Mitzyboy

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

MnM

Bigbhudda69

Crispygirl..YOU can call me anything you like...I am glad you got to the Bottom of it........!.

crispy

I'm a bit blond as well as having senior moments so things tend to take longer to sink in but I get there in the end

Bigbhudda69

I used to be a bit blonde, I am more a bit pink nowadays...Senior moments are great...give me more...gives one a chance to forget all the rubbish...

MnM

MnM

MnM

Why we love our pets:

They protect our children


They help you when you're down


They have "great" expectations


They are happy to "test" the water


They know who's "BOSS"


AND - They know when we need a good LAUGH!

MnM

No Comment!

MnM

MnM

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have intimacy? The man seemed a bit ashamed.

"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

chrisw

Lol! Nice one Martha! Am I bovvered? Loved the pictures of the pets too!

gudes

Talking about cats... This is a Spanish joke

Pepe is the bar telling a friend about the problems with his cat.

- I was so sick of the darn cat that one day I put it in the car drove 20 Km, left him in the forest, drove back home, opened the door... and the cat was there!

So next day I put the car in the car, drove 60 Km left him in a forest, drove back home, opened the door... and the cat was there!

Darn! Next day I drove 200 Km, crossed 10 rivers and 3 mountain ranges left him in a forest...

- Let me guess - interrupts Pepe's friend - you drove back home, opened the door... and the cat was there?

- No, if it weren't for the darn cat I couldn't find my way back home.

chrisw

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. Dr.Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"

IntuitiveNipple

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”


The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”