What the hell do we do?
 

This looks like the best place to put this because everywhere else on this site seems fairly happy so they can't understand me at all.
In October 2007, I came to the US on a 10 day visit to see my fiance. We ended up getting married while I was here, and I was going to use the whole 90 days on my visa to stay here and then go back once it was up.Then early December, we went to stay with his parents for a while, and while there, they said that they would pay for all the costs for immigration, and we could pay them back once I got working. We thought this was brilliant, and accepted their offer, we applied for immigration and all of that is pending, Ive got as far as having my Biometrics so far.
We got swept away by this generous offer and wanting to be together so badly, after 2 years of a long distance relationship, internet, telephone calls, letters, visits every few months, we thought let's do it!
But now I'm not happy. I'm happy with my husband, but it's this place! I'm just not settling, part of me doesn't want to settle, I just want to be home. I believe we made a dreadful mistake, and we should have stuck to our original plan, which was for him to move to the UK. But we had an oppurtunity and took it, and it has landed us in a situation that I wasn't entirely ready for.
He has never liked NC anyway, he moved here for his first wife and hasn't been able to escape it because of financial reasons, so what are the chances of us escaping it to get back to the UK?!
I feel I'm well and truly stuck and I don't know what to do now.
I'm bloody sick of it all. I just want to go home, curl up on the sofa and eat a big bar of Galaxy. :(
Does anyone here knoww what our first realistic option is? I haven't even got my green card yet, so I can't even work, and we don't have enough money to even get me home so that we can go about getting him over there.
Why oh why do I always screw up everything? :curse:
Thanks for any advice you may have, and at the least, thanks for letting me vent! :)
Em.xx

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

I really feel for your situation and can't really offer any advice. I'm suck in Oz because of my wife's unfinished degree, and it does take strength, and we all go through the 'what did I do' moments. But stick around, there are many great people here, who for one reason or another can't be where they want to be. And if nothing else, you'll be able to vent guilt free, and have a laugh.:thumbup:

'Being a grown up is really hard':eek:

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Well at least I can vent guilt free! lol!

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

this is like your post a few weeks ago, seems things have not got any better. why not wait until you have your green card or can at least work and give that option a go?

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

I'm sorry to hear that you're unhappy and I can certainly understand. It has got to be tough and especially if you can't work. I know it will be difficult, but if you could at least hang on until you've got your Green Card, that will at least give you some options. If you are both working then you can get the money together to either get out of NC or, if you still feel like returning, flying back to the UK. We've been here on H1-B and H4 visas and my DH has only just received his EAD and just in the nick of time. Not being able to work was driving him up the wall, so I certainly can appreciate your situation. We've been lucky and have settled pretty well, but I know that it's not the case for every one and, in the end, you have to do what suits you best.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

I know exactly how you feel.....

When I first moved over to the US about 5 years ago I ended up in a sleepy town in NC (no real jobs and mostly broke) with my wife and the culture shock, having lived just outside Manchester was HUGE.

I got lucky and landed a job in Boston, Ma (the company paid for relocation). The similarities with home were quite surprising, we lived in Salem at first and I began to feel more at "home". We have moved from place to place and now I'm much more settled living in our own house in a smaller town in New Hampshire. Believe it or not after 4 years of living up here we're planning a retreat back to NC for the more simple life.......

Anyway, if you can try to move to an area with a bigger city - if it hadn't happened for us I would probably be back in England by now as well.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Your 1st realistic option? Depends where you want to live.

You do not need to wait for your GC to be able to work. Apply for your EAD (form I-765). You could have applied for this with your AOS package, but as long as your I-485 is in the works, you can still apply - though it will take up to 90 days to get it.

Or you can abandon AOS and return to the UK, get a job and sponsor your husband to move to the UK. The process of bringing a spouse to the UK is much easier than the other way.

Whatever you do, don't have any kids until you've sorted this out.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Have no idea Emma but just sending you some positive cyber chocolate vibes to help while you cogitate! Whatever you do, put a time frame on it so you dont get stuck in a place you loathe.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Emma you said that you don't even have your green card yet so you can't work :confused: you follow these boards and I am sure you know but just want to clarify you don't need a GC to work you can get the EAD before approval.
Once you start to work and get out of the house you might feel a bit better.

Good luck don't give up yet :)

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Things aren't that much better really, they are better between my husband and me, we are getting along a lot better than we were, just not better as far as me being here. Yeah it looks like that is really our only option.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

I did apply for my EAD with my AOS paperwork, but they are messing about with requests for evidence (which we already sent them) and payment for applications (already been paid for but they gave us 2 different receipt numbers for the application for alien residence so think there are 2 different applications pending when there is only one for my husbands application for me to stay, plus my AOS.)
I know that it is easier to get him to the UK now, I didn't know that before, I found this site too late!! :(

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

I feel I already am stuck in a place I loathe. Isn't it horrible when that happens? I have no connections here, no friends, VERY difficult to fit in around here, I have tried meetup.com, I have tried just being friendly, but people are just so damn cliquey! The only thing they are interested in is that I have a different accent, and that's getting a bit tedious now. It's like all I have is my husband here, and everyone and everything else I know and love is in the UK. I'm glad I did it, took the plunge and found out, but now I know, I want to go home.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

True, once I get out and about working, I might feel I have some control over the whole situation then, and I wont feel like it is all just eating me up.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

If you are happy with NC, then brilliant!
Its just not right for me, if all my family and friends were here, and I could drive, and I had grown up here, then it would be the most gorgeous place on earth, but I just don't have the connections to this place that make it anything important to me.
I didn't know I was so sentimental about my little chavvy pikey town on the Thames... but I am :) I daydream about the day I can go back.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

I think we have both decided that the UK is for us, my husband wants to get out of here too. He has been lucky enough to have lived in many states here, so he isn't a stranger to moving around, he compares things here to the UK more than I do at times, lol! So really it is an issue of money. Doesn't stop me feeling peed off about being here in the meantime though. Poppy is right, I need to get working, once I do then I will feel I'm contributing towards getting us out of here.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

- I think this advice should be standard for every "What should we do?" thread.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Then that is what you should do. There's no point going through US immigration if you both intend to move to the UK. If you can't work in the US, maybe you should go back to the UK and start working to save up for your OH's move to the UK ... or as others have said, wait until you get your EAD to work and save money from the US. If you do the latter, though, you have to figure out how to deal with hating the US or you'll go mad. :(

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

It's a plus that your husband feels the same way as you do, from reading this particular part of the forum that, obviously, isn't always the case. I'd forgotten about the EAD:o I hope, at least, you can get that sorted then you can work which, as you said, will help you contribute towards escaping but, also, it will, hopefully, allow you a minor distraction until you can both return to the UK.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Yes, this is exactly the problem I have. If I go back to the UK as it is now, it would mean that I would have to stay with my family until I got a job, then saved to get a flat, then saved to get my husband over there... realistically that could take a couple of years, maybe more, and even moreso if we had trips in between (him coming to me because if I abandoned my AOS, I would probably get a nice fat ban for a few years and never be allowed to use the VWP again).
So really, I think the only option is to stay here for now, get a job and save like mad for us to move, because we know that we can live on one wage, so we can save whatever I earn. Ack, what a mess.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Yes it is a blessing that he feels the same, I'm lucky in that respect.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Have you looked at the section on bringing a spouse to the UK at UK-Yankee? It may not be as difficult or drawn out as you think. As you may know, Silly Sod is over right now, preparing for his wife and stepdaughter to move over. I think he found UK-Yankee very helpful.

Good luck - at least you 2 agree about where you want to live!

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Ive never heard of it, but I will take a look. Thanks!

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

I just want to add that you can control your emotions more than you think. And while you may be blessed with a great marriage, if you keep being sour about where you're living, it may not stay so great for long. I recommend trying to get some volunteer work to keep you busy and get some social contact till you get permission to work. It's hard if you don't have a social circle, that make settling much harder. I'm also fed up with being asked after 9 months if I'm settled here?! But it does take time. Without knowing your full story, I'd go with the advice to wait and try to save while you both work. Having supportive inlaws nearby is a big plus. Remember also, things in the UK have not remained static while you've been gone and a lot of people struggle to re-adjust back. Getting a ban on travelling to the US is tough when you're leaving the in-laws here, at least wait till you've got permission to travel (which you should have applied for )...
Good Luck with it all .

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

There's some good advice in that - thanks.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Practical advice: stay and get your green card, keep your options open. Dont have a kid here.

Heartfelt advice: Get the heck outta here fast, maybe not even go back to the Uk. It just gets worse here.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Hello Emma,

It's tough situation that you and many others are in, that is being somewhere where they don't want to be.

Don't do anything in a rush. Look at what the options are and then go from there.

If you want to stay in the US there's two options you can do.

1, Wait it out for the GC. My understanding is that they are slowly starting to work there way out of the mess of last summer, but the timescales are all a bit of an unknown at the moment.

2, Apply for an EAD asap. I think that you mention that you have done that, maybe you can put it into your mind that you will get this and what do you want to do for work after you get it. Maybe that will give you something to focus on.

Now once you get your GC, I think that for marriage based cases you can apply for citizenship 3 years after that. So after your GC a reasonable assumption would be that you were 4 years away from citizenship. That way even if you and your husband decide to move to the UK, you could always come back without any issues.

Of course sometimes 4 years feels like a lifetime.

Now moving back to the UK is definitely easier than moving to the UK but there are hoops that you would have to jump through. The three main being,

Proving the relationship is genuine.
Proving you have somewhere to live.
Proving that you spouse wont resort to public funds.

For the third point, you could either get work here and then save up as much as you can and then apply. Or you could go back to the UK sort everything out and then apply. The latter option meaning you would be away from your husband.

Why does giving up the AOS application, cause a ban? I would assume it would make it more difficult as when you entered the US, you would have to prove ties back to the UK, etc, but if you were working and had a flat, etc I don't see why that couldn't be done. I would seek good experienced advice on the matter though.

Good luck.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

I assume that giving up the application would cause a ban as they would treat the application as abandoned, therefore the time I have been in the US would then be counted as overstay, wouldn't it? :confused:
I think it would be anyway.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

As far as I understand, giving up on an AOS does not cause a ban, it depends how you entered the USA!! If there wasn't visa waiver involved, you just need to apply for a full tourist visa in the future. Some of us came in on the VWP then applied for AOS. THus if we drop the AOS before getting travel documents, we're leaving the US on a seriously overdue VWP (ie+180 days)....that's what gives the ban (altho' the legal ppl on here can correct me if I got that all wrong:-))

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

I did enter the country on a VWP

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

I think you need to get some clarification on whether you gave up the AOS outside of the country whether you would be okay.

I'm not sure whether you would need Advanced Parole to leave the country while you were still on an AOS application. You would need it if you decided to reenter the US and maintain your application.

I think that this is a tricky situation and best of getting the advice of an attorney.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

I would post this Emma in the marriage based forum I am pretty sure I know the answer but would rather you get the experts advice there :)

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt but I'm still alive.

Here are things from my angle and this post is not meant to scare you in anyway but just a heads up on things.

My story is much the same as you, married on impulse while visiting and then filing all the AOS stuff. But first, a brief history....

...was living single in England. Had a nice apartment, awesome credit and saw my daughter whenever I wanted to.

Then, I meet my future wife online and we start Internet chats, phone calls, emails and then visits with me flying to the US and her flying to the UK. Things looked good and during one visit, we tied the knot. Cue end of an easy life and straight into something not too far from hell.

The sale of the apartment gave me some nice income for a while, but legal fees (immigration and wife's ongoing custody battles) soon drained that. Like an idiot, began using UK credit cards to support me and my wife until my EAD came through.

Spent a couple of years in the most lame town in the south you could imagine with the wife not working (another long story).

EAD comes through...WOOOHOOOO!!!!. Began applying for jobs but most of them in my field required me to be a GC holder. Yeah, I know it's illegal but I'm not going to argue law in an interview. Wait another six months (debts building) and then finally get Green Card.

At this point, I'm on my last nerve but then I get a job within a couple of days in a larger city and we move (all at my expense.....notice a pattern??).

It's now three years on and my debts in the UK are unimaginable (i have a payment plan in place but I swear I'll be dead before it's all paid), I no longer have any UK credit and things on the marriage front are rocky to say the least.

So what's the point of this rambling post? Just think long and hard about what you want to do. If things are rocky now between you and your husband, things are going to get more difficult before they get easy. I was hoping for some emotional spousal support (after all, I was the financial supporter in my marriage), but alas...it was not to be. Foolish me, I am supposed to be the provider of everything. How could I miss that???

So with an unhappy marriage why would I stay? Well, it would be financial suicide to move back to England and I do love my job. I've had more career opportunities here than in the UK. I've made some good friends and I'm feeling more settled. But it took a hell of a lot to get to this point and at times I felt strained to unbelievable limits.

But, all people are different and you and hubby maybe able to get through it and your road ahead maybe less rocky than mine. Just take the time to sit back and evaluate what you need to do. If you are not happy now, I guarantee you will not be happy later on.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Thanks for your reply, I'm sorry to hear that things haven't gone well for you and I hope they improve for you in the future.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

They are already improving, it just took so long that at times you can think it will never get better. But it can. It just depends on how long you can stick it out and what changes you are willing to take to make it work.

Try and find the positives too. I spent a lot of time whining about the negatives but it wasn't accomplishing anything. Once I focused on the positives, things began to look up.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

I have found positives, despite my rant, lol! I think a lot of it is to do with my attitude towards not being able to go home, even just to visit. It is really nothing much to do with the US, I think wherever I was I wouldn't be content because it isn't the UK. I really didn't realise how much I love the UK until I found myself out of it, just because it is home. I think that my whole attitude will change once I get working, and saving for us to go home, then just the knowing that we could go back any time we wish would take the edge off it. It's the not knowing when we can, that I guess leaves me feeling trapped, and being an outsider in this little town is hard going at times.

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Living in a small town isn't easy. Been there, seen it, done it, still doing it. I'm surprised I have any hair left, I've torn so much out. Glad you've found some positive stuff, hang on to those thoughts.:thumbup:

Re: What the hell do we do?
 

Wise words.