mardyarse

I've not been on this site for a while mainly due to our lives being turned upside down a few months back when we received an anonymous letter telling us our 15 year old daughter had a drug habit, self harmed, abused alcohol, has an eating disorder, attempted suicide! Yes, quite a lot to take in all at once. Unfortunately it was all true and since then we have managed to obtain the professional help required with residential care and crisis counselling.

So far she has been diagnosed with a mood disorder and possible eating disorder but the assessments continue. I'm getting her weekly drug testing which is covered under the OHIP scheme!

The point of my thread is throughout this whole time I've felt completely alone and desperate. I'm left running around like a headless chicken trying to make head nor tail of it all. She has had the most charmed life any kid could wish however, the counselling has revealed that this all started as a result of our move to Canada. She was 11 at the time and we thought settled in fairly well. However, this has knocked her self esteem and she has been on a downward spiral ever since.

I'd be very interested in hearing from other ex pat parents of their experiences of bringing up teenagers in Canada. I feel that we made the wrong decision for her and that we have completely messed up her life. I keep thinking if we had stayed where we were the most we would have dealt with was underage drinking and some anti social behaviour. All my nieces and nephews back in the UK seem to have turned out ok. Since we moved here I cannot believe the amount of teenages with "labels" either ADHD, self harm, eating disorders, depression etc., its almost an epidemic and a fashion trend! The waiting rooms are full in the psych wards of troubled teens and their bewildered parents. Not sure its a real problem in most cases or just "jumping on the bandwagon" as she can name most of her peers who have at least "one issue or another".

I'm really not interested in hearing from people with their perfect kids who can't relate to this, I've had a guts full of smug parents on facebook posting every 5 mins how "Johnnies on the honor roll" crap! My daughter is a beautiful young lady and with the gentlest of spirits. I wondered if there were other parents out there going through similar and scratching their heads as in my day as long as you didn't get pregnant or bring the Police to the door you were sorted!

bigals

Sorry to hear this,I will tell you about my two kids,my son has issues with anger and he drinks and parties to make himself feel better, he cannot go one day without his mary jane (pot) or he gets depressed.
My daughter has taken to hiding in her room and comfort eating ,I have talked to her and she wants to do so much with her life and promises to do something but just goes back into her cycle of hiding and eating,they both tell me they are depressed .
I have tried everything to help them both but they tell me I dont know what they are going through.

Tangram

We have a 13 year old. I do think sometimes it's luck of the draw and perhaps peer pressure/groups they fall in with. All you can do is the best you can and advise. You cannot be there 24/7 watching over them.

Lorry1

Hi Mardyarse,

I am sorry to hear about all the problems you are facing with your daughter. All this crap about kids staying kids for longer in Canada is total bullshit and I don't understand why people believe this.
My daughter is 17 and we moved to NS when she was 13 (very bad timing). It seems like every other week I have been to hell and back since moving here.
I can't really write too much on here as I know a few people who use this site, but just be assured you are not alone in going through hell.

I am thankful my daughter has not fallen pregnant as a few of her friends and friends younger sisters (age 15) have done so. Also smoking dope is a national pastime for teens here and unfortunately some go onto harder drugs. They don't even hide smoking it, they stand outside the school in the mornings and at lunch. You can actually see them from the road.

A couple of her friends have totally gone off the rails, left their homes and moved in with boyfriends or other friends.

I don't know what things would have been like if we were still in England. They could be better, they could be worse, I will never know. I just don't think people should take their kids away from all they know for this elusive better life.

Good luck with your daughter, hopefully everything will work out for you all.

Jingsamichty

Sorry to read of your problems. I agree ith you, I think that the rush to label typical teenage behaviour as "disorders" and to medicalise it is bordering on child abuse.

People try so hard here to conform to the advertisers ideas of perfection - wholesome Mom & Dad, 2.4 children, shiny white teeth and Happy Families going to Tim Hortons - that when reality strikes in the form of moody, angry, frustrated teenagers, it's a shock. They don't know how to deal with it. There are no frames of reference in Canadian culture. "It's not supposed to be like this! Our teenagers are polite, studious and respectful! Quick, to the doctors!"

mardyarse

Couldn't agree with you more! Our first reaction in family therapy was "who the hell said you had to be happy all the time?" life's not like that!

mardyarse

The first thing they ask you is "why did you move to Canada from the UK?" ha the irony of replying "for a better life for our kids!".

It just seems to be a total lottery with teenagers, it matters not a jot whether your a stay at home mum engaged with them or a full time career woman struggling with the balance. It doesn't have any socio-eco boundaries, or intelligence boundaries. Its completely bewildering that they smoke weed at school on school grounds and its ignored, hence I don't allow her to take her phone to school any more or have it at night time to arrange sneaking out to party.

I get the media pressure/peer pressure on them, I'm sure my daughter thinks she's in an episode of Jersey Shore! It seems to be a badge of honour to be in therapy or have scars all up your arms! She clearly has a problem with moods and depression but its really hard trying to engage with her when you're really not sure if this is a serious cry for help or just another teenage craze made up by over indulged spoilt kids with parents that just can't say no.

mardyarse

It is a total lottery, you're right there!

mardyarse

The amount of pot smoking that goes on is out of control. The downward spiral of the teen is wants to fit in, smokes weed, binge drinks, lack of quality sleep, eats junk food, feels depressed, smokes weed, binge drinks.....we've had to go back to square one and she's not allowed in her bedroom or to even sit on her bed until its bed time. Laptop downstairs in family room with us so we can check what she's doing. Eating at the table for meals always in our house, lights out 10pm. Phone allowed after school till bed time and the weekends but not at night time the phone comes into my bedroom for charging. Phones and lap tops are their way of communicating and we've found out to our horror their way of advertising their "issues" to the whole world whilst blissfully unaware parents are sat downstairs patting themselves on the back about the fact they have great kids!

I would thoroughly recommend getting in touch with your local teen crisis centre now before it becomes a crisis. If they are willing! These people are amazing and have helped us so much. It'll break your heart seeing all the bloody poor parents sat there with a look of shock and disbelief on their faces. But these counsellors are a start and an in between appointments with the Mental Health professionals. Not saying you need to go as far as counselling etc., but I was completely blindsided I didn't have a clue, honestly not one clue what was going on. A lot of this did stem from terrible bullying at school of which the Police are involved as it rolled over to cyber bullying. Did she say anything at all, not a dot!

dbd33

I think accidental reverse psychology may have worked well, I suggest other parents take up pot smoking and binge drinking.

I'm with the posters who think there's a obsession with syndromes here, teenagers are supposed to smoke and drink and be a pain in the arse, that's not a symptom, it's how they are. The parental objective has to be limited to coaxing them out of high school unpregnant. One hopes something good will come of them but eighteen and not swollen is reason enough for a sigh of relief.

ExKiwilass

dbd33, I think I love you.

I like this thread. A nice reality check for the Better Life for the Kidsers.

There seems to be some truth to the idea they medicate normal behaviour - did everyone see the article recently about how kindy kids who are born in December/later in the year are far more likely to be diagnosed with ADHD?

mardyarse

couldn't agree more, our expectations have certainly been realigned, they were never particularly high given the gene pool! But they all seem to be like lemmings (think thats spelt correctly) and themselves looking for the next trendy syndrome/issue meanwhile their spongy brains being over exposed to alcohol, stronger weed, sleeping issues makes them depressed and thats where it crosses the line. Let alone the peer pressure and the negative media its a parents worst nightmare. You see I can't work out whether its unique to North America and just hasn't reached the UK yet or whether this is because of the culture of the environment we live in. It's irrelevant really, because we're f**ked anyways, can't move back, and can't move forward until she starts making changes for herself.

mardyarse

Also on "Anderson" the other day apparently 90% of the world's diagnosed ADHD sufferers are from North America...go figure!

ExKiwilass

My impression is that the culture is a lot less tolerant and more rigid about what is considered 'normal'. Which is weird because they're all about the "individual" but i've noticed the flipside is that there's much higher, more unrealistic expectations of children and people in general. When it comes to kids it's really unfair imo - almost setting them up to fail. I think it's especially tough for boys.

Lorry1

It definitely is a lottery. We are not rich, but earn enough to live a good life. We live in a lovely big (in fact too big) house over here. I have been a stay at home mum before leaving England, worked full time and now I work (kind of) part time 4 days a week.

It's definitely who the kids get in with and what they all do when they are together. We have had our fair share of troubles that stem from internet usage and you are right in that if you think your kids are just playing Farmville you are crazy. We spent a long time 'spying' on my daughter on the internet. What I discovered was VERY scary!

I also have a 9 year old daughter and I can't wait to go though it all again when she hits her teens!