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Jokes: A little light distraction!

Jokes: A little light distraction!

Old Jul 14th 2018, 3:27 am
  #4336  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

An attractive blonde arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, your Mummy needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Not all blondes are stupid, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are MEN
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Old Jul 14th 2018, 3:29 am
  #4337  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

.

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jun 6th 2019 at 12:31 pm.
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Old Jul 15th 2018, 2:09 am
  #4338  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn, would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a Smirk, 'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
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Old Jul 15th 2018, 2:15 am
  #4339  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn, would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a Smirk, 'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'
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Old Jul 16th 2018, 3:31 am
  #4340  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, “If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the man replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!” “Don’t worry about it.” the man answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist!!
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Old Jul 17th 2018, 2:20 am
  #4341  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

.

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jun 6th 2019 at 12:32 pm.
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Old Jul 18th 2018, 2:30 am
  #4342  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

The Rope

There was 11 people hanging onto a rope on the underside of a helicopter. Ten men and one women.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didnt the rope would BREAK and everyone would die.They couldnt decide who should go

So finally the women gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others. Because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children giving into men and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking all the men clapped.

Never underestimate the power of a WOMAN!
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Old Jul 19th 2018, 3:35 am
  #4343  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn’t wanted to sleep with him for the past seven months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why she doesn’t want to sleep with her husband anymore.

-“For the last seven months,” the wife replies, “every morning I take a cab to work. I don’t make much money, and my husband doesn’t give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, ‘So, are you going to pay today or what?’ I always give him an ‘or what.’ That makes me late to work. I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to dock your salary, or what?’ That’s another ‘or what.’ On the way home, I take the cab and again I don’t have any money, so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ And, again, I do an ‘or what.’

So you see, doctor, when I get home I’m all tired out and I don’t want sex anymore.”

The doctor thinks for a second. “So,” he says, “are we going to tell your husband or what?”
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Old Jul 20th 2018, 3:38 am
  #4344  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

-“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

-“How do you know that?”

-“Easy,” the little boy said.

-“All you have to do is add it up like the pastor said,

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”
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Old Jul 21st 2018, 3:38 am
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa. "£10. a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found £110 under the pillow.
He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was £10, not £110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
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Old Jul 22nd 2018, 4:23 am
  #4346  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Three women die together in an accident and
go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We! only have
one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are
ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to
step on a duck, and although they try their best to
avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St.. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend
eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps
on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't
miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment
as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not
wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man,
is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on
any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes
on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to
deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'


The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck!'
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Old Jul 23rd 2018, 3:20 am
  #4347  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

My mate handed me a beer and said, " Got to hand it to you. Great party you've sorted out. Quality coke you got, good spread, pumping tunes and I have to say the strippers was an inspired decision. Did you see what that blonde did with the cucumber? Amazing! But l was wondering. Who are the miserable people in the corner?"
I looked over and said, " That'll be the wifes parents. I think they've got the hump because I had her cremated

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jun 6th 2019 at 12:32 pm.
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Old Jul 24th 2018, 3:08 am
  #4348  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

So there I was sat in my van. I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door. I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware that at any time someone could notice me or the woman from the house could come back. I launched myself over the garden wall and fell to the ground. My heart was beating in anticipation of someone shouting out to me. I crawled slowly to the door. Once there I looked around once more to check my surroundings. Then I lifted the letterbox slowly and quietly. Once my work was done, I slowly closed the letter box aware that any sound might disturb someone and make them come to the door. I then jumped up and ran for my life, jumped into the van and drove off at speed away from the scene. And another ‘Sorry you were out’ card is successfully delivered. Proud to be Royal Mail

Last edited by Jerseygirl; Jun 6th 2019 at 12:33 pm.
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Old Jul 27th 2018, 2:45 am
  #4349  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

Little Johnny and his family often traveled to visit his grandmother for meals during the holiday season and special events—Easter Sunday, Thanksgiving, Christmas.

One day, Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.

-“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

-“Of course, you do” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

-“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
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Old Jul 28th 2018, 9:26 am
  #4350  
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Default Re: Jokes: A little light distraction!

hahahah good one
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