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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Jul 27th 2020, 1:36 pm
  #5011  
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Originally Posted by BristolUK View Post
That's not far from the police station where those toilets were stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
On there way to the police station a lorry load of fruit crashed the police are now stuck in a jam
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Old Jul 27th 2020, 1:38 pm
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by el collado kid View Post
On there way to the police station a lorry load of fruit crashed the police are now stuck in a jam
5,000 doses of Viagra were stolen from a warehouse last night; police say if the thief is caught, they expect he will be hung.
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Old Jul 27th 2020, 1:40 pm
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Have you tried Starbucks new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you're up all night.

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Old Jul 27th 2020, 1:50 pm
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I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his plane.
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Old Jul 27th 2020, 1:58 pm
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man is wanted in connection with an incident in Wembley yesterday for being drunk in public and attempting to board a bus without paying his fare. Police are holding 1,500 Scotsmen for questioning. [thanx to The Two Ronnies]

Last edited by caretaker; Jul 27th 2020 at 2:06 pm.
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Old Jul 28th 2020, 2:38 am
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Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too" then I said "but this is a dog" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "but you don't understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He replied that I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex. He said every room in this place is for sex. I said "you don't understand. Sex keeps me awake all night" and the clerk replied "me too".
I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I could have sold tickets for that "but you don't understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V." He called me a Show off.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your honor I had sex before we were married". The judge said "me too". Then I told him that after we were married sex left me. He replied "me too".
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around for him. A cop came over and asked me "What are you doing wandering around the alley at 4 am for?" I replied "I am looking for Sex" My case comes up in court on Monday!!..
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Old Jul 29th 2020, 1:50 am
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Old Jul 30th 2020, 1:52 am
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Old Jul 31st 2020, 1:52 am
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Old Jul 31st 2020, 11:25 pm
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

...A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties
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Old Aug 2nd 2020, 2:52 am
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!


A State Trooper pulled an 87-year-old woman over for speeding.As he looked at her driver's license he was surprised to notice that attached to it was a conceal weapon permit.Taken aback, he couldn't help but ask, “Do you have a gun in your possession?”She replied in her crackly voice, “Indeed, I do. Why I have a 45 automatic in the glove box.”The trooper then asked if she had any other weapons.She replied, “I have a 9 mm Glock in the center console.”The shocked trooper asked, “Is that all the weapons you are transporting?The little old lady held up her purse and replied, "Well, I do keep a 38 special in my purse.” Finally, the astonished trooper asked, "What are you afraid of?”And the little old lady smiled and replied: "Not a Thing."
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Old Aug 3rd 2020, 2:29 am
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Old Yesterday, 6:48 am
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

..At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'

'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers. Every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

'We collect them and send them back to the biscuit makers. Every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'

'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send
them to the Tax Office. About once a year they send us a complete prick.'
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Old Yesterday, 6:49 am
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Old Yesterday, 6:49 am
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