The4BellsLondon

worse?/ psycologically damaging? thats spelt wrong innit!!

Oink

They don't even count.

Calgal

Oh they so do - trust me!

JGK

If your partner (male/female) "cheats" (for want of a better word), it destroys the trust in the relationship that you will never recover.

IMO, the biggest hurdle to cheating is on the first occasion, after that they'll think they can get away with it on subsequent occasions.

Best off calling it a day and going your separate ways.

Coffeepot

Agree with you calgal

We have friends whos hubby had an affair 2 years ago its been such an awful roller coaster for all incl the children, they now have another and are still going from one day to the next,

It has totally destroyed any trust and things will never be the same,

very sad for what ?

scottandsel

with mandymoochops on this one!!! i'd def have a new pair of trophy earings thats for sure!!!!

fledermaus

It depends on whether or not you have children, how rich you are, where you live, where your family lives, how you can manage when you split, how desperate you are.

sparkling_gal

No way. With my ex, I forgave one affair after another, even though I was desperately unhappy in the marriage. Eventually, I'd had enough and I threw him out. Looking back, I wasted a lot of years forgiving someone who didn't deserve it.

lins and Stef McLachlan

Hi
I thought time had moved on from this scenario. It was certainly true years ago, but with the welfare system in place....and more women gaining independence through work, I don't think these points are as relevant as they were. I do think that it all depends on whether you feel that you still love the person and hope it was a one off deviation......continual affairs though...destroy that love eventually. Having divorced without children years ago...at the time it was hard...but got to the stage where I knew I could live well without him....so filed for divorce. I believe he died a couple of years ago in his mid 40's due to alcohol abuse over many years, and women or course. Glad I got the hell out of it. Also once you have divorced once....it would be easier to do the second time...as would not hold the same fear....you know, you survived it once...could survive it again.

I have now been happily remarried for 17 years...together for 20....but if he strayed......off with his head.....I would be kicking him out and keeping the kids (13 and 15) with me if they wanted to stay.
with me.....that is
lol
Stef

Dave+Jules

As a man, no I wouldnt forgive. For me it is about the trust we give each other.

On the answer about having it offered on a plate, with no relationship attached. I can tell you here is one who refused (more than once). It wasn't easy, but I kept thinking about the investment made in the relationship and the fact that we had two children.

If you want to understand why I turned it down. IMy experience as a child of the impact on the family. My mum forgave and forgave ad infinitum, they are still together at 70+ but the marriage was a bitter one. My father couldnt afford to leave (four of us and mortgage) and ditto for my Mum. Boy does she make him pay continually for his affairs

Jules and I celebrated 28 years being married yesterday and we are still best friends, lovers and partners

dbd33

It applies to the man, doesn't it? At least under Ontario laws. He can afford to leave only if he can maintain the family he is leaving in the manner to which they are accustomed and support a new life for himself. A woman who has been in a single earner household for an extended period need not be primarily concerned with finance in deciding whether or not to end the relationship, whereas a man must be.

In answer to the original question, I'm not good at that, even when the affair is not directly a threat; a woman having an affair with a woman, for example, offers something a relationship with a man cannot and, I suppose, one ought to be able to turn a blind eye. I can't do that though, not turn a blind eye and look after the horses.

DaveLovesDee

No! I couldn't, wouldn't and shouldn't have to forgive.

If a person's partner has the time and energy to have an affair, especially if they use the excuse that these things are missing from their normal relationship, then could have damn well made the same effort for their partner.

I'll also state that there have been times when it's been offered on a plate (especially when working in bars), but I've always had (and always will have) respect for my partners. In many of those cases it's been married or single women looking for a quick fling with a married guy and justifying it as no-strings attached.

If a person is regularly put in that position and feels tempted, they need to change that situation.

It shows when you're out of cigarettes lol.

Bali2010

Can't talk from personal experience, but don't think I ever could.

Find married work colleagues could get a little too close on occasion & that feels pretty grim, so like to ask about their families deliberately.
Didn't always work, so a swift exit can be required.

Booze plus work off sites never a good idea for some people - why they then think it could be at all attractive to others is beyond me.

Lord Vader

I dunno Doll, I would have to know the details of the situation. I couldn't make a set of rules in stone for something with many complex possibilities and outcomes. If it was just sex with some random person, meh, I would probably get over it and it would give me a good excuse to shag someone else. Let's face it, sex with someone else doesn't mean that you don't love the person you are with or that you have fallen in love with the person you had sex with, at least not for me anyway.

Do you think Tiger Woods was looking for a new wife when he was banging all those women? The only reason he talked to those women in person is because he had too. If he could have had is butler arrange air travel straight into his living room for a one hour stop over, well, that is they way it would have went down.

This is where "just sex" can be complicated though. Most men (that I know) would be perfectly fine with having some attractive woman bent over the desk, table, car etc and the whole thing be over with in less than 30 minutes from hello to goodbye. They wouldn't care if they saw her again or even what her name is. Most women on the other hand (or at least the ones I know) wouldn't do that. There would have to be some type of chase or courtship or some type of romance involved before sex happens. This is were the phone calls and secret meetings and all of the other stuff take place. Emotions get involved and it all gets overly complicated and mistakes are made that lead to getting caught. It would all be easier if women were as slutty as men wouldn't it?

BristolUK

It's probably "not what it looks like."