EthanB

Hey all, hoping anyone out there knows of a good counselor/therapist, preferably US/UK/Oz/Nz in origin.

Anybody ever been told that the desert is stressful?

Oh, and if anybody out there has had an excellent experience with some sort of skype therapy, please let me know that, too!

Tockalosh

If you can't find a therapist then suggest you transfer all your cash out of any joint bank accounts, put a block on any credit cards you will have responsibility for etc

By the time the weepies are over; she will have turned into a witch and rifled all the cash.

Experience of 2 of em. No such thing as a nice ex wife

Oyibopeppeh

Never a truer word said. I was working away in EQG at the time and it was three weeks until I could get back to the UK, by which time she'd pillaged everything she could. I ended up with 2 bags of clothes.

Norm_uk

I concur.

Me and mine agreed to split by mutual consent - no cheating or silly behaviour.

She still managed to empty the joint accounts though. I consider myself lucky I didn't have much at the time, especially after hearing how it went for some men.

Have a friend right now whose ex has even cashed in UK bonds they put away for their children's education - no sign of the money and she's already got a four bed detached, half of two pensions and a business. Not bad going really - and she has a new bf too.

Alimony is feeding oats to a dead horse...

N.

EthanB

Well, thank God I'm not in that situation, but I'm not one to turn down qualified help.

khitan004

There are happier alternatives to ditch the bitch.

Hello.Kitty

yeah, if anything, reading the previous posts makes you happy to have what you've got!

Anyhow, can't help on counsellors, but just in case you've got to a point where you can't see the wood from the trees, talk, work out a plan and make time for it. We found that we'd just got into a monotonous rut and were angry at each other for it - the solution was just just break it - go out, rediscover why we were actually together (ie it's meant to be fun!) and have a "date night". Just my tuppence worth!

khitan004

Don't know if this will help you, or anybody for that matter. But it has helped me.

Whenever anybody is angry ask them "I know you're not angry with me because enter unreasonable event that triggered said anger and that you're just taking it out on me. So who are you really angry at?"

You can never defuse anger with more anger. It is especially difficult as a man because of the language a woman will use. Men often take women literally when they say things i.e. "We never go out". The man may respond "We went out last week!."

The woman will feel as though the man hasn't heard what she has said (she wants to go out) and the man will feel as though the woman is being unreasonable and/or immasculating him (we did go out last week).

Women want to be wanted, loved and desired.
Men need to be needed, and trusted.

Some women don't realise the trust thing and view men closing them out as unloving. In reality men are merely solving their problems (work, social etc.) A woman trying to help (as she would do to any other woman) is viewed by the man as her not trusting him to deal with it/sort it out. Very immasculating. This pushes the man further away and you can see how this leads to problems. Simply being open and honest is always the best policy, simply say "I am having problems/there are some issues I am worried about. I don't want to talk to you about them because it is important for me to feel as though you trust me to sort them out without anybody else's help."

If this speaks to you or anybody else in any way, let me know if you need any more words of wisdom. I am not a qualified therapist but have a sideline interest in human psychology (I'm a teacher).

EthanB

Kitty & Khitan -
Thanks for the replies. Needless to say, more along the lines of what I'm looking for.
I think you're both right, and I'm going to see what I can do to put it into practice. I'll still have an eye out for a therapist, but every bit helps.

Thanks!

khitan004

Plus if it's the old separation complication I can't recommend Skype more. It's free and if you've got webcams you can video call each other. Introduced my Dad to it and he's never off it now!

Brains1983

I can lend you a shovel if things don't get better.

khitan004

Don't you mean a spade?

Brains1983

nope, I meant shovel.

Hello.Kitty

OMG?! Have you been listening through the keyhole or something?!

Seriously though, something that I have learnt from toddlers having tantrums and will now apply to any conflict situation is that the first thing you say in any argument should be "I understand that you want/need/ are upset by/ are angry at..." and then move on to facilitating the outpouring.

Also, women solve problems by talking about them... repeatedly. They don't actually want you to swoop in and solve it for them - they're perfectly capable of doing that themselves - but instead, part of the process is to analyse and gather peripheral information to inform the decision (or actually just justify one that's already been made!). So basically, turning round and saying "but we've already talked about this!", whilst undoubtedly true, isn't actually helpful... saying something like "stop bending my ear about it again" or "just get over it/ move on/ stop going on about it" will get you a serious loss of Brownie Points.

Again, it comes down to facilitating the outpouring. Points to cover would be what the issue is, how you (plural) feel about it, what options are available, what solutions do you (plural) think are appropriate and how you (plural) are going to make it work.

Oh, and if she's a tag-along wife (like me) the deep-down issue could well be "resentment" (kind of a disproportionate sacrifice, the idea that she's stagnating while your career progresses, that you have it easy making friends at work whilst she's so restricted at home, total dependency, etc...)

BUT the good news is that it's not insurmountable!

khitan004

Another great tip is to sit next to each other when discussing something. Being face-to-face is very antagonistic whilst facing the same direction is psychologically less conflicting. Also use the word "we" rather than "you" or "me".

I use that little trick all the time when there's a problem that the other person doesn't want to fix. i.e. Talk Talk in the UK (Broadband provider) weren't giving me the discount they had promised so I asked them "What can we do to sort this issue." Realistically I was really saying "what will you do to sort this issue." but the recipient is more willing because they feel as though it's a team effort. Strange but true.

Another great tip which pisses me off (because my missus uses it on me) is the assumed compliance. Basically we are in bed on a Saturday morning and the missus will say to me "Thanks for making me a cup of tea." Now I have the power of no (in a future seminar, hope you're taking notes) but because she's already thanked me for it, it grates at me and I eventually have to get up to make her a cup of tea. It is well annoying.

The other person is psychologically forced to do want you ask (even though you haven't actually asked them) because they are receiving praise when in reality they haven't done it which they feel guilt over. The only way to alleviate the guilt is to actually do what you've thanked them to do.