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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Jan 4th 2013, 10:13 pm
  #1351  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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Old Jan 5th 2013, 6:04 am
  #1352  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: Because, of the sign!
Teacher: What sign?
Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
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Old Jan 6th 2013, 5:03 am
  #1353  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Should wives put the photographs of their missing husbands on beer cans?
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Old Jan 6th 2013, 12:03 pm
  #1354  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Since Xmas I've lost so many parts of my Scalelextrix kit - I just can't keep track.
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Old Jan 6th 2013, 4:01 pm
  #1355  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Read the bottom label i think it says Bullshit.
Attached Thumbnails Jokes: A little light distraction!-598891_369028376486310_291900025_n.jpg  
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Old Jan 7th 2013, 3:06 am
  #1356  
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Default Looking Back on 2012

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,

Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

-----------------------

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

------------------------

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

-------------------

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" and with tears streaming down my face

I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

-------------------------

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. They’re both in hospital... one's in a korma…

the other's got a dodgy tikka!

----------------------

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.

You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

----------------------------

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead

and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

-------------------------------

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth
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Old Jan 7th 2013, 9:11 am
  #1357  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

There was a pretty young girl who lived with her grandmother. One evening she came downstairs to go out with her new boyfriend. She was wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Granny told her to get back upstairs and make herself respectable.

"No. I won't." she said. "I want to show off my rosebuds." And with that, she left.

The following day the young woman went outside to see her grandmother sitting on the veranda, also wearing a see-through blouse and without a bra.

"Grandma." she exclaimed. "What on earth's going on? My boyfriend and another couple are coming over. Please change your blouse. I'm so embarrassed."

"Well," said the old woman, "If you can show your rosebuds, then I can show my hanging baskets."

**********
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Old Jan 8th 2013, 3:12 am
  #1358  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

United Nations.

"England's not a bad country -- it's just a mean, cold, ugly, divided, tired, clapped-out, post-imperial, post-industrial slag heap covered in polystyrene hamburger cartons." -- Margaret Drabble

"Belgium is a country invented by the British to annoy the French." -- Charles de Gaulle

"In India, 'cold weather' is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass doorknob and weather which only makes it mushy." -- Mark Twain

"The Americans ... have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on an amusing and animated conversation without giving a moment's reflection to what they are saying and so leave their minds free to consider the more important matters of big business and fornication." -- Somerset Maugham

"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir." -- Stuart Keate
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Old Jan 8th 2013, 9:05 am
  #1359  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A rooster was strutting around the henhouse one Easter morning and came across a nest of eggs dyed every color of the rainbow. The rooster took one look at the colorful display, ran outside and beat the heck out of the resident peacock.
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Old Jan 9th 2013, 8:21 am
  #1360  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

New customer to Tech Support: “It says, hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'.
Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens?
Customer: 'Tried but nothing”
Tech Support: “What key did you hit?
After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and just now my office key.
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Old Jan 10th 2013, 8:41 am
  #1361  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Two rather old retired racehorses are in a bar getting totally drunk. After about two hours the first racehorse says "You know.... when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 90 races, got 5 seconds and 5 thirds.... I am without doubt the greatest racehorse that ever lived....blah blah blah..." In response to this and approximately a half an hour later the second racehorse responded, "Oh yeah...when I was a young racehorse...from one hundred starts, I won (hic) 95 races, got 2 seconds and 3 thirds.... I am the greatest racehorse that ever lived.... blah blah blah..." Now it was about this time that the bartender (a greyhound) decided that they were drunk enough so he said, "I am sick of you two telling one another how great you are, you are both drunk and I am throwing you out of the bar, but before I do I want to let you know that when I was a young greyhound, from one hundred starts, I won 100 races, no seconds and no thirds." The two racehorses were shocked and for 5 minutes sat with their mouths open until the fist racehorse finally said, "Isn't that amazing (hic)...a talking greyhound!"
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Old Jan 10th 2013, 10:40 pm
  #1362  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
Pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar
With the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the
Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I playedout my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played likeI've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
And started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
Septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently, I'm still lost... It's a man thing.
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Old Jan 11th 2013, 7:09 am
  #1363  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

If this doesn't bring a tear to your eyes you must have a heart made of stone. "In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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Old Jan 11th 2013, 5:03 pm
  #1364  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Son : Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this
awesome girl.
Father : That's great son. Who is she?
Son : It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.
Father : Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I
have to tell you something son, but you must
promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is
actually your sister.
The boy is naturally bummed out; but a couple
of months later : Son : Daddy, I fell in love
again and she is even hotter!
Father : That's great son. Who is she?
Son : It's Angela, the other neighbour's
daughter.
Father : Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that.
Angela is also your sister.
This went on couple of times and son was so
mad, He went straight to his mother crying.
Son : Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love
with six girls but I can't date any of them
because dad is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says :
My love, You can date whoever you want. He
isn't your Father
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Old Jan 12th 2013, 5:40 am
  #1365  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...
''Yes," was his incredulous reply..
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.
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