scrubbedexpat091

I try the best I can, it really boils down to the environment, if things are doing well, the negative thoughts are less if things are going going bad or a short succession of bad things that will exacerbate the negative thoughts flowing. It's just a lot in such a short period of time, and disability goes down in January by $150 which isn't going to help things...ha ha

Just too bad bad stuff at once, and not sure I can dig out of this one this time around, I didn't think it would be this difficult to find a job in general, and my wife lucked out with her last one, it was really the only interview she ever had here.

Sometimes I think my heart is giving out from the stress, doctors say its nothing, but its an unsettling feeling when it happens and seems to be happening more, probably stress of anxiety induced.

scrubbedexpat091

Frankly the issue is I hate my life, I am not living in a place I find enjoyable (Canada), I have no family nearby, I am isolated, and I see no future, its too late to have a family, too late to have a career, the ship has sailed and there isn't any catching up to it at this point.

I can't even think of 1 flipping job I can do that pays a wage that would ever lead to a future, not getting anywhere on min wage in this country that's for sure.

If I can't even figure the basic things out, I have no chance, and my moods are so unstable, I wouldn't even be successful in a job at this point, I am to a point I don't think I can get out of this time around, its taking too much energy, and the healthcare system is so broken, there isn't even any adequate support, and if people don't have the support they need in life they will never succeed.

Steerpike

Did things change? If so, what do you think was the cause?

Jerseygirl

The cause was I missed my life in the UK. I missed family, friends...everything I had been used to. We still had our house there, but every time I went back I was even more depressed when I returned to the US.

One Friday night I bought St John’s Wort and took 3. When I woke the next morning I felt more like my old self. I went downstairs and hubby and daughter couldn’t believe I had got out of bed. Saturday was usually a bad day for me...daughter would be in tears trying to talk me round to getting up. I took SJW 3 x 3 times per day for several months...the dosage was 1 x 3 times per day. Then I gradually stopped taking it. I still had bad days when I hit the SJW again, but they got less and less frequent.

I have been through worse times in my life, but had never been depressed before. I can usually sit myself down and give myself a good talking to...

scrubbedexpat091

While my issues don't vanish when I am home in California, they certainly do subside a bit. I have this feeling of being in a foreign country on an extended vacation, but I don't feel at home, or attached, it's just where I live. Environment we are in can play a role in how we feel, as can being away from what is familiar, some people adapt to change better than others as well, so while one person can move country to country or city to city without issues, others struggle, and people tend to also built support networks in their younger years, so older one is the harder change can become as well.

It's well known with my disorder that the depression is a symptom of the condition, treat the condition rather than the symptoms and the symptoms tend to subside, not necessarily go away, but subside to where a person can function.

Kind of depends what is the cause of ones depression, there isn't a single cause, its not always chemical based like once thought, it can be a stand alone issue, or it can be interlinked with other issues, can be environmental, its more complex than most will admit.

I tried St, John's Wort before, didn't work for me, but that was before I knew what was wrong with me and was trying anything I could find for depression, but once I had a proper diagnoses, everything made so much sense as to why medications did nothing, I felt like a Guinea pig at one point because doctors were mixing so many medications together to try to find something that helped.

With studies that have been done over the years, medication can cause more harm than benefit for some disorders like BPD, but its the only tool doctors in Canada have for mental health issues, way too reliant on medications here.

Glad you found something that worked for you to help you feel better, can make a world of difference when they fog it gone and you can finally feel good and think clearly.

If I could sleep 20 hours a day like a cat, I would, sleep is my escape.

Jerseygirl

I think SJW worked for me because I was so desperate I was convinced it would help me. Mind over matter. I know it doesn’t work for most people, but it does for me.

scrubbedexpat091

Gotta do what works, doesn't really matter how it works, if it works for you, it works for you that is what matters.

moneypenny20

Trouble with SJW you can only take it if you're not on any other medication. I'm not convinced about the stuff but if your brain says it's working then it is and that's all that matters really.

scrubbedexpat091

scrubbedexpat091

What self help books really mean when they say seek professional help, "seek professional help if your financially stable and well off enough to pay $1,000+ a month for 1 to 3 years potentially longer"

It was a joke someone posted on a BPD forum I frequent.

It's been in this status since September, gonna take a wild guess and say they probably wont ever call, especially if they didn't call for an interview before the busiest period of the year. Looks like I applied a total of 6 times this year, 5 times in Vancouver/Lower Mainland area and once in Kelowna.

Granted I did get to the testing phase this last time, but then their system cut the test short, so I think I failed it.

scrubbedexpat091

Sometimes I wonder if my body is physically so stresses and its what causes the random issues doctors find no actual reason for.

Heart fluttering, shortness of breath when doing anything, aches and pain, elevated heart rate (my resting heart rate is 100-105 on average) sweating, always being hot.

BPD is known to cause elevated levels of stress hormones constantly and that cannot possibly be good for the body as a whole.

scrubbedexpat097

Have you ever had your thyroid checked?

Jerseygirl

As you seem to have so many health problems, I have thought the same for quite sometime.

Someone I knew had severe abdominal pains. An ambulance was called, she was taken to hospital and her appendix was removed. Upon examination they realized there was nothing wrong with the appendix, her pain was stress related.

scrubbedexpat091

it was 2.07 in June, 2.30 in March, 1.94 in Nov 2019, and reference range is 0.32-5.04. Doctor say's its fine.

scrubbedexpat091

Seems to be the most plausible explanation, especially the GI issues, I know stress triggers those. The heart flutters are new though, but I am asking the doctor tomorrow about those.