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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Jun 3rd 2020, 8:56 am
  #4936  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a £5 note.
Our total was £4.25, so I also handed her 25p.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a pound coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25p, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75p in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.
My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
You now have 2 options...
Delete it…..
or
Send it along to put a smile on someone's face today!.
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Old Jun 4th 2020, 2:25 am
  #4937  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!


A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl..
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Bolton fan, and proud of it ,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Bolton fan?'
'Because my mum is a Bolton fan, and my dad is a Bolton fan, so I'm a Bolton fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Bolton fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'

'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
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Old Jun 5th 2020, 2:30 am
  #4938  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

The little Johnny is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

“MUM,” the Little Johnny yells at the top of his voice,

“I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!”

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son’s language in front of her guests and scolds the young boy.

“Johnny, we do NOT shout that kind of language in front of mummy’s guests! Next time, just whisper, okay?”

The little boy nods sheepishly.

His mum takes him to the bathroom and tucks him back into bed.

The next night, little Johnny is busting to go to the toilet again.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his mother, having a glass of wine with her friends.

“Mum! I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”

Mum excuses herself and takes Johnny to the bathroom, smiling at her son’s innocent mistake, but relieved that he was at least more discreet than last time.

She takes Johnny back upstairs and tucks him into bed.

“Well done, sweetie,” she says, kissing him goodnight, “that was much more polite.”

A few nights go by, and lo and behold, the little Johnny is busting to go to the toilet again.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his dad watching TV.

“Dad!” Johnny says softly,

“I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”

“Aw, is that so, little buddy?” says dad, his eyes fixed on the television.

“Come on over here and whisper in daddy’s ear.”

..
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Old Jun 5th 2020, 2:31 am
  #4939  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!


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Old Jun 5th 2020, 11:06 pm
  #4940  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent'.
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Old Jun 6th 2020, 3:17 am
  #4941  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Sorry, but I need to vent!!!!

I experienced the WORST customer service at a store today, I don't want to mention the name of the place yet because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from there, I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl that was working told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then, again - she flat out says "NO." I asked to talk to a manager because now I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it was no good. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr. . . . . .I''ll tell you what...I am NEVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again .........EVER...............
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Old Jun 7th 2020, 3:33 am
  #4942  
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Old Jun 7th 2020, 12:39 pm
  #4943  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

BE CAREFUL IF YOU GO TO BLACKPOOL.....

I witnessed some totally disgusting behavior on the beach at Blackpool yesterday.
A man and woman arguing in front of a load of kids, then she smacked him one on the head and it all kicked off between them. The police turned up and the policeman ended up using his baton on the bloke, but the man actually managed to get the baton off the copper and started hitting the copper and the woman with it.
Then a crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages, as the man shouted 'Thats the way to do it'.....
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Old Jun 8th 2020, 3:19 am
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Old Jun 9th 2020, 3:33 am
  #4945  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!


I was sitting on a bench in the park next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.He said: Up until Last week, I still had it all!!! A cook, cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school.
I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?
Oh No, nothing like that he said. No, no ... I got out of prison!
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Old Jun 10th 2020, 2:26 am
  #4946  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks.
Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other.
Every morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!" Clarence would shout.
"You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup you!"
"Clarence!" Rufus would holler back.
"You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup you!"
Every morning.
Every day.
For 20 years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge.
But the insults went on every morning.
Every day.
Another five years.
Finally, Mr. Rufus' wife had enough.
"Rufus!" she squallered one day, "I can't take no more!
Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence.
Well, thar's the bridge!
Have at it!"
Rufus thought for a moment.
Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place.
"I'm gonna whup Clarence!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, then turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed.
"Rufus!" cried the Missus.
"I thought you was gonna whup Clarence!"
"I was, Woman, I was!" he whispered.
"What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," whispered the terror stricken Rufus, "I walked halfway over the bridge and saw a sign that said, 'Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches.'
He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!"
..
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Old Jun 11th 2020, 2:22 am
  #4947  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A date rape-drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs".

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship".

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage".

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
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Old Jun 11th 2020, 2:23 am
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Old Jun 11th 2020, 2:24 am
  #4949  
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Old Jun 12th 2020, 2:06 am
  #4950  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

...Cucumbers... I didn't know this...& to think all these years I've
only been making salads with the cucumbers...

WHAT A LITTLE GEM THE CUCUMBER IS. I WILL LOOK
AT IT DIFFERENTLY NOW.

1.
Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.

2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick-me-up that can last for hours.

3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.

4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long. The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give
off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.

5. Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a
Few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too!!!

6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!

7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers
have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explores for quick meals to thwart off starvation.

8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don't have enough time to polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks
great but also repels water.

9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!

10.Stressed out and don't have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber will react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown the reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.

11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the phytochemicals will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

12. Looking for a 'green' way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel? Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the
shine, but is won't leave streaks and won't harm you fingers or fingernails while you clean.

13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!!

Pass this along to everybody you know who is looking for better and safer ways to solve life's everyday problems
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