Holliver

Ahh, I'm not sure exactly where I'll be living. Sorry. Thanks for cheering me up with your posts though. I'm sure everything will work out fine
And now to start that pesky I-129F. Eeek.
Thanks for everybodies helpful posts.

cosmicjunkie

I too will be moving to San Diego in October. I have been fussing, flapping and faffing for bloody ages about this decision. Screw it...I'm taking the plunge! I have my visa appointment on the 5th July.
You will not be chained to the USA...you will be free to leave when and if you please!

Bob

harder to do once you get married though, especially if you end up having kids, well if you want to keep the things that is.

Ohio556

I actually believe it should be relatively easy for British people to make friends in America as long as they know how to go about things and they know how to avoid offending Americans who have varying sensibilities that could easily be offended by the uninformed or the improperly informed.

If you want I'll go on and write a half-dozen paragraphs about why I believe it should be relatively easy and how to go about things. I've also found that random Americans are generally much more helpful with strangers or with people they've only known a short time, than the people I encountered in England, although for some reason the people in Wales actually seemed fine with taking the time to be helpful. I can write about American helpfulness if you're interested.

cosmicjunkie

You are right, that is why she might want to wait a while before having kids. I myself do not want any, so in my case it would be a lot easier to backtrack if I ever had the yearning to do so. I obviously hope I will not!

Sally Redux

What a troll

Holliver

From my experience, abroad and at home, meeting 'helpful' people (of which there have been many) hasn't really lead to friendship. It's a bit awkward asking someone who just randomly helped you in the street if they want to go out for a coffee later. Maybe the culture is different in the US and that would be acceptable but in England and Japan you'd definitely get funny looks.
But any tips you could give me as to how to go about making friends would be great. I suppose I need to join some clubs/hobby things? What did you find was the best way to meet people? Any advice would be most appreciated.

Thank you

Bob

His advice would probably include point a gun at someone and they'll be your new BFF

It's all down to location and circumstances isn't it, the US isn't a special snow flake in that regard.

Do something you enjoy, you'll probably meet the same kind of folks....good club at the library, volunteer at the local dog shelter, join a biking club...what ever you want to do. Rarely would it be bumping into someone on the street and then giving them your number as that's just generally being weird and creepy

Sarah

Realistically if you marry him, he's climbing up his career ladder for the next 10 years, you buy a house, have a couple of kids etc you're not going home.

Extreme

Roommates! Rent a house together with someone in the beach areas. Have a party! Trust me the friend thing will take care of itself...

mr.rugby

Bet you wouldn't think it was creepy or weird if it was a hot girl, and you wanted her number? or his?

Ohio556

I'm an American, born and raised, so I didn't have to do anything odd or unusual to adjust...


I'd suggest you become active with local activities... Consider joining a cultural center, bearing in mind that most Americans identify as German, English, Irish, or Italian, and there are many cultural centers/organizations for those various groups, so obviously you should have one of those covered.


If Christianity is important to you, joining a church or some sort of friendly bible study might be important for you, and it would help you make some friends. If you become active in a church I'd say that most of the people you interact with will only be superficially friendly towards you, but you might mean one or two people, or one family perhaps, that will wind up resulting in a lifelong friendship. Some pushy people at work or around town might try to shove their religion on you, but if you're not interested just politely decline, if at work just tell them that your religion is a personal issue and you'd prefer not to discuss religious issues at work.


If you hunt, trap, or fish, there will be plenty of opportunities to meet people in hunter's educations classes, fishing stores, etc, just chat people up and ask them questions, let them talk about themselves 80% of the time, spend 10% of the time relating to what they are saying, then spend 10% of the time talking about yourself, that's a good way to break the ice and get in the door so to speak, that can be useful in any context/situation.


I don't hesitate to strike up conversations with total strangers, to the point where I sometimes wind up getting a reference for a job, being informed of a job opening, engaging in a 10-30 minute conversation, or being told I should run for office because the person I've been talking with wants to vote for me based on what I've told them. Don't be intimated about talking with people.


Step one is to let the other person do the lion's share of the talking, most people will talk up a storm if you just kick back, keep your ears open, and let them talk about themselves and their views/likes/hobbies/etc.

Step two is to occasionally interject to show that you're paying attention and that you can relate to what they are saying.

Step three is to begin discussing your likes/views/hobbies/etc, especially as they relate to what the other person has been saying.

I saw a man examining hunting knives in a store and one of them was a Colt knife and the package read "COLT- THE LEGEND CONTINUES" and he looked as disappointed as I was, so I said to him, "the legend continues huh? well the knife is made in China, the legend wasn't made in China" and then we had a 10-20 minute conversation about out-sourcing jobs, the threat posed by China, the loss of the American way, and where to find a quality American made knife.

There are a number of stores where I am greeted by my first name and I know all of the owners/managers/clerks on a first name basis. If you shop at the same store for a few months and have a few meaningful conversations, they'll probably start to remember your name fairly quickly.



While in the USA I'd suggest avoiding controversial topics in the work-place. I don't know if people in the UK discuss those things but in the USA it is best to avoid such things since you never know who believes what or who may be offended by what.

Debates/topics that may cause great controversy depending on your location or who you're interacting with...

Creation vs evolution
Christianity vs secularism
Separation of church and state
Homosexual marriage
Abortion
Gun control/Second Amendment
Illegal immigration/border control
Affirmative action

You can probably voice any opposition you may have to the Iraq War, but be aware that there are still a few Americans who will swear up and down that the WMDs were there, they've just been moved to the North Pole. Possibly by Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny using an Antonov 225 piloted by Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer and Vladimir Putin who landed the plane at the same hideout where Elvis is working on a new album to be released in 2020...



I'm not sure if foreigners have any strong views about reform of eminent domain (i.e. government seizure of land) but unless you're against eminent domain, it's probably best to keep quiet on the topic...

Anyway, example- If you hear a co-worker talking about going deer hunting over the weekend, even if you disagree with hunting it would be best to avoid interjecting yourself into his conversation and saying, "hunting is terrible, how barbaric" because it will just create a permanent rift that may lead to further disruption in the workplace.



A few things... Most Americans don't know the difference between England, Great Britain, and the United Kingdom, so if you're from Scotland and you just got done telling them, "I'm from Britain" and they ask, "oh you're from Britain, what part of Britain?" and you say, "I'm from Scotland" and they reply, "Scotland? I thought you said you were from Britain" bear with them and politely explain the situation, if you're patient and explain it to them they'll understand. Please try to avoid writing off Americans as uneducated hillbillies who don't know anything about European geography/politics...

Granted 25% of Americans couldn't find Ohio on the map, which is rather insulting considering we're in the top 10 in the nation for population and one of the most important political states, but America has 50 states, I doubt most Europeans can place them all on a map, so give Americans a bit of time in regards to placing things on a European map... In high school they gave us blank maps of each continent and we had to fill in every river, mountain range, country, capital, and sea, for Europe, I swapped two seas but other than that I had everything correct, although those sort of lessons are the exception rather than the norm.

If you tell an American you've been to Austria don't expect them to automatically know that German is the language spoken in Austria. Indeed Obama didn't even get that one right, he made a reference to, "I don't know how they say this phrase in Austrian, but I just want you all to know..."



If you get active in a fitness club or some sort of gym, you might meet one or two friends there, but a lot of people are going to be busy exercising and probably won't want to strike up any sort of meaningful conversation. Maybe gals have socialization time in the locker-room, I don't know, all I know is that in the male locker room the only activities going on are changing and showering. Occasionally you see a guy who decides to brush his teeth or shave in the locker room, but the extent of conversation in the male locker room is usually grunting "hey" or "how's it going" while giving a light nod to acknowledge somebody as you walk by them.


Think of the hobbies that matter most to you and there are probably clubs for those hobbies in the USA. Unless you're going to be in the middle of Death Valley there's probably always going to be something within driving distance.


You might take some flak from Irish-Americans, German-Americans, or Afrikaner-Americans, for various reasons (i.e. potato famine/Irish occupation, WW1, WW2/especially Dresden, and the whole Boer War thing) but that's probably unlikely since even though the most common ancestry for White Americans is German, few of them could find Dresden on a map... Once in a while you probably will encounter some Irish-America with a chip on their shoulder about this or about that... The college I went to actually had the head of the Sinn Fein give a speech after being invited to talk. The event was packed to the hilt but I stayed away because you trouble seems to follow those types of people.

You may have to endure a few remarks about the War of 1812 and the burning of our Capitol, although with the way things are going today, you might have some Americans jokingly (half-jokingly) ask if you can get the British Army to burn it down again. I'd expect you'll get at least one person who asks you if the Fourth of July is a holiday in Britain, or some variation of "how do you celebrate the Fourth of July in Britain? Do they have fireworks?" just explain to them that you don't have the Fourth of July and if they want to know about some British holiday, tell them something about the Fifth of November.



Oh, as for British humor, most Americans will probably find it ranking somewhere between offensive and dry. That's to say either they will be offended by what was said, or they just won't understand it and they'll be confused by it. I'm a very cynical and sarcastic person, but only with people I know rather well, or only in regards to situations that don't involve the people I am speaking with (I will be cynical or sarcastic about a current event or a situation, but not about the person I am speaking with). A lot of Americans like jokes about current events, politicians, situations, work-place situations, funny observations about life, etc.

I've heard that some British comedy/humor specifically targets disabled/handicapped individuals, especially children... That would be instantly offensive to almost anybody and everybody in the USA.

Depending on your surroundings or who makes the first remark, jokes dealing with race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, etc, are often okay in limited situations as long as they are not "over the top" but don't ever think disability jokes are okay, they're not.

Example, somebody who is blind in one eye hears a conversation about the British royal family and he expresses a desire "to be a king, or some sort of royal" at which time you tell him, "well just move to the land of the blind, because in the land of the blind the one eyed man is king" that won't win you any friends at all... It might be funny in the UK, but it won't be seen as funny here, depending on whether or not you're in a store or some sort of business, you might be told to leave...



As for winning friends, there's nothing wrong with asking random citizens for advice if you are lost or looking for a nice place to eat.

I overheard some random people asking directions at a gas station and the attendant was unable to tell them what road they needed, so I approached them, asked them what the problem was, and spent about five minutes trying to find the road on my GPS (which I had retrieved from my vehicle after hearing them explain their problem) until being unable to find it on the GPS. I theorized that it was a relatively new road and my GPS map was 2-3 years old, so I suggested that they check with the nearest Highway Patrol station or municipal Police station. In most areas police will be ready to assist motorists, even to the point of changing flat tires for those motorists who lack the knowledge or physical ability to complete the task on their own.

Approaching random strangers and striking up a conversation with them, offering to help them, or asking them to help you, isn't particularly unusual. That said, I probably wouldn't pick up a hitch-hiker and I most likely wouldn't hitch-hike. If you ever break down on a highway the police will probably give you a ride to the next exit or the nearest town, at least that's how it would be in my state and most of the states I have experience with (Ohio, Indiana, Kentucky, Mississippi, etc). In states such as New Jersey, New York, or California, they might just ticket you for not pushing your broken down car far enough off the road, or some such nonsense.

Even if you don't receive an instant invitation to dinner from your new neighbors, they'll probably be very helpful in times where you need help. Before I had my truck I used to get stuck in the snow and on a number of occasions I received assistance from neighbors who helped me get the car out of the mess I had it stuck in.




Anyway, as for regional differences, one of the main ones I can think of is that things seem to move a bit slower in the Southeast... Now they're not as slow as molasses in the winter and they're not nearly as slow as the French are, but they tend to take their time when it comes to getting something done... The old idea being, "why do today what can be put off until tomorrow..." In the Midwest it seems that the order of the day is to get as much done as possible as often as possible until it is time to stop working. A lot of businesses, mainly small businesses, will only be open five or at most six days in the Southeast, while many businesses will be open at least six days in the Midwest.

You may find in some small towns in the Southeast and in parts of the Midwest, that if you're in church on Sunday there's nobody to interact with around town and even if there were folks around town there's nowhere to go and nothing much to do because most people are at church.

Depending on where you are, it's not uncommon to have strangers attempting to discuss religion with you in a place such as a cafe or a diner. If random strangers hear you make a religious remark that they can relate to it will spark a conversation... A random man in a diner overheard a pastor friend and myself praying before eating and discussing something about the Revelation of John, so he came over to our table and began to talk with us, joining our discussion about how the enemies of God are working hard to destroy America and the judgement being close at hand. He then gave us some booklets published by a Baptist/Fundamentalist publishing place that he kept in his coat pocket.




As for making friends outside of work or random social encounters, your best bets are to think about your hobbies and go from there...


Outdoor activities are probably the best bet, but a lot of ladies seem to be into the book club thing (I don't know if they actually read the books or if they just meet to talk about life under the guise of having a conversation about the book of the week/month)... There are probably plenty of opportunities for equestrian activities, I'm guessing a lot of British people are still into equestrian stuff?


Just to rattle off a list of socializing opportunities...



Book club

Cultural center

Cultural organization

Church

Cooking classes (you might meet many women in their 20s at cooking classes)

Shooting

Hunting

Trapping

Fishing

SCUBA diving

Equestrian club

Chess club

War-gaming club

Medieval/Renaissance fair

War re-enactors

Amateur/HAM radio (great way to keep in touch with people back in the UK)

Bicycling

Running (especially if you wind up entering running events, particularly the charity based ones where they're running to help gain funds for research about some illness/disease/etc)




Anyway, to answer your basic question... Most of the friends I have now I either made in college or I made thanks to religion. I'm not talking superficial friends either, they are very close friends who would have my back no matter what is going on.

RickWG

I've been here 20 years, not been back to the UK once, no intention either.

Rose tea

Gosh, Holliver, what a predicament.

I moved to the US right after uni. My intention was to study here for a couple of years, get my MA, and then go back to the UK: 7 years later I'm still in the US, married to an American. If you'd told me that, back when I got on that plane 7 years ago, I would be leaving the UK for good, I don't know what I would have said: it certainly wasn't my intention. I have days where I just stare at photos of the UK online and I feel a pain in my heart that I can't describe. The county is going on without me, and I'm not there.

However, over time the US has come to feel very much like home, and I could imagine that for someone who always has a return in to the UK in the back of her mind, this could be very frustrating. I think you're wise to recognise that you're not going back to the UK in 10 years if you move to the US. It could happen, of course - but the more you settle in (buy a house, have a kid, etc) the less easy it becomes to move, and the less sense it makes. Uprooting your life to go to another country for another person is a big commitment to them, and on the one hand it could be a great adventure, but on the other hand it could leave you brokenhearted. Good luck with whatever you decide. The US can be a great place to live.

In terms of where to meet people: I met people through my degree, but only a couple are actual friends today. The rest I met through work, or through my husband. We are also lucky that we have neighbours we like enough to hang out with. I partly moved to the Southwest to get away from people, so I'm not the most sociable person out there I have also made friends through various volunteer gigs, that is a good place to start. Superficial people in the US are really no different from superficial people anywhere else, I can spot them pretty quickly and I cut them off after that.

Holliver

Blimey, thank you Ohio, you sure did give me more than half a dozen paragraphs on this. Thanks. All good advice which I shall bear in mind when I eventually get over to the US.