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WEEKEND STUFF

WEEKEND STUFF

Old Jul 28th 2012, 5:49 pm
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 5:51 pm
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This is my new neighbor:



She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny!
I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have sex all night long.
Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

It’s no fun being old!!!
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 5:52 pm
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Default Re: WEEKEND STUFF

ARE YOU INSURED FOR ANY SEX?



Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you may be getting. Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:


Sex with your wife - Legal & General.

Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.

Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.

Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.

Sex with a Fat bird - More Than.

Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.

Sex with a posh bird - Privileged.

Sex with an OAP - Saga !

Sex with a transvestite - confused.com!
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 5:55 pm
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sfunny
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 5:56 pm
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some pics
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photos_and_more.pps (2.53 MB, 76 views)
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 5:57 pm
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U.S. Postal service sent out a message to all letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets to keep yellow-jackets away.

Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer. I use it when I am working outside. It really works. The insects just veer around you.

All this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer!

1. It will chase ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice.

2. Spread sheets around foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.

3. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened too often.

4. It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when outdoors during mosquito season.

5. Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.

6. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.

7. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.

8. To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in a drawer or hang in the closet.

9. Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.

10. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of Bounce before beginning to sew.

11. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside empty luggage before storing.

12. To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the front seat.

13. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill with water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean.The anti-static agent apparently weakens the bond between the food and the pan.

14. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom of the wastebasket.

15. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will magnetically attract all the loose hairs.

16. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.

17. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.

18. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce at the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.

19. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or sneakers overnight.

20. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.

21. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and storing them. It will keep them smelling fresh.

22. Wet a Bounce sheet, hose down your car, and wipe love bugs off easily with the wet Bounce.

23. Put a sheet of Bounce in your suitcase when traveling, it will help keep mites or any other critters out of it. While you are at it, travel with several Bounce sheets and run them up and down your bed linen before getting into bed, it will cause all the critters already in your bed to run. Keep a sheet in your suitcase even after you have unpacked to protect your suitcases from bugs nesting in it.

Quick, bounce this on within the next 5 minutes! Nothing will happen if you don't, but your friends will be glad to hear these hints!
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 6:01 pm
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Default Re: WEEKEND STUFF

how to get drama

http://youtube.googleapis.com/v/316A...%3d1%26rel%3d0
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 6:02 pm
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One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord
my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, Please no bags

And please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, Please no grey

And as for my belly, Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,

And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 6:12 pm
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Where Do Old Bumper Cars Go?
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 6:13 pm
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The phone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?"
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 6:17 pm
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----------Whether you like Bill Gates or not...this is pretty
cool. Here's some advice Bill Gates recently dished out
at a high school speech about 11 things they did not
learn in school. He talks about how feel-good,
politically correct teaching has created a full
generation of kids with no concept of reality and how
this concept sets them up for failure in the real
world.

RULE 1
Life is not fair - get used to it.

RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world
will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel
good about yourself.

RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out
of high school. You won't be a vice president with
car phone, until you earn both.

RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a
boss. He doesn't have tenure.

RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
grandparents had a different word for burger flipping
they
called it Opportunity.

RULE 6
If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

RULE 7
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as
they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about
how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.


RULE 8
Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life has not. In some schools they have abolished
failing grades and they'll give you as many times as
you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9
Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get
summers off and very few employers are interested in
helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

RULE 10
Television is NOT real life. In real life people
actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for
one.



of course Bill Gates never said any of it
It's an excerpt from the book "Dumbing Down our Kids" by educator Charles Sykes. ...nobody had heard of him
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 6:20 pm
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Two Irishmen were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of turf.
Jimmy said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat den?” asks Mikey.
“Send me lawn away to be mowed."
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 6:24 pm
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BA launched a new Olympics themed advert yesterday which is quite clever BUT the REALLY clever bit is you can put in any UK postcode or address (or try both) and "thanks to CGI and Google Maps", the advert will include the B777 taxiing up your road! Put your Postcode in the box just to the left of the "Go"


See: http://taxi.ba.com/
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 6:26 pm
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Default Re: WEEKEND STUFF

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"
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Old Jul 28th 2012, 6:27 pm
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My trip to the store
There was a bit of confusion at the supermarket this morning. When I
was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my M.P. about the Store Security
running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out
that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

I think they need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!
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