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So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

Old Jun 12th 2020, 5:53 am
  #31  
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

At least compared to where I have lived in the US, rental quality in Canada where I have lived is much lower but prices higher unless you can afford to get into "luxury" type buildings.

We viewed an apartment in 2013 in Vancouver and back then it was $950 per month, dirty old building not well maintained, and walking into the unit was a time machine to 1975, I don't think one ounce of improvement had been done since then beyond a new fridge, the bathtub and stove and bathroom sink was 1970's pink. Carpet stained and dirty and smelled like pee. My wife came across an ad for the same building in March, from the photos doesn't look like any upgrades have taken place, but they were now asking 1,500 a month and sadly they will get that.

I'd not mind high rent if the quality matched the price.

Much of what you say frustrates the heck out of me, you mean I gotta pay twice the price as what it costs in the US, but I don't make anymore per hour?




Originally Posted by no good name View Post
What has happened?

When we 1st arrived the rental apt we put a deposit down on...the previous tenants were crack heads.
We decided not to live in that grubby apt block.. we lost our $1500 deposit..
We were left scrambling for somewhere suitable to live... Most places we viewed (in burlington /oakville) were stupidly overpriced, tiny, or disgusting. All still are...

I also maybe truly didnt want 'this' from the beginning / before we boarded the plane (it was always my wifes 'dream' to live here)?
She said she would resent me if we didnt "just try it".
I was 35yrs old when we moved over, I was 'finally' as settled as I had ever been in life... Good secure job, owned a home.. kids just started lcal schools... opportunity to travel/ have proper adventures... had it all in place.

I had 11yrs service in a sought after career, one I was happy with, or at least didnt dread going to everyday when the alarm went off, one that had many perks... since being in the GT bloody A, I have not secured a fulfilling job which is also enough **important** to sustain a 'comfortable' life in overrated Oakville...

Costs of living p*ss me right off!.. from the small to the big.. (mobile phones, gyms, food, houses!!)

Live here does nothing for me.

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Old Jun 12th 2020, 5:56 am
  #32  
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

Originally Posted by no good name View Post
What has happened?

When we 1st arrived the rental apt we put a deposit down on...the previous tenants were crack heads.
We decided not to live in that grubby apt block.. we lost our $1500 deposit..
We were left scrambling for somewhere suitable to live... Most places we viewed (in burlington /oakville) were stupidly overpriced, tiny, and/ or disgusting. Most still are...

I also maybe, truthfully did not want 'this' from the beginning, even before we boarded the plane (it was always my wifes 'dream' to live here)?
She said she would resent me if we didnt "just try it".
I was 35yrs old when we moved over, I was 'finally' as settled as I had ever been in life... Good secure job, owned a home.. kids just started local schools... opportunity to travel/ have proper adventures...could share it all with long term friends and family.... had it 'all' in place.

I had 11yrs service in a sought after career, one I was happy with, or at least didnt dread going to everyday when the alarm went off, one that had many perks... since being in the GT bloody A, I have not secured a fulfilling job which is also enough **important** to sustain a 'comfortable' life in overrated Oakville...

Costs of living p*ss me right off!.. from the small to the big.. (mobile phones, gyms, food, condo fees, houses!!) Ect ect ect

Live here does nothing for me.
It's a shame that you felt pressured to move to Canada when you didn't want to and were happy and settled with your life in the UK. Things rarely turn out well in such circumstances.
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Old Jun 12th 2020, 9:45 am
  #33  
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

Originally Posted by no good name View Post
You are correct mate.

So what has happened?

When we 1st arrived the rental apt we put a deposit down on...the previous tenants were crack heads.
We decided not to live in that grubby apt block.. we lost our $1500 deposit...
We were left scrambling for somewhere suitable to live... Most places we viewed (in burlington /oakville) were stupidly overpriced, tiny, and/ or disgusting. Most still are...

I also maybe, truthfully did not want 'this' from the beginning, even before we boarded the plane (it was always my wifes 'dream' just to live here)?
She said she would resent me if we didnt "just try it". Great eh...
I was 35yrs old when we moved over, I was 'finally' as settled as I had ever been in life... Good secure job, owned a home.. kids just started local schools... opportunity to travel/ have proper adventures...could share it all with long term friends and family.... had it 'all' in place.

I had 11yrs service in a sought after career, one I was happy with, or at least didnt dread going to everyday when the alarm went off, one that had many perks...
Since being in the GT bloody A, I have not secured a fulfilling job which is also enough **important** to sustain a 'comfortable' life in overrated Oakville...

Costs of living p*ss me right off!.. from the small to the big.. (mobile phones, gyms, food, condo fees, houses!!) Ect ect ect

Live here does nothing for me.
​​​​​​How is your wife enjoying the move ?

​​​​



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Old Jun 12th 2020, 11:40 am
  #34  
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

Originally Posted by Shard View Post
​​​​​​How is your wife enjoying the move ?

​​​​
This is where it gets messy. My wife absolutely loves it of course. Canada can do no wrong compared to "depressing UK". She doesnt seem to care if we rent forever. Isnt concerned (or doesnt realise) the financial burden we have placed on ourselves by being here. As long as she gets to live here, who cares about pointing out the reality. I am just "cheap".
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Old Jun 12th 2020, 1:37 pm
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

Originally Posted by no good name View Post
This is where it gets messy. My wife absolutely loves it of course. Canada can do no wrong compared to "depressing UK". She doesnt seem to care if we rent forever. Isnt concerned (or doesnt realise) the financial burden we have placed on ourselves by being here. As long as she gets to live here, who cares about pointing out the reality. I am just "cheap".

What is it that she so likes? Surely not the weather nor the built environment. Were you from some homogenous corner of the UK, like Cornwall for example, and this is her first exposure to diverse people? Oakville seems to me to be exactly the kind of place one lives in because it allows having lots of material items so it's a stretch to think of someone being personally or spiritually fulfilled there without a small yacht, a recent Lexus (or whatever the fad in flabby rice burners is currently) and a Calor Gas barbecue.
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Old Jun 12th 2020, 2:25 pm
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

Originally Posted by dbd33 View Post
What is it that she so likes? Surely not the weather nor the built environment. Were you from some homogenous corner of the UK, like Cornwall for example, and this is her first exposure to diverse people? Oakville seems to me to be exactly the kind of place one lives in because it allows having lots of material items so it's a stretch to think of someone being personally or spiritually fulfilled there without a small yacht, a recent Lexus (or whatever the fad in flabby rice burners is currently) and a Calor Gas barbecue.
dbd33.. I really wish I knew mate..
She came here as a teenager on holiday with her family, im guessing planted a seed at that time (mid 90's ) that things in north america were bigger n better, it was like being in a movie.. who knows.
It may have been a burning desire to do something different and exciting with her life, rather than staying in the same area as she grew up in..
I have questioned her logic many times, all i get is "its just better". "Scotland is depressing".. "more opportunities for the kids"
Again, who cares about giving up our security, as long as she is here (in Oakville) and the kids get to go to school here rather than the hellhole that is back in the uk, then thats all that matters.

I suppose everyone has different desires and things that make them happy.

After nearly 19yrs, and 2 young kids together it is sad to realise that we may be on different wave-lengths and possibly paths in life. As unfortunately alot of damaging crap has happened in the past 4 yrs since being here..
But ive said it before, the thought of me actaully leaving my wife and kids to go back home alone is a messed up situation
FUBAR

Last edited by no good name; Jun 12th 2020 at 2:37 pm.
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Old Jun 12th 2020, 3:02 pm
  #37  
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

Originally Posted by no good name View Post
I wish it was that simple. I really do.
NGN, I feel for you. I have spent much time over the years racking my brains as to how I could realistically escape !

I did actually run away once, back in the summer of 2016. Got as far as New Hampshire ! Four nights in all (oddly, both my phone and laptop stopped working properly, indicating to me how ill-prepared I was for such a venture). Anyway, ever since then the hubs has been working on facilitating a more solid plan, to ensure that my next attempt is a success. (take from that what you will ).

Your circumstances are different, of course, and I’m not sure how to help…..just wanted to say that I empathise and recognise that it can be complicated, and so finding solutions can be tricky.

Also, I've not really suffered from homesickness as such (i.e. for the UK), I’m just sick of being in a place that doesn’t feel like it's my home.







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Old Jun 12th 2020, 3:09 pm
  #38  
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

No good name: some of what you have written resonates with me. I had just hit the sweet spot in my career where I could say I had arrived, the future was fairly nailed on (assuming I did not get lazy or stuff up client relationships), we were having two to three decent holidays a year, had a house etc. But, previous to this, things weren't so plain sailing and, in a fit of pique, I one day blurted out "let's move to Canada". Wife had only ever mentioned it now and again as a "would be nice to live there closer to my parents", but never sat me down to say she needed to do it. We do have the type of relationship where that would never have been held back if important. She did, however, warm up to this fairly quickly and, once she did, she grabbed it with both hands and did not let go, By the time it came to move, I really didn't want to, but I equally thought I would give it a chance given that the opportunity was there.

I will be here 4 years in October... I am on my third job (although each time I change is for the better) but I am nowhere near caught up to the same level I was at in the UK. So I understand your pain there.

I was fortunate enough to be able to take some time off last year and do some thinking and have some good conversations with the wife. Like yours, she can't give me much in the way of an answer to the question, "why is living here better"? There are things like better standards of public behaviour (even if it is done through gritted teeth ), less aggression in the people, she actually does like the seasons here, and we do both like the vibe of Halifax. Careerwise she is way off course and has come up against the usual issues with getting the type of job she wants here. She is now coming around to the idea that the best thing to do lifestyle wise would be to return to the UK, but clearly that won't be happening for a while yet. In the meantime, we are both blessed to have jobs and income.

I guess I understand some of where you are coming from. I think the important thing is to get it through to your wife how unhappy you are and see if you can make changes. I know when I got my wife to accept my outlook, we were able to "come together" again, as it were, and discuss various options for the future that would work for us both.
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Old Jun 12th 2020, 3:24 pm
  #39  
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

Originally Posted by no good name View Post
This is where it gets messy. My wife absolutely loves it of course. Canada can do no wrong compared to "depressing UK". She doesnt seem to care if we rent forever. Isnt concerned (or doesnt realise) the financial burden we have placed on ourselves by being here. As long as she gets to live here, who cares about pointing out the reality. I am just "cheap".
If that's the case I think you need to focus to focus on the positives in Canada and look toward long term financial stability. If the area you are in is too expensive (especially as a renter) look to somewhere else more affordable, perhaps that can be the compromise your wife makes. It's messy, as you say, but it's better to look forward than back.
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Old Jun 12th 2020, 3:57 pm
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

I think it worth mentioning that most people I have known in Canada ultimately went somewhere else. Most go back to their home countries, lots go to the US. I don't think dying in Canada is the usual outcome for people who move here. Third generation residents are likely to end up here but the affluent ones spend 182 days a year somewhere else. Canada's not somewhere that many people embrace unequivocally.
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Old Jun 12th 2020, 5:11 pm
  #41  
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

Originally Posted by Shard View Post
If that's the case I think you need to focus to focus on the positives in Canada and look toward long term financial stability. If the area you are in is too expensive (especially as a renter) look to somewhere else more affordable, perhaps that can be the compromise your wife makes. It's messy, as you say, but it's better to look forward than back.
But she also is not interested in moving anywhere else due to our kids being fairly settled in school. (As any kids aged 8 & 10 should be)..
She states she doesnt want any more disruptions. Which is fair enough, I get that part.

But also, the 'affordable' areas in the GTA, and the thought of buying a house there, would cement my feeling of being 'stuck' here.
These areas are cheaper compared to Oakville, but people are still getting bent over by an overhyped property market.. These marginally less expensive houses are also cheaper for a reason..
Did I really give up my life back home to come and exist in a place like Brantford, Niagara, Hamilton, St Catherines?
Shoot me now
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Old Jun 12th 2020, 6:05 pm
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

Originally Posted by no good name View Post
But she also is not interested in moving anywhere else due to our kids being fairly settled in school. (As any kids aged 8 & 10 should be)..
She states she doesnt want any more disruptions. Which is fair enough, I get that part.

But also, the 'affordable' areas in the GTA, and the thought of buying a house there, would cement my feeling of being 'stuck' here.
These areas are cheaper compared to Oakville, but people are still getting bent over by an overhyped property market.. These marginally less expensive houses are also cheaper for a reason..
Did I really give up my life back home to come and exist in a place like Brantford, Niagara, Hamilton, St Catherines?
Shoot me now
Hmm, yeah it's pretty tough when you don't like the place. And over hyped property markets are no fun. It sounds like you wife is keen on being 'stuck' in Canada, so you might need to get on board for family reasons. Permanent is not necessarily permanent these days. Your wife might tire of Oakville, your kids might eventually find Scotland alluring, or you might even find Canada grows on you. Right now you seem to be blocking your own enjoyment of things. Regretting what you had is not a good starting point.
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Old Jun 12th 2020, 7:18 pm
  #43  
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

Originally Posted by no good name View Post
dbd33.. I really wish I knew mate..
She came here as a teenager on holiday with her family, im guessing planted a seed at that time (mid 90's ) that things in north america were bigger n better, it was like being in a movie.. who knows.
It may have been a burning desire to do something different and exciting with her life, rather than staying in the same area as she grew up in..
I have questioned her logic many times, all i get is "its just better". "Scotland is depressing".. "more opportunities for the kids"
Again, who cares about giving up our security, as long as she is here (in Oakville) and the kids get to go to school here rather than the hellhole that is back in the uk, then thats all that matters.
FUBAR
I agree with your Mrs. Scotland is depressing 😛

More opportunities for the kids is possible. Depending on what they want and do of course. I appreciate that you feel like you have been fed a warm *%#@ sandwich. Having read through a lot of your posts it seems that your Mrs has fixated on Oakville GTA. I think that in the here and now given what you have said about her outlook and the situation with the kids she is unlikely to budge. I think that no amount of logic or protesting from you will change her mind as she has made an emotional decision not a logical or objective choice. You are aware of your choices. Without knowing anything more than I have read I would put a cheeky fiver on your Mrs being a lot more receptive to change once your kids are old enough to sort themselves out. Only you know if you can wait for that.

Good either way mate.

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Old Jun 13th 2020, 4:48 am
  #44  
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

Originally Posted by no good name View Post
But she also is not interested in moving anywhere else due to our kids being fairly settled in school. (As any kids aged 8 & 10 should be)..
She states she doesnt want any more disruptions. Which is fair enough, I get that part.

But also, the 'affordable' areas in the GTA, and the thought of buying a house there, would cement my feeling of being 'stuck' here.
These areas are cheaper compared to Oakville, but people are still getting bent over by an overhyped property market.. These marginally less expensive houses are also cheaper for a reason..
Did I really give up my life back home to come and exist in a place like Brantford, Niagara, Hamilton, St Catherines?
Shoot me now
The hammer isn't a bad place I've lived here for 20 years .... and what about Burlington, Dundas, Stoney Creek... Paris... Guelph / Georgetown / Kitchener.. or one of the 'beach towns' on Lake Erie or one of the others Or you could go the 'other side' of Toronto.. out towards Kingston, Cobourg.. is only an hour and a bit away from Toronto What do your kids like to do? Perhaps if you could find somewhere that your kids would love your wife might too What did you like about the town you lived in before coming to Canada - specifically... i.e. what did the town/area hold that you can't get here... (apart from the accent and pubs )

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Old Jun 13th 2020, 5:09 am
  #45  
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Default Re: So is this what 'homesickness' feels like?.....

Originally Posted by dbd33 View Post
I think it worth mentioning that most people I have known in Canada ultimately went somewhere else. Most go back to their home countries, lots go to the US. I don't think dying in Canada is the usual outcome for people who move here. Third generation residents are likely to end up here but the affluent ones spend 182 days a year somewhere else. Canada's not somewhere that many people embrace unequivocally.

Some times I really do wonder if we live in the same country!

I honestly do not know a Brit who emigrated out here, and ultimately went elsewhere, unless it was for a better job, and then they usually have come back here to retire.

All the rest are still happily living here, at various stages of their working lives, ages ranging from late 20s to over 80s, or have died here!

One couple who lived near St Catherine's did plan on retiring back to "their" part of the UK, but fortunately were able to negotiate a several month break to go and stay over there about 2 years before retirement. They enjoyed the fact that they were close to their 2 children, but realised that everything else was back here. So plans changed, they stayed in their home near St Catherine's, she died a few years ago, and he has found a new "friend" to go on holidays and trips with
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