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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

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Old Apr 2nd 2007, 12:41 am
  #106  
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Smile Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

And I can't resist posting this one, either:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”

The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”

One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
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Old Apr 2nd 2007, 9:12 am
  #107  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by crispygirl View Post
BB69, can I call you that.....It has taken me ages to read this, I had to give in and get my glasses in the end.......
crispygirl, all you had to do was click on it and you would see it enlarged at least by a factor of 3, so you may ahve not had to get your glasses.
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Old Apr 2nd 2007, 6:31 pm
  #108  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can
go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
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Old Apr 2nd 2007, 6:36 pm
  #109  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS~ Sure is freaking hot down here!!!
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Old Apr 2nd 2007, 7:09 pm
  #110  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said,"Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly, but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE £$%^&*@#. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."
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Old Apr 2nd 2007, 7:12 pm
  #111  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Subject: Chicken

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied
smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit p*ssed off, grabs the sheet,
rolls over, and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
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Old Apr 2nd 2007, 7:45 pm
  #112  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

There's a whole bunch of shorties here that'll have your chuckle-muscles aching

Really embarrassing situations…
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Old Apr 2nd 2007, 8:59 pm
  #113  
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by MnM View Post
Subject: Chicken

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied
smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit p*ssed off, grabs the sheet,
rolls over, and says,

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
Lol!
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Old Apr 3rd 2007, 12:12 am
  #114  
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P stands for the Problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the Corrective Action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. - S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. - S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. - S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. - S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. - S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. - S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. - S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. - S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative. - S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen. - S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. - S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. - S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums. - S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit. - S: Cat installed.
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Old Apr 3rd 2007, 1:16 pm
  #115  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jade Goody Medical Terminology Paper

Anally - occuring yearly
Artery - study of paintings
Bacteria - back door of cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when treatment fails
Benign - what you be after you be eight
Bowel - A, E, I, O, or U
Caesarian section - district in Rome
Cat scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
Condom - small apartment complex
Congenital - friendly
D+C - where Washington is
Diaphram - drawing in geometry
Diarrhea - journal of daily events
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fallopian Tube - part of a tv set
Fester - quicker
Fetus - character in "Gunsmoke"
Fibula - a small lie
Genitals - people of non-jewish origins
G. I. Series - soldiers` ball game
Grippe - suitcase
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished, well known
Intense pain - torture in a teepee
Labor pain - got hurt at work
Medical staff - doctor`s cane
Menopause - button on the VHS remote control
Menstrual cycle - thing with three wheels
Morbid - higher offer
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - person who had fainted
Pap smear - fatherhood test
Pelvis - cousin of Elvis
Post operative - letter carrier
Protein - favoring young people
Rectum - d*mn near killed `em
Recovery room - place to do upholstery
Rheumatic - amorous
Scar - rolled tobacco leaf
Scrotum - small planet near Uranus
Secretion - hiding anything
Seizure - Roman emperor
Serology - study of knighthood
Tablet - small tablet
Terminal illness - sickness at airport
Testicles - found on an octopus
Tibia - country in North Africa
Tumor - an extra pair
Umbilical chord - part of a parachute
Urine - opposite of you`re out
Vagina - heart trouble
Varicose - located nearby
Vein - conceited
Vulva - automobile from Sweden
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Old Apr 3rd 2007, 1:33 pm
  #116  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

15 Royal Navy personnel captured by Iran.

14 men and one woman.

It doesn't take a bl**dy genius to work out who was reading the map does it??
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Old Apr 3rd 2007, 11:55 pm
  #117  
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Talking Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

There is a husband and a wife and the husband is worried because he thinks his wife is going deaf.
So the husband goes to the doctor and says "My wife is losing her hearing what do I do?"
"Do a test." says the doctor. "Ask her a question from 40ft away, 20ft, 10ft and 5 ft away. See when she starts to hear you."
So he went home and asked his wife from 40ft away when dinner will be ready.
No response.
20ft no response.
10ft no response.
At 5 ft his wife replies "For the 4th time dinner will be ready in 10 minutes!"
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Old Apr 4th 2007, 10:34 pm
  #118  
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Smile Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

I liked this one, I think it was written by someone who has a computer just like mine!!

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

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Old Apr 5th 2007, 6:30 am
  #119  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by chrisw View Post
I liked this one, I think it was written by someone who has a computer just like mine!!

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Excellent, I'd forgotten most of that. That poem is actually used in teaching word processing, to show the students that it isn't sensible to just rely on a spell checker, but that you do ahve to read through as well.
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Old Apr 5th 2007, 12:30 pm
  #120  
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