Lana

    > As always, the actual person who commits the abuse. If you were punching
him
    > and he was not punching you then look in the mirror for the abuser.

If you think abuse is purely physical, then you are very simple minded. If I
am considered abusive for the things I've done to him, then he is equally
abusive if not more so. By the way, stopping someone from leaving IS abuse.

You seem to enjoy being contradictory for the sake of it. Have fun.

Susanna

Hi Lana
How long were you married to this guy or have been?
Good luck

lpdiver

Lana...Buy the book Stop Walking on Eggshells by Randi Kreger. It costs about $16 dollars from Barnes and Noble. It won't help you with your immigration problems but those aren't your only problems.

Good Luck,

Anthony & Angela

Mrtravelkay

lana wrote:

    >>As always, the actual person who commits the abuse. If you were punching
    >
    > him
    >
    >>and he was not punching you then look in the mirror for the abuser.
    >
    >
    > If you think abuse is purely physical, then you are very simple minded. If I
    > am considered abusive for the things I've done to him, then he is equally
    > abusive if not more so. By the way, stopping someone from leaving IS abuse.
    >
    > You seem to enjoy being contradictory for the sake of it. Have fun.

And you don't?

lairdside

Lord. I really wish people understood more about this stuff (I'm not referring to you Lana).

Abuse is generally reciprocal. The abused and abuser are often one and the same dependent upon the circumstances. We all react to our enviroment with differing capacities for functional and dysfunctional behaviour within our psyche.

I was in an abusive relationship many years ago. I hit back when abused (no I'm not proud of it, but I survived). I am not now and have not been physically abusive since leaving that relationship. He on the otherhand, poor thing, went on to abuse women in several subsequent relationships similarly and was eventually diagnosed as being Bipolar II.

Abused or abuser? Are we all not both of these things to some degree with the capacity to be as such? At the end of the day those things which are a negative influence on or lives should meet their demise and allow positive forces to take their place. If removing someone from one's life is a step towards this aim, or is resolutely impeding your progress towards it, then it's time to say goodbye.

Good luck Lana.

Hypertweeky

Hey Lana!

I just want to let you know that you seem to be very honest about the whole thing, I have heard many stories about divorces.. and it is most of the times "It is all his fault", You have admitted your faults too and that says a lot on your favor.
I wish you nothing but the best!!

Andrew DeFaria

lana wrote:

    >> As always, the actual person who commits the abuse. If you were
    >> punching him
    >> and he was not punching you then look in the mirror for the abuser.
    > If you think abuse is purely physical, then you are very simple minded.

I didn't say that abuse is purely physical. Go back and re-read what I said.

    > If I am considered abusive for the things I've done to him,

You are.

    > then he is equally abusive if not more so.

He may have abused you too. Equally? I don't know.

    > By the way, stopping someone from leaving IS abuse.

And I said as such. Again go back and re-read what I wrote as you were
obviously not paying attention.

    > You seem to enjoy being contradictory for the sake of it. Have fun.

If I have fun being contradictory then I have failed as I have not been
contradictory.
--
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

Andrew DeFaria

lairdside wrote:

    > Lord. I really wish people understood more about this stuff (I'm not
    > referring to you Lana).

I understand more than you know.

    > Abuse is generally reciprocal. The abused and abuser are often one and
    > the same dependent upon the circumstances. We all react to our
    > enviroment with differing capacities for functional and dysfunctional
    > behaviour within our psyche.

Yes but rarely does it start with both people in the relationship at the
same time.

    > I was in an abusive relationship many years ago.

So was I. Big deal.

    > I hit back when abused (no I'm not proud of it, but I survived).

That's called defense. Admittedly Lana struck not defending herself (or
at least not defending herself from an attack).

    > I am not now and have not been physically abusive since leaving that
    > relationship. He on the otherhand, poor thing, went on to abuse women
    > in several subsequent relationships similarly and was eventually
    > diagnosed as being Bipolar II.
    > Abused or abuser?

Can't tell from the information given.

    > Are we all not both of these things to some degree with the capacity
    > to be as such?

No. Somebody who strikes back to defend themselves is not an abuser.
--
A singles bar is a place people go to in hopes of meeting the sort of
person who wouldn't be caught dead in a singles bar.

lairdside

Definitions differ. I concur with professional rather than layman's definitions, which are decidely more complex as they are aimed at resolving psychological dysfunction rather than the appropriation of blame. On some level when we abuse another, even in response to their instigation of such abuse, we abuse ourselves. Just as they did when they initiated the abuse against us.

The abuse is often designed to produce guilt in the intially non-abusive party, through which they can be manipulated. It's all about control and lack of self-control. The cultivation of negativity