Go Back  British Expats > General > The Lounge
Reload this Page >

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Aug 19th 2018, 4:23 am
  #4366  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

I hate.
Facebook attention seekers who will say something like "omg, so peed off" and then wait for their idiot friends to come running asking what's up!
Arrggh Facebook attention seekers, can't believe I forgot about them.

Have you noticed that immediately after they post their, 'I've had enough, I can't take this anymore' type statuses, they suddenly become completely incommunicado for the rest of the evening?

Next day you go on FB, all bleary-eyed cos you haven't slept a wink worrying that they've topped themselves, and there they are, happy as Larry, posting their usual banal drivel, the previous night's drama completely forgotten about. They never do tell you what was wrong.

Another thing they do is wait till about 20 or 30 'friends' have responded to their A.S.S (attention seeeking status) and then reply to ONE person with a 'oh God yeah it's really bad, I'll PM you' type response, completely ignoring all the other nosey concerned well-wishers grrr!!

I don't bother responding now. If someone really needs my help, they know how to contact me pfft!
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Aug 19th 2018, 12:42 pm
  #4367  
Oscar nominated
 
BristolUK's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Moncton, NB, CANADA
Posts: 35,067
BristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Facebook. Just say No.
BristolUK is offline  
Old Aug 19th 2018, 2:59 pm
  #4368  
Stand-up Philosopher
 
caretaker's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Regina and Oliver
Posts: 13,879
caretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by BristolUK View Post
Facebook. Just say No.
Don't do FB, but the first thing I check in the morning is the obituaries, it's like Facebook for old people.
caretaker is offline  
Old Aug 19th 2018, 6:41 pm
  #4369  
Oscar nominated
 
BristolUK's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Moncton, NB, CANADA
Posts: 35,067
BristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond reputeBristolUK has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by caretaker View Post
Don't do FB, but the first thing I check in the morning is the obituaries, it's like Facebook for old people.
Did you hear that report on CBC a few mornings ago? There had been a lot of fuss because a newspaper - in PEI I think - had no obits one day and it was because nobody died.
In the report they said some people like to look first thing.
When my wife was having her infusion sessions, I'd take the paper to read while she napped. One of the staff would regularly pick it up to check the obits to see if she knew anyone.
BristolUK is offline  
Old Aug 19th 2018, 7:44 pm
  #4370  
Stand-up Philosopher
 
caretaker's Avatar
 
Joined: Apr 2009
Location: Regina and Oliver
Posts: 13,879
caretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond reputecaretaker has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Originally Posted by BristolUK View Post
One of the staff would regularly pick it up to check the obits to see if she knew anyone.
When you live in a small city you know a lot of people, and often it's them or their family. Also after a certain age you're out of the wedding loop, and know more of those moving on than coming in. Every day on the sunny side is a good day.
caretaker is offline  
Old Aug 20th 2018, 3:28 am
  #4371  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

]
One day in class the teacher was teaching the kids about the alphabet and asked the class about the letter “R” knowing little Johnny’s habit of turning everything into something dirty..

Surely there’s no way he can turn this into something dirty, she thought.. There are no dirty words that begin with the letter R..

So she asks the class to come up with words that begin with R..

Little Suzie raises her hand and says..”Range starts with R.” and the teacher says.. “Very good Suzie..

And then little Billy raises his hand and says.. “Rodeo starts with the letter R..”-“Very good Billy..” The teacher says..

All the while little Johnny has been sitting in the back of the class room practically jumping out of his seat and flailing his hand in the air..

Finally the teacher figures it’s safe to call on him because of the words that begin with R..

-“Ok Johnny..” Says the teacher.. “Give me a word beginning with the letter R”.

Little Johnny jumps up and says.. “Rats..” “Great big huge friggin rats about this goddamn long..”

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jun 6th 2019 at 12:41 pm.
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Aug 21st 2018, 3:50 am
  #4372  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY , no video/dvd films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TODEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jun 6th 2019 at 12:41 pm.
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Aug 22nd 2018, 3:27 am
  #4373  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

-“I’ve had it with my wife.” said the one drinking buddy to the other. “I’m filing for a divorce.”

-“Sorry to hear that pal.” said his partner. “May I ask why?”-“I found her supply of birth control pills.” said the first.

-“Listen, Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can’t see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin.”

-“It ain’t just that.” stormed Frank. “I had a vasectomy over five years ago”.

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jun 6th 2019 at 12:41 pm.
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Aug 23rd 2018, 5:14 am
  #4374  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

VIRUS WARNING
This virus warning is genuine.

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jun 6th 2019 at 12:42 pm.
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Aug 24th 2018, 4:49 am
  #4375  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

After the eighty-three-year-old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, “You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?”

-“Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud, “Bob, do we still have intercourse?”And there was a hush. You could hear a pin drop…

Bob answered impatiently, “If I told you once, Irma, I told you a hundred times… What we have is… Blue Cross*!”

——-

* The Blue Cross Blue Shield is a federation of 39 United States health insurance companies.
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Aug 27th 2018, 2:37 am
  #4376  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

1st Time advice for a girl......
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinking?

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jun 6th 2019 at 12:42 pm.
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Aug 28th 2018, 3:32 am
  #4377  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, “Pardon” to her.

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, “Pardon me.” Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.

The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts.She was in seventh heaven!

She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, “A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior.”

The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, “Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!”

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jun 6th 2019 at 12:42 pm.
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Sep 2nd 2018, 2:13 am
  #4378  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time, the proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3, you were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray, it ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week.

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jun 6th 2019 at 12:43 pm.
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Sep 3rd 2018, 2:40 am
  #4379  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man owned a small ranch in Texas. The Texas Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

-“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.”

-“Well,” replied the rancher, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.”-“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.”

-“Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

-“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

-“That would be me,” replied the rancher.
tommy.irene is offline  
Old Sep 4th 2018, 9:42 am
  #4380  
Im a 77 year old nutcase
 
tommy.irene's Avatar
 
Joined: Mar 2011
Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria..
Posts: 4,774
tommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond reputetommy.irene has a reputation beyond repute
Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.She was shocked and stunned and said, “I’ve never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?”

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, “Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead.”
tommy.irene is offline  

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information -

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.