one of the challenges of moving back would be establishing boundaries with them.

So I think we're going to start investigating jobs, houses and schools in the UK and see what turns up. I also think we're going to try and do a multi-week trip to explore the possibility soon too. And then just sit with it all and see how we feel....