How to stop dithering?
 

I don't usually bear all on forums, but I am interested in how others moved forward.

I am in my late 30's married to an Australian with two small children, 4 and ababy. I came to Australia 10 years ago, for my partner and to escape after 9 years in London, which by the end had got a stale and didn't suit.

I am originally from the north.

I now live a comfortable if conventional life, with a few good friends and OK job, my career has gone backwards since moving to Oz. But at the mo I am concentrating on family instead.

I cannot however get rid of this feeling of not having settled, it eats away at me all the time. It comes in waves but doesn't ever go away.
I have parents, sister and her family in the UK. I feel my move to Oz has put a strain on some of my family, as they miss me and my children. My parents make a huge effort to visit, although as they get older this will be curtailed.

I find the journey back, with kids, very stressful and feel that I don't want to do it very often. My partner has a good job which supports us with very supportive people, his family live close by and are OK but obviously not mine. He is supportive of trying something different in the UK, but is worried about practicalities.

I feel trapped in a dilemma, go back and start again, with two small kids, or keep the status quo.

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

Hi Beatle!

I don't think this is an easy decision for anyone, and many of us have had to make this decision at some time or another. I have gone back and forth myself over the past few years and can relate to the feeling of not quite having settled. Sure, I feel like I have accepted day-to-day life here (USA), but there has always been an underlying feeling that this is not quite home. Add to that how much I miss family and they miss me, and the birth of my son last year (my parents first grandchild) and the pull is even greater.

Financial health and job status is definitely an important consideration. I haven't had the best luck finding a good job and neither has my husband, so I don't feel we would be giving up much in that area if we moved, but if one of us did have a good job that would definitely be a consideration. However, I feel that simply going a long with things because they are comfortable and because immigration can be challenging probably shouldn't be the only reason you stay.

I am afraid of tackling the immigration process, moving with children, and finding a new job etc., but I feel that those are obstacles that can be overcome. I have family who are getting older and I fear more that I will lose the rest of our time together if I stay here. As it is, we only get to see each other once a year and i don't think that's enough for me. My husbands family are lovely, but that doesn't make up for the loss of time with my own family.

If your spouse is willing to explore the possibility of moving, I would at least look into your options as far as jobs go and start getting a feel for what needs to be done and how you might go about it. Maybe things will look clearer and not so scary once you plan afew things.

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

....How to stop dithering?

....well maybe think about it for a bit and then decide :o

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

At least your children are young, so you don't have to consider (as much) about interrupting schooling or leaving one behind because they have met someone they want to settle down with. I moved back to the UK when mine were young, never regretted it (although times were easier then). If they had been older and didn't want to move back with me, then that would have meant I wouldn't have moved back - I would not want to live on a different continent from my children, unless they chose to emigrate now, they have the benefit of having US passports, so can live in the UK or USA with no long winded processes to go through

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

Sounds simple and straighforward! Why didn't I think of that.



I like the standard of living, space and physical beauty of Australia. I hated the overcrowding, pace of life of UK. It is scary to move and I don't want to ping pong. Perhaps I could but not with kids.

Anyone else hate that journey.

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

Been there, done that, wearing the t shirt. The first 10 years werent too bad for me either in a mixed marriage with an Australian but that sense of alienation, which was perfectly liveable initially, just grew and grew to the point where I figured we were at a place in our lives where we could return to where I belonged. However the DH had other ideas and no way on this earth was he going to live in UK. As I said, the first 10 years were OK, the second 10 were something of a drudge as we raised the kids and the last 10 were awful - trapped, resentful, expensive etc.

So, I would say - what have you got to lose by giving it a go? If you dont feel like you belong in Australia after 10 years (and some of us just never feel that way) then work at sourcing an opportunity to get you back to UK and see what happens. If you just swan along on the road of least resistance then you will find yourself drifting past the point of no return.

For me, the opportunity came when my aged parents could no longer care for themselves independently so I am living here in their place (not ideal, but better than nothing) and the once obstinate DH has been amazing and is making the very best of his life here (and he does the trips back for rellies). For me, I have myself back again, not some pastiche of me!!!! I am so busy (as a retiree/carer) and just in awe of the beauty that surrounds me and the variety that is within such a short distance.

Apply for a job, book a ticket to get a job etc do something!

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

The journey is truly horrible and expensive.

I know the unsettled feeling you have, and in my experience, it never goes away... and like Quoll said, it gets worse as the years go by.

If I was you, I would grab the chance to go back to the UK with the kids while they are still young enough to not be disrupted (otherwise, your windows for opportunity become harder) and try to re-settle in the country in the UK, away from the city crowds.

All the best.

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

How are your plans coming on Brissy? Or have you decided to stay there in "God's country?" :unsure:

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

Doing time 'til kid finishes senior at school.

Have decided to wait two more years then, all being well, off for a good spell in the UK with Aussie husband and kid on gap year.

Hopefully they will like it enough to stay.

Husband's kids (from ex) and his work make for a few more challenges!

Thanks for asking B. x

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

I understand where you are coming from, after living in Oz for 17 years and my Australian other half not entertainng the idea of returning to the uk, he has now given the green light to go back if that is what I want - you would think this would make the move easy but now its me dithering and worrying about jobs and money. We both have good jobs here in Brisbane and it worries me that we won't be able to find good jobs in the UK or we get there and we hate it - although I love the cold and love going back when I do return. I think of the UK and my family (all of whom are in the UK) every day, and each trip back to the UK gets harder and harder, the longing of home never goes away. My husband's family have never really welcomed me so I don't regard them as my family as they regard me as an 'outsider'. But in saying all this I am still struggling with the 'will we' or 'won't we'! The comfortable and safe approach would be to stay here and keep making the long haul trips back with that big emotional heartache at the end of each trip. Its a tough decision - I hope you come to a decision that you are happy with, good luck, sorry for long reply but just letting you know you are not alone. :)

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

Just bear in mind that the UK is still in recession and jobs are not that easy to come by.

I would do a financial/job reccie before upping sticks.

I wish you all the best in wherever you decide to live.:thumbup:

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

I guess the advice would be the same as if going in the other direction - dont burn any bridges, take a career break, rent out your house, try and source work before you leave etc.

Dont drift past the point of no return, if you really arent happy in Australia then being trapped there is a whole lot worse, believe me!

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

The UK hasn't been in recession for 18 months and depending on where you are living here and where you are going in the UK there could be little or no difference in the unemployment rate. Where we are the rate is 9% and where we are going in the UK is around half that. The same would be true for many others of course.

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

Well it was when we left in Sept 2010.

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

You realise it is now January 2012 don't you ? :) The recession actually ended in the summer of 2009.

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

An official link would be good. :)

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

To be honest it really isn't hard to find out when the recession ended, a Google search gave me the exact answer in about 2 minutes.

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

Google is too complex. :D

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

:lol:

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

:lol: Bloody hell how old are you. :rofl:

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

Well I ask it a question and I get a million answers. It takes days to read them all!

I dunno how Chris does it in two minutes. :lol:

I'm 45 btw.

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

:lol:

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

Well I have a few years on you and I just read the first 5 ;)

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

Might not still be in recession (tho 2012's another story), but 0-1.5% annual growth (compared to 4% in Aus), an economy which remains smaller than in 2007, a currency less valuable than toilet paper and 5% inflation against virtually nil wage growth will sure feel like one for most folk.

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

Growth in comparison to other countries is irrelevant, isn't China growing at something like 9% ? I don't know anyone who hasn't had a pay rise, the UK's 4.8% inflation is hardly horrendous compared to Australia's 3.6 really.
Can I ask why you are thinking/planning of going back if things are so bad ?

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

You've gone from quoting stats when that supports the argument to saying "I don't know anyone who hasn't had a pay rise". A 2% payrise is no use when inflation is more than twice that.

UK wages, on average, are not rising at anything like 4.8%. Australia's are keeping up with inflation. Big difference. It means most people in the UK are relatively poorer than they used to be.

I'm not sure why you would say, on an Expat Forum, that relative growth rates are irrelevant. If Australia's economy keeps growing at 3-4% for a decade whilst the UK's languishes then clearly that is going to be relevant to a lot of expats.

The short answer to your question is because my folks, friends and former (and potentially future) employers live there.

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

That would be true if everyone here got at least a 3.6% pay rise here which of course they don't. The opposite is also true, it certainly isnt true to say that everyone or even the majority in the UK are getting zero wage rise.
I have lived in Brisbane 10 years and everyone I know says the same thing, it is getting more and more expensive to live here. If wages were keeping pace then the rises we are seeing wouldn't be an issue. Why are charities stretched to the limit ?
I dare say no one knows whether this economy or indeed any other will continue growing at 3-4% for the next decade, they are constantly downgrading the growth rate almost quarterly as it is. My thoughts are that people in both countries and indeed most other countries have seen their standard of living slipping back.
The growth rate of either country has never and will never have even the slightest affect on my decision where to live. Life is too short to worry about that sort of thing. Just get out there and live where you want to :thumbup:

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

I can certainly agree that individual circumstances are not necessarily reflected by economic stats. Individual circumstances warrant individual decisions.

The price of housing here has become absurd, and is perhaps not reflected fully in inflation stats.

Sadly, I have read that a lot of the demand for charity services in Qld comes from Kiwis who fall on hard times and aren't eligible for govt assistance (or Aus citizenship).

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

At the end of the day if anyone wants to move to another country then just do it and forget the statistics and rhetoric.
I'm not sure about your last point, scapegoats maybe ?

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

No, just a direct response to your question about charities.

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

...and it will still have a vastly bigger economy than somewhere like NZ:lol:

Re: How to stop dithering?
 

It all sounds good to me on paper, nothing is rarely perfect, life is not like that....that mind sound harsh and I am sorry if it does,you have a good husband, not bad job, okay in laws, thats more than most....your family in the UK will have by now be in a routine without you in full time in their lives.....thats nature and sometimes hard as you feel left out at times, the journey home is a long one especially with young children but your lucky to have family visit you. You have to be honest and open with yourself, if life in Aus is good then thats not a bad way to live but if you are honestly not settled and miss the UK and having your family nearer to you and your children then think about a move back. Careers can be picked up after your raise your children, parents get older and leave us eventually hopefully not for years but its life, you really have to think what will make you happy and what is going to be good for you and your immediate family ie children and husband. Good luck