dannyg1001

Joe invented pot noodles

scottandsel

maybe - although not as nice as banana dipped in mayo ......

oh alright then - neighbours!



dannyg enjoys dressing as a 40's prom queen and miming to christine aguilera's candyman

helcat12

scottandsel suffers from a syndrome known as PTG (Potentially Terminal Gullibility). She thinks that Comparethemeerkat.com is a real website, feels sorry for the Scally bint in the Daz Flowerpower advert because her boyfriend cheated on her and believes they are real women discussing their bowel movements in the coffee shop over lunch.

scottandsel

(what .... isnt it? i do!! aren't they???? )

helcat believes herself to be the reincarnation of bodaccia and insists everyone calls her boady as she runs around the garden shouting "give em cake the dreaded soapfeckers are coming" dressed in a nothing but a kitchen apron running from the neighbourhood cats cos she smeared herself in tinned cat food.

Rich_007

scott of scottandsel fame was recently hospitalized overnight after a tragic incident involving a hammer, some 6 inch nails, and the consumption of several bottles of hi-grade tequila.

The conclusion to this "birthday prank"....nailing one's testicles to a garage workbench is not funny cool or clever.

Interviewed by the Asshat Immigrant-Examiner monthly newspaper, Scott was quoted as saying "I think it was the low point of my miserable, failed life. After the EMS chainsawed the workbench into a smaller section, I was taken, naked and shivering, scrotum exposed to the entire world, sorry and bleeding like an axed marmot, out into the ambulance, all of this witnessed by my neighbours. I would say it was nearly as humiliating as the time my grow show burned down while i was on vacation in Hawaii, or the time I was a mascot and my flies were left undone. Truly the only time I will ever go commando".

The video evidence was destroyed; only the (traumatic) memories remain.

Joe_Sleepy

Rich 007 can squeeze a pistachio so hard using only his anal sphincter that a small industrial grade diamond is formed. Differing nuts produce a range of precious & semi precious stones. Medium sized cashews result in fire opals, filberts turn into peridots yet the humble pecan, oddly enough, leads only to a puff of red smoke that smells faintly of pastrami on rye with a hint of horseradish.
Whilst the aroma is appetising enough it is not considered kosher....

HarryHeck

Joe_Sleepy is sadly afflicted with the world's only case of insomniac narcolepsy. This debilitating hybrid was the result of a 3-year stint as Head Lecturer in North East England Bog Archaeology at Cleethorpes Sixth Form College coupled with a prolonged period of Full Bodied Ground Peruvian abuse during the early 1970s : a lethal combination in anyone but the hardiest of individuals.

As with all recovering addicts, Joe has managed to live with his disability. By focusing his inner chakras, he can now keep the upper half of his body awake for up to six months at a time whilst the lower half maintains a much-needed slumber. This allows him to lead a relatively normal life, but the uncontrollable (and often explosive) bowel movements after eight bowls of his favourite Naga Jolokia Borsch have been known to clear entire concert venues and have resulted in him leading a somewhat nomadic lifestyle, moving from one odour-free township to the next.

He has also devoted the last three decades to a study of extinct languages, and can write in fluent Akkadian. Many suspect that this quest was bestowed upon him by some higher power with the ultimate aim of fulfilling a long-dead prophecy and guaranteeing the future survival of the human race. When questioned, however, he merely smiles and notes that "it's the only way to take your mind off the permanent smell of s**t..."


(I should note that this is my first post on this forum. Under normal circumstances I would use the standard 'Welcome' thread, but I enjoyed this one far too much and felt compelled to add something. Hello to all, and I hope I've not offended anyone...)

The4BellsLondon

HarryHeck - off topic = welcome

HarryHeck

Thanks 4BellsLondon : I've had a nice welcome so far and it's good to be sharing my experiences (read : 'The Long Wait') with people who are going through (and have already been through) this process

By the way, I heard that you're actually a rehabilitated Fembot. Is this true?

helcat12

Harry Heck is actually Sean Bean's unknown twin. They were separated at birth when their mother gave birth behind the mill race down the side of the steel works in between a 49 hour shift polishing the tines of forks. HH accidentally slipped into the water and, being the portlier of the two boys, floated naturally away. His mother was only too grateful, as earning tuppence ha'penny a month would have been stretched by having fourteen children.
HH ended up in the River Derwent via an odd string of events involving a heron and a discarded carrier bag and was discovered late one night in Matlock Bath by a Fish and Chip shop owner called Wilf by the light of the Venetian Illuminations. Taking up the pinny with a natural confidence, he became a Master Fryer at the age of 13 and was considered a child prodigy.
Something in him was uneasy, though and every time he had to set out the accoutrements on the counter before opening, he found the wooden forks strangely disturbing.
Watching an episode of Sharpe with his fiancee, Beryl (a natural match, she had an uncle with a trawler in Whitby) one November evening, she commented on the likeness.
In a flash of understanding, he realised his heritage and made an emotional trip to the place of his birth in the grimy city outskirts. There he discovered the final resting place of his dear mother, who had sadly been taken early in a freak accident with a conveyor belt and a set of dessert spoons.
His Fish and Chip restaurant now uses nothing but finest Sheffield steel - not a wooden fork in sight.

Rich_007

helcat12 was once banished to the port of Oban under royal decree, spending five long dreary years running a waterside greasy diner called Mushy Pea Love.

There was a scandal, when the council were called in to investigate rumours of the watering down of mushy peas using vinegar and tapwater, and a tragic flood during the winter of 2002 in which even the water rats drowned.

The allegations of watering down were never proven, however the flood took its toll and helcat12 sought solace and escape, preferring to serve the French Foreign Legion rather than continue the morbid outcast existence and reclusive social life that dreary Oban life provided.

scottandsel

can we get this thread on the go again as i was looking back over it an nearly wetting me tenna's

(plus i know that rich 007 lied in that last post of his sayin oban was boring cos he loved oban and secretly fancied the ole woman with the tartan rinse who worked and still does i believe in mctavishes kitchen!)

HarryHeck

Be careful what you wish for…

Scottandsel, despite her diminutive stature, demure appearance and impeccable forum etiquette, is a trained cage fighter. "Slammer" (as the fans and underground MMA aficionados will have her known) discovered her Trojan temperament and insatiable bloodlust after a nightmarish camping trip to Algonquin which saw her fight off an attack from 6 ravenous wolves, only to tragically lose 3 of her closest friends to skunkmusk poisoning in what can only be described as an exquisite example of Mother Nature displaying a solid grasp of the two-pronged attack strategy.

From the point that Scottandsel woke up in the leafy clearing the next morning covered in wolf blood and skunk faeces, she vowed vengeance on her lost camping compatriots. A pilgrimage to the temple of Sing Lung in Qinghai Province resulted in a 4-year intensive training residency during which she mastered the fabled 'Lion's Roar' technique. She returned to Algonquin with fire in her eyes and a pelvic thrust capable of denting steel an inch thick.

Vengeance was swift and calculated : the district office of the Ministry of Natural Resources had reported unusually low wolf and skunk populations by the end of the hunting season. There were also numerous reports of a naked harridan roaming the trails late at night, howling during full moons and sales at Canadian Tyre. Although no one saw anything more than a blur, reports of "The Screaming Red" struck fear into the hearts of rangers and campers alike over the summer months.

With retribution exacted, Scottandsel returned to normal life and the old day job at X-Rated Phil's Exxxotic Video Store (the fact that Phil kept her job open without question for the best part of 5 years is the subject of a completely different and considerably more disturbing tale…), only to find her previous existence strangely unrewarding. She craved adventure, excitement and the potential challenge of being backed into a corner by a 350lb bearded redneck with no teeth, one working eye and a hook instead of a left hand. With hindsight, there appeared to be only one path left for our erstwhile heroine.

What little that remains is already known. Slammer is enormously successful on the underground MMA scene and is rumoured to be lined up for a glass knuckles bout with GSP at the end of the year. Ever on the lookout for a new challenge, she is also known to have taken up surfing in homage to her beloved Keanu. Quite how she manages to stay up on Niagara rapids, however, is anyone's guess…

scottandsel

"350lb bearded redneck with no teeth, one working eye and a hook instead of a left hand."

ahhh slight exaggeration, some of the women have teeth!

harryheck is not sean beans lost twin as he so calmly states! he is in fact the long lost twin brother of the guy who plays boromir in bored of the rings, a part that harryheck auditioned for but they said he sounded and looked nothing like a northerner trying to put on a northern accent and his chin was definitly not big enough, so poor harryheck had to resign himself to working his day job as juan here being interviewed;

helcat12

scottandsel had a troubled childhood. Left on the doorstep of an expensive Manhattan apartment by her self-professed "high class" hooker mother, she was discovered lying in a rip-off Burberry holdall and using a Rampant Rabbit as a dummy.
Immortalised in the classic and much misunderstood film noir, Three Men and a Little Lady, her early years were a catalogue of disasters and distressing incidents. Prevented from attending a top boarding school which would have nurtured her intelligence and early talent in Post-Modernist Art by her three jealous and clueless guardians, she was doomed to a life in the seedy world of celluloid. Never knowing her real father (was it Tom Selleck, Ted Danson or the other one?) caused her deep psychological trauma, leading her to develop a phobia of excessively groomed moustaches and a fear of premature baldness which ultimately led her to a secret life of drink and Marmite abuse. Despite this, she was able to use her contacts to begin to climb the slippery pole of fame, starting out with a bit part walking Higgins' Dobermans in an episode of Magnum PI and later moving on to a bit part in Desperate Housewives where, prophetically, she played a fellow recovering alcoholic friend of Bree Van De Kamp and got to pass her a hankie.
Never reaching the heights she aspired to and always on the periphery of true stardom, she began to attract attention for her off-screen antics. A fleeting and ill-fated affair with washed-up rocker Axl Rose saw allegations of violence and a perturbing YouTube video (filmed on a mobile telephone by their pool man ) involving cream cheese and a blow-up Elmo.
A regrettable Press expose in which she was secretly filmed in the powder room of the notoriously sleazy Frisky a-Go-Go club snorting Splenda off a toilet seat with Eva Longoria saw her axed from the show (although, surprisingly, Eva was spared the humiliation after a large sum changed hands to have the photos doctored to superimpose her face with that of Britney Spears, which wouldn't surprise anybody.).
Sad, lonely and ironically, desperate, scottandsel now runs a market stall selling fake Burberry in Sutton Coldfield, where she is largely unknown due to their inability to get Channel 4 reception since the changeover to digital.