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-   -   Jokes: A little light distraction! (https://britishexpats.com/forum/lounge-7/jokes-little-light-distraction-435206/)

jurdyr Aug 7th 2008 4:24 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Prince Charles and the Yorkie
A different theme, to my renowned "pub" jokes, but here we go.

Prince Charles is driving up the driveway towards Windsor Castle, when all of a sudden, one of the queens Yorkies, dashes in front of the car. Charles brakes and swerves as best as he could, but to no avail, and there is a deadening thud and noise as the dog is rattled around the front wheel arch and then squashed into the tarmac by the rear wheel.

In a bit of a panic, Charles jumps out of the car and looks around the back to see the remains of the Yorkie, which is hardly recognisable as an animal. In utter dismay, he says to himself "oh my god, mum's going to be devastated. I wish the bloody dog was OK". No sooner had he said the word "wish", a genie popped out of nowhere and said, "Charlie, today is your lucky day my friend", to which he replied, "are you mad, look at what i have done to mums dog". The genie says "Not to worry Charlie, to make your day better, I grant you one wish". Without hesitation, Charles say "Of course, I wish the dog was alive and OK". The genie looks back over at the dog and says, "Sorry Charlie, even with all of my power and magic, there isn't even anything I can do for that dog, you had better think of something else".

After a few moments of pondering, Charles says, "Oh well, could you make Camilla into a beautiful Princes for me", to which the genie replies "Bloody hell Charlie, let me take another look at that dog"

Justlookin Aug 7th 2008 6:01 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
I kid you not

Traffic news announcement Radio 2 today

"A lorry has shed its load of ladders on the...earlier this morning.

The police are taking steps to end the holdup"

Cleri Aug 8th 2008 2:28 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 

Originally Posted by Justlookin (Post 6656028)
I kid you not

Traffic news announcement Radio 2 today

"A lorry has shed its load of ladders on the...earlier this morning.

The police are taking steps to end the holdup"

:rofl:

pwwm Aug 10th 2008 2:15 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some asshole's got my pen!'

jon-mel Aug 25th 2008 8:08 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
here's one.

a man walks into a bar looking depresed and orders a shot of whisky, whisky on the rocks and a pint of stella with a whisky chaser. the bar tender returns with the booze and the poor fella drinks them as fast as they were put on the bar!. the barman says wow u want to slow down mate to which the punter now quite cheerful says "you'd drink like me if you had what i had", whats that replies the barman... "about £1.20" says the man.

pwwm Aug 28th 2008 10:42 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
DIET FOR STRESSED WOMEN



This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds up during the day. I have found that it REALLY works!!



BREAKFAST:

* 1 Grapefruit

* 1 Slice Whole-wheat toast

* 1 Cup Skimmed Milk



LUNCH

* 1 Small Portion Lean Steamed Chicken with Cup of Spinach

* 1 Cup Herbal Tea

* 1 Penguin Biscuit



AFTERNOON TEA

* The Rest of the Penguins from the packet

* 1 Tub Gino Ginelli Ice Cream with chocolate topping



DINNER

* 4 Bottles of Wine (Red or White)

* 2 Loaves of Garlic Bread

* 1 Family size supreme pizza

* 3 Snickers Bars



LATE NIGHT SNACK

* 1 Whole Cheesecake (Eaten directly from the freezer)



REMEMBER: 'Stressed' spelt backwards is 'desserts.' Send this to 4 other women and you will lose 2 kg.

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kg. If you delete this message you will gain 10 kg.



Here's some advice for you: Doctors proclaim the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things that you have started. I've looked around my house to find all the things that I've started and hadn't finished. I've just finished off a bottle of vodka, a bottle of chardonnay and bottle of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Pingeuns, tha 'mainder of botl Prozic an Valum prscriptins, the res of the chesescke, an a bax a cholates. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel!!



****Peas sen dis orn to dem you fel AR in ned ov inr pece.............................................. ...............hic!

jurdyr Aug 28th 2008 11:56 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
sent to the ex , and she say to me i lose more than that wheni see her again
, mmm I wondering what she means ?

tednsharon Aug 29th 2008 7:20 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Love it!

jurdyr Sep 10th 2008 5:50 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Childbirth
Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to the 999 call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Katie, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Katie did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old
what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katie quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...
smack his bottom again...

jurdyr Sep 10th 2008 5:52 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
1 Attachment(s)
Guess the Nationality ? well tell you answer tomorrow so come on

betris Sep 10th 2008 8:37 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Paddy goes to the antique road show in dublin draging a big huge box.
he gets in after queing and shows it to the expert
The expert says Paddy where did you get this.
Paddy says its been in my cockloft for 40 years,I think its some sort of family heirloom.
The expert says Paddy have you got some kind of insurance.
Paddy says do you think I should have insurance
The expert says yes its your [email protected]@@ing water tank

jurdyr Oct 3rd 2008 10:59 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
First time sex


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such
a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.
A t the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited
for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist.'

spain Oct 5th 2008 8:54 am

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
When you've Been Married Too Long

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about
their relationships and decided to amaze their men.
That night all three decided to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a
mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me
with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said,
'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night
long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was
wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I
opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the
night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black
stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came
in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

spain Oct 8th 2008 5:56 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.


He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.


'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.


At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.


She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?


He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!

jdr Oct 8th 2008 8:14 pm

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!
 
Lol....


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