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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Sep 6th 2020, 2:40 am
  #5071  
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One day a man saw a magic beanstalk, so he decided to climb it. As he went up, he saw the ugliest woman you've ever seen naked on a leaf.
She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
Without thinking,he carried on climbing. The next woman he saw wasn't bad. he thought, he would do her, but wouldn't brag about it.
She too beckoned to him saying, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
So again, he carried on climbing. The next woman he saw was beautiful, really really hot.
She said, "Come have sex with me, or climb higher to success."
He could only think of what the next woman would be like, so carried on climbing, and was shocked to see an old man stood on a leaf naked.
He was so outraged, he said, "Who the hell are you?"
The old man replied, "I'm Cess."

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Old Sep 7th 2020, 1:03 pm
  #5072  
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Old Sep 7th 2020, 11:57 pm
  #5073  
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Old Sep 8th 2020, 2:48 am
  #5074  
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Old Sep 8th 2020, 2:49 am
  #5075  
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Old Sep 9th 2020, 12:00 am
  #5076  
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Old Sep 9th 2020, 9:07 am
  #5077  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me
Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," the man replied.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians. " Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie , "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the e now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror....
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Old Sep 10th 2020, 3:04 am
  #5078  
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Old Sep 11th 2020, 2:20 am
  #5079  
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CAN ADMINS OF THIS PAGE DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?! WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN QUESTIONABLE POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 6 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK WON'T TURN OFF....
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Old Sep 11th 2020, 2:21 am
  #5080  
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Old Sep 12th 2020, 10:50 am
  #5081  
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My kids keep taking the piss out my Alzheimer's!
They won't think it's so funny when they wake up on Christmas morning and there's no eggs under the bonfire.
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Old Sep 13th 2020, 1:41 am
  #5082  
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Old Sep 13th 2020, 1:41 am
  #5083  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

...Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, the petrol will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
..
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Old Sep 13th 2020, 11:55 pm
  #5084  
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Old Sep 13th 2020, 11:56 pm
  #5085  
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