Disaster for us
 

Firstly let me say I've created a new identity because I'm embarrassed about my situation. Things were looking up until very very recently. And now everything has gone wrong.

We came to Vancouver a few years ago. We couldn't have been happier at the prospect, and had planned this since 2001.

However our experience in Canada, particularly Vancouver, has been nothing short of a nightmare for many reasons.

My first employer was hiring people on short term contracts but going through the motions of giving out full time jobs. Of course had I known this I would have never subjected my family to this risk. So within a few months I found myself stranded here on a work permit and no right to work elsewhere.

Many employers are NOT sympathetic to people going through the immigration process. I had 6 months of interviews when I finally managed to find 2 open minded employers, to be offered the job and then have it withdrawn because they'd given up waiting for Canadian Immigration to get the paperwork in order.

Finally I found an employer who would sponsor through PNP and we're now fully landed. However, I recently had to leave the job due to excessive stress.

Now my entire family is in a state of deep depression, turning against each other. My daughter is starting to withdraw. This is so upsetting I cannot even describe it. My younger child is ok at the moment, but my spouse who's been in dispair has now turned on me. And to top it off there's nobody we can turn to here. Nobody cares.

I just want us to pack up and go. However nobody is selling homes and we bought a home so this option just doesn't exist.

Sorry that this message is confused. This is the state we're in. A lot of people are going to say this is just our situation, don't blame it on Canada. Well we're not blaming it on anyone. However this happened in Canada to a perfectly happy contented family. Canada IS part of all of this, perhaps all of this.

In part this post is a warning that things are not as rosy as people would have you believe. Secondly this is an appeal for help, but not for sympathy. We need good solid advice

Thank you

Re: Disaster for us
 

OMG I just realized how close this post is to the BNP list one. Our anonymity has nothing to do with that, please be assured

Re: Disaster for us
 

I'm just shooting off, so no time for a considered response except to say how very sorry I am to hear how bad things seem to be for you.:(

I do hope you will find the support you are looking for, both on here and more locally, in Vancouver.

Re: Disaster for us
 

Not sure if I can help but wondered if you really want to sell your house have you contacted Frank'n Sense who posts on here? See links below

http://britishexpats.com/forum/member.php?u=32475

http://www.relocation2bc.com/

He may be able to help in some way.

Good luck what ever happens

HN

Re: Disaster for us
 

Sorry to learn of your situation. Sometimes everything seems to go pear-shaped. Probably because everyone is out of shape discussing things becomes virtually impossible. Resentment sets in and no-one wants to give. I think it's time to seek some professional help before things skid totally out of control. Some type of family counselling is needed. I don't know where one gets this in Vancouver but I'm sure it's available.

Re: Disaster for us
 

Thank you all so far. Are there any help groups or sites? Or phone numbers of such?

Re: Disaster for us
 

Hopefully someone local will pop in with some help lines.

In the mean time contact Frank and see if he can help and then use Google to find help lines. Maybe your GP could help you out as well.

Good luck

Re: Disaster for us
 

Sorry I can't help directly, and I'm not going to offer "sympathy" because it's no use to you.

I will empathise though. I went though a tough spell - and it was damned tough. You probably understand just how tough, most others won't.

- Look inside yourself, remember the reasons you moved here and try to find that motivation and spirit inside.
- Don't doubt yourself, keep the self belief alive ("it's not you, it's them" attitude even if it seems arrogant).
- If it's not meant to be it's not meant to be.

R.

Re: Disaster for us
 

I too will offer empathetic vibes across the airwaves - may not be much help, but here they come ... I'm sad you feel embarrassed and have a new identity to tell your tale. This is nothing to be embarrassed about really but I can understand why you may feel that way. Many before you have described some awful experiences here, and many have muddled through to live another day. I am hopeful some will see fit to write to you here.

This may not be the place to comment, as you are really asking for solid advice/help/leads to move on from your current situation. I'd like to just put some ideas out for you to ponder, if I may?

Firstly, before the first job went wrong, what were your initial gut feelings about your new home - do you remember all that time ago? Did you feel uneasy or unhappy, or did you think "yep, this is gonna work". Also - what was your family's general overview after a few months? I ask this as it may clarify your true feelings about the place which have got lost or tainted with each new bad experience. But I guess it may just serve to highlight that the rose-tinted's were on for the first 3 months too ;)

Is your spouse currently working? Do you have an income? Nothing feeds stress and depression like lack of money.

Have you seen your GP to discuss your stress levels and current unhappiness? I am kind of assuming yes (due to leaving your employment but you may have just instigated this yourself and quit?). Has a GP taken you seriously and offered any kind of assistance or direction to help you get your thoughts, stress levels and depression on track again? This would be worth pursuing IMHO.

When you say you'd just like to sell up and go, I presume you mean return to the UK? Is this a specific well-thought out plan, or something you had been thinking about anyway - or an escape route to get away from all things Canadian. I ask this because even if you sold up, and moved (next month for example), what would be so very different in the UK in the current climate at the moment? Could you find work easily if you were up to it? Do you have family or very good friends that could help you out and support you (emotionally or otherwise) - honestly?

If you and your spouse are not communicating very well at the mo, do you feel there is a 'blame' undercurrent, or something even more deep? Do either of you have anyone to talk to? Like, proper talking. Any new friends in Canada - any old friends you can just get on the phone or skype to, to bounce some ideas and vent and rant a bit? Anyone that knows you both pretty well to throw some new ideas and love in your general direction?

We obviously don't know what you do for work, and you have probably not mentioned this for very specific reasons of anonymity - but how would you feel about doing a fairly "easy" job for an income (even if insultingly low pay) but which gets you out of the house, allows you to earn and feel useful, but not harassed to the point to stress. No responsiblity really.

Now that you are fully landed, I guess you have the option to get or choose any job you wish? It must have been horrendously stressful being initially tied to one employer, then struggling to convince other employers to take you on. Horrible. But you are now in the stronger position. You are legal, you can choose to some degree and you have some Canadian experience, albeit a little choppy through no fault of you own. Do you see any positive spin to this, or are you in a deep despair that you will never work again right now? 'Cos you will, you know. You will come out of this.

I've written too much - but could go on. I won't ! :o

Rich_007 has summed it up well I think.

My vibes are still winging their way ;)

Re: Disaster for us
 

Hi, just wanted to offer some support - even if it's only cyber support;). I think Ann m has given you some wonderful insights to mull over and think about. Do you feel better for writing it all down? I can't imagine how your feeling, I know my friend is going through much the same and all I can offer is an ear. Don't be embarrassed about having a hard time, a lot of us on here have been through hard times at different stages of our lives and some of us are having the hard times now, you have a wonderful resource here and I hope someone local to you gets in touch, just having a cuppa with someone can help. Take one day at a time.:wub:

Re: Disaster for us
 

Ann, thank you for the detailed response and questions. I'm taking the key ones and trying to find answers here.


What were my initial feelings about Canada and my new home here?

Well really like anyone, very excited, but feeling a bit out of our depth. I also sensed on almost day 1 that my job wasn't going to work out. But it was being sent out to Toronto and being victimized by a bunch of sharks there that finished me off. My reputation was more or less destroyed before it had even arrived, and now these toe rags are powerful people here. Like many people in my field, it's useless outside of it. I either work in it and stay, or leave. I cannot describe my fury around this. I'm still reputed throughout the UK but here I'm considered to be scum.

Spouse working?

No. I've always had to fend for myself. Despite my families ability to help, they simply wouldn't under any circumstances. We did have a situation where we needed it before and they simply tried to rip us off.

Speak to GP around leaving job?

No I didn't. I didn't consider I needed anyone to tell me what I already knew and the employer (at the time) had been so fair to me that I really didn't want to take sick leave. My stress wasn't actually over my job so much, which was relatively easy going, but the need to be at home to keep the peace.

Sell up and move well thought out?

I've always preached to people that there's no point in moving because of issues. In fact it drives me crazy when I hear people have moved to Canada because they are escaping from something. It's not the right reason to move. And not the reason I moved.

The UK offers me infinitely more opportunities. I would be extremely unlikely to have any time out of work unless I chose it. Working life is not as laid back but it's much better rewarded. Higher pay, far better benefits, real bonuses. Chances of promotion. I didn't see anyone promoted here. People left jobs and gained a promotion that way but never in my experience within their existing job.

In Vancouver I've only ever been able to achieve pay cuts every year and have moved backward in my career. Yet things that you don't even think of paying for in UK are totally unpredictable here. More specifically are things you have absolutely no control over. It's perhaps no surprise that many people here are broke, and scrape by on borderline poverty in many cases. This doesn't describe my situation, but only because I've always worked hard and been extremely careful with building a safety net, and making low risk financial decisions.

So here's a couple of my own questions to myself...

Would I have moved out to Canada with hindsight?
Probably not. It's nowhere near the picture that I'd spent years developing.

Can anyone be happy here?
Yes but you need a lot of luck and stability early on.

If I leave would I consider moving back?
Yes. However the opportunities would never arise. It costs a fortune each time and the disruption on family too great.

Re: Disaster for us
 

ok regarding yoru situation - we can always listen. I can't help with practicalities, but if you need someone to listen or to email aside from us, samaritans are always there to listen. They are a wonderful service, and truly a listening ear when you need it most.

them prioritise what you need. What you want. And see if you can reach a consensus within the family and go for it.
You might need professional mediation for that.

Best of luck and let us k now how its going.

Re: Disaster for us
 

Have you looked at the possibility of moving elsewhere in Canada? Definately speak to Frank and Sue re selling your house, find out what your options are and go from there. Just because you originally picked Vancouver, doesn't mean its the best place for you.

My thoughts are with you.

Amy x

Re: Disaster for us
 

It may help to relieve some stress if you could call the crisis line to talk
with a crisis intervention volunteer.
http://www.crisiscentre.bc.ca/distress/faq.php
All the best.
Yoong

Re: Disaster for us
 

I'm truly sorry to hear how awful things have been for you. It sounds like your family is in a state of crisis right now and needs some serious help. Honestly, take Yoong's advise and contact a crisis line, they can refer you on to sources to help.

For what it's worth, I am probably amongst many many immigrants who had it all go sour in the first year. We had a lifetime of awful stuff happen to us in our first year, and were absolutely destitute for a time. After sinking every penny we had into our first home here, following assurances in writing from my husband's employer that the employment was sound and long term - he got laid off the day we parted company with our money, and we were locked into paying a mortgage. No unemployment insurance, we hadn't been here long enough. Serious health issues with one child. Marriage falling apart. Lots of other stuff. But, we got through it, and are still here 30+ years later.

It wasn't Canada's fault, or Vancouver's fault. As for the employer - well he could at least have warned us, knowing we were about to buy a house. But sh*t happens. I am now glad we stuck it out and believe we live in the best place in the world.

Hopefully you are getting help dealing with your stress and depression. It could be that you need to return to the UK, but you will still have the same issues to deal with and your health is the most important thing. If you want, PM me and feel free to dump on my shoulders. I might live close enough to you to help a bit.

Re: Disaster for us
 

Here are the links to mental health teams and support groups in
Vancouver.Support group like Changeways program at UBC requires a
referral by a GP or Psychiatrist.

http://www2.vpl.vancouver.bc.ca/DBs/...Pgs/6/663.html

http://www.addcoach4u.com/vancouver/...onsupport.html

Re: Disaster for us
 

I too have lived through pressure at work over here. I can empathise.

Re: Disaster for us
 

Could you rent your house out and make enough on the income to pay the mortgage? Then sell up later when the market is moving more, or you could afford to take the hit?

It sounds like you would really like to return to the UK, and that your prospects would be better there. Do you think that is what the rest of your family would like to do?

We rented out our house in the UK to come over here. I suspect that I am making a small loss each month and will continue to do so, but it has freed us up to move.

I think whenever making a huge move such as emigrating there is always the risk that it won't work out. When things went wrong for us in New York (my husband's office closed, and with it went all of our visas) we were going to go back to England. As it happens we have moved again, but I don't think returning to the UK would have been an admission of failure, and even though my husband's experience in the States was a very poor one (bullying, a terrible work ethic and poor management practice) and we lost a great deal of money I still think our experience was on the whole a positive one. Knowing that lots of people would have been very glad to have us back also made a big difference.

If you were able to return to the UK do you think it would help your family dynamics? Or make it easier to access help perhaps?

Re: Disaster for us
 

I'm sorry for you and our family.It must be tough but nothing ever stays the same, even the good stuff. You will get through it.

Go through it in steps...

Get help for what is happening today first.. your emotional state and your familys (how can you make any type of reasonable decisions if you feel lost and confused and maybe even gulity)

From there do what works for you, everyone is different.I make lists.Do's and don'ts / positives and negatives / disadvantages and advantages.I'm visual when I see it written down its much clearer and you can refer back to it.

You need to get a plan even if it rough,got holes in it, just having it will make you feel so much better .One step leads to another, things change bit by bit and thats when you will feel better and able to tackle things correctly with a clear head and have a better chance of making the right decision.

Don't run home quite yet.If you like Canada and and your family is settled try again.There are idiots everywhere you just got unlucky...You'll be OK,talk to people whoever you can,nobody can do it alone.

Keep us all posted on how you are.

Good luck,
Eve

Re: Disaster for us
 

Hi there

I am very sorry to hear of your situation.

Alot of what people have said is very sensible and something you may think of doing - calling crisis etc, and getting things off your chest with a person who's non judgemental etc...

I live in Vancouver, and curently work for a recruitment company. I have no idea what line of work you are in, but I'm more than happy to try and help if I can.

It seems however, you have family issues to resolve before getting back on the work wagon.

Anyway - PM if you want to, and I will do my best to help if I can, and even if I can't help job wise, I dont' mine being a sounding board for you either.

Take care of yourself.

Bx

Re: Disaster for us
 

Empathy from me too... When things start going wrong and you are undermined by stress you can be overwhelmed by a flurry of consecutive bad things (yep I too have worn the t-shirt). It sounds trite to say "Think Positive" but it's so important to get the mindset right.

In the end recovery is always a sequence of small steps. In the depth of my misery I couldn't see any reason to be positive... for me the first step was forcing myself to attend a yoga class (many had recommended it, I pooh-poohed the idea for too long). I came out feeling astonishingly less stressed and that tiny improvement generated just enough positivity for me to take the next step... and the next.

If I read you right, perhaps the most crucial thing in your case is to repair the family relationships. You have to find the 'right' counsellor (someone you all feel good with) for counselling to work, but when it does, it's brilliant at helping brush aside the time-consuming and energy-sapping stuff that's dragging everyone down and helping you focus on what's really necessary. For me that turned out to be my family over my career and I am so thankful I realised that before it was too late.

Re: Disaster for us
 

Thank you everyone for your responses. I apologise for not responding earlier but am sure you understand that although these forums help, dealing with situations like ours involves spending less time of forums like this, although we're taking much of the advice here. I wasn't expecting so much constructive and practical advice, and it is this that is really helping us. I cannot tell you how much we appreciate this.

Our situation has not improved much but has changed. Feel free to PM me any time. I will respond when I'm logged in next.

Thank you again.

Re: Disaster for us
 

GOOD LUCK , THOUGHTS ARE WITH YOU