Morbid Question
 

My MIL is being buried. I have never been to a burial and am really not looking forward to it (hubby is a little shocked too, we thought it would be a nice tidy cremation).

Can anyone tell me the protocol please?

Thank you.

Re: Morbid Question
 

they have the church service which depending on religion is similar to a cremation, a catholic mass takes a while, then the coffin is carried out to the graveside, the vicar/priest says a few words and the coffin is lowered in.

That bit is a little strange, especially when you have to throw the dirt in. I personally don't like burials, but I think it more because I wouldn't want to be buried.

Re: Morbid Question
 

What do you mean protocol?
The burial normally happens after the Church service and for me seeing the coffin put into the ground was the most upsetting part of the whole day.

Not much else to say really.. :(

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Thank you. Dreading the graveside bit - how depressing, much perfer the idea of curtain going round box with soft music playing in the warm.

Whats the reckoning it's going to be tipping down while we throw clumps of mud into a black whole.:ohmy:

Just saw your post Danny B
I dunno, just wondered what happened really - only seen it on the telly as I have only attended cremations. Seems like it happens as on telly.

Re: Morbid Question
 

Yes burials usually happen after a service of some kind unless the deceased is not religious when it would be dispensed with. If a churchyard is not used for a burial then it can take place in another kind of setting which is registered for the purpose, as an example there is a woodland near Norwich where 'green' burials take place.

Re: Morbid Question
 

Also might depend on where you're from - I know that sounds a bit strange, but my Gran was Scottish and apparently it's customary for the family to lower the coffin (normally it would be the funeral parlour staff I believe). I did the lowering of my Gran after she passed away a couple of years ago in place of my dad (her son) who passed away 10 and a half years ago.

Seeing the coffin being lowered is bad enough but doing the lowering....

I'm definitely being cremated and I want everyone to wear red and a saxophonist playing in the corner plus no religious element or as little as possible please. Although I hope we don't have to actually put any of this into practise just yet.

Funerals are never good but I hope that it goes as well as can be expected - my thoughts are with you.

Zoe M. x:heart:

Re: Morbid Question
 

Thanks everyone.

Re: Morbid Question
 

Despite being 27 I have been to over 40 funerals of friends and family - please feel free to PM any questions you have. Luckily for me, the vast majority of those have been people who have lead amazing lives so they were celerations of their lives, but sadly a few were for people whose lives were cut short.

I'm constantly surprised at the number of friends who are in their late 20s and have never been to a funeral. Mr L2S went to first first at 24. He and his siblings were asking me so many questions before because they just didn't know what to expect.

I don't have much experience other than at C of E, and other "traditional" English religions that you find in Surrey

It's a lot easier if the graveyard is attached to the Church. If you are going to have to drive from Church then make sure that you know the route, and ask the undertakers to organise car-sharing / car-pooling and reserve parking. I remember once, my parents getting very stressed that we couldn't find a parking space (last thing you need - both lack of parking and my mother being stressed)

Wear sensible shoes for walking on grass, especially if it's p!ssing it down.

Hopefully the priest / vicar and / or undertakers will help guide where people should stand as there typically won't be any chairs. The priest / vicar will stand on one side of the grave, and everyone else on the otherside facing priest / vicar. Immediate family nearest to the grave, and then spreading back in a similar order to where they sat in the Church.

Once coffin is in grave, FIL should go first in throwing soil, then children and their spouses, then siblings etc. If your FIL is worried about when he should start this, ask the priest / vicar / undertaker to give a subtle nod.

Not to scare you, but I have always found the lowering the coffin into the ground part to be very traumatic and opens the flood-gates.

When we went back for my Great Uncles funeral in May, he was a Catholic, so my parents asked the undertakers and Priest to take a more proactive approach to guiding us through. Whereas my Grandfather was C of E so we knew what was going.

I had to email the Chirch's secretary to ask her for a copy of the Hail Mary which I was doing as I hadn't a clue after the first line - she said it was a first for her!!!

So if you, or your FIL have any questions, worries or concerns I would ask the undertakers before.

Also I find the "flattest" part if afterwards, in the evening when it's all over, everyone has gone home and you are left with a plate of chicken drum sticks and some cucumber sandwiches from the wake. It's a completely personal thing and probably unknown about how you are all going to feel, but I would try and have something organised (we were very jet-lagged so went straight to bed). Be it a favourite family film that you can all watch together, or arranging to see some other friends.

I think it might have been mentioned before but I found it worth mentioning to the airline that we were returning for a funeral (even if not using a bereavement fare)

Good luck
L2S

Re: Morbid Question
 

L2S

That is very helpful thank you.

This is going to be a bloody nightmare. The wake is going to be held at the village hall and if I remember correctly the Church is just round the corner from the house (street is called Rectory Close).

Hubby was sounding stronger today than he has since 1st hearing of his Mums death. I will make sure I have pockets of tissues. Me and daughter are likely to be jet lagged too.

I always thought I'd like one of them green burials with a nice tree planted on top, but now I think a nice cremation and a memorial tree. At least this gives us the opportunity to talk about what we would like for ourselves and each other and it is drumming home the importance of a will!

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In my experience I would prefer to have what one person here called a celebration. I have been to several of those. Usually people get up and tell funny stories about the person and that is nice I think. Makes you remember them as they were.

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I've only attended one burial. It took place in a cemetery rather than a church yard and it was raining very hard. The throwing the earth on the coffin bit was orchestrated by the chap leading proceedings. He offered a dish of very fine, sieved, dry earth in the appropriate order (oldest son first etc). Very subtly and calmly done, no stress on the part of the bereaved, and certainly no dirty hands after heaving of clods of wet mud into the grave.

Hope this helps.

Re: Morbid Question
 

Friends here in BC tell me it is not currently possible here to have a green burial. I was surprised so investigated a bit. Looks like they were right.

http://naturalburial.coop/canada/

Re: Morbid Question
 

I've attended two burials - my Grandparents, so I thought i'd share with you a little story about my Grandfathers funeral

Now I know funerals are very sad & serious occasions but sometimes things happen that make you laugh - yes, even at funerals.

We had the service & then we had to drive about 6 miles to the cemetery. The cars arrived at the cemetery & everyone made their way to the hearse so that we could follow my Grandad being carried to the grave side.

Just as he was being lifted from the hearse, there was the biggest BANG, which made us all jump - one of the tyres had burst on the hearse :eek:

Everyone laughed & everyone said how my Grandad would have laughed as well. People were saying how it was a good job it didn't happen while we were driving there - imagine driving past a hearse jacked up with the undertakers putting on the spare - now that would have been funny (in my eyes :o)

Well one thing for sure, my Grandad certainly went out with a bang :)



Hope it goes alright for you Piff & have a safe journey.

Thinking of you,

Arris

Re: Morbid Question
 

I tend to focus on getting through the next little bit rather on the whole, at Al's grandma's funeral they had to carry the coffin to the grave, the graveyard was on a mountain side and it was p*ssing it down.

Everyone who was carrying the coffin was slipping on the grass, the rest of us were walking behind anxiously waiting for someone to slip over and drop the coffin. Fortunatley this didn't happen, but I had a hard time stoping the nervous laughter.:ohmy:

For my nan's funeral we arranged a family night in the pub after everyone and gone, we joined in the pub quiz and got totally trollied, it was a good fun night. After my grans funeral I went bowling, I'd agree that you should go and try to do something after the funeral.

Sharon

Re: Morbid Question
 

So sorry to hear about your MIL - I personally cannot "do" gravesides - no matter who it is friend or family I can only get as far as the graveside gates. Then I just do my bit and say "bye" to whoever it is there in my own way. Just thinking of it makes me well up - Just remember you don't have to go to the graveside if you don't want to - you can say all you want to say from anywhere in the world - your MIL will still be able to hear you.

Condolences are sent from us to your family - remember all the memories you have of your MIL :)
Mike & Lesley
x

Re: Morbid Question
 

My mum was buried. I find it rather comforting that she is "there" in some way and dad can go talk to her from time to time.

Everybody was doing the stiff upper lip thing until my daughter just started to bawl as I think she realised the finality of grandma going into the ground, then the tears started to flow. I dont see any harm in tears at the graveside at all, I think it was rather cathartic and everyone sort of felt better for it and then we could focus on the happy memories.

Sorry about your loss piff, its a sad reason to make the trip back. My thoughts are with you.

Re: Morbid Question
 

Thank you all for sharing your sad stories.

I don't think there will be anything arranged for when it's all done as they are just not that sort of people. Besides my hubby, my daughter and myself after the wake there will be a close cousin and some of the german rellies are flying in to for the funeral so I guess they'll be around.

My mothers been winding me up (I try to think how lucky I am). I was telling her how my hubby almost broke down as he went through to security at the airport, he hasn't yet fallen apart and was worried about all sorts of things and things were starting to hit home all at once, she told me he needed to get a bit of a backbone - what a biatch. I let her know what I thought of that comment. I mean crikey it's not like he turned into a piece of jelly and couldn't move, he got on with it, swallowed his feelings and behaved like a normal human being that's happy with the world - no one would have known.

I spoke to hubby yesterday and all his fears were unfounded and he sounded really good and relieved. At least the funeral is relatively quick so we can get the worst over and done with.

My heart goes out to anyone that loses a loved one.

Re: Morbid Question
 

When my Nan passed, she was cremated, my Grandad scattered her ashes in their two favourite places.

My Nan had a musical jewellery box (the sort you wind up), that hadn't made a sound for years, shortly after her passing this box would just start playing, my Grandad didn't like to think my Nan had anything to do with it, so passed the box to my Mum. The box will occasionally play there too.

Re: Morbid Question
 

I found for the first few days after my mum passed away that I was so busy organising travel and passports and transportation etc that it was only after all that was done and we were actually in the UK that things caught up with me.

Your mums not the most sypathetic type then?:eek:

Re: Morbid Question
 

I don't really know what throwing mud/soil on the coffin signifies, but it is something I can't bring myself to do. Before my Dads' funeral I explained my feelings about it to my Mum, I wouldn't have thrown mud at my Dad at any other time so I really didn't want to do it at his funeral.
We spoke to my brothers about it and we all felt the same. We explained how we felt to the funeral directors and at the graveside, we all stepped back when the mud/soil was passed around, this worked well for us. We then went and celebrated his life.

thinking of you and your family

Rosie

Re: Morbid Question
 

Evidently not!:blink:

Re: Morbid Question
 

I have just got back to my office after burying a friend. Not that close a friend, but someone I have shared goods times and not a few drinks with over the last eight years.

He was devoutly Jewish and this was the first Jewish funeral I have attended. The Rabbi explained that everyone at the funeral was required to shovel dirt onto the coffin. As he said, our last duty to our family and friends is to ensure they are properly laid to rest.

The Rabbi also told a story that struck me. The story was about a woman who was trying to work out how to explain to her husband that his beloved son had been killed in an accident. When her husband arrived home she said,

"Imagine your father had given you a fabulous diamond for safe keeping for a few years." She said. "Would you mind if he asked for it back?"

"No" relied the husband.

"Would you be sad?"

"No, of course not" he replied again.

She then opened the door to the room where their son's body was laid out.

I'm not a religious person, but if I was I would find this very comforting.


I was also surprised about how many good jokes there were in the service - and I only understood the ones in English. Despite this, it's been a **** morning.

Re: Morbid Question
 

And just to show how I am all wrapped up in self-pity, I forgot to pass on my best wishes to Piff Poff.

Re: Morbid Question
 

I'm sorry for your loss - sounds like it was a nice service though, thanks for the thoughts.

Re: Morbid Question
 

In France,some families will chose to throw a flower on the coffin rather than the mud/soil

hope all goes well for you Piff Poff
vee

Re: Morbid Question
 

That sounds lovely, may get a flower for my daughter as she is pretty horrified at the thought of throwing the soil, she may be happier with a flower though.

She was my flower girl at my wedding and had a basket of petals and flowers and she was carrying them beautifully, we were nearing the 'spot' on the beach and I told her she was supposed to be throwing the flowers on the ground, she gave me look of disgust and reluctantly threw down the petals (as hard as you can throw a petal) and kept the complete flowers for herself. During the ceremony she collected all the petals and spinkled them around our feet:wub:

Re: Morbid Question
 

when my brother died he was buried, we put flower and photo's in his coffin before they closed it. I was so distraught , when they lowered him in that dark hole i lost my footing, if it hadn't been for my cousins quick reaction i would of been in their with him.

Re: Morbid Question
 

my grandad, bless him, had a c of e funeral..despite being non religious. The church service was more about jesus than him.

I too was confused, and there is a long story tehre i'm not going to regale, but ended up putting two roses down on the rememberance stone, not realising they would be transported from the church there. He was cremated th ough, so we had the curtain thing, and then a thing at hte plot. and then to grandma's.

My uncle, who was as irreverant as they come had a Unitarian funeral. We designed it. Dad told a story about his first business endeaver and I read out a better place. And I made it htrough without crying. Took a lot though. And then they had the curtain closing. We made some people smile wiht the stories. That was good. And then we went to the pub where he had left some money behind the bar in his will - enough for 2 drinks for everyone.

I'm a practicing pagan -i'd love a green funeral. But as a result of these funerals we all know what each other wants for their funeral. Mum wants 'roll out the barrels' to be played and pubbing afterwards.

But thank you for remidning me I need to put my living will and will otgehter. Even if not legal they're good notices of my wants to my family, and they will respect them where possible and legal.