novita77

Then out of

Cleri

a top hat

britex01

popped a strange

---

Cleri

woman with a



afternoon sweetie

Desdemona

carrot in one

britex01

hand and a

---

gazz

big satisfied grin

britex01

after deflowering a

---

Ray

Swimming Contest
Three guys entered a disabled swimming contest.The first had no arms, the second no legs and the third was only a head. The whistle blew and they were all in the pool.
The guy with no arms took the lead instantly, but the one with no legs was catching up quickly. The head, of course, sank right to the bottom.
Several lengths later, the guy with no legs finished first.
As he looked around, he could still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decided he had better dive down to rescue the head.
He dove down, picked up the head and swam back up to the surface.

When he placed the head at the side of the pool, the head began coughing and sputtering.
When the head finally caught his breath, he shouted, "I've spent over three years learning how to swim with my fe*king ears, then two minutes before the whistle some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

Ray

Lesson In Sharing
A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler.
The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer
Grandpa replied 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little pecker!'
Grandpa said, 'Then you're not man enough to have a beer.'
A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar.
The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a cigar?'
Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch you're ass?'
The little boy answered 'no,' again.
Grandpa said, 'Then your not man enough to have a cigar.'
A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?'
The boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ass? '
Grandpa replied, 'Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!'
The boy replied, 'Then go ***** yourself! Grandma made these for me

Ray

Not since 1955...
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma´am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said:
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma´am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said:
"You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said:
"You know, I hope you don´t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma´am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said:
"Wow, you sure didn´t forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice:
"I hope not, it´s only 2130 now."

Ray

Kids Stories!
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.' Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining roo m to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

My wife left the car unattended for only a minute, but it was long enough for our two-year-old to climb in, throw the car into reverse and crash into a lamppost. He was fine, but the car wasn't, and I had a hard time explaining who was behind the wheel to the insurance company. After a pause, the adjuster asked, 'Do you let him drive often?'

One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, 'Do you think she'll die?' 'Nope,' a little girl in the back said. 'I saw this last night on Fear Factor.'

My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone 'Hello,' she whispered. 'Hi, honey. How's your mother?' I asked. 'She's sleeping,' she answered, again in a whisper. 'Did she go to the doctor?' I asked. 'Yes. She got some medicine,' my niece said softly. 'Well, don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?' Again in a soft whisper, she answered, 'Practicing my trumpet.'

On a brutally humid day, I walked past a miniature golf course and saw a dad following three small children from hole to hole. 'Who's winning?' I shouted. 'I am,' said one kid. 'Me,' said another. 'No, me,' yelled the third. Sweat dripping down his face, the dad gasped, 'Their mother is.'

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'

Just before I was deployed to Iraq, I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq ' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'

Even though the toddler was having a furious tantrum, his mom was unfazed. 'You may as well give up on the crying,' I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. 'You're stuck with me for 18 years.'

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to h ave lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson, Jermon, was constantly hungry. I went to my refrigerator to find something he might like to eat. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. 'Hey, Jermon,' I called out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. 'Look! I found some chili.' Struggling to be polite, he said, 'If you're that surprised, I'm not really sure I want it.'

My last name is a mouthful, so when my three-year-old niece learned to spell it, I was thrilled, until my cousin burst my bubble. 'You can spell Sczygelski any way you like,' he pointed out. 'Who's going to know if it's wrong?'

For the first time, my four-year-old daughter Kelsey was coming to my office to have me, a dental hygienist, clean her teeth. She was accompanied by her grand-mother. When they came in, I greeted them warmly, seated Kelsey and, as usual, put on my gloves, goggles and mask. About ten minutes into the procedure, she got scared and cried, 'I want my mommy!' I quickly pulled off my mask and said, 'I am your mommy.' Without hesitating, my daughter yelled back, 'Then I want my granny!'

Ray

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus !'

Sure enough, it is Jesus , nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness , a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.


After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness .

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.

It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets Go, the man's eyes widen in shock.


'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,




'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

Same Difference

Bloody hell Ray.......I go quiet for a few weeks come back and you are still trying to bugger this thread up

Dont look like its working somehow!

Ray

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.


They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire . The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.


The Queen turns to President Bush saying, 'Mr President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control.'


Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, 'Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.'