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Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

Old Jan 24th 2012, 12:19 pm
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Default Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

I have seen many posts which talk about couples making the decision to split their lives between two countries. I was wondering if there is anybody on here who has gone ahead and done this and how it is working out for them?

I am from the UK my husband from the USA. We moved to NJ two years ago as we decided my husband would have better employment opportunities as a university professor. I read posts on here saying it can take a few years to settle....so I did take the time to see if I would feel any differently over time. Unfortunately I have not settled here at all and we do not have a social life, with only one car which my husband needs for work I am isolated in the house all day. I recently quit my corporate job which I had taken as temporary measure when I first moved over here to support us whilst my husband found work. After two miserable years of trying to stick it out I finally had to admit defeat and quit. This has made us realize that without my work we just cant survive over here and with not much of a life we are wondering if we should continue to fight to stay here or admit defeat. Currently we are trying to decide between paying rent but not being able to afford health insurance or having to pay for health insurance and living with his parents. The alternative is me moving back to the UK, renting a flat (which we could afford on my husbands salary). i would live there and return to uni and finally train in the field I had hoped to a few years ago, my husband would continue to work during the school semester, whilst living with his parents and only having to pay for his own health insurance - he would then spend his spring, winter summer breaks with me back in the UK. Over time we would re-asses and see if he could find a permanent job in a cheaper state or if anything became available in his area back in the UK.

I know there are many couples for which one partner works abroad and is away for many months. I am interested in any stories regarding their experiences.

Last edited by miami078; Jan 24th 2012 at 12:47 pm.
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Old Jan 24th 2012, 12:52 pm
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

ive never lived in one country whilst my wife lived in another, except when we were applying for my K1 visa to come to the US, but that was only for 6months and wasnt a long term situation like what you are looking at, so i cant really comment on that part
however, the US citizenship thing is a good idea, you can get that without losing your UK citizenship and it would save on visa's and the like for when you did want to move back to the US for good.
my wife and I are going to be moving to the UK in a couple of years, but i will be getting US citizenship before i go as my wife is a US citizen and my daughter is dual US/UK so i figure i would be better to have it, just in case.
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Old Jan 24th 2012, 1:14 pm
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

DH & I did it for 18 months. He moved to the UK, but after 6 months moved back because he was so homesick. I had a good job in the UK and didn't want to move in with his parents in the US. Eventually he moved back to the UK to be with me. TBH we found it very stressful and upsetting, although if he has long holidays and money for the flights it shouldn't be so bad.

Can't he get a job in a uni in the UK?
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Old Jan 24th 2012, 1:20 pm
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

Hi there
We lived in Canada for 10yrs ,however we moved back to the UK in August 2011.My husband has a project to finish off in Canada,so therfore my son and I have been in the Uk on our own since then,give or take a couple of weeks here and there. You do get use to it,although its not ideal.Plus long lengths of time being apart isnt good for the relationship. We intended to make it 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off,and working a little from home on the 2 weeks off.However it hasnt worked that way either,so he intends to finsh as soon as the project is finished,and look for some thing over here.
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Old Jan 24th 2012, 2:06 pm
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

We did it for about 10 months, for us it seemed to work fine, but we had an end in sight. We would call each other and chat on the phone (before skype) and he would send care packages to our young son.
If you know it isn't forever it might be fine, but if he wants to do it indefinitely it could result in the end of a marriage, but then so could you staying in the US to please him. Living with his parents and only having one car hardly seems like much of a life when you feel trapped, would he move to UK eventually?
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Old Jan 24th 2012, 2:17 pm
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

My wife and I are kind of professional expats. We lived continents apart on and off for a couple of years while we were both working on some complicated work assignments. It's not ideal, and you basically have to understand that you are not going to be 'growing' together--you are not settling down, building a home, building a life and social circle 'together' while you are apart. For us, once we did get settled together, we finally got around to 'living' and building up a house and family within a community. These are some things that are just 'on hold' when you are apart.

You say the alternative is to move back, but have you considered another location within the US that might be better off economically or career-wise? Perhaps a smaller college town in which a second automobile is not entirely necessary, or someplace where one income can go quite a bit further? You don't have to think of this as a black or white thing, US vs. UK. Sometimes shades of grey are easier. Is it possible for you to study in the US? Sometimes as a spouse of staff you get a deal on tuition.

Living apart can work, temporarily, when you have a long-term goal or at least a path to that long term goal which is on the horizon. But I would caution--the bigger question you should be asking is "what if" in two years time your husband feels exactly the same way about the UK as you do now about the US? While he may now say "I love the UK--let's move tomorrow" in two years time he might be depressed, lonely, isolated, and ready to cash it all in and head back. How you might deal with this situation is something many expats have to come to grips with, and sometimes it can be rough.

Sorry I don't have anything more positive to add. Good luck with a tough decision.

Last edited by penguinsix; Jan 24th 2012 at 3:08 pm.
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Old Jan 24th 2012, 3:27 pm
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

Thank you to everybody who has posted – your comments have really helped me to put things in perspective. I agree that until we know where we are ultimately going to end up (USA/UK) further down the line, gaining citizenship may be a good idea. It may be worth me trying to stick around here for another year and see how things pan out. Unfortunately this will mean us living with his parents which I am afraid may not help me feeling settled and at home in the USA. It would however give me the opportunity to go back to uni and begin re-training and for my husband to continue gaining experience in his field – this may even put us in a better position down the line should we decide to move home to the UK.
Ultimately my husband is happy to move to where work is. We actually met in the UK where he had been studying for 9 years so before coming to the USA we had established our life in the UK. It was only on the advice and observations of his colleagues having difficulties finding work in the UK and being told there would be far more opportunities in the USA that we made the move. Of course this is negated now by realizing the cost of living in the state he managed to find work! There is a possibility that after establishing himself over here more doors may open for him in the UK – I guess. I guess I am wondering how long do we struggle and remain unhappy waiting for the ‘ideal’ job to come along!
I think an important point that was made by a few people– doing the long distance marriage can work if there is an end in sight. Looking at our situation I can see that currently we don’t have one! We seem to be waiting to see where his work takes us and I think putting our lives on hold for this reason. I agree the time apart would make it difficult to build out lives together. Although I am used to working away myself and wouldn’t mind spending time apart (utilizing my husbands long summer holidays) however penguinsi made a good point that we wouldn’t be building a life together, something which I think I am getting close to wanting to do – to really settle down somewhere. On the flip side of the coin I also recognize that by staying in the NJ and moving in which his parents – I wonder how much of a life are we really building here either? I think I need to try and identify the lesser of the two evils!
As penguinsix also mentioned – moving to a different state may be the first step rather than going to extremes and I think this maybe a good stop gap for now. I the meantime I am swaying towards creating a timeline where we ride things out for another year, by which time I may be eligible for citizenship and then possibly trying to move ourselves to the UK over time. Our biggest mistake may have been not having a plan set up for the eventuality that things wouldn’t work out before immigrating! I don’t think we ever had the discussion of what we would do if it didn’t work out, which believe me is incredibly surprising for someone who has plans for plans! I think I hadn’t expected it to be such a struggle not just financially but emotionally also. Anyway – thank you everybody for your posts I really appreciate them.
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Old Jan 24th 2012, 3:42 pm
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

We basically lived apart for over 3 years from our wedding, he in the UK and me here. It was due mainly to financial reasons, although waiting 22 months for his Green Card added some time there. Anyway, it worked with me going over every 3-5 months for a week in the UK. However, being middle aged, we did not have the issue of wanting to start a family, etc to deal with. DH was made redundant in the UK so he was scrabbling around for a job which made it a bit interesting, but it worked out, but not without sacrifice. Did we miss each other? Certainly!! However, there was an end in sight, and we kept on truckin'.

Bottom line, you do what you have to do.
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Old Jan 24th 2012, 4:53 pm
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

miami, if you can live with your in-laws, you're a better person than I am! My husband and I have been apart for 1 1/2 years now, with him (a US citizen) in the UK and me (UK citizen) and the kids over here. Is it ideal? No, but we make it work, as finances dictate.

Keep your eyes on the future. Back when you were starting out, you couldn't have foreseen your current circumstances, so there's no point in beating yourself up over it. You didn't mention kids, so I'm not sure if you have schooling, etc. to worry about. If you don't, then don't rush. Weigh up all your options, and yes, I would start the paperwork rolling for your US citizenship. It keeps the door open to both countries.
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Old Jan 24th 2012, 6:20 pm
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

Thanks everyone again. With regards to the in-laws...its gonna be incredibly tough but if we decide to do that I need to make sure its a temporary measure. We fortunately don't have children to consider at the moment which does free things up a little more for us. I agree keeping our eyes on the future and working out what we want long term will help us work out what we need to do to get there. If its being apart for a while in order to achieve this then its worth doing.
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Old Jan 24th 2012, 7:09 pm
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

Originally Posted by miami078
I have seen many posts which talk about couples making the decision to split their lives between two countries. I was wondering if there is anybody on here who has gone ahead and done this and how it is working out for them?

I am from the UK my husband from the USA. We moved to NJ two years ago as we decided my husband would have better employment opportunities as a university professor. I read posts on here saying it can take a few years to settle....so I did take the time to see if I would feel any differently over time. Unfortunately I have not settled here at all and we do not have a social life, with only one car which my husband needs for work I am isolated in the house all day. I recently quit my corporate job which I had taken as temporary measure when I first moved over here to support us whilst my husband found work. After two miserable years of trying to stick it out I finally had to admit defeat and quit. This has made us realize that without my work we just cant survive over here and with not much of a life we are wondering if we should continue to fight to stay here or admit defeat. Currently we are trying to decide between paying rent but not being able to afford health insurance or having to pay for health insurance and living with his parents. The alternative is me moving back to the UK, renting a flat (which we could afford on my husbands salary). i would live there and return to uni and finally train in the field I had hoped to a few years ago, my husband would continue to work during the school semester, whilst living with his parents and only having to pay for his own health insurance - he would then spend his spring, winter summer breaks with me back in the UK. Over time we would re-asses and see if he could find a permanent job in a cheaper state or if anything became available in his area back in the UK.

I know there are many couples for which one partner works abroad and is away for many months. I am interested in any stories regarding their experiences.
Have you considered going back to work? You have no children I understand so having your own job would provide you with stimulus and also provide extra income.

As a person who has a brother in law who is a college professor I must admit I find it difficult to believe that he does not earn enough to provide for you both (including health insurance).
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Old Jan 24th 2012, 9:09 pm
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

Originally Posted by SanDiegogirl
Have you considered going back to work? You have no children I understand so having your own job would provide you with stimulus and also provide extra income.

As a person who has a brother in law who is a college professor I must admit I find it difficult to believe that he does not earn enough to provide for you both (including health insurance).
Hey there SanDiegogirl. I have actually just finished my jobs after working pretty much for the last 2 years since moving here. I was due to go back to school when I arrived here, but due to finances back then - I found the first job I could find with benefits and pretty much ended up stuck there for the past 2 years. I left the job last week to take up my university place and go back to work in my field. Unfortunately this means the drop in income and insurance which makes it financially tight at the moment.

My husband is an adjunct (temporary) professor. Unfortunately this means no health insurance, no guarantee of classes beyond the current semester. He is getting a lot of work but still tight due to the living costs of NJ. I agree though when he manages to get a tenure track and permanent position as a professor things will be a lot better. It sometimes can take a few years, and he is working on publications to make himself more marketable and so we are definitely moving forward.
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Old Jan 24th 2012, 9:17 pm
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

I don't think a professor in the US is the same as a professor in the UK. I work in a London university and what they call a professor in the US is what we would just call a lecturer. Not sure what they call the equiv. of a UK professor in the US? A don maybe? It's a much more senior role.
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Old Jan 25th 2012, 12:37 am
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

Does your husband have a PHD? If so surely doing a post-doc somewhere would be better career wise in academia than acting as a temporary lecturer.
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Old Jan 25th 2012, 12:43 pm
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Default Re: Wife in the UK whilst husband lives in the USA - can this work?

Originally Posted by Gillymonkey
Does your husband have a PHD? If so surely doing a post-doc somewhere would be better career wise in academia than acting as a temporary lecturer.
Hi gillymonkey, yes he has a PHD so I agree the post doc would be the next best step. There is mention of a post-doc becoming available in September in a nearby school so we keep waiting to hear more about that. I am also going to spend the next few days job hunting for him. Thank you for your suggestions it helps me to know we are on the right track particularly as I am not in the academic field myself.
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