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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Feb 11th 2020, 9:29 am
  #4786  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

..A bloke is visiting his mother in a mental hospital when in the same room he comes across a guy moving his arms around and making beeping noises.
"Excuse me", he asks him. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I’m driving my car!, says the guy excitedly. "Beep beep!"
"You nut, you"re not in a car, you"re in a mental hospital!"
A voice comes from the bed opposite. "Mate, shut up will you, he"s giving me twenty quid a day to wash the bloody thing"
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Old Feb 12th 2020, 3:16 am
  #4787  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Fred came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Fred."
Fred was stunned. "I'm dead..? No,I can't be..! I've got too much to live for. Send me back..!"
St. Peter said, "I'm sorry no can do, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."
Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground ..
A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh..? How's your first day here..?"
"Not bad"' replied Fred the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode...!"
"You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before..?"
"Never," said Fred.
"Well, just relax and let it happen"' says the rooster. "It's no big deal."
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg..!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Fred, Fred...! for hells sake wake up..! You've shit the bed...!"
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Old Feb 13th 2020, 12:26 am
  #4788  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Sounds about right...
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Old Feb 14th 2020, 7:11 am
  #4789  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Carol, a blonde city girl, married a Cornish dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John Trelawny said to Carol. "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay."

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail. she tells him. "This is the one right here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks. "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple, by the nail over its stall." Carol explains very confidently.

Then the man asks. "What's the nail for?"

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder. "I assume it's to hang your trousers on."
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Old Feb 15th 2020, 3:04 am
  #4790  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

.A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.
"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall.
Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.
And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"
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Old Feb 15th 2020, 7:58 am
  #4791  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Closing Argument:

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick:

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all." The lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door.

The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said. "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.
A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" Inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied. "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."
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Old Feb 16th 2020, 1:47 am
  #4792  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

..When I was a boy my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my ass but the next morning in the driveway sat a brand new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me cause it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.
...Dad beat my ass again.
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Old Feb 16th 2020, 9:12 am
  #4793  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

..ONE FOR ALL THE LADIES OUT THERE:

This is one of the best posts I've read about women...
Please read it completely, it's worth it...💜

WOMAN:

When God created woman he was working late on the 6th day:

An angel came by and asked. "Why spend so much time on her?"

The lord answered. "Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her?"

She must function on all kinds of situations.
She must be able to embrace several kids at the same time.
Have a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart.
She must do all this with only two hands,.
She cures herself when sick and can work 18 hours a day."

THE ANGEL was impressed" Just two hands, impossible!
And this is the standard model?"

The Angel came closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft." Said the Lord. "But I have made her strong. You can't imagine what she can endure and overcome."

"Can she think?" The Angel asked.

The Lord answered. "Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate."

The Angel touched her cheeks.
"Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her."

"She is not leaking, it is a tear." The Lord corrected the Angel.

"What's it for?" Asked the Angel.

The Lord said. "Tears are her way of expressing her grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride."

This made a big impression on the Angel.
"Lord, you are a genius. You thought of everything. A woman is indeed marvellous."

The Lord said. "Indeed she is.....
She has strength that amazes a man.
She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.
She holds happiness, love and opinions.
She smiles when she feels like screaming.
She sings when she feels like crying, cries when happy and laughs when afraid.
She fights for what she believes in.
Her love is unconditional.
Her heart is broken when a next-of-kin or a friend dies, but she finds strength to get on with life."

The Angel asked. "So she is a perfect being?"

The lord replied. "No. She has just one drawback....

She often forgets what she is worth.."

To all your women out there, remember your worth - Enjoy your day....
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Old Feb 17th 2020, 2:56 am
  #4794  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

..One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much!"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh, yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice, she says:

"Dad says to go ahead and have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be Mum says she can come down herself and do it.

But for heaven's sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
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Old Feb 18th 2020, 1:19 am
  #4795  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

,,Bob was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, Bob," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," Bob said, "I want you to marry Jack."
"But I thought you hated Jack," she said..
With his last breath Bob said, "I do!"
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Old Feb 18th 2020, 5:20 am
  #4796  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

..A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is"...?

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right"...

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town...
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...
I'll show you how to get to Heaven"...

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, bullshit...
You don't even know the way to the Post Office"..
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Old Feb 19th 2020, 7:34 am
  #4797  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

I went through the McDonald's Driveup Window and I gave the Cashier a $5 bill.
The total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25 cents.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a Dollar Bill back.'
She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to Repeat my Request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25 cents and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The Cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

Had to have the Garage Door repaired.
The Repairman told us that one of the problems was that did not have a 'large' enough Motor on the Opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'No, it's not.
Four is larger than two.'
Haven't used that Repairman since.

I live in a Semi Rural Area.
Recently had a new Neighbor call the local City Council Office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many Deers are being hit by Cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be Crossing anymore.'

Girlfriend went to a Mexican Fast Food and ordered a Taco.
She asked the person behind the Counter for 'Minimal Lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.

I was at the Airport, checking in at the Gate when an Airport Employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your Baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian Light on the Corner Beeps when it's safe to Cross the Street.
I was Crossing with an 'Intellectually Challenged' Co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the Beeper was for.
I explained that it signals Blind People when the Light is Red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on Earth are Blind People doing Driving?!'
She is a government employee.

When my Girlfriend and I arrived at a Car Dealership to pick up our Car after a Service, we were told the Key's had been locked in it.
We went to the Service Department and found a Mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the Passenger Side, instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was Unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the Technician, 'Its Open!'
His reply, 'I know.
I already did that side.'

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote.

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Old Feb 19th 2020, 10:57 am
  #4798  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

..
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Old Feb 20th 2020, 2:19 am
  #4799  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

..Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
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Old Feb 21st 2020, 2:48 am
  #4800  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

..What it's like to be British

• Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”

• Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”

• Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best

• Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door

• Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit

• Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand

• Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
• The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector

• The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”

• “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it

• Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands

• Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck

• Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change

• Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again

• Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested

• Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”

• Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon

• Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it

• Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave

• Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible

• The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about

• Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake

• Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot

• Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink

• “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit

• Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it

• “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”

• Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever

• Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

• Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’

• Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether

• Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing

• Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again

• The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up

• Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again
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