LCT

Well, I have been going through the expat mill for over 2 years now and have come to a bit of a crossroads. I just don't know what to do with my life for the best.

To cut a long story short, came here in Dec 06 with ozzie fiance (partner of 7 years at that time). He always intended to move back here "for good". I came along to give it a go.

Was desperately unhappy for the first 5 months and then went home for my parents 60th birthdays. Couldn't drag myself back to Oz for 4 months. Knew the relationship would be over if I didn't come back so decided to try again so that I could feel sure in myself I had done all I could.

Back in Oz I threw myself into every course and activity I could find to try to make friends and keep occupied. 11 months later my sister got married in England in the summertime. So I went back home for 5 weeks for that and it was beautiful. Again, I really didn't want to come back to Oz but had just got myself a new job (for the first time in Oz actually doing what I wanted to do). So I dragged myself back again ... and that was nearly 6 months ago.

The last 6 months have been the biggest struggle. I had to tell myself I would go back home by Christmas. I seem to have been spending my days planning what I would do when I got home again. But then when the time to leave comes ... I delay. Changed a flight from 20 Dec to 31 Jan and now will probably delay again.

My job hasn't worked out. My boss was the most unpleasant man I have ever met and it turned out to be an admin role instead of a professional role (I'm a qualified solicitor). And there are generally very limited opportunities to do the type of work I want to do here.

I don't dislike Oz. I am very relaxed and happy sitting here looking out over the sea this morning, having just finished my job and got myself some temping work for while I figure out what to do. I enjoy weekends walking, dining outdoors, the cafe lifestyle and have made some fairly good friends.

But my OH will never ever go back to UK to live. Which means that if I stay here I can never do so either ... well, if I have children that is. Knowing that just makes me feel quite trapped. Knowing that I will never have the freedom to change my mind. And I am constantly haunted by images of all the family occasions that things that I will miss out on. And of the much more fulfilling career that I could have there. If I stay I will have to spend my life and raise my children with OH's family instead of my own. And accept the career situation.

My OH and I talk and talk about all the reasons why we shouldn't be together. He completely understands my point of view and I do his. But neither of us seem to be able to find the strength or certaintly to actually end our relationship (now we have been together 9.5 years, have travelled the world together, bought and renovated two houses together) and we do love each other very much.

No matter how hard we try the issues never go away, and yet here I still am after 2 years of this turmoil! Maybe if I can turn off the thoughts of all the tragic things that might happen, I could move forward here? But it just feels so dangerous to give away my future choices.

I can see myself going home and just sitting around wishing I was back here and cursing myself. How do you turn all this off???

Anyway, sorry, that was meant to be a brief history

I guess only I can help myself, just wanted to vent some confused steam!

Thanks for listening.

LCT

Just one other thing ... as to career point. I don't even know if I am personally that bothered or whether I just feel like I "should" be achieving great things because my family and friends are. I do like to be mentally challenged but I want to do 9-5 and not spend my life being stressed.

I guess the simple major issue for me is simply not having the future option to change my mind. I'm 33. I don't like the idea of thinking "this is how my life will be forever". Who knows what is around the corner?

cricket1again

Go home. Listen to your heart.

Mummy in the foothills

Whatever you do. Do NOT have any kids unless you are prepared to live there till they are adults.
If you spend more of your day thinking of being home, then go there, stop wasting your life waiting for something to happen, or life to be different/better/more exciting.
Nothing changes unless you make it change. If your OH wants to move with you he will, but he seems content to let you be the one who isn't happy with where you live. while he gets all he wants.

quoll

Absolutely agree with the last point, dont have kids until you know for sure because then you will be trapped for life.

I live a trapped life and happily admit that. It's a choice I make. He is an Aussie and wont go home to live with me, I have had him for 35 years now and dont fancy breaking in a new one. I am here in Aus for him and him only. I have one son and granddaughter who live here and another son who lives in UK (as yet grandchildless). My rationale is that I look at life here with him and I compare that with life there without him - no contest. While I am at home, I am at peace, I have fun, I laugh and really enjoy myself but I am in daily contact with him - sms, calls and emails (he doesnt like coming with me, a radical greenie who is paranoid about his carbon footprint). I absolutely HATE getting on the plane to get back here because it does feel like returning jail but I need to have him and that is all there is to it. In this "compromise" I am the one that misses out and occasionally the resentment flares. I survive by counting the days to my next trip home.

Would I have done the same if I had known he would change the goal posts down the track (as he did)? well, yes, because he is my soul mate I guess I would. But I would have fought much harder to have got my way and got more out of the compromise. I can just about make it with one or two trips home each year and he knows that he has to keep earning to allow me to do that.

So, if you are convinced that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with and cannot live without then stay. If you subscribe to the "other fish in the sea" scenario then go home and start your life again where you want to be.

{{{hugs}}} this is a hell of a position to be in and I wish you all the best!

Edited to say - have you thought about a trial separation, the movie stars seem to do it all the time. Just see how it all falls out from there.

R2D2 returns

Does he understand your feelings?
Was he feeling the same way when he was in the UK?
If so, then he must be able to apprecaite the pull of home. Its an incredibly strong one.
I guess it comes down to, who is willing to cope better with the sacrifice of being somewhere they don't really want to be.

Cheetah7

My advice to you is when in doubt as to what to do and what decision to make with regards to your life, then do nothing.

Talk to someone - a counsellor perhaps, someone completely independent from you and your partner, someone who can see and think clearly to give you concise and clear advice on your options.

They wont have the answers, but they may just move the emotional obstacles out of your way so that you can find a way forward.

If the thought of staying in Australia makes you feel 'trapped' then do not trap yourself by having kids.

I would talk to a marriage counsellor, get some advice and then think about what you REALLY want in life and how you see your future.

It isnt as hopeless as it seems, you are an educated woman, with a strong mind and the choice is yours to make.

There is nothing to feel ashamed about in having a little help in making that decision either.

But for now, do nothing until you have had some sort of counselling - bit from a marriage guidance counsellor or anyone else.

Go where you will be happy and always remember if something feels wrong, then it usually is.

jmh

I think your feelings about being trapped are more about your relationship than about where you live. As you say, where you live in Oz is not that bad. If you were head over heals in love with him you wouldn't even think about it. I think you are trapped because you are too afraid to leave the relationship. Sorry if this sounds harsh. It's just a point of view.

Ruby Murray

If you're in a dilemma and feel you are suffering from relationship ambivalence, I wholly recommend you buy the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirschenbaum. Check out the reader's reviews on Amazon to see what they also say about it.

I do tend to agree with a lot of the advice you've been given here though....do not have children....it will severely complicate your life beyond measure if you're feeling like this now. Look at your relationship for how it stands NOW and answer the questions in the book I suggested....you will know in your heart what you need to do.

All the best,
R.M.

fionamw

Someone wise once said to me that doing nothing is actually a decision itself....