arbroath_abroad

If Tommy Cooper were alive today......

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign
it is."


I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They
gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase
and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the
packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.


I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember
his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't
put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of
voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."


I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin
opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very
thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you
having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a
skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says
"Audi!"


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the
bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told
me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced
on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.



I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
"Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how
to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow
Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Candy floss

Awesome

littlejimmy

So...

I took my dog to the vets today. He picked the dog up, had one look at him, and said, "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to put him down."
"WHY?" said I.
"Because he's too heavy", said the vet.

Candy floss

You guys!!!