inquisitive40

Sometimes getting financially screwed over is not always intentional either. My wife has her credit screwed because her ex-husband didn't pay a lot of divorce decreed bills until they went to collection, screwed both their credit.
Patrick

inquisitive40

Divorce is dictated by the state you live in. Is no different to divorcing another USC.
Patrick

Noorah101

If you live in a community property state, any assets that were purchased after your marriage can be considered joint property and joint responsibility, no matter whose name it's in....including credit cards.

Just see a regular divorce attorney. He can properly advise you as to you and your husband's financial ties together.

Best Wishes,
Rene

jeffreyhy

Randie,

Don't bet on that. It appears that there are at least a few things that you didn't realize about your husband. And even if you are correct about this today, his thoughts may change in the future.

Contact friends and acquaintences for recommendations on a divorce attorney, then go interview them. No matter how much of an angel your husband is, find the most experienced junk-yard-dog divorce attorney in the area. Because if you don't, and he does......

Good luck.

JEff

meauxna

Sez you, Randie. You might have no idea what he would or wouldn't want. do yourself a favor and gather together any/all important documents (including your personal data like SS#, banking details etc) and keep them somewhere safe for the time being.
A little healthy paranoia may end up being in your own best interests.

USA & Pakistan

Have you discussed all of this with you husband? Have you told him that you are feeling left out? You guys have come so far to throw it all away after 2 weeks with his son. You may be right and maybe this is not going to work, but it is just so sad, especially if there is any way to work thru it.

I dont know about the culture in Peru, but maybe that is something that you two need to talk about to sort out family members' roles. I know that my fiance was surprised to hear that men help with the cooking and cleaning!

Only you can decide how to proceed. Take care of yourself. I am just hoping for you that maybe this situation can improve with some more communication.

Marnee

cindyabs

Indeed, the man I was married to for almost 24 years and the man I divorced and then took to court for back alimony inhabited the same body but I would have sworn it was Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde........

Randie

======================
I know that for starters, we need to be alone, just me and him. It's too early in the marriage [our first 3 months under the same roof] to bring someone along. The deal was that his son was going to live elsewhere. My husband and I were doing fine until his son's arrival. A spat every now and them but we always resolved our issues and were becoming closer and closer. I feel I was lied to. Now - I feel very strongly about his son wanting to keep his mother's image alive and I can't live with that threat, particularly when my husband seems to side with him in everything. I intend to have a long conversation with my husband [alone] and tell him how I feel [again] about our situation. I get easily upset when I don't seem to get through to him and wind up telling him I no longer care to live like this. Unhappy in my own home. Now - looking back at the last 10 years of living by myself, seem like sweet ole days. I hope this is resolved with a happy ending for everyone. Son has to go though. And second son - 18 yr old scheduled to arrive in Jan 2005, I guess that is pending and most likely it won't happen. I hope my husband's apology this evening [I feel one coming] is not because of his immigrant status being threatened but because he loves me.

inquisitive40

This is something we all have to live with when entering into a relationship where there are children from previous relationships involved. Personally I moved in with my wife and she has two children, one of which is autistic. The autistic son can be violent and I have been bitten several times by him, her daughter felt very possessive about her mom for a long time (even still gets that way from time to time) and it also put a lot of stress on us. Also something I had to deal with was living with her and her children while my own children resided back home with my ex-wife, this was the hardest of all.
Through all this we knew we loved each other and so have soldiered on. Relationships can be hard BUT if there is true love, the rewards can be greater.
Patrick

Rete

I have to side with the others. You have been married two years. Regardless of how little you have lived together, he has still been your husband in name for those two years and as such might be entitled to his 1/2 of your assets accumulated during those two years at the very least. It is expensive to fund a family of four and that is apparently of what he, his sainted former wife, and two adult children need ... funding.

Rete

Rete

Since you obviously love him, I do hope that you get that apologies. But taken a look at the whole picture, I wonder why you thought your marriage was to him alone? You knew up front there were two sons involved in this marriage and even if they were not to live with you, they were to be a part of your lives. In many cultures, children remain a constant and intruding part of your life even when they are adults. Hell, mine are 33 adn 36 and my husband's son is 40. Believe me, although they don't live with us, many of our decisions and discussions about centered around all three of them and their various at the moment situations.

It is so very true that when you marry a divorced person, that person comes with baggage. And in the case of that person having children from a previous relationship, the baggage is now a steamer truck.

Rete

meauxna

er, my comments were responding to her saying that her husband would not want any of her property.
I say: he just might, and your argument seems to uphold that.

If she has doubts and her sniffer is giveing her clues, it can't hurt to keep track of her own sensitive information. See JEff's comment.

Deanjay

Hi Randie,

Please allow me to share some of my own experience and insight from it with
you. This is going to take a while, but I will shorten where I can.

I, like your husband am from another culture. I dare add that it is one in
which the woman is definitely the 'lesser' partner. I had lived studied and
worked here in the states for about 4 years before I met my wife.

Having being quite properly immersed in American culture for that length of
time, I of course assumed I knew it all. I was proud at how well I had
adapted. I was wrong. There are certain things that don't change naturally.
For us, that became apparent about 3 months after we were married.

To cut a long story short, there were things I had to be clued in on. For
instance:


1. The wife has a say in matters of money, intimate relations, kids,
priorities, plans in-laws and most any detail involving either of us.

2. She is the most important person, the most important woman in the world
to me--she better be. That's why I married her and not anyone else.

3. Anything that concerns her, no matter absurd I think it is, is important
enough for my attention and deserves a good long discussion.

4. Her happiness and well-being are foremost among my concerns.


These are things that should usually be established during dating. Probing,
testing and determining whether this guy really loves you and what not.
Unfortunately most of us blow past all that and eagerly blurt out the
"I-Dos."

So now, we're 3 months in and we're both starting to feel like we each got a
raw deal. What were we going to do? Well, one thing that helped, which I do
not gather from your situation, is that I did not marry her for a Green Card
and she knew that. Secondly, we were able to communicate well I loved her
enough to listen and change where necessary. Third, we sat down and
determined what our priorities were, determined the items we
agreed/disagreed on, determined our responsibilities to each other and
clarified what our roles in this life-long relationship were gong to be.
Lastly, we both agreed that divorce was off the table.

Now, I understand that in your case, you do not have some of the luxuries we
had. Being alone was essential to this. Although we had both been in
relationships that had ended badly, there were no previous spouses or past
lovers looming on the horizon.

Having said all that, add these suggestions to the others:


1. You need to talk to him about these things in a strong matter-of fact
manner. You need to make him understand that your having to provide for his
family is unacceptable. Doing this is a way that is firm, but not totally
adversarial can be tricky. This is where counseling comes in.

2. If communication/language is a barrier, that is something you will want
to fix ASAP. If this is not already the case, you will need to get him
comfortable with confiding in you and discussing his thoughts with you.

3. You need the influence of another man in this situation. A friend might
work, but preferably someone who is older and cares a whole lot about
you...like your dad, or an older brother. [In my culture, there is a formal
introduction that the girl brings the guy to her family for. It is customary
for her brothers, male cousins and their friends to drag the man aside and
explain in detail all the painful things they will do to him should she ever
come home crying. They then collect the gifts he has brought and wish them
well] I'm not suggesting Gestapo tactics, but he is more likely to behave
himself and thing/talk things through knowing that there is/are one or more
massive bulldogs in the vicinity and they are on your side.

4. Establish boundaries. This is an addendum to #1. In addition to feelings,
emotions and some of those less substantive items, you need to be in
agreement on the 'big 4' : money, in-laws, religion and kids.


Until these things are settled, you are in danger of becoming one of the
majority in America's marriage statistics. despite everyone's advice, all
else may fail and you may end up with a broken heart, but remember that even
couples who are both USCs sometimes need to separate temporarily to sort
things out. It's wise to do common-sense thigns to protect yourself, but you
don't always have to ditch. Don't throw your marriage away out of fear.

Thanks for lending your ear.


Dean.


    >> =============
    >> thanks Ian - good thing I haven't put his name in anything. I
    >> haven't even changed my name. He's not the kind of person to profit
    >> from my property or finances but I could be wrong. You're write -
    >> better safe than sorry.
    >> thank you!
    >> Randie

USA & Pakistan

Thank you for sharing. You offer a unique view point and good advice.

Marnee

Noorah101

I second Marnee's thanks. It was nice of you to share your personal information and shed light on the topic.

Best Wishes,
Rene