The A-Z Of Christmas Party No-No's!
Dec 21st 2005, 4:22 am
#1
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Thread Starter
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 6,596
The A-Z Of Christmas Party No-No's!
ACTION PLAN
If you’re hoping to finish the night in the arms of He Who Must Be Snogged, do not deviate from your plan. If he’s not keen, accept defeat graciously, don’t try to prove a point by ending up in bed with a sad substitute you can’t stand just to teach him a lesson. That tactic is unlikely to be as effective as you might think after ten vodka cranberries. If he cops off with someone else, see Jealousy and ...
BLUBBING
So He Who Must Be Snogged copped off with Her From Goods Inwards. You parted company with the right heel of your fake Manolos after attempting the Macarena and the only chance of a snog is from the bloke who fixes your computer (see I.T.) who has been dribbling lager on you for the last two hours. Whatever — DON’T CRY. It will play havoc with your mascara, blokes will never take you seriously and you’ll water down your vodka and cranberry.
CAMERAS
The camera phone is a wonderful invention. Hardly any moment goes unrecorded for posterity. And there’s the rub. No flashing your bits and no sending your other half snaps of your great night out — or your great night out could be circulated round the world before your great night’s out.
DIRTY DANCING
Be endlessly aware that Rodney from two desks down is not and never will be Patrick Swayze. Trying to recreate THAT scene from Dirty Dancing is more likely to leave you looking like Aunt Mavis’s dog with the embarrassing leg obsession than Jennifer Grey.
EXIT STRATEGY
If you are wearing someone else’s Secret Santa novelty nipple tassels and are under the mistaken impression you can suddenly remember all the words to the Crazy Frog Christmas song — or even worse, you decide you like it — then it is time to leave. Quietly collect your shoes from where you threw them during YMCA, call a cab and leave WITHOUT French kissing everybody goodbye.
FALSE FRIENDS
Beware false friends wearing fake tan. If Becky the Bitch wanted your job this morning, rest assured she still wants it while she’s dragging you on to the dancefloor and telling you how hilarious it would be if you flashed your boobs at the boss.
Do not be fooled.
GROPER
He used to be known as Mr Mistletoe but even he realises that trick went out with Bart Simpson ties. Think Chico in a suit with the chat-up line: “Goo-on-then-girrus-a-kiss-u- no-u-wanoo.” He sees groping your left breast as his reward for a year of fetching you coffees. Unattach his greasy mitts, administer a swift elbow to his ribs and smile gracefully.
HANGOVER
If your eyes are glued together with mascara and you feel like someone has come along in the night and sucked all the moisture out of your body, rest assured you had a good time. Have a fry-up and a couple of painkillers and prepare to spend the day gossiping about who left their knickers in the post room.
I.T.
Avoid anyone from the “blind you with science” department. They are unavailable for the rest of the year when you want them, so why should they expect your undivided attention now?
JEALOUSY
The fact that she stole He Who Must Be Snogged right from under your nose, even though you were going to marry him and have his children as soon as he realised you exist, is indeed unforgivable. But throwing your drink at her is a waste of perfectly good alcohol.
KEEP UP APPEARANCES
Even if you wake up to discover you’ve contracted a rare tropical disease and are covered from head to toe in green and purple boils, you must make it to work. It's not important your head feels like Chelsea's match ball after 90 minutes and extra time. No excuse, no matter how good it is, will wash the morning after the office party. Arrive on time, drink plenty of water and then press your head against the tiles in the loo.
LOO-SE TALK
The loo is the perfect location for a spot of gossip. But unless you want the entire office to know it was you who started the rumour Sheila was pregnant, when she’d just put on a bit of weight, make sure you check who is in the cubicles before you start confiding. One ill-timed comment could leave you badly flushed.
MOBILE
It may suddenly become clear to you that, despite the fact he slept with your best friend and paid for their hotel room on your credit card, your ex-boyfriend is the only man for you — but now is definitely not the time to tell him. If you still feel the same way in the morning make an appointment to see a counsellor. But whatever you do — DO NOT DRINK AND DIAL.
NEVER DANCE LAST
Leading the way at the beginning of the evening as the wallflowers do anything but dance is to be applauded. However, swaying from side to side solo as the DJ plays a medley of Cliff’s Christmas hits at the end of the night is plain sad. Instead, make sure you are leading the charge to the late-opening bar down the road. And never talk to the boss after nine.
OFF LIMITS
Avoid snogging the boss, any of his or her relatives and anyone wearing a wedding ring. If you think you might forget the rules after a few drinks write the list on the palm of your hand and check it BEFORE you move in for the kill.
PINTS OF WATER
Make sure you alternate these with your alcoholic drinks so you can avoid being thrown out of the party for being sick all over the boss. See also Vomit.
QUICKIE
If you do decide to cop off with a co-worker, don’t get get caught in the act. Unless you want to follow Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson into the world of amateur porn, make sure your liason is carried out far away from any CCTV cameras. And keep it safe.
RUMOURS
No matter what happened last night, enter the office with your head held high. As we all know, anyone who’s never made a fool of themselves at the office party is clearly boring and even if they’re gossiping about you now, you can always console yourself that it will be someone else’s turn soon enough.
SPANX
These modern day chastity belts are perfect for squeezing yourself into that LBD and for slowing down any inappropriate passion. Nothing is so well designed for giving you time to consider just how bad it would be to get it on with your colleague while your boyfriend patiently waits for you at home.
TAXIIIIIIIII!
Book a cab for a decent hour to rescue you before you’ve made a complete wassock of yourself. Remember to make sure your knight in shining Datsun Cherry is licensed. Remember to remember he’s there. Remember not to throw up on his back seat no matter how strong the pine air freshener. Remember your address. Remember your bag/mobile/purse and most importantly remember your HOUSEKEYS when you get out of the car. Remember to remember all this.
And:
TONGUE
Be careful where you stick it.
UGLY STICK
Be aware of the amazing power of beer goggles. Even those bashed about the head relentlessly with the ugly stick are likely to look like Brad Pitt after a vanload of vodka and cranberry. Now is not the night to trust your basic instincts or your failing eyesight. Always get a second opinion from a trusted friend.
VOMIT
Here’s what you should do: Line your stomach with food and drink plenty of water in the afternoon. Take a charcoal pill to absorb the alcohol. Alternate glasses of water with alcoholic drinks throughout the evening and eat something to keep your blood sugar levels up. Don’t mix drinks. Here’s what you will do: Not eat for three days before the do in a desperate effort to lose weight, have one glass of water then get bored. Drink Bacardi Breezers until the tequila slammers are lined up on the bar, then move on to Slippery Nipples. Get a kebab from Sal Monella’s on the High Street then throw up on the pavement outside your flat. Not ideal but better than your boss’s lap or the middle of the dancefloor.
WONDERBRA
Every self-respecting party girl should be proud to flaunt it. And if you ain’t got it, get a push-up bra. Only don’t be surprised if he’s disappointed when those mountains become molehills later on in the proceedings.
X-RATED
If you want to stay out of the office gossip columns, try to avoid the completely scandalous. Anything that involves photocopiers and sex aids is probably a no-no. Even after 27 white wine spritzers the urge to re-enact Babecast XXXX with your best mate should be resisted — even if it’s He Who Must Be Snogged who is doing the urging.
YOUNG MAAAAAAN!
Just before midnight snogging the work experience lad seems an irresistible guilty pleasure. In this light he looks more Heath Ledger than ledger clerk. You can hardly spot his acne and the bum fluff on his top lip is kinda tickly. RESIST THE TEMPTATION. Never pull anyone with thinner legs than yours or who could brag to his mates about being with an “older woman”.
ZZZZZZZZZZ
Do stay awake. Emerging from a pile of coats with one eyebrow shaved and “KISS ME” scrawled in eyeliner across your forehead is NOT cool.
If you’re hoping to finish the night in the arms of He Who Must Be Snogged, do not deviate from your plan. If he’s not keen, accept defeat graciously, don’t try to prove a point by ending up in bed with a sad substitute you can’t stand just to teach him a lesson. That tactic is unlikely to be as effective as you might think after ten vodka cranberries. If he cops off with someone else, see Jealousy and ...
BLUBBING
So He Who Must Be Snogged copped off with Her From Goods Inwards. You parted company with the right heel of your fake Manolos after attempting the Macarena and the only chance of a snog is from the bloke who fixes your computer (see I.T.) who has been dribbling lager on you for the last two hours. Whatever — DON’T CRY. It will play havoc with your mascara, blokes will never take you seriously and you’ll water down your vodka and cranberry.
CAMERAS
The camera phone is a wonderful invention. Hardly any moment goes unrecorded for posterity. And there’s the rub. No flashing your bits and no sending your other half snaps of your great night out — or your great night out could be circulated round the world before your great night’s out.
DIRTY DANCING
Be endlessly aware that Rodney from two desks down is not and never will be Patrick Swayze. Trying to recreate THAT scene from Dirty Dancing is more likely to leave you looking like Aunt Mavis’s dog with the embarrassing leg obsession than Jennifer Grey.
EXIT STRATEGY
If you are wearing someone else’s Secret Santa novelty nipple tassels and are under the mistaken impression you can suddenly remember all the words to the Crazy Frog Christmas song — or even worse, you decide you like it — then it is time to leave. Quietly collect your shoes from where you threw them during YMCA, call a cab and leave WITHOUT French kissing everybody goodbye.
FALSE FRIENDS
Beware false friends wearing fake tan. If Becky the Bitch wanted your job this morning, rest assured she still wants it while she’s dragging you on to the dancefloor and telling you how hilarious it would be if you flashed your boobs at the boss.
Do not be fooled.
GROPER
He used to be known as Mr Mistletoe but even he realises that trick went out with Bart Simpson ties. Think Chico in a suit with the chat-up line: “Goo-on-then-girrus-a-kiss-u- no-u-wanoo.” He sees groping your left breast as his reward for a year of fetching you coffees. Unattach his greasy mitts, administer a swift elbow to his ribs and smile gracefully.
HANGOVER
If your eyes are glued together with mascara and you feel like someone has come along in the night and sucked all the moisture out of your body, rest assured you had a good time. Have a fry-up and a couple of painkillers and prepare to spend the day gossiping about who left their knickers in the post room.
I.T.
Avoid anyone from the “blind you with science” department. They are unavailable for the rest of the year when you want them, so why should they expect your undivided attention now?
JEALOUSY
The fact that she stole He Who Must Be Snogged right from under your nose, even though you were going to marry him and have his children as soon as he realised you exist, is indeed unforgivable. But throwing your drink at her is a waste of perfectly good alcohol.
KEEP UP APPEARANCES
Even if you wake up to discover you’ve contracted a rare tropical disease and are covered from head to toe in green and purple boils, you must make it to work. It's not important your head feels like Chelsea's match ball after 90 minutes and extra time. No excuse, no matter how good it is, will wash the morning after the office party. Arrive on time, drink plenty of water and then press your head against the tiles in the loo.
LOO-SE TALK
The loo is the perfect location for a spot of gossip. But unless you want the entire office to know it was you who started the rumour Sheila was pregnant, when she’d just put on a bit of weight, make sure you check who is in the cubicles before you start confiding. One ill-timed comment could leave you badly flushed.
MOBILE
It may suddenly become clear to you that, despite the fact he slept with your best friend and paid for their hotel room on your credit card, your ex-boyfriend is the only man for you — but now is definitely not the time to tell him. If you still feel the same way in the morning make an appointment to see a counsellor. But whatever you do — DO NOT DRINK AND DIAL.
NEVER DANCE LAST
Leading the way at the beginning of the evening as the wallflowers do anything but dance is to be applauded. However, swaying from side to side solo as the DJ plays a medley of Cliff’s Christmas hits at the end of the night is plain sad. Instead, make sure you are leading the charge to the late-opening bar down the road. And never talk to the boss after nine.
OFF LIMITS
Avoid snogging the boss, any of his or her relatives and anyone wearing a wedding ring. If you think you might forget the rules after a few drinks write the list on the palm of your hand and check it BEFORE you move in for the kill.
PINTS OF WATER
Make sure you alternate these with your alcoholic drinks so you can avoid being thrown out of the party for being sick all over the boss. See also Vomit.
QUICKIE
If you do decide to cop off with a co-worker, don’t get get caught in the act. Unless you want to follow Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson into the world of amateur porn, make sure your liason is carried out far away from any CCTV cameras. And keep it safe.
RUMOURS
No matter what happened last night, enter the office with your head held high. As we all know, anyone who’s never made a fool of themselves at the office party is clearly boring and even if they’re gossiping about you now, you can always console yourself that it will be someone else’s turn soon enough.
SPANX
These modern day chastity belts are perfect for squeezing yourself into that LBD and for slowing down any inappropriate passion. Nothing is so well designed for giving you time to consider just how bad it would be to get it on with your colleague while your boyfriend patiently waits for you at home.
TAXIIIIIIIII!
Book a cab for a decent hour to rescue you before you’ve made a complete wassock of yourself. Remember to make sure your knight in shining Datsun Cherry is licensed. Remember to remember he’s there. Remember not to throw up on his back seat no matter how strong the pine air freshener. Remember your address. Remember your bag/mobile/purse and most importantly remember your HOUSEKEYS when you get out of the car. Remember to remember all this.
And:
TONGUE
Be careful where you stick it.
UGLY STICK
Be aware of the amazing power of beer goggles. Even those bashed about the head relentlessly with the ugly stick are likely to look like Brad Pitt after a vanload of vodka and cranberry. Now is not the night to trust your basic instincts or your failing eyesight. Always get a second opinion from a trusted friend.
VOMIT
Here’s what you should do: Line your stomach with food and drink plenty of water in the afternoon. Take a charcoal pill to absorb the alcohol. Alternate glasses of water with alcoholic drinks throughout the evening and eat something to keep your blood sugar levels up. Don’t mix drinks. Here’s what you will do: Not eat for three days before the do in a desperate effort to lose weight, have one glass of water then get bored. Drink Bacardi Breezers until the tequila slammers are lined up on the bar, then move on to Slippery Nipples. Get a kebab from Sal Monella’s on the High Street then throw up on the pavement outside your flat. Not ideal but better than your boss’s lap or the middle of the dancefloor.
WONDERBRA
Every self-respecting party girl should be proud to flaunt it. And if you ain’t got it, get a push-up bra. Only don’t be surprised if he’s disappointed when those mountains become molehills later on in the proceedings.
X-RATED
If you want to stay out of the office gossip columns, try to avoid the completely scandalous. Anything that involves photocopiers and sex aids is probably a no-no. Even after 27 white wine spritzers the urge to re-enact Babecast XXXX with your best mate should be resisted — even if it’s He Who Must Be Snogged who is doing the urging.
YOUNG MAAAAAAN!
Just before midnight snogging the work experience lad seems an irresistible guilty pleasure. In this light he looks more Heath Ledger than ledger clerk. You can hardly spot his acne and the bum fluff on his top lip is kinda tickly. RESIST THE TEMPTATION. Never pull anyone with thinner legs than yours or who could brag to his mates about being with an “older woman”.
ZZZZZZZZZZ
Do stay awake. Emerging from a pile of coats with one eyebrow shaved and “KISS ME” scrawled in eyeliner across your forehead is NOT cool.
Dec 21st 2005, 4:42 am
#2
Melts in your Mouth
Joined: Dec 2004
Location: Doha, Qatar
Posts: 2,258
Re: The A-Z Of Christmas Party No-No's!
Hmmmmm didnt I see this somewhere else 
Originally Posted by MJC
ACTION PLAN
If you’re hoping to finish the night in the arms of He Who Must Be Snogged, do not deviate from your plan. If he’s not keen, accept defeat graciously, don’t try to prove a point by ending up in bed with a sad substitute you can’t stand just to teach him a lesson. That tactic is unlikely to be as effective as you might think after ten vodka cranberries. If he cops off with someone else, see Jealousy and ...
BLUBBING
So He Who Must Be Snogged copped off with Her From Goods Inwards. You parted company with the right heel of your fake Manolos after attempting the Macarena and the only chance of a snog is from the bloke who fixes your computer (see I.T.) who has been dribbling lager on you for the last two hours. Whatever — DON’T CRY. It will play havoc with your mascara, blokes will never take you seriously and you’ll water down your vodka and cranberry.
CAMERAS
The camera phone is a wonderful invention. Hardly any moment goes unrecorded for posterity. And there’s the rub. No flashing your bits and no sending your other half snaps of your great night out — or your great night out could be circulated round the world before your great night’s out.
DIRTY DANCING
Be endlessly aware that Rodney from two desks down is not and never will be Patrick Swayze. Trying to recreate THAT scene from Dirty Dancing is more likely to leave you looking like Aunt Mavis’s dog with the embarrassing leg obsession than Jennifer Grey.
EXIT STRATEGY
If you are wearing someone else’s Secret Santa novelty nipple tassels and are under the mistaken impression you can suddenly remember all the words to the Crazy Frog Christmas song — or even worse, you decide you like it — then it is time to leave. Quietly collect your shoes from where you threw them during YMCA, call a cab and leave WITHOUT French kissing everybody goodbye.
FALSE FRIENDS
Beware false friends wearing fake tan. If Becky the Bitch wanted your job this morning, rest assured she still wants it while she’s dragging you on to the dancefloor and telling you how hilarious it would be if you flashed your boobs at the boss.
Do not be fooled.
GROPER
He used to be known as Mr Mistletoe but even he realises that trick went out with Bart Simpson ties. Think Chico in a suit with the chat-up line: “Goo-on-then-girrus-a-kiss-u- no-u-wanoo.” He sees groping your left breast as his reward for a year of fetching you coffees. Unattach his greasy mitts, administer a swift elbow to his ribs and smile gracefully.
HANGOVER
If your eyes are glued together with mascara and you feel like someone has come along in the night and sucked all the moisture out of your body, rest assured you had a good time. Have a fry-up and a couple of painkillers and prepare to spend the day gossiping about who left their knickers in the post room.
I.T.
Avoid anyone from the “blind you with science” department. They are unavailable for the rest of the year when you want them, so why should they expect your undivided attention now?
JEALOUSY
The fact that she stole He Who Must Be Snogged right from under your nose, even though you were going to marry him and have his children as soon as he realised you exist, is indeed unforgivable. But throwing your drink at her is a waste of perfectly good alcohol.
KEEP UP APPEARANCES
Even if you wake up to discover you’ve contracted a rare tropical disease and are covered from head to toe in green and purple boils, you must make it to work. It's not important your head feels like Chelsea's match ball after 90 minutes and extra time. No excuse, no matter how good it is, will wash the morning after the office party. Arrive on time, drink plenty of water and then press your head against the tiles in the loo.
LOO-SE TALK
The loo is the perfect location for a spot of gossip. But unless you want the entire office to know it was you who started the rumour Sheila was pregnant, when she’d just put on a bit of weight, make sure you check who is in the cubicles before you start confiding. One ill-timed comment could leave you badly flushed.
MOBILE
It may suddenly become clear to you that, despite the fact he slept with your best friend and paid for their hotel room on your credit card, your ex-boyfriend is the only man for you — but now is definitely not the time to tell him. If you still feel the same way in the morning make an appointment to see a counsellor. But whatever you do — DO NOT DRINK AND DIAL.
NEVER DANCE LAST
Leading the way at the beginning of the evening as the wallflowers do anything but dance is to be applauded. However, swaying from side to side solo as the DJ plays a medley of Cliff’s Christmas hits at the end of the night is plain sad. Instead, make sure you are leading the charge to the late-opening bar down the road. And never talk to the boss after nine.
OFF LIMITS
Avoid snogging the boss, any of his or her relatives and anyone wearing a wedding ring. If you think you might forget the rules after a few drinks write the list on the palm of your hand and check it BEFORE you move in for the kill.
PINTS OF WATER
Make sure you alternate these with your alcoholic drinks so you can avoid being thrown out of the party for being sick all over the boss. See also Vomit.
QUICKIE
If you do decide to cop off with a co-worker, don’t get get caught in the act. Unless you want to follow Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson into the world of amateur porn, make sure your liason is carried out far away from any CCTV cameras. And keep it safe.
RUMOURS
No matter what happened last night, enter the office with your head held high. As we all know, anyone who’s never made a fool of themselves at the office party is clearly boring and even if they’re gossiping about you now, you can always console yourself that it will be someone else’s turn soon enough.
SPANX
These modern day chastity belts are perfect for squeezing yourself into that LBD and for slowing down any inappropriate passion. Nothing is so well designed for giving you time to consider just how bad it would be to get it on with your colleague while your boyfriend patiently waits for you at home.
TAXIIIIIIIII!
Book a cab for a decent hour to rescue you before you’ve made a complete wassock of yourself. Remember to make sure your knight in shining Datsun Cherry is licensed. Remember to remember he’s there. Remember not to throw up on his back seat no matter how strong the pine air freshener. Remember your address. Remember your bag/mobile/purse and most importantly remember your HOUSEKEYS when you get out of the car. Remember to remember all this.
And:
TONGUE
Be careful where you stick it.
UGLY STICK
Be aware of the amazing power of beer goggles. Even those bashed about the head relentlessly with the ugly stick are likely to look like Brad Pitt after a vanload of vodka and cranberry. Now is not the night to trust your basic instincts or your failing eyesight. Always get a second opinion from a trusted friend.
VOMIT
Here’s what you should do: Line your stomach with food and drink plenty of water in the afternoon. Take a charcoal pill to absorb the alcohol. Alternate glasses of water with alcoholic drinks throughout the evening and eat something to keep your blood sugar levels up. Don’t mix drinks. Here’s what you will do: Not eat for three days before the do in a desperate effort to lose weight, have one glass of water then get bored. Drink Bacardi Breezers until the tequila slammers are lined up on the bar, then move on to Slippery Nipples. Get a kebab from Sal Monella’s on the High Street then throw up on the pavement outside your flat. Not ideal but better than your boss’s lap or the middle of the dancefloor.
WONDERBRA
Every self-respecting party girl should be proud to flaunt it. And if you ain’t got it, get a push-up bra. Only don’t be surprised if he’s disappointed when those mountains become molehills later on in the proceedings.
X-RATED
If you want to stay out of the office gossip columns, try to avoid the completely scandalous. Anything that involves photocopiers and sex aids is probably a no-no. Even after 27 white wine spritzers the urge to re-enact Babecast XXXX with your best mate should be resisted — even if it’s He Who Must Be Snogged who is doing the urging.
YOUNG MAAAAAAN!
Just before midnight snogging the work experience lad seems an irresistible guilty pleasure. In this light he looks more Heath Ledger than ledger clerk. You can hardly spot his acne and the bum fluff on his top lip is kinda tickly. RESIST THE TEMPTATION. Never pull anyone with thinner legs than yours or who could brag to his mates about being with an “older woman”.
ZZZZZZZZZZ
Do stay awake. Emerging from a pile of coats with one eyebrow shaved and “KISS ME” scrawled in eyeliner across your forehead is NOT cool.
If you’re hoping to finish the night in the arms of He Who Must Be Snogged, do not deviate from your plan. If he’s not keen, accept defeat graciously, don’t try to prove a point by ending up in bed with a sad substitute you can’t stand just to teach him a lesson. That tactic is unlikely to be as effective as you might think after ten vodka cranberries. If he cops off with someone else, see Jealousy and ...
BLUBBING
So He Who Must Be Snogged copped off with Her From Goods Inwards. You parted company with the right heel of your fake Manolos after attempting the Macarena and the only chance of a snog is from the bloke who fixes your computer (see I.T.) who has been dribbling lager on you for the last two hours. Whatever — DON’T CRY. It will play havoc with your mascara, blokes will never take you seriously and you’ll water down your vodka and cranberry.
CAMERAS
The camera phone is a wonderful invention. Hardly any moment goes unrecorded for posterity. And there’s the rub. No flashing your bits and no sending your other half snaps of your great night out — or your great night out could be circulated round the world before your great night’s out.
DIRTY DANCING
Be endlessly aware that Rodney from two desks down is not and never will be Patrick Swayze. Trying to recreate THAT scene from Dirty Dancing is more likely to leave you looking like Aunt Mavis’s dog with the embarrassing leg obsession than Jennifer Grey.
EXIT STRATEGY
If you are wearing someone else’s Secret Santa novelty nipple tassels and are under the mistaken impression you can suddenly remember all the words to the Crazy Frog Christmas song — or even worse, you decide you like it — then it is time to leave. Quietly collect your shoes from where you threw them during YMCA, call a cab and leave WITHOUT French kissing everybody goodbye.
FALSE FRIENDS
Beware false friends wearing fake tan. If Becky the Bitch wanted your job this morning, rest assured she still wants it while she’s dragging you on to the dancefloor and telling you how hilarious it would be if you flashed your boobs at the boss.
Do not be fooled.
GROPER
He used to be known as Mr Mistletoe but even he realises that trick went out with Bart Simpson ties. Think Chico in a suit with the chat-up line: “Goo-on-then-girrus-a-kiss-u- no-u-wanoo.” He sees groping your left breast as his reward for a year of fetching you coffees. Unattach his greasy mitts, administer a swift elbow to his ribs and smile gracefully.
HANGOVER
If your eyes are glued together with mascara and you feel like someone has come along in the night and sucked all the moisture out of your body, rest assured you had a good time. Have a fry-up and a couple of painkillers and prepare to spend the day gossiping about who left their knickers in the post room.
I.T.
Avoid anyone from the “blind you with science” department. They are unavailable for the rest of the year when you want them, so why should they expect your undivided attention now?
JEALOUSY
The fact that she stole He Who Must Be Snogged right from under your nose, even though you were going to marry him and have his children as soon as he realised you exist, is indeed unforgivable. But throwing your drink at her is a waste of perfectly good alcohol.
KEEP UP APPEARANCES
Even if you wake up to discover you’ve contracted a rare tropical disease and are covered from head to toe in green and purple boils, you must make it to work. It's not important your head feels like Chelsea's match ball after 90 minutes and extra time. No excuse, no matter how good it is, will wash the morning after the office party. Arrive on time, drink plenty of water and then press your head against the tiles in the loo.
LOO-SE TALK
The loo is the perfect location for a spot of gossip. But unless you want the entire office to know it was you who started the rumour Sheila was pregnant, when she’d just put on a bit of weight, make sure you check who is in the cubicles before you start confiding. One ill-timed comment could leave you badly flushed.
MOBILE
It may suddenly become clear to you that, despite the fact he slept with your best friend and paid for their hotel room on your credit card, your ex-boyfriend is the only man for you — but now is definitely not the time to tell him. If you still feel the same way in the morning make an appointment to see a counsellor. But whatever you do — DO NOT DRINK AND DIAL.
NEVER DANCE LAST
Leading the way at the beginning of the evening as the wallflowers do anything but dance is to be applauded. However, swaying from side to side solo as the DJ plays a medley of Cliff’s Christmas hits at the end of the night is plain sad. Instead, make sure you are leading the charge to the late-opening bar down the road. And never talk to the boss after nine.
OFF LIMITS
Avoid snogging the boss, any of his or her relatives and anyone wearing a wedding ring. If you think you might forget the rules after a few drinks write the list on the palm of your hand and check it BEFORE you move in for the kill.
PINTS OF WATER
Make sure you alternate these with your alcoholic drinks so you can avoid being thrown out of the party for being sick all over the boss. See also Vomit.
QUICKIE
If you do decide to cop off with a co-worker, don’t get get caught in the act. Unless you want to follow Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson into the world of amateur porn, make sure your liason is carried out far away from any CCTV cameras. And keep it safe.
RUMOURS
No matter what happened last night, enter the office with your head held high. As we all know, anyone who’s never made a fool of themselves at the office party is clearly boring and even if they’re gossiping about you now, you can always console yourself that it will be someone else’s turn soon enough.
SPANX
These modern day chastity belts are perfect for squeezing yourself into that LBD and for slowing down any inappropriate passion. Nothing is so well designed for giving you time to consider just how bad it would be to get it on with your colleague while your boyfriend patiently waits for you at home.
TAXIIIIIIIII!
Book a cab for a decent hour to rescue you before you’ve made a complete wassock of yourself. Remember to make sure your knight in shining Datsun Cherry is licensed. Remember to remember he’s there. Remember not to throw up on his back seat no matter how strong the pine air freshener. Remember your address. Remember your bag/mobile/purse and most importantly remember your HOUSEKEYS when you get out of the car. Remember to remember all this.
And:
TONGUE
Be careful where you stick it.
UGLY STICK
Be aware of the amazing power of beer goggles. Even those bashed about the head relentlessly with the ugly stick are likely to look like Brad Pitt after a vanload of vodka and cranberry. Now is not the night to trust your basic instincts or your failing eyesight. Always get a second opinion from a trusted friend.
VOMIT
Here’s what you should do: Line your stomach with food and drink plenty of water in the afternoon. Take a charcoal pill to absorb the alcohol. Alternate glasses of water with alcoholic drinks throughout the evening and eat something to keep your blood sugar levels up. Don’t mix drinks. Here’s what you will do: Not eat for three days before the do in a desperate effort to lose weight, have one glass of water then get bored. Drink Bacardi Breezers until the tequila slammers are lined up on the bar, then move on to Slippery Nipples. Get a kebab from Sal Monella’s on the High Street then throw up on the pavement outside your flat. Not ideal but better than your boss’s lap or the middle of the dancefloor.
WONDERBRA
Every self-respecting party girl should be proud to flaunt it. And if you ain’t got it, get a push-up bra. Only don’t be surprised if he’s disappointed when those mountains become molehills later on in the proceedings.
X-RATED
If you want to stay out of the office gossip columns, try to avoid the completely scandalous. Anything that involves photocopiers and sex aids is probably a no-no. Even after 27 white wine spritzers the urge to re-enact Babecast XXXX with your best mate should be resisted — even if it’s He Who Must Be Snogged who is doing the urging.
YOUNG MAAAAAAN!
Just before midnight snogging the work experience lad seems an irresistible guilty pleasure. In this light he looks more Heath Ledger than ledger clerk. You can hardly spot his acne and the bum fluff on his top lip is kinda tickly. RESIST THE TEMPTATION. Never pull anyone with thinner legs than yours or who could brag to his mates about being with an “older woman”.
ZZZZZZZZZZ
Do stay awake. Emerging from a pile of coats with one eyebrow shaved and “KISS ME” scrawled in eyeliner across your forehead is NOT cool.
Dec 21st 2005, 6:01 am
#3
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Thread Starter
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 6,596
Re: The A-Z Of Christmas Party No-No's!
Probably because I posted both Chocball!!
Originally Posted by Malteser
Hmmmmm didnt I see this somewhere else
Dec 21st 2005, 6:03 am
#4
Melts in your Mouth
Joined: Dec 2004
Location: Doha, Qatar
Posts: 2,258
Re: The A-Z Of Christmas Party No-No's!
Originally Posted by MJC
Probably because I posted both Chocball!!
Hehe.....................
Dec 21st 2005, 6:21 am
#5
Its all good
Joined: Oct 2004
Location: Dubai
Posts: 7,650
Re: The A-Z Of Christmas Party No-No's!
Originally Posted by MJC
Probably because I posted both Chocball!!
Hmmmmmmmmmm
Dec 21st 2005, 12:01 pm
#6
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 10,461
Re: The A-Z Of Christmas Party No-No's!
Originally Posted by Malteser
Hehe.....................
