BillBart1

We're going through a very rocky time at mo and friends have said that emigrating will finish us for good.

Has anyone any views/suggestions etc.

Thanks

Bill

dunroving

I would agree with your friends. Emigration puts a lot of pressure on you and will test your marriage at the best of times (I've seen it first-hand). I would stay put and work through your problems before considering emigrating.

karen wild

i am in the same position and that is why i am probably going to withdaw my application (been thinkin of it since nov).
i would not risk it as things will most likely get nasty. i have even said that if he wants to go, then he will still need to gem up on canadian divorce law!!!
i resent the fact that he never helped with the application and hardly spoke to me whilst i did the application last year. i had to do all the chasing up and it was difficult for him to even write up his resume.
the characteristics for emigrating is motivation, being responsive to change and having a shared vision. as a couple we do not have that. i even envy those couples who form a joint name when they sign onto these forums, e.g shaz-and-dave. how pathetic is that.
emigrating will not repair anything and i suspect many couples have learned lots about each other by just gathering the info!
i do not feel too gloomy as i have a good nursing job here and good prospects!

jad n rich

Emigrating puts stress on a good marriage let alone a bad one. Are there kids involved, most of the expat marriages ive seen break up have kids, you are talking nightmare emotionally and often legally if the parents end up living in different countires. Mates of ours split, shes returning to UK with 1 kid, he wont let both kids go so the other ones staying in OZ. Hardly the 'dream' they envisaged 2 years ago.

chance to be

i would not emigrate until u have really sorted out any issues within your marriage. some issues we thought were not issues any more came up since weve been here - the long and the short of it is that i go back to uk in 3weeks time with kids and OH is staying in Oz a while. Like jad and rich said, hardly the "dream" i imagined. its been an absolute nightmare for both of us. hopefully going back will give us the opportunity to regroup and sing from the same songsheet again - but it'd been far better if we'd not gone in the first place in lots of ways. good luck with your marriage - i hope u sort things out.
c x

dingbat

From bitter experience...don't go. The laws over here are drachonian anyway when it comes to divorce, access rights and child support, (although getting child support out of a determined non-payor is impossible anywhere in the world). If you have kids, whether they are UK citizens or not, you could find yourself kept in a country you hate just because one partner refuses to negotiate access outside of the province. NOT GOOD! :scared:

woodyinoz

You never know how emigrating will effect a relationship however strong or weak... I guess it could strengthen things or weaken them.

I ended up single here and soon realised how hard things are without family support however the kids where much better off here than trying to afford two smaller homes in the UK. Thankfully for us things sorted themselves out and we are now blissfully back together and much stronger for it. We are now heading home as I realised how important family is during those months.

I guess that at the end of the day if you both emigrate knowing that things could turn for the worse and you both feel that your new country can still offer you what you need even as singles then go for it. Never do the move to fix things though!

moneypenny20

I'd put it on a par with imagining having a baby will fix a marriage. Both in my opinion are a recipe for disaster. If there are problems there now, the stress of migrating, and being away from family will just make things even worse.

Stop in the UK and work at it. Good luck

blowers

Hi Bill,

I would agree with what most people have said below, but would just like to offer a bit of an alternative viewpoint. I was in a v rocky relationship back home and after years of being messed around and my OH having cold feet about Australia, I came out on my own to give it a go.
I have missed friends and family so much that I have decided to go home after 6 months. Although this looks like its an unsuccessful story, for me, personally, its the best thing I ever did. It has given me the perspective and space to realise what a crapfest my relationship was

It's tough on your own, and although I have not lasted that long here, the experience has made me a lot stronger and tougher and has helped me realise my own worth really.
So what i would say is that if you think you want to really make your relationship work, then stay where you are and work at it. If you think deep down that your partner is never going to make you happy, and that you want to emigrate, regardless of coupled or single status, then go ahead and make that leap! Altho I am going back, its been a really good experience for me.

V best of luck with it all

Suzie B

newkiwi

Either that or you will realise how much you need each other and bring you closer together. If you have serious problems it will probably expose those. But you would have to ask yourself if you dont come over how are you going to address what is a tough time already.........

R2D2

Absolutely...................you need to be solid as a rock before even considering such a gigantic move. Also, BOTH sides need to be as committed to the move and as keen as eachother, or one could start blaming the other for any little hiccup or difficulty they may encounter along the way.
So many emotions come into play when you become a migrant, many you never expected, and you need lots of time and support from your partner to make it through successfully.
We are lucky, as we have come through the journey so far, as happy as we ever have been (I'm sure I'm speaking for both of us here) and our lives are just being enhanced by our new location. Long may it last.!!!!
But we do know of a couple who came to Canada a few years ago and have since gone their separate ways. When I asked her if coming to Canada was the cause of the problem,.....she said 'it didn't help matters'. I deduced from that, that maybe things were not that great beforehand.

AdobePinon

What blowers said. I spent years trying to make something work that was doomed from the start. You only live once. Follow your heart.

BillBart1

Thanks guys.

All comments appreciated. Still don't know what going to do but hearing your views helps me look at this from different perspectives.

Bill

ladyofthelake

If you don't sort out the problems which made things rocky in the first place, they will travel with you to your new country. It's baggage we carry with us and it doesn't get left behind when we move. Add to that all the stress which we all come under when moving to a new country, and it is a recipe for disaster.
Work on making your marriage absolutely rock solid first, then re-evaluate whether a move would still be right for you. The reasons you have for wanting to emigrate at the moment, may not be there once your relationship is on a better kiel.

Alberta_Rose

But for all that the others have said, there may be a different story.

We were going though a rocky patch before we decided to come out here .... in fact I was going to come out for "a holiday", on my own, and quite thought I'd not be going back!

In point of fact, things came to a head before that ...(in a fairly major way ), but after the dust settled, we found ourselves really starting talk again. Hubby needed some persuading that it was ok for him to come with me and leave the kids with grandparents, and we had what we thought was the holiday of a lifetime! Saw how friends of ours lived out here, and absolutely fell in love with Calgary and the Rockies.

I was hesitant to suggest that we move out here, as I wondered if he'd say yes just to keep me happy, and then when it'd all go bad it'd all be MY fault. I worried all through the process, as I was always the prime mover in getting everything done, and doing all the research etc.

I have to say though, what a positive effect it has had on all of our lives! It has brought the whole family together in the most wonderful way. We actually FEEL like a family now, rather than 4 people who happened to live in the same house. The difference in the boys is indescribable. I'm not convinced hubby is 100% happy at work ... there are highs and lows that he is unused to, and he's not a great roller-coaster fan , but we'll see, ... we'll see. Personally I love love love it here.