shoushou

Married for 20 years, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light while making love.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she
turned on the lights.She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device.. A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent S.O.B!," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy. . . you explain the kids."

sarah1

Dr goes up 2 George Best and says.... I got good news and bad news. George Best: Whats the bad news ? Dr: u have 1 hr to live. Best: What the ****s the good news ?. Dr: It's Happy Hour !!!...

shoushou

TWO COWS


SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.
COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow dropped
dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever
cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn
you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN EGYPTIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are voting for Mobarak!!!!

Fairydust

shoushou

Words women use


Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

shoushou

SYRIAN AIR

"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain (abou sayyah)welcoming you to Syrian Air. We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery.

This is flight 126 to New Delhi. Landing in Delhi is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the East. And if luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Syrian Air has an excellent record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off! To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits! For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs,we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking in this airplane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belt. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. and for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase."


ENJOY SYRIAN AIR !

shoushou

A new shop at Ibn Battuta.....(Dont take my word for it.....)

Sid2

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, what the camel was for.
The Sargent replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sargent, "BRING ME THE CAMEL!!!"
The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

Sid2

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said,
"Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs.
"Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for squirrels."

MJC

Sent that to a woman friend and got back (in about 3 minutes.....)

In a minute
Never; particularly in relation to DIY when there is sport on TV

I'll just pop down the pub for half an hour
Returns early morning trying to be quiet very unsuccessfully

I'm not drinking anything tomorrow ( after bad hangover)
Until someone offers me a pint etc as part of the brain affected by hangover dissolves by next day

Of course I don't mind going to see your parents and family
That means I can go out with my mates/ down the pub etc at least 10 times for good behaviour

I'll wash up in the morning
I really am thinking about it but my arms are paralysed

I just need to get a new drill bit and then I'll put that shelf up/ mend that XXX/ etc
I have no intention of ever doing this F****** stupid job when I could be XXXXX or XXXX or XXXX

You're not really tired are you?
My testosterone levels are surging and I need to do something about it NOW

I'm cooking tonight
prepare to spend 4 hours cleaning and degreasing the kitchen and doing the washing up because after all that creativity I will have to rest

Fairydust

I missed this one yesterday - how true that could have been me that wrote that

Sid2

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar,they suddenly spy through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"My God, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree !!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord !"
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the trees alivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe, Pepe - what the hell happened?".... With his dying breath Pepe calls out ... Ugh, run , run ! ... it wasn't a Bacon Tree

IT WAS A HAM BUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jeeper

Something to offend everyone.

> What is a Yankee?
>
> The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
>
> Why is divorce so expensive?
> Because it's worth it.
>
> What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
> Doughnuts
>
> Why is air a lot like sex?
> Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
>
> What do attorneys use for birth control?
> Their personalities.
>
> What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
> 45 lbs
>
> What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
> 45 minutes
>
> Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
> good-looking?
> Because those men already have boyfriends.
>
> What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
> driving.
>
> What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
> A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
>
> Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
> Mace will do that to you.
>
> Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
> Everyone has the same DNA.
>
> Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car
> only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
> Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
>
> Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> A different bar.
>
> Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
> They named him "Sum Ting Wong
>
> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
> other?
> A speech impediment.
>
> What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
> half-mast?
> They're hiring.
>
> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
> A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
> along with... "a recipe".
>
> How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
> Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
>
> What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
> fairytale?
> A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
> begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
>
> Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
> No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Sid2

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear,
if we don't do laundry right now!?"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

shoushou

What's the difference between a wife and a blowjob???






You can beat a wife,but you can never beat a blowjob.....