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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Aug 23rd 2020, 2:15 am
  #5056  
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Old Aug 24th 2020, 3:00 am
  #5057  
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Old Aug 25th 2020, 2:25 am
  #5058  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

.A farmer had a bull that wasn`t performing very well so he called the vet. The vet shoved a large tablet down the bull`s throat and about an hour later the bull was humping all the cows in the field.. The farmer was amazed .. he said I have a date tonight and do you think it would work for me? The vet said well these pills are very strong but if I chip a small bit off this pill and you take it about an hour before your date that should be alright.... The next morning the vet saw the farmer with his arm in a sling... what happened he asked .. The farmer replied …. She didn`t turn up.

.
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Old Aug 26th 2020, 2:29 am
  #5059  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

ohn Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door to the pub opened, and two other men people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

Look Paddy....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
...
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Old Aug 26th 2020, 2:30 am
  #5060  
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Old Aug 28th 2020, 12:23 am
  #5061  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

The old gentleman handed his bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £50".

The teller told him, “For withdrawals less than £250, please use the ATM.”

The old gentleman quietly asked why that was.

The teller returned his bank card and irritably told him, “That's the rules. Now if there's nothing else, please leave as there's a queue behind you.”

The old gentleman remained silent for a few seconds, handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please close my account and withdraw all my money.”

The teller checked the account, gasped and said “My apologies, Sir, the bank doesn't hold £25 million in cash."

The old gentleman then asked how much he could withdraw immediately, to be informed, "Any amount up to £250,000."

"Well, please let me have £250,000 now."

The teller handed it over respectfully.

The old gentleman put £50 in his wallet and asked the teller to deposit the balance of £249,950 back into his account.

Don't be difficult with veterans, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.
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Old Aug 29th 2020, 1:58 am
  #5062  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
....
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Old Aug 30th 2020, 3:14 am
  #5063  
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Old Aug 31st 2020, 2:34 am
  #5064  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

.A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” “I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!” “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!” So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked. “Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air. “It feels so wonderfully free!” Another runner moved alongside him. “Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?” “Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!” Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, * * * * * * * * * * “Do you always wear a condom when you run?” “Nope……… just when it’s raining”...
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Old Sep 1st 2020, 3:04 am
  #5065  
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Old Sep 2nd 2020, 2:58 am
  #5066  
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Old Sep 3rd 2020, 3:15 am
  #5067  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

I was in the bar when I chatted to a midget...

I asked, "You seem like a nice and trustworthy person, fancy coming back to mine"...?

She said smiling, "Looking for a good time, are you"...?

I replied, "No I've lost my key and you're the only person that could fit through my cat flap"...
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Old Sep 4th 2020, 2:08 am
  #5068  
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Old Sep 4th 2020, 2:09 am
  #5069  
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Old Sep 5th 2020, 3:24 am
  #5070  
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