saledevo

Hi everyone;

I have been reading the threads here for quite a long time and I try to be patient like everyone else, but I am also frustrated. My first NOA is dated July1 from the NSC so I know I am in for the long haul. The thing I haven't really read much about is the mindset of all of you ... how you cope. My fiance and I have not been apart more than 3 months in 3 years.. YET. It's been 2 months now and next week I get to fly to the UK (my second trip this year) to spend 12 SHORT days with him. I am looking forward to it, yet I am not because I know how wonderful it is to be togther and how torturtous it is to separate again! We have done this at least 20 times in the past 3 years and it never gets any easier. What I have found I do when he's gone, is to withdraw into myself and virtually shut-out the rest of the world..except for these newsgroups and INS websites! I don't see friends much or get out because I am too miserable! Does this make sense?

I just want him to get his K-1, get over here so we can start our life together! I almost wish there were someone else in my situation near me (chicago) who I could go for a drink with and co-miserate! No one I know has a clue about what we all here go through.. all my friends and relatives seem to not be curious at all about this stuff, and when I start to get into it, they just shrug their shoulders. Do you know what I mean?

I'm no kid, I am 40 years old and my fiance is 45, we've both been married and divorced and have kids of our own. Yes we met on the net but lots of you have also.. but I NEVER in my wildest dreams imagined falling in love with someone from across the pond. I guess I have to look at it this way: I'm lucky to have the privilage of all of these challenges.

Anyway, after all that drivvel, I guess I was wondering if anyone else has "cocooned" themselves like I have, due to circumstances???

Rete

Speaking only for myself, no I did not cocoon myself when Jim and I were separated during the processing. Although we lived in adjoining countries, due to time, circumstances, weather and finances, we were not as fortunate as you to be able to spend all of three years minus three months together.

Although we loved one another life went on for both us. I worked full time and still enjoyed social functions and activities alone and with friends. Please understand I am speaking only of myself and for myself and my situation. I am a social creature. I enjoy life. I loved my then fiancee and now husband but he is not the end all of my social world. We like many different things and as such spend time apart from one another. This does not diminish in our eyes our marriage or feelings for each other. It allows us to pursue those activities that we as an individual enjoy. For instance I enjoy classical music and he is not a big fan. So I buy a ticket for Lincoln Center for a particular concert and enjoy the performance by myself. Or he enjoys, lives and breaths computers. So he will go off for the day to a computer show to see the newest offerings and talk to fellow computer techs like himself. I have girlfriends who like to gather once a month at each others home for dinner and scrabble and/or cards. The husbands are not invited and that is not a problem with any of them.

What I am trying to convey is all those activities are the same ones that I did before we were married but engaged. He is the love of my life, but for me, he is not my life. Am I saying this correctly. I would give my life for him but if he died, I would not die and would continue to live and enjoy what time in life I had left.

I hope that you stop separating yourself from family and friends. Now is the time that one needs the kindness of others to get through the missing times as you call them. If they seem uninterested they are of the process because it does not directly affect them not uninterested in you. Unless, of course, that is all you talk about when you are with them, your fiancee, your loneliness and the INS processing.

BTW my husband was 56 and I was 49 when we started the process in '98

Rete

saledevo

"we were not as fortunate as you to be able to spend all of three years minus three months together."



I'm sorry, I must have phrased my original account wrong; what I meant to say is that we have not spent more than 3 months apart at a time.. not three months total! I must have come across as sounding frivilous.

But as for me, after living in a hellish marriage for 16 years prior, and then meeting the love of my life, I have to say that he IS my life and I am not ashamed to admit it. We have the same interests and likes/dislikes. I wish I had the attitude that Rete has ~ but that is just not me.

I guess I will just enjoy my misery while it lasts! (which I hope isn't long!)
sal

Marc Sil

It's been about five and a half months since I've seen my wife. She lives in the
Eastern part of Cuba. Travel there is difficult for a few reasons. I own a small
business that does not allow frequent absences. I need to fly to Cuba through a
second country which adds to the expense, or take the charters which are a complete
rip off. I'm also conflicted about visiting. I want to see her very much, but I
really don't want to "visit" her again. I'm DONE with that! I simply want to start
my life again after so long on pause. To go and leave, still not having any idea of
when she will be here is a very difficult thing to consider. I plan to be there for
her interview, but at least that would be a situation where I have some idea of what
is going on.

I can certainly empathise with you, though i wish I could only sympathise!

I'm tired of the questions, of other peolpe who mean well "brainstorming" ideas of
how to get her here when they are completely f@#king clueless about what is involved.
If one more person says "why doesn't she just get in a raft like the others?" I might
just punch his or her lights out, and I've not had a physical confrontation in my
life since I was 7 years old. The system is arbitrary, inefficiant, capricious, and
just plain broken!

So yeah, I am missing her. My wife, on the other hand, is more patient and
understanding than I am. Perhaps her level of expectations is lower. The ironic
thing is that she has all of her documents for leaving Cuba (the despotic country
which holds it's people captive. Yeah, right!), and now we are worried about getting
the visa before they expire in April.

It's been about 20 months since this all began (the visa process). We have had just
terrible fortune, a K-1 interview the day after the WTC attack, now the mess at the
MSC and the recent stopage of issuing visas due to the Patriot act. And the last
thing I want to hear is some pablum about "how much better it will be when she
finally gets here." Screw that noise. The fact is that I am not all that sure that
that will ever happen. I will say that I will not go down without a fight. I guess
that is my way of dealing with this. I am focusing on developing materials to raise
a rutkus if we do not get approved. I'm preparing a "press kit" with the entire
story, and photos. If my back gets put against the wall I'l send it out to every
major newspaper and to all of the more local TV newsrooms. I'm also attempting to
develop contacts with a Congressman in a nearby district who is of Cuban decent.
I'll go guerilla and bring it to public notice. How about standing outside the local
INS office with a sign that says "WHY IS MY WIFE BEING HELD HOSTAGE IN CUBA BY THE US
GOVERNMENT?" All of this is, of course, only for the time when it is a very last
resort, but it is, at least for me, theraputic to "DO SOMETHING". Hopefully i will
not need to resort to such things.

Rete

Please don't misunderstand. I was not saying you should be like me or have my attitude.

You don't know me nor me you. You don't know how and why I view life and love the way I do.

In 1991 I was engaged to marry a wonderful man. We were together for 7 years. He died on February 23, 1991 in my arms of a massive heart attack while we waited for the ambulance. In October of 1991 I under went surgery for breast cancer. These two instances in my life made me realize that life not only goes on but life is a gift. No matter what happened or happens in my life since that year, I have enjoyed life and will continue to enjoy living, loving and pursuing all avenues that bring me pleasure and fulfillment. I grieved the lost of Bill for a long time after his death. I still think of him today. In fact today is his birthday and I offered up a "happy birthday" to him this morning. But my love for him didn't stop me from acknowledging a new love several years later that crossed paths with me. I've learned that no matter how dark the day is, the sun will once again shine and during those dark days, I do everything possible to light every light in my life to banish the darkness.

Hoping your love is with you soon and that all goes well with your life.

Rete

mdmd101

dear Saladevo:

Not only have I cacooned myself, but am drinking like a fish out of water since my wife got her first 221(g) on July 31st.

Furthermore, I feel guilty that my wife is suffering because of me (my prior two marriages). This is the first marriage for her, she could have married a "fresh" person and could have been in the US already.

I was feeling guilty and bad already and after getting the last 221(g) admin. proc. letter, my wife said it to me directly that she saw beneficiaries who married to "fresh" people got their visa without any hassels.--this is making me even more guilty--I should have married a divorcee rather than a "fresh" girl.

In any case, I'm hoping my marriage doesn't deteriorate due to the constant separation and anxiety as to her abiltiy and chances of uniting with me.

Hope you feel better.

MD

Rete

I'm going into Mother Nag mode here. You are supposedly a medical doctor. You, of all people, know the ramifications of drinking like a fish. Besides that you know that if you are on call you cannot assist a patient with booze in your system. The consequences of your abusive behavior could be the death of an innocent.

You talk about guilt for having been married before and having sullied a "fresh" woman who deserved an untarnished husband. Sorry but I don't buy that rational. To me, that is a damn self-centered statement. You are only thinking of you by drinking and putting on a hair shirt because it makes you feel good to feel bad. The hair shirt belongs on the personnel at the US Consulate. Your previous marriages had nothing to do with the way they are treating her. Hell they would have treated her in the same manner if they found you to be Saint MD but that you had a hang nail to mar you pristine facade.

As for the situation deteriorating your marriage then the marriage must have been having problems to start with or perhaps it is the way you are coping with it that might ring its death toll. What kind of behavior are you exhibiting to your new bride by drinking and pounding your chest in guilt. You certainly are not showing that you can handle stress and difficult situations. You are not showing her that you are supportive of her emotionally even though you are unable to be supportive physically.

These are difficult times for you both. Put the self-recriminations on the back burner on low heat before you singe your marriage irreparably.

Rete

Morkai Kurst

I must admit, I'm pretty much the same as you. I stopped going out cause the thought
of making new friends and then moving 4000 miles away was depressing. So I gave up
and I stay home with my computer.

Some days I cry at a song cause I miss him so much, but most of the time I just bury
myself in things to do. I take one day at a time, each night I go to bed and think
one day closer. I don't keep looking at the calendar, I avoid those as much as
possible - I basically lose myself, I wrap myself in monotony so I lose track of how
the time is passing. We talk every day online which helps, usually stilly stuph
though, our ability to talk over text has dwindled to uselesness. I try and phone
once a week and we'll spend 2 hours on the phone without even realising it, I always
feel better after that.

I learnt patience, I learnt to forget the past if that makes sense. Not the special
moments but the day to day trudge. I remeber how whenever I get there it feels like I
never left and I put faith in that. Next time I see him it'll be forever, I'll never
have to leave him again. This pain will all be over and will become nothing but a
memory. Thats how I get through it all, determination not to let the frustration
break me. Sometimes it all breaks down and I spend a few days moping around, crying
at the drop of a hat and generally feeling miserable but I eventually get it back
under control :-/

I went over in Feburary for 2.5 months when we did the petition but before that I
hadn't seen him in 12 months, so I know the long term seperation very well.

Day by day, thats the best advice I can give

And I tell you what, people not wanting to hear about it is not such a bad thing,
if I have to explain the visa to naturalisation process to someone again I think
I'll scream, especially as it goes in one ear and out the other then 3 weeks later
they ask you again... Or they sit and tell you how awful you must feel and how
dreadful it must be to be without your other half, whilst the sympathy is well
meant I'd far rather talk about something interesting so I can take my mind of how
awful I feel ...

You'll find your way, maybe it'll be taking 5 mins out and screaming all your
frustration out in the privacy of a quiet room, or maybe kicking the living daylights
out of a soft toy (doesn't damage the furniture . Or maybe you'll find a more
peacefull way - jogging, driving - just something to loosen you up. I ended up
becoming a Reiki healer, I learnt how to meditate and basically grab all the bad
emotions and push them out till I was relaxed and ready to take on the world again.

Good luck

Morkai


"saledevo" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]...
    > Hi everyone;
    > I have been reading the threads here for quite a long time and I try to be patient
    > like everyone else, but I am also frustrated. My first NOA is dated July1 from the
    > NSC so I know I am in for the long haul. The thing I haven't really read much
    > about is the mindset of all of you ... how you cope. My fiance and I have not been
    > apart more than 3 months in 3 years.. YET. It's been 2 months now and next week I
    > get to fly to the UK (my second trip this year) to spend 12 SHORT days with him. I
    > am looking forward to it, yet I am not because I know how wonderful it is to be
    > togther and how torturtous it is to separate again! We have done this at least 20
    > times in the past 3 years and it never gets any easier. What I have found I do when
    > he's gone, is to withdraw into myself and virtually shut-out the rest of the
    > world..except for these newsgroups and INS websites! I don't see friends much or
    > get out because I am too miserable! Does this make sense?
    > I just want him to get his K-1, get over here so we can start our life together!
    > I almost wish there were someone else in my situation near me (chicago) who I
    > could go for a drink with and co-miserate! No one I know has a clue about what we
    > all here go through.. all my friends and relatives seem to not be curious at all
    > about this stuff, and when I start to get into it, they just shrug their
    > shoulders. Do you know what I mean?
    > I'm no kid, I am 40 years old and my fiance is 45, we've both been married and
    > divorced and have kids of our own. Yes we met on the net but lots of you have
    > also.. but I NEVER in my wildest dreams imagined falling in love with someone from
    > across the pond. I guess I have to look at it this way: I'm lucky to have the
    > privilage of all of these challenges.
    > Anyway, after all that drivvel, I guess I was wondering if anyone else has
    > "cocooned" themselves like I have, due to circumstances???
    > --
    > Posted via http://britishexpats.com

mdmd101

I certainly can't handle stress. In fact, I can't handle the anxiety related to the "unknown."

I'm trying to find a temple in the Seattle area where I can go in the evenings and chant or meditate rather that go home watch Sienfeld, etc. etc. and have shot afer shot of Scotch.

The East Indian population in the Seattl area is so thin that it's difficult to find a temple. I loved living in the Bay Area--there was a temple 10 minutes away from my home.

Why is everyone chewing me? You now, and a whole bunch of people earlier on one of my mails realted to the Gujrarati and Punjabi community.

Please people, I'm here to seek answers to 221(g) admin. proc. and find love and support and sympathy. Enough for now.

MD

A-Lee

I was married in the Philippines in May 2002 and the last time I seen him, so it may
be May 2003 before I again see my husband. It takes a lot of patience, a lot of
love, and a lot of chats, emails, and phone calls. One must place themselves into a
frame of mind that does not let the months of separation bother them too much. Once
your spouse are you are together, you have the next 20-30 years of your life to be
with them. Sure, I wish my husband was here now, but its not going to happen so we
do our best with what we have and we both are happy and positive people.

It's all in the state of the person's mind how they perceive the months of waiting.
If one sits around thinking of it everyday then they tend to become depressed about
the situation- if someone stays busy with work, family, school, etc., then the time
goes by quicker. All of us wants to be together and this will be possible in the
coming months, but it is all in one's state of mind and how they can deal with the
situation.

Be Patience and Happy and it will all work out.

Ambria


"Rete" <[email protected]> wrote in message news:[email protected]...
    > Originally posted by saledevo:
    > > Hi everyone;
    > >
    > > Anyway, after all that drivvel, I guess I was wondering if anyone else has
    > > "cocooned" themselves like I have, due to circumstances???
    > Speaking only for myself, no I did not cocoon myself when Jim and I were separated
    > during the processing. Although we lived in adjoining countries, due to time,
    > circumstances, weather and finances, we were not as fortunate as you to be able to
    > spend all of three years minus three months together.
    > Although we loved one another life went on for both us. I worked full time and
    > still enjoyed social functions and activities alone and with friends. Please
    > understand I am speaking only of myself and for myself and my situation. I am a
    > social creature. I enjoy life. I loved my then fiancee and now husband but he is
    > not the end all of my social world. We like many different things and as such
    > spend time apart from one another. This does not diminish in our eyes our marriage
    > or feelings for each other. It allows us to pursue those activities that we as an
    > individual enjoy. For instance I enjoy classical music and he is not a big fan.
    > So I buy a ticket for Lincoln Center for a particular concert and enjoy the
    > performance by myself. Or he enjoys, lives and breaths computers. So he will go
    > off for the day to a computer show to see the newest offerings and talk to fellow
    > computer techs like himself. I have girlfriends who like to gather once a month at
    > each others home for dinner and scrabble and/or cards. The husbands are not
    > invited and that is not a problem with any of them.
    > What I am trying to convey is all those activities are the same ones that I did
    > before we were married but engaged. He is the love of my life, but for me, he is
    > not my life. Am I saying this correctly. I would give my life for him but if he
    > died, I would not die and would continue to live and enjoy what time in life I
    > had left.
    > I hope that you stop separating yourself from family and friends. Now is the time
    > that one needs the kindness of others to get through the missing times as you call
    > them. If they seem uninterested they are of the process because it does not
    > directly affect them not uninterested in you. Unless, of course, that is all you
    > talk about when you are with them, your fiancee, your loneliness and the INS
    > processing.
    > BTW my husband was 56 and I was 49 when we started the process in '98
    > Rete
    > --
    > Posted via http://britishexpats.com

Rete

Why am I picking on you? Not picking particularly but trying to shock you into seeing that your behavior in regards to your situation is hurtful to you, your wife and your patients. As for the spiritual side of meditation, you can do that without having to be in a temple. I'm not a church goer but a believer in a supreme being and feel that He is with me at all times and I commune with Him as if He were walking alongside me with every step.

I know you say you were married twice before and I don't know nor do I want to know the details of your marriages and their reasons for failure. But if the inability to handle stress was one of the problems, you will have run into it head on once again in this marriage.

A person in your profession has to learn the basic skills of stress management in order to have survived med school and internship. Use those same skills now when they are needed.

As for your situation in India, I know little about the US Consulates in India and how to circumvent the problem. I wish you well in getting it resolved quickly.

Rande

Hi guess what I am from Chicago also (suburb actually) and also am going through the K-1 process and have petitioned to bring my UK fiance over. Let me know if I can help in any way....that drink doesn't sound too bad.

Rande

hmiller

Although, I am definately not happy to see other people sad and struggling in this process, I am comforted a bit to find there are other people feeling the way that I am, and that I am not a complete and total loser.

I haven't seen my fiance' in over 3 months, although we talk over e-mail daily and telephone weekly. It gets hard! I don't get out much, and don't have a lot of friends in the area where I live so I find I don't have a lot of people to talk to or outside ways to divert my attention from this whole process.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I understand, I relate and if anyone ever just needs to vent or talk about it drop me a line.

saledevo

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Rande:
Hi guess what I am from Chicago also (suburb actually) and also am going through the K-1 process and have petitioned to bring my UK fiance over. Let me know if I can help in any way....that drink doesn't sound too bad.

Rande


Hi Rande!

At last someone near me who knows what I am going through! I have sent you an email, guess I'll find out if you get it... I'm always up for that drink!

--- sal

Marjeta

I haven't seen my fiance for 8 months but being apart taught us both a lot. Not
seeing each other on and of made us feel better with ourselves and at the same time
we love and appreciate each other even more. It is a test for enduring love. I miss
him a whole lot, but we talk on the phone almost every night and I know that things
will change for us. I am tired of visiting and parting because it wears me out and
tears me apart. I want to be with him for good, so I'm waiting for that. Your friends
and family don't understand of course because they have more likely never been in
this kind of situation. I don't often talk about this with my friends and family, but
I still go out with them and spend time together and chit-chat about mundane things.
It's not so bad, and sometimes seeing all of my friends in their semi-screwed up
relationships makes me think about how much I have that they'll never be able to
experience and appreciate. BTW - I'm 24 and my fiance is 23.