souls canuck

Hey

Just wondered if any of you folks who have left your homeland and sometimes return for a visit have had any negative experiences?

I moved from Toronto to Arizona a whopping 15 months ago.. saw the whole family again for the wedding 3 months later , went back for my first visit a year later and am going again, with my husband this time, next month

I get 2 weeks vacation a year and now realize both are being spent in toronto.

My family is fighting with me already because they think I am not spending enough time with them! we haven't even got on the plane and I am already arguing how we will spend our time.

my friends on the other hand are overjoyed, giddy and say "when can I see you? I want to be first on the list" the family side is saying "well, I probably shouldnt say this but Mom was mad the last time because you didnt spend much time with them" (I was there for 6 days, four of which I saw my mother, and spend the better part of a day with her) my family is 20 large.. I have about 20 friends which are also important to me.. noone was happy, they all felt jipped.. except of course the people who got off their duff and decided to spend THEIR vacation in sunny arizona.. those people seemed ok.

my family has not visited. they spend their vacation at cottages and trips to montreal, and that's okay, right?

We are soooo wishing we had just booked that trip to Hawaii like we wanted, but there I was trying not to upset the apple cart.. and it didnt work anyway

Sorry to vent but I suspect I am not the only one who has juggled and lost here.

how do you keep everyone happy , including yourself?

Hypertweeky

Hey there It is nice to see you back!
Going to visit the family? Gotta love it, It doesn't matter how long it has been since you last visited they always want more and more lol..
I visited my family last christmas, Lexi and Mark came, it was fun!, too bad I can't go this year (I have no vacation time with this "new" job of mine), I didn't have any problems at the POE (Chicago), I was traveling with my shinny K3

Noorah101

Hi souls!

Sadegh and I are running into the same thoughts lately. He's been in the USA for 16 months now, and his friends/family are getting antsy to see him. He hasn't been out of the USA since he got here.

His family in Iran want him to come home next March for their New Year celebrations. His friends in Turkey are saying, you can't go to Iran without stopping by Turkey to see us (which does make sense, being border countries). His friend in Norway is saying, since you'll be in Turkey, come to Norway and see me too, it's just a hop over to Europe. Meanwhile, he's got a friend who recently moved to Australia and is begging us to come visit there. Sadegh's brother-in-law works in London and wants him to come visit next month before he moves back to Iran.

And of course, a proper "visit" over there is not less than a month's stay!

Sadegh and I have our own list of places we want to see on our own, too...Mexico, Canada, Egypt, not to mention friends in the USA that we still haven't seen in North Dakota, Minnesota, New York, Florida...the list goes on.

He's thinking hard about where to go and who to see first. His first trip out of America is a big deal for everyone, and he doesn't want anyone to feel hurt or slighted. And of course, I have nowhere near that much time off work, and he isn't looking forward to going on vacation without me.

Not sure what we will be doing about upcoming vacations, but my advice to you guys is do what makes YOU happy most. When family gives you a hard time, just shrug and say "sorry...limited time...hopefully next year....and you guys are always welcome out here in Arizona!"

Rene

souls canuck

You know, when we got married the Rev. said that holidays were going to be a big deal for us..

not just where do we spend Thanksgiving.. in our case Canadian thanksgiving is different then American so it almost works (my honey made me a turkey on monday while I blubbered away...silly me!)

anyway, picking and choosing where you spend you time is a chore that's for sure.. and ya, time off is precious.. I say they should be happy I am coming at all..

wouldn't you jump at the chance if his brother was going to be near you, even if it was for a short time? Would you give him heck if he decided to spend time with some of his other close friends? I think not.

I have a friend in British Columbia who runs a B+B.. I would LOVE to go see her... and I know about 20 people who would be angry that I choose her over them... grrrr..

you are right though Rene and that's the problem.. I feel like once again I am doing things to keep others happy and being miserable about it. I do want to see them, I miss them all the time.. but I wont be going back now for awhile.. it's not about "them" anymore

Petra

I know exactly what you're talking about!!!
Between my new family here, my old family in Holland
and what WE want to do, 14 days is not nearly enough.
But... I only get abour 25% of the vacation time here, compared with my old job!
What we did to overcome problems, is that we stayed with Mom (most important *W*)
Then, we organized a party - dinner - get together for all the friends and that worked great.
Then, in the midst of all this, hubby and I excaped for a week to tour the Benelux with an RV.
Spent the last weekend with my folks and that made it a finished product, that apparently, everyone could live with.
Of course, we have no one to tell us that Mom was really mad that we left her hanging for a week *LOL*

ian-mstm

Holidays *are* a big deal with most families. Many couples will go to the husband's family one year and to the wife's the next. Unfortunately, as easy as this sounds, it quickly becomes far more complicated than you can ever imagine.

The thing to remember is that you now have a family of your own... you must set your own traditions for the holidays - and you must do this while drawing that fine line between satisfying yourself and satisfying others. But it is your family now... and no matter who else pulls at you, your family must come first.

Ian

Mh

In article <[email protected]> ,
souls canuck <member15831@british_expats.com> wrote:
    >Hey
    >Just wondered if any of you folks who have left your homeland and
    >sometimes return for a visit have had any negative experiences?
    >I moved from Toronto to Arizona a whopping 15 months ago.. saw the
    >whole family again for the wedding 3 months later , went back for my
    >first visit a year later and am going again, with my husband this time,
    >next month
    >I get 2 weeks vacation a year and now realize both are being spent
    >in toronto.

Sounds about right :-)

I moved to California about 13 months ago (from Kitchener). Have been back
once since..

This winter, my wife and I are planning to go back (my parents haven't seen
her since the church blessing in July '04). At least we live next door to
her parents (by coincidence - great deal on a house), so they can't complain
too much..

As long as we get to my "home" church, that'll satisfy a bunch of people
wanting to talk to me, spend 6-8 days with parents, a few days with her
sister in Ohio..

Yes, most of my vacations ARE going to be spent in Ontario.. At least for a
little while - my niece is 11 and nephew 8.

And, once our house is fixed up a little, they're always welcome to visit
    :-)

btw, found any cheap flights to Toronto yet? They seem to be exceptionally
high this year.. I've found Akron (CAK) to be significantly cheaper - and
only a 4-5 hour drive away..

MH

Rete

As known in the forum, I am a lot older than all of you and for the most part could probably, in terms of age, be your mother.

I'm fortunate that Jim's family is a short 6 hour drive away in Canada but his son is a 15 hour straight through drive away in Halifax. I know that he wonders why we visit Montreal so often and not Halifax but the truth behind that is that I hate is new wife and don't want to be in the same province with her. Luckily for us, Jim works in a school and gets 2 months off without pay a year in the summer so he is going to visit with his son and grandson with me this year while I take a week to visit my daugther and new grandson (when he is born in February) without Jim. That will give me three weeks vacation to be used with my husband and/or anyway I wish.

I've found that life is short and while we love our families and friends, we have to sometimes be very selfish and take the small vacations that we earn and do something that is selfishly for us and us alone. We work hard and deserve sometime to US as individuals and/or as a couple to enter without having to fill our precious days off being at the beck and call of family. Sounds harsh? Perhaps, but stop and think for a minute. If you were diagnosed with an illness which was incurable, where and with whom would you spend those last precious days?

Rete

souls canuck

some good thoughts in these posts. this christmas I will be spending at home with my new family of one I think we are both okay with it.. now its time for me to make my own traditions.

okay, enough of my rant for today.. he he.. I know this is a topic that most can appreciate.. whether its a jilted friend back home or your brother who wants to drag his sister back home after her allotted 3 years (yes, that's his threat) grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.. gotta love them but they make me insane!

olliewat

Unfortunately, you can't

Dave and I have tried very very hard to make sure we go up to Canada at least once a year to visit his family and friends each of the 5 years he has been down here in the states. Unfortunately, with my pregnancy, he is reserving time off for when the baby is born in November so we didn't go up this year. But I feel really really bad about the fact that he doesn't get to spend more time with his family and friends - it seriously breaks my heart.

But, at the same time, his best friend has been down here for two long weekends. His brother was down here overnight when he helped Dave drive down on April 15, 2000. His dad? His dad has not yet been down here.

Now with the baby coming, I feel SO much more pressure to travel up there more often and it is stressing me out.

Point is, not everyone is going to be happy. You just have to make a choice of stressing yourself out in an attempt to keep as many people as possible happy or making a decision that is going to keep YOU and HUBBY happy.

beyness

You’re right. You can’t. I’m probably VERY selfish. We’ve been back to England ONCE since Greg’s been here and that was for Christmas and his Dad’s 60th B-day. But they’ve come out once to visit us as well, which was nice. I go home to Indiana once a year if I can, but Greg says he’ll be happy if he never sets foot in Indiana again, so my family pretty much hates him for that, but OH WELL!! I think it is true that we only have 2 weeks and I prefer beaches and mountains to Indiana. And England is so far, you have to go at least two weeks to justify the 10 hour flight! I always welcome my family here and if they all move to Hawaii or Fiji or the Bahamas, I’ll go visit them a lot more often, I promise!

ian-mstm

It's difficult enough for a married couple when the in-laws live in the same state; it's progressively harder if the in-laws live out of state or, as is the case with so many of us here, in different countries.

I don't see it as you (or me, for that matter) being selfish. I see it as my family and friends being selfish... each wanting a piece of those few precious days that Sheila and I have for visiting. When I saw my folks in February this year, I mentioned that it'd be nice to come for a week sometime this summer. When Sheila and I meshed our scheduled, we had 4 days over the July 1/4 holiday. When I told dad that we'd could stay for 4 days, he threw a hissy fit... "It's not long enough", "You said you'd come for a week", "Are you so busy you can't come for longer?" and on and on. Our effort to visit them was met with indifference and contempt. In that moment, I decided not to bother trying to find time to visit them. My folks are like children in this respect... they know only that their needs aren't being met, but care nothing for the effort of others. Well... I digress!

Ian

cindyabs

Well you can't, because everyone has different agendas. However, having said that we are fortunate that really nobody whines on either side of the family. That sounds rather harsh, but like other posters have said there can be varying degrees of guilt trips laid on them, or lack of appreciation of efforts made to spend as much time in person with everyone that wants to see you. Also, the door swings both ways!
We went back to England for the first time in 2 years for dual purpose, my husband to get his GC and to see his family. Unfortunately for us, there is no "free" place for us to stay, which means hotels and eating out the whole visit and that is expensive !! Also, they won't be coming over to visit us, since his son can't afford it and my sister in law is afraid of flying. Still there are emails and phone calls aren't bad at all. It's not the same as seeing them, but it is better than nothing.
I haven't seen my son who is my only child for almost a year-he's married now and is working full time and getting his Master's degree. He lives 7 hours away driving distance, so a bit far to bop over for a weekend. My mother (whose only child I am, ) is almost six hours away by car, so same thing. Still we talk on the phone several times a week (all have the same calling plan on our cell phones so no extra time/expense there ) and that tides us over.
You do the best you can.

nitram

Hi, Rete.

I enjoyed your post about family visits but was struck by the mention os Montreal and Halifax: I was born and raised in Montreal (until age 9) and grew up and went to college in Halifax!

Small world, huh? I note in your post details a ref to Can/Am alumni? Is this some kind of group? Are there other groups of Canadian-Americans like this? Is there a Canadian-California group (I am in Philly at the moment but my wife is in Los Angeles)?

Links and stuff are fine. No real need to reply, just wanted to say hi.

Martin

PS: what does OT mean, and is there a glossary for all these acronyms in this forum?

andrea874

OT = Off Topic
Quite a few Canadian/American couples here...


Speaking of which.. does anyone know what happened to Sphy? Havent seen him post in forever...