SouthernGal_67

Hi all,

Have read a lot of posts here about couples who, due to various circumstances, have been separated by distance and now I'm in that situation, despite trying to stay positive, I have to say it sucks

I'd love to know how others coped with this and any hints to keep the romance alive across the miles.

Cheers

Mummy in the foothills

Yes it sucks, not sure how we did it, I saw Dh for only 6 weeks in a year one time. I don't want to do that again.
We did talk on the phone once a week (cost a lot back then) and Dh would send Ds small parcels with sweets and hot wheels in. I kept busy working.

quoll

Think I might be the poster girl for long distance relationships - long long time ago now (we have been married 36 years so that may give you hope) my now DH and I wrote (you remember letters, those things on paper, in envelopes with stamps via airmail= the last time that BA registered a profit LOL) to each other for 3 years before we got married. We had about 3 phone calls in that time - at L1 a minute they were like gold dust - and were together for less than 6 weeks in each other's company by the time we actually got married. I dont know why it worked for us - it wasnt easy but I knew the minute I clapped eyes on him that he would be the man I would marry (I really did hear a voice in my head telling me that the moment he walked in the door).

I would imagine (perhaps naively) that it would be so much easier now what with email, skype, sms etc - the Dh and I manage with sms and email when I go home for 6 weeks at a time and the occasional phone call.

OTOH my son was planning a long distance relationship with his gf of 2 years = he in UK and she in Moscow but it fizzled within the first few weeks (nice girl but I am not sorry that it happened). He is currently in a long distance relationship with his current girlfriend - he in Yorkshire and she in London. I dont ask how that is going - she is a needy kind of girl but has managed with him being out of London for the past couple of years (they used to work in the same office every day so it was a monster change for them).

Anyway, good luck with it - it can work!!!!

luvwelly

Back in the early 1980s, I spent an academic year apart from my now OH of more years than I care to remember....during that time, I saw him only at Christmas and Easter.
It must be much easier now to do this, we couldn't afford to chat on phone as I was in a different country and we used to write long weekly letters to each other (we were both missing each other) and send.. wait for it...cassette tapes...so if you love each other..it can be done for a short period..with no lasting damage to the relationship but as ever it can either be 'out of sight, out of mind' or 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' ...the actual strength of your underlying relationship will likely determine which it is. It is not easy but we both had a firm end date in sight..in a more open-ended timeframe it would be much harder I'm sure.

SouthernGal_67

Thanks for sharing your comments guys. I guess it would seem a lot easier to keep the lines of communication open nowadays, what with email, messengers etc. It's just unfortunate that my OH is completely computer illiterate

During the days when I'm busy doing stuff is alright, it's the evenings and nights when I can't sleep that it's a challenge.

Reading your experiences has given me optimism that if you can do it, I can too, so thanks again

Elaine B.

My OH works away from home for weeks and months at a time and he's usually in a different timezone. I guess over the years I've just got used to it but it still sucks at times. On the plus side we don't get bored with each other

One thing that I find helps along with email, skype etc. is to plan something fun for the two of you to do after he gets home.

How long are you going to be apart?

MartynK

I've been through this a few times - most recently for 3 years - and it might be on the cards again. It can be tough, and I'm not looking forward to it, but that's another story.

Skype, email and messenger/text services do make it a bit easier, compared with the days of airmail and very occasional phone calls (which weren't all that long ago, if you're middle aged like me!). The other thing I found, which a previous poster also mentioned, is that drawn out separations, with no end in sight, are harder than a separation for a fixed period, when you know exactly when it will come to an end.

I didn't find the evenings/nights too much of a problem, but the weekends and other times when I didn't have very much to do used to get me down a bit. You start realising just how much of life revolves around people "in relationships" and we were used to doing everything together. I had one particular friend (who happened to be female) who would have been happy to go out for the day, or to movies, or for dinner, but I knew that she was lonely too, and I had a strong sense that it would get complicated, sooner or later, and end up hurting people. Just my personal experience.

times up

Skype and email are put forward as the saviours of the modern age long distant relationship but they can also be the tools of destruction. Why ? you ask. Well simply because they tie you to specific places and specific times, both of which are unnatural in a relationship.

I've gone through a long ago telephone and letter relationship and also a modern long distance relationship with affordable telephone calls and computer hook ups but you find yourself pinned to the computer because the other one has made the effort. Nothing is spontaneous and if you miss an "appointment", then accusations and guilt can rise.

I'm not saying it cannot work, just that Skype et al are not the saviours of relationships they are made out to be.

Kirstine

I'm facing a long distance relationship in a couple of weeks too and it worries the hell outta me!! We've been together four and a half years and have been pretty much inseparable!

I'm gonna be relying alot on Skype, video calls, etc, although I'll only be able to do that at weekends as he'll be working until 4.30 everyday and with the 7 hour time difference I'll be in bed by the time he gets home. I plan to get Skype credits though so I can call his mobile during his lunch break when I can! Then there's instant messenger, Facebook, email, etc.

I'm hoping it won't be too bad, as I'll have my friends and family to keep me sane.

SouthernGal_67

4 months, with 2 months 1 week and 5 days left.. yeah i'm counting Compared to those who have been separated by distance for a lot longer, I guess it sounds a bit feeble getting my knickers in a twist, but we'd been living together over a year and apart for very little of that time..

I've been through this a few times - most recently for 3 years - and it might be on the cards again. It can be tough, and I'm not looking forward to it, but that's another story.

Good luck Martyn

Skype, email and messenger/text services do make it a bit easier, compared with the days of airmail and very occasional phone calls (which weren't all that long ago, if you're middle aged like me!)

Nah I'm 42, still a youngster The net does make communication more accessible true, though I do find it irritatingly easy to misconstrue emails and sms, without the luxury of body language and seeing facial expressions..

You start realising just how much of life revolves around people "in relationships" and we were used to doing everything together.

Yes that's right! I found myself describing it recently as being in a relationship but not feeling part of one..It's so different 'telling' someone about your experiences than going through them together, made more challenging by time differences.. like.."4 hours ago, when you were asleep, I was upset about blah blah" or "had a great time doing" whatever.. relaying the info just doesn't cut it..

I had a strong sense that it would get complicated, sooner or later, and end up hurting people. Just my personal experience[/QUOTE]

and I thank you for sharing it. I've known a couple of people who've 'complicated' things and yeah it did cause a lot of hurt for those involved.. both times alcohol related .. and once the trust was gone that was it...


Having 'missed an appointment' recently I can totally get what you're saying. It wasn't helped by the fact that my Vodafone seems to be choosing when to send my sms's and when not to!

Yes I'd imagine that'd help a lot having family and friends around Kirstine and with you having experience of being away from them it'll no doubt help you through the coming separation Good luck

luvwelly

I agree with this..it will not work unless you both deliberately stay away from temptation .
I have observed that this is a particular problem for 'stay at home' Dads....it must be awful for them but the 'stay at home' Mums stay away for those reasons exactly and it must be very lonely for them.

Or maybe MartynK you and I are just hopelessly oldfashioned and careful .

Makingthemove

My OH and I were originally a 'holiday romance' He lived in the Isle of Man and I lived in Manchester. OK, so we are not talking about thousands of miles here but here are my tips:

* Text/email lots - even if only to say good morning, i miss you
* Do not underestimate the power of receiving an unanticipated letter or parcel. Getting a card saying "I miss you" was worth its weight in gold
* Keep your little "in-jokes" - ours were comedy glasses and I sent him a pair accompanied by Kodak photos of me wearing them
* Make the effort - you may be up to here with the kids, work etc but when you get chance to see them, don't complain that they weren't here for this, that etc, concentrate on how glad you are to see them
* A surprise visit is ace - my OH turned up when I was cleaning out the shed, in my scruffs, up to my ears in old bikes etc, but we soon disappeared for some "us time"

You can make it work, but it does take some effort - 6 years we are still together and looking over our old letters and notes make us realise it was worth it!

SouthernGal_67

What a great post, thank you! Your last comment really struck a cord with me. What can I do now that we can look back on in years to come.. Distance can be a great opportunity to do different things that perhaps wouldn't be done when living together or seeing one another often, like letters and parcels, cards etc.. I sent him 3 roses through a local florists yesterday.. This morning I'm woken with a phone call from him saying how surprised and touched he was Thanks again

Makingthemove

Brilliant - hope all goes well!

brits1

My OH works away, sometimes for a couple of months (if out of Aus) at first it was hard (although we had met while my OH was in the Royal Navy...and yes I still have all our letters..lol) especially as this time I did not have family and I suppose decent friends around me...but it has made me stronger...we both had to adjust to both of our changes...me nagging him about little things...you know toilet seat..etc...mind you I always did have to nag him about that...lol...but nowadays...although in some ways it is still hard...we seem to talk more and when my Oh is home we spend quality time together...I still would prefer my Oh to be home but that is his work and he enjoys that...hates being away so long though..so really just try and keep communitcating and if and when you can spend time together make it a real quality time...kind of thing....and good luck...really if you have no choice...just take each days as it comes and try not to worry so much about the other person...that really can take it out of you...