Just for TA5
Jan 16th 2007, 9:04 am
#1
**** it we'll do it live
Thread Starter
Joined: Oct 2004
Location: Dubai
Posts: 7,892
Just for TA5
posted before but I still love it, so just for you TA5 here it is again.
And remember its a joke !!!
To The Citizens Of The
United States Of America
By John Cleese
6-18-5
In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra'e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies.We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14 You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular.
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
John Cleese
And remember its a joke !!!
To The Citizens Of The
United States Of America
By John Cleese
6-18-5
In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminum". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra'e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies.We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14 You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular.
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
John Cleese
Last edited by shiva; Jan 16th 2007 at 9:04 am. Reason: typo
Jan 16th 2007, 9:16 am
#2
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 6,596
Re: Just for TA5
You forgot this on mate....
Are you American?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
(c)Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faithhealer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head,whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.
5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c)A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c)Take him to an supermarket and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Harry Enfield or the Fast Show
(c)A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.
9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
(c)Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation,and sue your wife's ass.
10. You are the leader of your country. At an important press conference, a journalist asks a difficult question. Do you:
(a) Address the point knowledgably and intelligently.
(b) Steer the conversation around to a topic you're more comfortable with.
(c) Stand and grin gormlessly before throwing up in the Japanese Prime Minister's lap, then get airlifted home to be sucked off by a fat-titted intern.
11. You are in a Middle-Eastern country with a reputation for terrorist attacks on foreign nationals. You don't want to stand out. Do you wear:
(a) Non-commital jeans and a t-shirt.
(b) A Demis Roussos tent dress, fez and sunglasses
(c) A hig- rise baseball cap, 15 cameras, Eric Morcambe shorts and a Hawaiian shirt?
Mostly A - You are in no way American. You probably still spell 'color' with a 'u' and 'alumininium' with all the syllables.
Mostly B - A bit American, but could do better. Try putting a 6-inch high withe fence around your lawn, and insisting your postman deposit your letters in a breadbin on a stick.
Mostly C - Congratulations boy! You're a Yank! You've got Mom's apple pie comin' out of the buns of your ass. Have a nice ****in' day. y'all!
Are you American?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
(c)Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faithhealer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head,whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.
5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c)A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c)Take him to an supermarket and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Harry Enfield or the Fast Show
(c)A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.
9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
(c)Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation,and sue your wife's ass.
10. You are the leader of your country. At an important press conference, a journalist asks a difficult question. Do you:
(a) Address the point knowledgably and intelligently.
(b) Steer the conversation around to a topic you're more comfortable with.
(c) Stand and grin gormlessly before throwing up in the Japanese Prime Minister's lap, then get airlifted home to be sucked off by a fat-titted intern.
11. You are in a Middle-Eastern country with a reputation for terrorist attacks on foreign nationals. You don't want to stand out. Do you wear:
(a) Non-commital jeans and a t-shirt.
(b) A Demis Roussos tent dress, fez and sunglasses
(c) A hig- rise baseball cap, 15 cameras, Eric Morcambe shorts and a Hawaiian shirt?
Mostly A - You are in no way American. You probably still spell 'color' with a 'u' and 'alumininium' with all the syllables.
Mostly B - A bit American, but could do better. Try putting a 6-inch high withe fence around your lawn, and insisting your postman deposit your letters in a breadbin on a stick.
Mostly C - Congratulations boy! You're a Yank! You've got Mom's apple pie comin' out of the buns of your ass. Have a nice ****in' day. y'all!
Jan 16th 2007, 11:50 am
#3
Excess Baggage
Joined: Jul 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 5,479
Re: Just for TA5
You forgot this on mate....
Are you American?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
(c)Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faithhealer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head,whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.
5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c)A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c)Take him to an supermarket and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Harry Enfield or the Fast Show
(c)A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.
9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
(c)Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation,and sue your wife's ass.
10. You are the leader of your country. At an important press conference, a journalist asks a difficult question. Do you:
(a) Address the point knowledgably and intelligently.
(b) Steer the conversation around to a topic you're more comfortable with.
(c) Stand and grin gormlessly before throwing up in the Japanese Prime Minister's lap, then get airlifted home to be sucked off by a fat-titted intern.
11. You are in a Middle-Eastern country with a reputation for terrorist attacks on foreign nationals. You don't want to stand out. Do you wear:
(a) Non-commital jeans and a t-shirt.
(b) A Demis Roussos tent dress, fez and sunglasses
(c) A hig- rise baseball cap, 15 cameras, Eric Morcambe shorts and a Hawaiian shirt?
Mostly A - You are in no way American. You probably still spell 'color' with a 'u' and 'alumininium' with all the syllables.
Mostly B - A bit American, but could do better. Try putting a 6-inch high withe fence around your lawn, and insisting your postman deposit your letters in a breadbin on a stick.
Mostly C - Congratulations boy! You're a Yank! You've got Mom's apple pie comin' out of the buns of your ass. Have a nice ****in' day. y'all!
Are you American?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision
(c) Attack them with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
(a) A ball
(b) A ball and 2 coats
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching sousaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is still alive
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not, that it died quickly
(c)Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drive home hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses
(b) Take a couple of aspirins and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faithhealer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on your head,whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.
5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of Cornflakes, slice of toast and a mug of tea
(b) Glass of orange juice, croissant and a cup of coffee
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak with six eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office
(b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a hotel
(c)A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don't worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c)Take him to an supermarket and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
8. You fancy a night in watching something funny on TV. What kind of comedy do you choose?
(a) A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted
(b) A sketch show like the Harry Enfield or the Fast Show
(c)A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for ten minutes every time an overpaid actor with a superglued grin on his face makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.
9. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn't happen again
(c)Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation,and sue your wife's ass.
10. You are the leader of your country. At an important press conference, a journalist asks a difficult question. Do you:
(a) Address the point knowledgably and intelligently.
(b) Steer the conversation around to a topic you're more comfortable with.
(c) Stand and grin gormlessly before throwing up in the Japanese Prime Minister's lap, then get airlifted home to be sucked off by a fat-titted intern.
11. You are in a Middle-Eastern country with a reputation for terrorist attacks on foreign nationals. You don't want to stand out. Do you wear:
(a) Non-commital jeans and a t-shirt.
(b) A Demis Roussos tent dress, fez and sunglasses
(c) A hig- rise baseball cap, 15 cameras, Eric Morcambe shorts and a Hawaiian shirt?
Mostly A - You are in no way American. You probably still spell 'color' with a 'u' and 'alumininium' with all the syllables.
Mostly B - A bit American, but could do better. Try putting a 6-inch high withe fence around your lawn, and insisting your postman deposit your letters in a breadbin on a stick.
Mostly C - Congratulations boy! You're a Yank! You've got Mom's apple pie comin' out of the buns of your ass. Have a nice ****in' day. y'all!
"A bread-bin on a stick". Love it.
Jan 16th 2007, 11:51 am
#4
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Apr 2005
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 4,553
Re: Just for TA5
Or this one
The new English
To : All members of Her Majesty's Government
In accordance with popular opinion throughout Britain, but to the surprise of some of our foreign neighbours, the commissioners for European Union have recently announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the accepted language for European communications rather than German, the other language which had been under consideration. This is seen as a great boost for our country.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government did concede that on occasion the English spelling had some room for improvement and a five-year phased plan has been accepted for the introduction of what will become known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year the letter "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replased by the letter "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typists akross the kountry will be delighted as keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" kombination will be replased by the letter "f". This will make words like "fotograf" twenty per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to get to the stage where more komplikated amendments are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, as these have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre, that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful and they wil be exterminated.
By the fourth year the new vision wil be klose to fulfilment when the "th" kombination is replasd by the leter "z", "w" is replasd by "v" or "m" depending on sirkumstanses and "qu" by ze easier to pronouns "kv". By zen peopl vil aksept mizout kvestion ze final steps.
During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" vill be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar zings vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
By ze end of ze fifz yer ven ze master plan is komplet, al pepol vill be hapy mit zis vay of speaking and riting and ve vil hav a ruzlesly efisiant languag and riten styl. Zer vill be no trubl or difikultis und evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ozers.
Ze drem vil finaly kum tru and ve kan say mizout kvestion zat ve hav vays of making yu talk.
The new English
To : All members of Her Majesty's Government
In accordance with popular opinion throughout Britain, but to the surprise of some of our foreign neighbours, the commissioners for European Union have recently announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the accepted language for European communications rather than German, the other language which had been under consideration. This is seen as a great boost for our country.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government did concede that on occasion the English spelling had some room for improvement and a five-year phased plan has been accepted for the introduction of what will become known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year the letter "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replased by the letter "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typists akross the kountry will be delighted as keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" kombination will be replased by the letter "f". This will make words like "fotograf" twenty per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to get to the stage where more komplikated amendments are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, as these have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre, that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful and they wil be exterminated.
By the fourth year the new vision wil be klose to fulfilment when the "th" kombination is replasd by the leter "z", "w" is replasd by "v" or "m" depending on sirkumstanses and "qu" by ze easier to pronouns "kv". By zen peopl vil aksept mizout kvestion ze final steps.
During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" vill be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar zings vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
By ze end of ze fifz yer ven ze master plan is komplet, al pepol vill be hapy mit zis vay of speaking and riting and ve vil hav a ruzlesly efisiant languag and riten styl. Zer vill be no trubl or difikultis und evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ozers.
Ze drem vil finaly kum tru and ve kan say mizout kvestion zat ve hav vays of making yu talk.
Jan 16th 2007, 11:55 am
#5
Excess Baggage
Joined: Jul 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 5,479
Re: Just for TA5
Or this one
The new English
To : All members of Her Majesty's Government
In accordance with popular opinion throughout Britain, but to the surprise of some of our foreign neighbours, the commissioners for European Union have recently announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the accepted language for European communications rather than German, the other language which had been under consideration. This is seen as a great boost for our country.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government did concede that on occasion the English spelling had some room for improvement and a five-year phased plan has been accepted for the introduction of what will become known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year the letter "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replased by the letter "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typists akross the kountry will be delighted as keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" kombination will be replased by the letter "f". This will make words like "fotograf" twenty per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to get to the stage where more komplikated amendments are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, as these have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre, that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful and they wil be exterminated.
By the fourth year the new vision wil be klose to fulfilment when the "th" kombination is replasd by the leter "z", "w" is replasd by "v" or "m" depending on sirkumstanses and "qu" by ze easier to pronouns "kv". By zen peopl vil aksept mizout kvestion ze final steps.
During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" vill be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar zings vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
By ze end of ze fifz yer ven ze master plan is komplet, al pepol vill be hapy mit zis vay of speaking and riting and ve vil hav a ruzlesly efisiant languag and riten styl. Zer vill be no trubl or difikultis und evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ozers.
Ze drem vil finaly kum tru and ve kan say mizout kvestion zat ve hav vays of making yu talk.
The new English
To : All members of Her Majesty's Government
In accordance with popular opinion throughout Britain, but to the surprise of some of our foreign neighbours, the commissioners for European Union have recently announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the accepted language for European communications rather than German, the other language which had been under consideration. This is seen as a great boost for our country.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government did concede that on occasion the English spelling had some room for improvement and a five-year phased plan has been accepted for the introduction of what will become known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year the letter "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also the hard "c" will be replased by the letter "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typists akross the kountry will be delighted as keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" kombination will be replased by the letter "f". This will make words like "fotograf" twenty per sent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to get to the stage where more komplikated amendments are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, as these have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre, that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful and they wil be exterminated.
By the fourth year the new vision wil be klose to fulfilment when the "th" kombination is replasd by the leter "z", "w" is replasd by "v" or "m" depending on sirkumstanses and "qu" by ze easier to pronouns "kv". By zen peopl vil aksept mizout kvestion ze final steps.
During ze fifz year ze unesesary "o" vill be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar zings vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
By ze end of ze fifz yer ven ze master plan is komplet, al pepol vill be hapy mit zis vay of speaking and riting and ve vil hav a ruzlesly efisiant languag and riten styl. Zer vill be no trubl or difikultis und evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ozers.
Ze drem vil finaly kum tru and ve kan say mizout kvestion zat ve hav vays of making yu talk.
