superdesi

Its been a very long time since I posted here. Much of that was due to me taking time off work to escort my wife to the Embassy in Islamabad and then bringing her to the States.

I'm not going to make this a super long post, however, I feel that it may provide some insight to future Expat users.

I got married last August to a girl that is related to me, however, I did not have much contact with her prior to the marriage, just phone conversations. I took time off from work and spent five weeks in Pakistan (where we wed) and then when I got back to the States, I filed for a K3. The application process was without hitch and the interview in Islamabad went really smooth. At the POE at JFK, the process went super smooth and I even got an EAD stamp on her passport.

The problem started when she arrived here in New York. When we arrived at our apartment, she made comments as to how small it was (its a 1 bedroom). She immediately wanted to rearrange the furniture, and just started making faces about everything. Basically, this girl wants her way OR no way. There is no compromising involved. She gets moody all the time and I am getting fed up with her. She made a big fuss when I had to work overtime at my job and just likes to bicker about everything with me.

The problem is that if I divorce her, there is going to be a lot of hoop-la because of the fact I am related to her. I just can't stand living with her anymore. I don't think we are meant to be (be it my misfortune).

The moral of this whole thing is that arranged marriages don't always work. It takes two to make a relationship work providing that the other partner wants put an effort in. I think it is definately necessary to know your spouse-to-be much more than just phone conversations, before you tie the knot!

Hypertweeky

I can not believe what my ears are hearing!!, I am so sorry this is happening to you superdesi
If you don't love her anymore, my advice is to get the divorce and move on..
If you need to vent some more do it we are here to listen
Good Luck!

Ps: K3 can not get an EAD stamp at the POE, that is only for K1's. My POE was thru JFK and I did not get an EAD stamp because like I said that is only for K1's.. I wonder how your wife got one

SundarV

First of all I am very sorry that you are going through it. I would say that you never really get an idea about the other person until you start living with them. This happens even in the case where people have dated each other for a long time. But the difficulty in adujsting is even more in arranged marriage and moving to a new country leaving everyone you know in life.

Some advice I would give: maybe she is getting too homesick. In grand scheme of things arranging furniture is not a big deal. Put yourself in her shoes. She has come from Pakistan and does not know anybody. Her homesickness and other things make her wonder why she came to US. So just become thick skinned for sometime. Maybe you can get her to go to school or do something that would keep her busy. Get her to do things that would keep her occupied. As they say empty mind is devil's workshop. Also, try your best to spend more time with her as she is getting adjusted to this alien country. Give her time before you do anything drastic.

I know many posters would advise divorce. In the subcontinent context it is not a good thing. Especially the woman would be more affected than man, at least from what I see. So I would advice you to be patient and give some time. I would give about an year before you think of drastic action such as divorce.

Also, in your wife mind she has made a big sacrifice in leaving her family and coming to the US. I am sure you clearly indicated that you don't plan to go back to Pakistan. So cut her more slack. She is so distressed by her move that she is not even spending time to get to know you.

You could always use the board to vent your frustrations. but be kind to your wife. That is very important to her at this point in life. Just be kind and take one day at a time.



I wish you the best.
Sundar

Hebapotamus42

Welcome back, Superdesi. I won't state my opinions about arranged marriages, but let me just make a couple of points. Arranged marriage or not, you don't get to really know a person until you live with them. So when you first move in with someone, there are always going to be a few unpleasant discoveries. I bet your wife's opinion of your behavior is similar to yours of her. You're both human and imperfect, but it seems you both expected too much. I live in NYC like you, and as you know, the average NYC apartment doesn't come close to being luxurious. It's nothing like she imagined and probably a lot worse than what she's used to. She was probably shocked and frustrated when she saw what it was really like here. I remember my own feelings when my family moved to NY from Texas (I was 11 years old then). I was horrified by everything and it took me two full years to adapt.

And what's wrong with her wanting to rearrange the furniture? Why do you take that so personally? It's her apartment too, and she'll feel more at home if you let her take charge of it and do what she likes. She's not just an extra piece of furniture.

She's also justified in being upset over you're working overtime. I can't presume to know what things are like in Pakistan, but I know that in Egypt people have a lot more say over their work schedules than here and seem to have more time for life. Your wife still has to adapt to this American work ethic.

Your wife needs to make new friends and needs to find something to keep her busy while she adapts to this new environment. It's going to take a long time for her to actually be happy here. She's probably very depressed and perhaps her way of manifesting depression is by the so-called bickering. You certainly haven't made things any easier for her. Cut her some slack. It does take two to make a relationship work, and from your post it's obvious that you think you've done it all and that she's the one who's lacking. You need to put a lot more work into this before you call it quits.

superdesi

First of all, many thanks to Heba, Tweeky and Sundar for providing some insight.

After reading your replies and talking with a lot of my friends, I have come to the conclusion that time may be the factor here.

However, please understand that this girl does not like to be told what to do. The other day I told her to put her coat on since we were planning on going shopping, and she replied....."don't order me around". Believe me, I feel bad that she is far away from her family, but since we are related, she has a bunch of cousins and family that visit her every day over here. It's not like I moved to a desolate part of the country where she had no one to talk to.

She has a bad attitude and you can't change a person's nature that they have been accustomed to. I try every day to mend things but it does not seem to work. Perhaps she should marry a person who will say YES to all her commands. I also truly agree that you only know a person once you start living with them. It has been 1 week now since she arrived from Pakistan.

Yesterday I asked if she wanted to go back to Pakistan. She replied by saying......"are you threatening me?". I just don't want to continue something that I know I will not be satisfied in the future. I definately don't want her to have my children. Sorry again for this long post.

jeffreyhy

Desi,

And what was your response? Did you pursue a dialog on the subject, or did she shut you up with this retort?

Have you considered some counseling? Perhaps her attitude is based on some things that the both of you aren't competent to deal with without some professional help. I know that I could not deal with such a situation without help.

I recommend that you promptly contact a good immigration lawyer and a good divorce lawyer and explore your options and responsibilities. If your wife has relatives here, and she is unhappy with her situation, you can bet that she will be getting similar advice sooner or later. Probably sooner. Be prepared.

Regards, JEff